Life after divorce is full of adventures, isn’t it?
What about life after divorce and covering the Kid Duty on your own… as an older parent?
Listen. You may possess the exuberance of a 22-year-old, the energy of a 28-year-old, and the body of a 35-year-old! But it doesn’t change the way the world sees you (necessarily), the reality of your age (sadly), and what happens when you think you’ll pick up the pieces and start again.
Now, now. Before you decide I’m about to rain on your parade, it’s not that simple. Let’s look at a few of those gnarly post-matrimonial wrinkles more closely. No, not the ones forming on your forehead as you read these words.
Let’s consider those quiet nights when you wonder about your future in both general and specific terms, when you ponder whether or not you’ll ever have sex again, when you try to imagine how a string of dates that resemble a relationship might come about, or even that elusive goal for some – marriage.
Are You Datable?
I’m not going into the nitty-gritty of whether or not you’re datable, and when. That’s entirely up to you, though my gut tells me time, time, time is all to the good. But maybe that’s just because it was the right thing for me and I believe, for my children.
You may be dealing with complications you didn’t anticipate, a slow healing process as your ex remarries quickly or moves, ongoing legal skirmishes – over everything – that are disruptive, and possibly costly. What else?
The emotional hangover from all of it, and hiding your angst from your kids.
Tricky stuff. Very tiring.
Then there’s gearing up to put your best self out there.
Ditto. Hard work. But you do it. Maybe you even meet a few people you like, with whom you have a few laughs, and more than a handful of interests in common. Then comes the line of questioning about your kids. And that includes – “How old are they?”
Ages and Stages
Here comes the mismatch. You’re older, remember? You may be 40 with a three-year old, or 50 with a 10-year old. Or 55 with a stubble-sprouting young teen whose hormones have him bouncing off the walls just as your own have you tossing the covers off your legs on a crisp winter night, and dabbing perspiration from places we really don’t need to mention.
Not to worry. You’ll cool off again. And just in time to catch your kid making out on the sofa, to teach her to drive, to help her prep for SATs, and do the same for the younger ones, assuming you have some.
But you’re female, remember? And that means – statistically, anyway – that demographics are against you when it comes to dating over 40, certainly over 50, and more so if you’re still raising kids – because the men will likely be even older – and their options remain greater.
Dating for Yourself, Dating for Your Kids
Now about that dating thing. You know. Grownups, conversation, romance, sex. The possibility of a relationship, even the very remote possibility of marrying again – though you can’t decide if remarriage is the worst idea in the world or something you owe your kids.
Maybe you’re even dating more for your children than you are for yourself.
But before any crazy ideas like relationship or marriage?
You need a first date to lead to a second and a third, and that string of dates needs to become a relationship. And relationships aren’t simple when there are kids in the picture and they’re shuffling between two homes, or hurting from missing another parent, or struggling with emotional issues that remain from the marital breakup; you need to survive the usual and exceptional parenting chaos that has nothing to do with you at all.
Uh… How Old Are Your Kids?
It took me years to figure this out. My dating issues weren’t so much a matter of my age, but the age of my children relative to my age or someone I might be dating.
As a 45-year old woman, you may be asked out by a man who is 50 to 55. His kids? Grown or in college, and in my experience, the last thing many middle-aged men want is more children to raise, especially when they’re not their own.
I dated a widower in his 50s for a while who thought my kids were great and vice versa. But he had already raised one child alone, the son of his deceased wife by her first marriage. When he broke things off with me, as nicely as possible, he let me know he just couldn’t go through it again – another six or seven years of dealing with teenagers. And I got it, even then.
Dating a Person With Young Children
A few years later I was dating a man with children much younger than my own. He wanted to take our relationship to a more serious level, and I was considering it. He had primary custody of his kids, and they were a full 10 years younger than mine. Though he and I were the same age, he’d become a father in his mid-forties.
I thought about the four years remaining until my boys would leave for college. Could I really take on 14 more years of parenting, rather than four?
By that time, I was pretty wrung out and worn out. My answer was no.
In contrast, his last girlfriend was in her 30s. She had the energy and willingness to care for his kids, but she also wanted more children, and for him I suspect that was a no.
Dating Divorced Dads – Thumbs Up!
Don’t have kids?
