The art of conversation. It’s important, isn’t it?
We’re heading into the time of year when we may be called upon to socialize more than usual. But what if we’re out of practice? What if we’re going through tough times? What if we simply don’t do “pleasantries” very well?
Can we learn? Is it a valuable skill, even in our virtual world?
Recently I was chatting with an acquaintance I hadn’t spoken to in some time. Despite my tendency toward introversion (and enjoyment of serious topics that engage my mind), in person, like most of us, I have a lighter side – and a silly one.
I found myself chatting – surface chatting – and it was delicious. The two of us bounced from topic to topic, talked and laughed for about 20 minutes, and we were able to reconnect in this entertaining manner without delving into anything too intense. There’s enormous pleasure to be had in banter!
Is conversation an art?
Most would agree it is.
Has it become a lost art?
I worry about that sometimes, considering the amount that we all abbreviate our conversations, especially when we begin talking the way we text or tweet. Then there’s the increasing prevalence of social isolation in the real world, as we work remotely and communicate through our devices.
Dos, Don’ts, and Tips to Improve Conversation
It’s helpful to bear in mind that every art has its elements of underlying craft – skills we can acquire and knowledge to guide us.
For example, it’s all too easy to bring the wrong tone to a conversation. Imagine you’ve had a dreadful day. The dog was teething on your Jimmy Choos. The boss was indifferent to your presentation. The engine light is flashing on your dashboard and the kids are fighting in the back seat.
Who wants chit-chat?
Chocolate, vodka, or running away from home sound more in order.
However, it’s critical to remember that there’s a time and place for everything including serious topics, free-form venting, and even confrontation. But these don’t belong in certain venues, public or private. It’s also important to:
- Read the responses of the other party to the conversation.
- Show sensitivity to subjects that touch on difficulties they’re going through.
- Avoid politics, religion, be cautious in your humor.
(Do you sense or know there are issues of work stress? Marital problems? Health concerns? Cut the other person some slack!)
Practice Makes Perfect
I stumbled into these Dos and Don’ts when it comes to conversational etiquette, courtesy of The Art of Manliness. There are some good ones here! Among others, the recommendation to listen more than you talk is always excellent, as is the advice to come prepared with a few topics at the ready.
A few of the don’ts?
Don’t interrupt, and don’t “one-up” the person you’re talking to. (I admit to struggling a bit with the former, depending on how long I’ve been silently sitting behind a computer screen…)
If you’ve never been good at talk that is light and polite, it does indeed have its place and its usefulness. Moreover, it’s learnable.
As for light and bright? That, too.
If you need icebreakers because you’re out of practice, they’re learnable, too.
If you need to psych yourself out of a bad mood (and slip into a better one), can you imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes if they’re face-to-face with a moody cranky grump?
Great Conversation? Huge Mood Enhancer!
The magical consequence of being dragged (even kicking and screaming) into a situation where people are enjoying conversation is that you just may find your bad mood morphing into a good one.
Who doesn’t relax around smiles and laughter? Who doesn’t enjoy hearing people’s stories? And isn’t it flattering when you ask someone about their life – not in an intrusive way, but an interesting one?
And if the conversation turns flirtatious (and you’re free as a bird) – enjoy!
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My husband is such a great conversationalist. He enters every function with one thing in mind, IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. He will leave knowing the life story of a few key people…share very little about himself…and be everyone’s best friend. He looks everyone in the eye and asks multiple questions.
What a wonderful approach your hubby has, Pam. We should all follow his lead!
I am a terrible conversationalist because I am very shy. Some people think me aloof or proud, I guess. Usually after I have known someone for a year (or three), I am much more comfortable to be chatty. To make matters worse, I am friendly by nature, so everybody assumes the inevitable. I used to dread the holidays with all the upcoming events. Now that I am well into my fifties, I am staying home for the third year in a row loving every minute of it. I will, however, click on your links and see what I can do to improve. 🙂
You make me smile, Cornelia. When you’re quiet or shy, people do often assume things that are off-base.
All great tips going into the holiday party season…and great in general for those awkward times ranging from corporate chit chat to extended family chit chat! One trick I learned a long time ago was to ask leading or open ended questions of the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves so if you’ve finished off that plate of appetizers and they are still eating theirs….you’ve been successful and can move on to the next person! And maybe it wouldn’t hurt to have a little chocolate and vodka before said get together to help ease the pressure!? 🙂
I shiver at the thought of a room full of people – and not in a good way. A table or afternoon with one or two friends – heaven. But add a lot of people and I ‘m uncomfortable. Going to read the link to tips you’ve shared.
These are great tips, Wolf. I tend to focus on intense conversations and enjoy small intimate gatherings, but I am trying to strive toward more lighter banter. This is a perfect way to navigate the holiday season. Thanks!