It happened recently and I couldn’t imagine why: My heart began banging inside my chest, I was short of breath and dizzy; I was overwhelmed by a sense of dread.
In a matter of seconds I was plunged into a full-blown panic attack – frightened, confused, and completely off-guard. I was in my home, perfectly safe, it was the middle of the afternoon and I was writing as usual.
Why the sudden terror? The feeling that I was about to die?
As it turns out, one of the side effects of a medication I was taking is heart palpitations. Combine that with too much stress and too little sleep – eh voilà – a crippling cocktail that dropped me down the well of Hell for ten terrible minutes.
Then came the fear that it would happen again, and the anxiety over why it happened in the first place.
It was hours before I put two and two together, re-read the fine print on the drug I had ingested, and realized the cause. That was little consolation for those brutal 600 seconds during which I turned on every light in the house, switched off the heat, and breathed my way through to the other side.
Symptoms of Panic Attack
Some describe the sensations of a panic attack as being similar to a heart attack. If you’ve ever seen the film, Something’s Gotta Give, or for that matter, a scene in Sex and the City involving the highly controlled and competent Miranda, both offer excellent depictions of the power of panic to land us in the E.R.
The specific symptoms?
According to WebMD, describing panic attacks and panic disorder:
- Difficulty breathing.
- Pounding heart or chest pain.
- Intense feeling of dread.
- Sensation of choking or smothering.
- Dizziness or feeling faint.
- Trembling or shaking.
- Sweating.
- Nausea or stomach ache.
- Tingling or numbness in the fingers and toes.
- Chills or hot flashes.
- A fear that you are losing control or are about to die.
Put me down for numbers 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11.
Nightmare. Especially that last.
There’s a good deal more on this subject at WebMD, so check it out, and also check out any condition that concerns you with your physician.
My Experience With Panic Attacks
Years ago, lost in the darkness of an undiagnosed sleep disorder, I lived with panic attacks – and worse, the fear of a panic attack – never knowing when it might hit. Fear kept me close to home. Fear kept me inside. Fear kept me from venturing out into the world and connecting to others in ways that would have lessened the isolation I felt. I was cut off – juggling a job I worked partly from home, two very young children, with a husband who traveled much of the week leaving me home alone, managing everything.
What I didn’t realize at the time, having been comfortable being alone for much of my life, was that the sleep deprivation was wreaking havoc with my body and my mind, slowly robbing me of, well… “me.”
Those panic attacks? The inability to catch my breath? The dizziness and dread? I tried talking to my husband about not feeling well several times (unaware of the insidious effects of extended sleep deprivation). His response was a curt “it’s all in your head,” and as no physician could find a “physical cause” for what ailed me, I kept the panic attacks secret and lived with the fear and shame that my spouse was right.
When one very fine doctor thought to put me in a sleep study, life changed. Once a sleep disorder was diagnosed (and dealt with handily), the panic attacks disappeared, as did a number of other physiological and cognitive issues I had been too embarrassed to talk about. It took a few months, but sleep gave me my life back.
Causes for Panic Attacks, Panic Disorder
Affecting some 2.4 million Americans, panic attacks may result from a combination of biological and environmental factors. Stress plays a role, as may substance abuse, hormonal changes, and other factors. (Again, I recommend the reference on WebMD, and note the distinctions between panic attacks and the psychiatric condition of panic disorder.)
Some studies also indicate that women in midlife are more prone to panic attacks. As for gender differences, women may suffer panic-related episodes with greater frequency than men, but this isn’t a “female-only” disorder.
According to SelfGrowth.com:
Studies have shown that women are more than twice as likely as men to have panic attacks. Women are also more likely to have recurring panic attacks and to develop panic disorder condition. Women generally first experience panic attack symptoms in early adulthood.
In my case, according to the physician I was seeing at the time (now nearly 15 years ago), the extreme sleep deprivation left me susceptible to panic, as did a lifestyle in which I was not confronting problems in my marriage, and carrying an untenable level of stress. All of it was severely worsened by isolation.
