There were no outward signs that I had married a loner. On the contrary. He was gregarious and sociable, preferred to be on the go, and loved engaging with groups of people.
It was only after marriage that I understood more fully the nature of the loner – and what I cannot fathom is how long it took me to realize that the same description could be used of me.
I’m uncertain if my marriage created that aspect of my personality, heightened what was already present or if it’s something more, something else, or something more complex.
Perhaps he’s the one who married a loner.
Perhaps this is why relationships are a challenge for me, and clearly, I cannot speak for my ex. Then again, couplings are always a puzzle; some come easily, others are a mess. It helps when we know ourselves – and what we bring to the relationship table.
I Want To Be Alone…
None of us can say precisely what the right amount of “together” time is for a given relationship. There is no formulaic solution, though marriage typically requires enough shared time to sustain common interests and intimacy, while not robbing one or the other of their independent identity, or for that matter, their dreams.
Easier said than done, right? Especially in dual-career couples when kids come along, and the days and nights seem to slip away.
For some of us that blurred, frantic, at times tedious lifestyle spurs an even greater desire for time alone, an urgent need for solitude, or simply a little recreational boredom.
Then there are the jobs we pursue – those that require silence when we work, those that pull us deeply into our own heads, those that make it a challenge for partners and spouses to reach us. I plead guilty on this score, knowing the way I work and the way I write, and recognizing the dilemma this poses for those in my life.
Psychology of the Loner Personality
I have always been comfortable traveling on my own, learning on my own, and sleeping on my own. I was not comfortable raising a family on my own; single parenthood was never an explicit choice, and I wish I could have been part of a bustling, large, more “traditional” family.
But my loner tendencies have never meant I was a wallflower or standoffish, though many perceive the loner as something of a social outlier.
Psychology Today has this to say about the loner personality:
Loners often hear from well-meaning peers that they need to be more social, but the implication that they’re merely black-and-white opposites of their bubbly peers misses the point. Introverts aren’t just less sociable than extroverts; they also engage with the world in fundamentally different ways… quiet time gives them an energy boost.
While I’m uncertain if the loner is always an introvert, and nor do I consider myself “withdrawn” (others may disagree), I find this telling, as the article continues:
… withdrawn people typically have very high sensory acuity. Because loners are good at noticing subtleties that other people miss… they are well-suited for careers that require close observation, like writing and scientific research.
Keep Out: I Like My Walls!
I think of my marriage and its loneliness. I think of my divorce and the years that followed.
Naturally, we learn ways to avoid being hurt when we’ve been burned. I know I’ve built walls over the years as a matter of protection.
I think of my ex-husband and consider his family – a large family – and I would guess there was little emphasis on getting into the kids’ heads, much less their business. This is a family that respects privacy and doesn’t seem prone to excessive interference. My ex’s “loner nature” as I perceive it may have little to do with “keep out” signs, and everything to do with personality and temperament.
My loner nature?
While I’m an outgoing introvert, I’m unsure if it’s based on history or a matter of my nature. I spent plenty of time (happily) alone as a child – drawing and writing were always my companions. Then again, keeping my own counsel was helpful with an overbearing and intrusive mother. As for walls? In the years since divorce, they’ve protected me, even as I venture to relearn the ways of trust.
Capacity to Connect
I ask myself: Did my ex-husband’s loner behavior contribute to divorce? Was my own loner behavior a factor? Was it the combination of the two?
Just because I have loner tendencies, that doesn’t mean I’m emotionally unavailable. Relationships are more complex than any one dimension or personality trait, even one so multifaceted as a need for time alone and its many reasons.
Yet I am certain of this: None of us walks this life without connection to others. As a parent, sensing when closeness was required and providing it has never been a problem. Letting go is somewhat harder, though I work to accomplish it as best I can, hoping that, unlike my mother, I will be empathetic, observant, and sensitive to my children’s needs for independence.
I also trust my sons completely, as I am the one who has raised them. I cannot say I know them inside out – of course I don’t. But they’re like me and also their father – with a mix of needs for alone time and social time, equally at ease (I suspect) with socializing and solitude.