We’re unlikely to fully understand the other’s world, which explains why eventually I dated divorced dads exclusively. Their issues, constraints, and joys were similar to my own: they understood the irritation when the other parent pulls a fast one; they listened when their children expressed confusion in the years following divorce; they understood the financial pressures and compromises after splitting households; they were happy to share in the moments of a child’s latest accomplishment.
They knew from experience that children require very different things from us at each stage of their development. And, if I responded to each child’s needs differently, they understood that, too.
Kids Grown, Mine Home?
What about a parent with kids who are already grown?
For me, on those occasions when I dated someone my age (or slightly older) whose children were grown, they did not choose to pursue. Likewise, when I met a man with children and the “how old are your kids” question revealed they were much younger than mine, I did not choose to pursue.
Adding another four years, five years, eight years to the parenting gig? I couldn’t conceive of it. I didn’t want it. I understood the guys that walked away, and I myself stepped back if it meant I’d take on additional years of parenting.
Kudos to Parents of All Configurations
To those who manage to raise decent kids under any circumstances – congratulations!
To those who blend their families, who take on responsibility for more children and more years of parenting, my hat’s off to you.
To the good man who recently said to me that if he’d met me when my boys were younger he would’ve stuck around, I say thank you. I recognize the depth of feeling from which that remark stems.
To the sons I’ve raised, though I still fight to regain my footing, let me say: You were worth every moment, and I would do it all again – in a heartbeat.
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Wow, you have about 8 blog posts in one … My first big relationship after my marriage was with a man nearly 20 years my senior. My kids were in preschool, his were in college. I was devestated when, after a year, he said he just didn’t want to be dad again. I didn’t get it. I do now.
I hear you, Emma. I think we have to live through the years of non-stop physical and logistical responsibilities (elementary school into middle school) before we get the fatigue involved, and the adolescent years are a whole other ballgame…
I found myself connecting with younger divorced dads more easily, because our kids were at the same stages at the same time.
I was well into my thirties when I BEGAN having children and then so as a 40-ish single woman, I still had a preschooler. It has long been my insecurity that a man may love and choose me, but not my children, and I get that. I so get that. I can’t say that I would be willing to do it.
So, when I met my Mr. Wonderful and he had that concern…it knew it was valid and real. I was insecure and it hurt…but he rightfully weighed his willingness to do it all over again and how it would affect his own children (he is five years my senior and has full time custody daughters in high school). He still chose to move forward.
I know the sacrifice he is making emotionally, financially and in many ways we can’t yet count and it means the world to me. He is the hero of our family in so many ways! But it’s a tricky issue, one it is wise for people to be honest about. Thank you for bringing this up!
Yes, once you are a parent, you cannot construct a new family based solely on your own personal desires. The dynamics now include the stage of life of your children and it is easier to blend families if the children are close in age. Ms Wolf, you asked me the other day how do I have the courage to become engaged at my age. Well, you just hit the nail on the head! Both sets of our two children each are the same ages; therefore, both our oldest and youngest kids go through similar situations at the same time and we experience them (good and bad) together. This is why I think it is very difficult to find a good life partner – what are the chances that you are going to find a compatible partner with children the exact same age as your own?
You raise good points, Sue.
I now understand better how the dynamics of your families are working out. And yes, finding someone you love and are compatible with (values, interests, libido, lifestyle, etc.) is difficult enough without the children issue!
I might add there’s another important factor at play. A good deal depends on the nature of your co-parenting arrangements or support system. If you have a 50-50 split and a civil co-parenting situation, or even every other weekend “off,” you have more socializing time and greater appeal to someone whose children may be grown, though you’re still raising your kids. In my case, I had my kids nearly all the time. That figures significantly in (in)ability to meet people or build a relationship. The amount of time you are full-time parenting and full-time working affects everything relative to the potential for a social life, though again – a good support network (family, community, other single parents) can also ease that situation.
Last, our children guide us in some ways. If they’re having problems (emotional, medical, or others), we focus on them more than ever. That also puts relationship on a back burner, either temporarily or indefinitely.
And Sue – please – call me D. A. or Wolfie or BLW! 🙂
Now you have me thinking. I am 47, with a 13 and 15 year old, seeing someone 50 who has a 22, 21 and 20 year old. I am wondering what I can expect.
Hi D. A.,
I am writing four years after this article, but since comments are not closed I hope that mine will reach you.