That is not to diminish the seriousness of the condition whatever its causes, as fear of panic increases the likelihood that you slowly narrow the boundaries of your world lest something trigger panic while you are out in public. Agoraphobia often accompanies panic disorder, and in my opinion, it’s little wonder.
Despite the numbers of people who deal with this potentially debilitating condition, we don’t talk about it in the open for fear of appearing weak or perhaps, getting a dismissive response such as the one preferred by my ex. We live in a culture where if we don’t feel self-assured and together at all times, we certainly don’t disclose it. But if we never talk about these issues, doesn’t that reduce the possibility of addressing them?
Return of the Monster
As for my experience with this disorder, fast forward a few years following divorce: I was more than a “married single mom” at that point. I was virtually a solo mom, with a boatload of legal debt, two young children, most of my married friends became women who walked away or, as I now see, I had distanced myself from them out of shame.
Shame that my husband did not want to be married to me any longer.
Shame that my financial situation was dramatically altered.
Shame that I couldn’t find another corporate job that would provide the income I needed to keep our home, and be a decent mother to my children.
Travel was no longer possible, and even a long commute seemed ill-advised. There were no child care options I could afford, and my children were fragile. Frankly, during those first three years after my marriage ended, so was I. There was dwindling contact with people I’d known for a decade or more, money worries that threatened to sink us, ongoing skirmishes with my ex in the background, and the panic monster returned.
Realizing that my children depended on me gave me the strength to hang in; I found a voice in my head to soothe me: It’s alright, you’re alright, it will pass, keep breathing.
Talking About Our Isolation
I won’t say I never feel that isolation or fear, but I felt it less as my children grew into their independence, as I found my voice again in part through writing, and in trusting one or two new friends and sharing my experience, only to hear that they, too, suffered panic attacks from time to time. They have been, like me, single mothers putting in excessively long days, or going through difficult challenges financially, in their marriages, dealing with elder parents, or concerns over their own health.
Knowing this has been reassuring. My battles with panic are rare now, but stress and insufficient sleep seem to increase the probability that they will recur.
In a recent comment on Stay At Home Moms, and the constancy of the tasks she faces, a reader briefly describes her experience, including the first two years of her daughter’s life during which the child needed special care. Her husband works long hours, and she now manages her 4-year old and a 3-month old. She writes:
My husband is gone from 1pm to 2am so I do everything involving the house and the kids completely on my own. The only downside is the isolation has heightened my panic disorder.
She is not alone. I have just offered my story, in the hope that others will open up and say no to the shame that seems to accompany a condition that affects so many of us.
Would anyone else care to offer their experience with panic or isolation, and how you deal with it?
- Have you been able to find a physiological cause, to de-stigmatize the psychological cause, to address either?
- What has helped?
- Do you have any suggestions to offer this reader?
Resource on Panic Disorder, National Institutes of Health.
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I have suffered from panic attacks all of my life. I am never, ever without a Xanax, just in case. Mine have tapered off as I’ve gotten older – but I am always on guard for the onset of the terror of feeling completely out of control. I wrote this post about it – I don’t usually share posts in comments, but I thought this post might be interesting to others who suffer also.
That sounds awful! I remember having some strange symptoms like tingling and numbness in my fingers and a nice case of irritable bowel syndrome (cramps that felt like knives, mainly) when I was going through my first divorce. I thought I was losing my mind at the time, but fortunately it passed (the symptoms I mean). I have got to the age where I read the inserts for any sort of medication I take, OTC or prescription. I think if I’d had your symptoms I’d have been calling the emergency services, convinced of a heart attack!
Ah yes, the physical (and emotional) wear-and-tear of divorce, which varies of course, with each person and story… (I had skimmed the insert and asked the pharmacist about the drug as well. I’m glad I went back and read thoroughly!)
This is in my family, so I have witnessed it. In early adulthood I developed some cousin of it, experiencing my first attack in the middle of a presentation I was giving in front of 150 people at work. I stepped off the stage abruptly and my colleague thankfully took over.