I can only wish they will know trust sooner than I did, and won’t see it broken to the extent that I experienced. I have faith in their capacity to connect, and I hope they will live with fewer walls.
- Do you see yourself as a loner? Did you marry one?
- Do you love a loner, and is it a challenge?
- Do you seek more time alone, though you aren’t necessarily an introvert?
- Can two loners truly connect? Can two loners thrive together?
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My husband and I are both first-born children and learned to entertain ourselves at an early age. Naturally, we continue to pursue our own interests as we always have — he tinkers on his computer with software of his own creation; I write. But as you’ve noted, in a marriage, together-time is important to the strength of the relationship. We’ve had an interesting time over the last several years finding ways to do things together that we both enjoy to the same degree (that last part is key). While we both will do things that the other person enjoys more than the other, we’ve wanted to find something that is “ours” (not his with me tagging along or vice versa). It also needs to be something we can do fairly easily together with our limited time, now that O. takes up so much outside of that. Most recently, we hit upon reading aloud to each other from books we choose together. Portable, easy to stop and start. Hopefully, there will be more activities like this as we grow and change. For now, we’re just glad to be aware of that need so we can work on it.
This one hit home, and hard. My husband is considerably more social than I am, and it’s definitely been an issue in our marriage. After many “discussions” and awkward attempts to remedy the situation, we have come to a compromise. Twice a week, he does activities with friends–softball league, volleyball league, trivia night, happy hour, stuff like that–and I am happy to see him go. I get to cuddle with the girls and read a book, and he gets his dose of social.
I hear you, thekitch. My husband is very social and outgoing. I am an loner, introvert. We went through a phase where he tried to pull me out of my “shell” but that didn’t go so well. For the past couple of years, I happily let him do his thing, and like you said I get to snuggle and read with the kids.
You know I’m uncomfortable with labels, but yes, I’m so glad that I finally figured out that I am indeed a loner. I love being involved in activities, I like going to work with people every day, but when the day is over, I do just want to be alone!
Yes! (But I remain stymied by how to mix this successfully with a high quality relationship…)
First time posting, long time reader! I am a loner and am married to a man who is quite happy to be alone with me. Now that our children are grown, I have gone back to work and enjoy it. But the best part of it is always coming home. I do not attend parties anymore, giving myself permission (finally!) to not pretend to have a good time. I had a recent acquaintance comment “but you are so friendly”, as if being shy means to be stand-offish.
Cornelia, Thank you so much for joining the conversation – especially as a longtime reader. (It’s odd to know one is read, but only know a small segment of those readers. And such a pleasure to get to know more.)
It’s reassuring that you’ve given yourself permission to no longer pretend. And it’s fascinating the assumptions that are made about those who are comfortable with their own company.
I do hope you’ll comment more often if you choose, and thanks so much for saying hello.
Now you’re reminding me of those who are ’emotionally needy’ – a whole other clingy/problematic scenario, especially for a loner.
I was married to someone who can’t be alone–which meant I could rarely be alone. Notice the past-tense. Now I am building a life with a fellow-loner. Much easier–not only because we understand the need each of us has to spend time disengaged with others, but because we find it much easier to be together with each other than with many other people. There are extraverts I love dearly, but they suck the energy out of me.
I always liked time on my own, and figured out early on in my marriage that if I didn’t get it i would go crazy. Luckily I’m a morning person, while my husband is not, so my solution has always been to get up early – and I mean really early, like 4 or 5 am, when I can have time to myself before husband and kids are around. It wouldn’t suit everyone, and I’m often tired by 9 or 10 pm during the week. At weekends I usually sneak back to bed about 8 am and rejoin my husband – seems to work for us. When the kids were tiny it was harder, because they didn’t seem to know about early mornings being my time, but now they would happily stay in bed until mid afternoon if I let them.
Smart scheduling, Ana. (It is so tricky getting any time at all to yourself when kids are little. Later too, depending on the family dynamic/ work.) glad you’ve found a way.