I have been divorced for a year, there were serious problems in the marriage, but no hard feelings after the divorce and I have no regrets. My ex has moved on and has a new life partner. I have two boys, ages 16 and 18 I am dating a divorced dad my age with younger children, 9 and 11. We are very compatible on all levels, and the physical connection is amazing. He is also the exact opposite of my ex which makes the relationship very exciting.
The problem: he doesn’t want to tell his family about me. Before meeting me he had a blended family very soon after divorcing his ex, but things went south after two years. But the two sets of children got on very well and his parents still ask about the boys of his former partner. We have been dating for half a year, but he has still not told his children about me. My children know about him and he is OK with that. But when his daughter asked him about me because she noticed clues about my presence, he told her that I was just a friend. By clues I mean things like watching Netflix with them from my account and leaving my yoga mat lying aroung.
As far I can see, he wants to keep these two worlds separate. The children are with him every other week and then we barely have contact, he is distant and business like. I miss him and this is becoming hard for me because when we are together we are very close, cook together, I take my laptop to work at his place, etc. I really don’t know how to handle this. My friends advise me to be patient. I have never asked why he doesn’t tell his loved ones about me, and I am not planning to as I know that this is a very sensitive matter. But I have told him that I miss him and I am not happy when he keeps distance and he was understanding.
I want to keep this relationship, but the laid-back months will not last and at one point things will change either in a positive way, towards a bigger commitment, or in a negative way, reaching some kind of breaking point. I am tired to of explaining to men how I feel and why and have them make what they consider a concession to me for the sake of the relationship and not something that is fair to expect in a relationship which we both want to endure. What can I do here except for talking?
Hi Milena,
I think I am with your friends on this one. Consider the fact that your boyfriend had a previous experience where the kids must have gotten attached to the other woman and to her children, and then as you say, things went south. Also, having had younger children when I was dating, I was slow and careful to introduce anyone to my kids as being any sort of significant relationship.
I think we each approach the situation from the perspective of current experience with our children, with our ex, and of course any prior dating relationships and issues in those relationships. Children get attached very easily. Then again, some children are quite resistant to a parent forming a new romantic relationship. I don’t think six months is very long. So I think patience, considering the fact that it sounds like this is a very good relationship, is an excellent idea.
I do understand what you mean about concessions, but every individual is different, of course, and this man may or may not consider what you call a concession to be a big deal. Or at least, a big deal at this point in time. And it’s only natural that he would seek to protect his children from any potential hurt.
Just one woman’s opinion! And yes, comments are still open. Around here, as long as I’m still kicking, comments stay open.
Hello Melina,
I do think that D. A.’s thoughts that this man that you have been dating for 6 months does have legitimate concerns with raising his own children as you do with yours. I completely agree with her view points. I would like to add another woman’s thoughts in these matters.
I can also empathize with you that you might be wanting to be included in his full life. Yet, he refers to you as a friend which it sounds is less than the title you would prefer. You may feel some hurt or disappointment. I do think this man is showing you who he is fully and what he is able to offer. That, I think is the best anyone can ask for in relationships. Can you accept him as he is?
From my experiences, I have found that matters of the heart move at different speeds as each of us juggle our responsibilities of daily affairs, family, friends and personal interests. At times in my life, I was the one wanting of more engagement with my partner and other times it was the other way around.
I hear you that you are tired of explaining to men about how you feel and why. Perhaps, it is not in the keep talking. I have found paying attention to behavior and actions are more important than the words we speak. A good man, compatible and common core values is hard to find!
You may want to ask yourself; why would you leave any of your presence in his home or for that matter allow him to leave his presence in your home? Do you leave your presence in other peoples’ homes? Perhaps this man does not miss you because you are already living in his personal space; it seems to me that you are present without being there. Perhaps this might be a place to start asking yourself theses types of questions about behavior and patterns that you have control. Of course we ultimately only control our own behavior the best we are able and must ultimately make our own decisions.
I hear that you would like to keep this relationship. I also agree with D.A. that six months is a short amount of time to get to know each other; and even shorter with a rotation of every other weekend because of the children involved. (I have done that schedule myself exactly how you explain keeping the children separate, less complicated for them.) And you are recognizing that you experience some unhappiness about some of it’s aspects. (I actually enjoyed that schedule as it gave me my personal time and solitude for my other aspects and interests of my life.) I have found that people will share as much or as little of themselves as they are comfortable.
As you already recognize, time will play itself out in the affirmative or negative experience. I hope for the best for all who is concerned. Blending of families is not easy. Wish you the best!