It would happen several more times in my career, always while I was speaking to an audience. Like you said, what made it worse was the fear that I would be seized again.
It then got worse after I became a mother, to the point where I used to sometimes get mini- “attacks” (bad enough to feel very uncomfortable but not so bad that I couldn’t fake normalcy) in one-on-one conversations with a new friend or familiar client. I started to get better after I got outside and volunteered at my son’s school…this is because I don’t have panic attacks per se…I don’t know what I have…anxiety attacks? Is that different?
But I can’t drive long distances. I can’t go on the highway.
I happen to work from home and right now that is what I can take.
I suppose therapy is the answer. But I haven’t really done anything because as much as I believe in the benefits of therapy, I think a big part of me cannot even admit to myself that something is wrong with me, at least not so wrong that I need professional help! I have no qualms talking to a therapist about marital issues or parenting concerns but I keep shrugging this anxiety thing off, when it is clearly preventing me from living as fully as I used to.
Thanks so much for writing about this, D. I am so sorry to know that you have gone through this (my father has his entire life and I can sympathize), though the causes and triggers are understandable.
It might be worth doing a little reading on anxiety as well as phobias, C. During the worst of my sleep deprivation years, I developed phobias. Most disappeared over time, when I was finally sleeping more than 3 hours/night. But some phobias pop up now and then – and it’s another topic we don’t discuss. I will tell you, however, that many of the women I know have offhandedly mentioned certain fears they never had before giving birth, which came only when they became mothers.
I do wonder about the weight of our parental responsibilities on our psyches at times. I wonder why fear stalks some of us more blatantly than others, even when we can look clinically and dispassionately at a situation, but not necessarily beat the fear.
Talk therapy can be a real help. Not so easy to afford, but unearthing causes can assist with managing what manifests as a result.
Without sounding too clinical, you give an excellent description of panic attacks, It’s not my professional area, but I’ll be spending a few minutes on this topic in General Psychology next week (now that I”m retired, I no longer teach my psychology science specialty). Others have told me how extraordinarily distressing these attacks can be and how the fear of future attacks may develop.
I did find, considering that my former wife had a serious mental disorder, that it was very difficult to speak about these things in an appropriate public manner. It was essential to discuss this with my children in a sensitive manner (my wife was in total denial). Very close friends will listen, but others don’t want to get involved in what is often a messiness. Better to simply break a leg.
The insight and self-awareness that you and your commentators bring is an essential element for going forward.
Isn’t it sad that there is such a silence and stigma with stress, anxiety and mental health disorders? Why is that? Why is it that alcohol and drug abuse are more socially acceptable when they often involve a choice (at least at some point)? Why is it more acceptable if there is a physiological cause? North America sees these ailments too often as weakness or a lack of character. Apparaently China does not recognize mental health ailments as medical conditions. It is a “wacky” world in which we live.
I must say I have been insensitive and overly clinical in the past. I abused my body and never had a problem – hence that was the attitude that seemed to prevail. That said these ailments seem sharply on the rise, and I have had a close up look with a former colleaugue who had a complete break from reality, a family member and a friend’s child. It has really changed my view to become more humane and less clinical. I must say people’s reaction and treatment of these three is awkward if not bizzarre, from the over concerned to the treatment one would expect with a leper of old. Very odd and sad indeed.
Sleep, exercise, meditation, coping mechanisms, diet, yoga, sometimes medication, and disciplined thinking (nee Buddhist) all seem to help such various ailments, but one size does not fit all.
Paul is correct it is a better to break a leg or shed blood. People and society seems to understand that and act appropriately.
biglittlewolf and all the other women here: me too i can totally relate to this article.
dearest D
so sad to hear that your world fell apart for a moment.
it must have been terribly scary.
sending a soothing pot of tea, a ticking kitchen clock, a view of brooklyn back gardens and a pale weak sunlight with the subtle movement of a wind chime.
one lump or two?
oh. now i see that you’re not even not good with the breathing thing, but that it even goes further.
thank you for giving me a better insight.
i’ve only had these kind of feelings twice at very crowded concerts.
sending love***
j.