Suzy, as you know, is a very productive loner, what with her crafts and such. But she has always allowed me to drag her about, and show her off. We do it a *lot* less now, enjoying the company of each other more than we ever have before. Amazingly, we share so many hobbies (being musicians, etc.) Maybe that’s an aging thang? To your question, it has never been a challenge to love my little loner. :0)
Loner – that label can be so subjective, and our behavior is often variable according to circumstances. I loved the couple of times I did solo backpacking, where I didn’t see a soul for a few days. But that was an exception. I don’t care for social “parties” but I love getting together with good friends upon occasion. I would hate being Robinson Crusoe, but I enjoy quiet walks at times. Some of my views separate me from others and I have no interest in professional sports or television or popular personalities or the like, so I am a wallflower and “loner” at some social events (and I don’t drink generally). I can sit in Quaker Meeting for an hour or more in silence and find it both peaceful and invigorating to help me go forth more noisily in a right direction. I would be a bust as a salesman – that is not what I care for. But I can speak up publicly in a large group when I feel I need to speak. I like meeting new people if they are interesting. We may at times confound “loner” with being independent vs. dependent (there was a comment about being needy). I won’t have anything larger than a regular full-sized bed –- I want to be always able to touch my love (even if we might be having a bit of a spat at the moment, as can happen to any lovers). So how does being close relate to being a loner? Having close relationships is incredibly important to me.
For the difficulties in describing ourselves (and that includes what I’ve said about myself in the preceding paragraph), I’m reminded of how Fran described herself as shy when we met. It was more complex than that. At a large family gathering I asked cousins if Fran was shy. “Fran? She’s the glamorous one. She’s the most outgoing of any of us.” Fran was shocked when I told her this (a favorite story of mine) and tried mightily to offer excuses/explanations for how cousins might get this wrong (another story). How we view ourselves often seems unrelated to the actual data.
Definitely a loner, here. Nothing I like better than to putter, alone, for hours. I grew up an only child, left to my own pursuits. They all were what one does alone – reading, writing, playing an instrument, sewing. I now have a job which requires me to meet with the public all day long, listening, teaching, problem solving in intense situations. When I get home, I just want to be alone. At least for a while.
My darling husband is the opposite. He needs to be around people. Unfortunately, he spends his day pretty much alone and isolated with computers. When he gets home he is desperate for company. This difference in temperament has been one of the main challenges in our marriage.
He insisted I cut back to part time work so that I can have a day or two during the week to myself. I encourage him to have lunch with one of his many friends once or twice a week. He joined a book group and belongs to many political groups. He now knows to give me some space after me being peopled out by the end of my work day. I have learned ways to “brush off” my day and get to the place where I can happily spend time with him in the evening, even if it is listening or problem solving. We put on music and I cook while he reads. Or I stop at a cafe on the way home to finish up paperwork (with MY computer) or the library where I roam the stacks for half an hour. I also, usually, have a long drive home that gives me some alone time.
But there are times I love being around friends and even strangers, love to have conversations with interesting people and learn new things. I was a shy, shy child, but through the years have come out of my shell. It is always a balance, especially when extended family come to town. The teenagers are a delight, but the adults wear me out. I have to take breaks to re ground. Quiet, alone time does that for me.
You’re giving me very helpful ideas /suggestions here, Lunaboogie. Thank you for this thoughtful feedback.
Like many of the comments, I like my solitude. I don’t consider myself a loner, I really enjoy my friends and I like being part of a group…for a while. I am the most comfortable, though, pottering on my own, reading a book or writing my thoughts, learning something new… It was an issue when Bill first retired. He was used to talking to people all day at work and he felt rejected when I was exasperated with the constant interruptions. I considered renting a room elsewhere so I would have an escape hole, but things have settled over the past couple of years. I’ve encouraged Bill to find social hobbies that take him out of the house and though I might enjoy some of those, I stay away so that he can have his own interests and I can have mine. We’re cohabiting peacefully again, I’m grateful to say, though he is exploring the addition of another room and bathroom…I dread the chaos!
It’s hard when two people in a marriage have differing levels of “loner” in them. And the quality of the together time really needs to be determined. For our situation, sitting in the same room doing our own things was considered quality together time for my husband. For me, it was interacting with each other through conversation, play or a shared experience that constituted quality time. I didn’t want to spend every waking moment with him, nor he with me. But in the moments we were together, I expected his engagement. It was hurtful when he chose not to be engaged.
Oddly enough, I felt lonelier when I was in a room with him ignoring me than I do in our house when no one else is here.
Wow. Dear D, that you bring out such heart-felt, honest and out right smart responses from your readers says much about all that you do…
Paul mentioned the label of “loner” as being subjective, so where does that leave “outsider”?!? For that is how I have always felt and is how I see myself. There is a lot of overlap with these two labels but they aren’t quite the same and I am left wondering at the word I have chosen for so long.
While not an only child, I grew up entirely on my own like several others here did, with the added complication of moving frequently, hence the “outsider” edge. We would always go just when I was starting to make friends and get settled. I don’t really know what it is like to feel as if I am part of a group, save for my immediate family.
I chose someone who was like me and that makes us outsiders together–even if he is the social bright light to my shyness. Our lives are structured so that we spend an enormous amount of time “together” (as we both work from home) and yet in our own worlds too…it is unusual but it is what it is.
Thank you, as always, for giving me something to think twice, three times, more about on this rainy afternoon.
Fascinating distinction, Heather – the outlier as a generalized or broad-based group that is subjective, and the loner as yet another subjective subset?
I love your mention of separate but together time – both of you working from home but doing your own thing. (Easier for some personality types than others?)
I had this same conversation last night at a neighbor’s house — one friend said she couldn’t stand to be alone and didn’t know how I did it with my hubs gone out to sea so often, and she had to have people around her or she’s “go crazy” and I am perfectly fine being alone. I’m not exactly a “loner” cos I don’t like labels either, but I enjoy my own company.
When I think about the label “loner”, it makes me think of someone who is very intentional about not wanting to interact with other people.
I do not agree that the term loner is subjective. A true loner usually doesn’t like the company of other people, almost to the point of avoiding them, except when it is necessary. For example, they have a job, but never participate in the office parties, join other coworkers for lunch, or make small talk out of necessity – for office politics or just plain etiquette. They don’t care about belonging or being liked by other people.
As I have read through the comments, I have to agree that being a loner is different than being an introvert, or being shy, or being an outsider, or being independent, or enjoying solitude, or needing some quiet time for one’s self. Anyone who falls into these categories usually enjoys the company of others, although it might be in varying degrees. They like a sense of belonging and appreciate being liked. There is a part of them that is relationship-oriented.
As for marrying a loner, as I define it; I wouldn’t do it, because a true loner doesn’t have a need for anyone else – including a spouse – although they might get married. I always say anyone can put on a pretense for approximately two years, so don’t marry anyone until they have had enough time to let their true colors fly.
Such a wealth of semantics. Loner, introvert, social needs, solitude, partners, alone time. Love the comments here too. Inside and out. Perception. How do we see ourselves in the sliding scale? I tend to the loner side. I wonder if any writer doesn’t. I see my situation almost completely mirrored in what Heather in Arles wrote. Wow.
I am a loner introvert who married the opposite. I think it’s a great balance.
Since my husband is a teacher, he is able to be social and interactive all day at work. But even he needs his downtime at the end of the day.
D.A. – Are you talking about someone who is a loner, or someone who is emotionally unavailable? From the history you often describe, I suspect that while your ex’s being a loner was problematic, the deal breaker was that he was emotionally unavailable.
If a person is emotionally available, the possibility of an actual relationship exists despite the timing and logistics of the respective partners’ need for separateness. I am, depending on the circumstances, gregarious, a loner, in need of quiet time, and merely introverted (four different states). But I am always emotionally available, particularly if the other party knows how to read the signs and make a correspondingly suitable approach. My partner on the other hand, is introverted, and simultaneously emotionally unavailable and emotionally dependent. I am held responsible for her happiness, even though she has walled off her humanness from the outside world. Our relationship is best described by your term Something Like Marriage.
Subtle but very important distinctions, Robert. Quite right to point them out.
BLW
You had written about character disorder in the past, and I want to ask your recommendation for a book about it. There seems to be more books on personality disorder, which is more of a mental issue. Character disorder pertains more to narcissism and manipulation. Please correct any statements that are false conclusions.
Like you, I thought I married a gregarious, social person, only to discover he does not like people. In my opinion, my husband uses this excuse when he does not want to be bothered with certain people (which includes myself much of the time). Personally, I love to be around people, but treasure my alone time as well. My husband can read and sit at the computer for hours, while I would rather talk or text on the phone.
Marriage is most baffling. I am always wondering if it is me who brings this side out in him.
Wow, I have been thinking about this A LOT. I’m very friendly, but like you and many others here I really crave my alone time. I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember and I wince when I think about how this had hurt my little brother growing up. I was constantly rejecting him.
To some extent, I feel very guilty of doing something *similar* as a mother. I’m an introverted mother with an extroverted child. We struggle and I feel guilty. You wrote in one of your replies to a reader something about emotional neediness and clinginess…I allowed a friend here to get close to me, and now I’m overwhelmed. She calls all the time, needs help all the time, she even lets her children take food from my plate. (Breathe –)
I think that early in our marriage I wanted more of my husband’s time and attention. I remember one “discussion” where he asked wasn’t it okay for us just to be in the same room together, because I had wanted more. I think I was more insecure then, needier. I do great alone now, and often prefer it. I don’t know if that’s because I became more secure in our relationship and more independent, or because I had given up on always getting his attention.
I do hesitate in calling myself a loner though, since I do like being with people (just in controlled dosages). My father is a loner, and I feel sad for my mom who is always looking for a traveling partner whenever this group that she belongs to plans a trip. He has his activities and he likes to do them by himself. The kids are gone, and she is left to do things on her own even though she is neither divorced nor widowed.
“Loner” does seem to carry a hefty negative connotation, doesn’t it, C. There was a comment from someone about differentiating some of what we lump into the loner character, including introspection, emotional distance, and much more. I also agree there’s an element of neediness we sometimes perceive in others who prefer not to be alone, though it may not be neediness – only a preference for more active, extroverted engagement.
I agree with you that as we get older (and more secure / comfortable with ourselves), being alone in a room with someone you love is comforting and not distressing. In fact, you aren’t alone. You’re able to share the quiet of your thoughts and pursuits together.
Seems like you are describing me. Relieved to hear I’m not the only one.
It’s been about 3 years now and we do not share the same bed. A few months back my wife tells me she is a loner and I must leave the house and find my way. My concern is our kids who are teens and me and my kids are very much attached. I told them that their mom would ask me to leave the house anytime and I am not sure when. I want to keep this marriage alive and live together under one roof at least till the kids will be on their own. But it is difficult to make her understand. All I do today is pray for the miracle to happen and at least she lets me live together.
Of course it is her house and its not difficult for me to find one. One more incident happened…I got tempted badly and had chat with a woman and she found it out. At first she told me I betrayed her and asked me to leave but later she told me she is a loner.
Do not know what to do…
Jack
On the incident – When a relationship is in the state of yours (and efforts to repair it, which I can assume from your tone have been attempted, aren’t working), I can tell you from personal experience that when emotional frustration hits a certain level it is inevitable that it will seek an outlet, despite even the most pure intentions. So please don’t beat yourself up, that outlet may turn out to be a fortuitous happening, or if nothing else, an indicator of what a relationship can really be.
I can’t comment on the children aspect, but it at least looks promising that your wife is admitting some role in what has come to be. Perhaps shared custody?
My ex wife said I was a loner and emotionally unavailable. Turns out she was just emotionally abusive and I used to avoid her a lot. I came from a strict religious background that made the option of divorce almost unavailable. Till one day I decided that my situation was unbearable and my religion is some dead guy’s rules from the dark ages. I divorced and remarried a couple years later. Glad I did.
I agree. They don’t need anybody. You are there for their convenience. Not dependable emotionally. Not worth it.