I saw it as a parent, as a volunteer in my child’s classroom, as an employee, as a team member, and as a manager. It’s quite a phenomenon — the spread of negative repercussions when you’re dealing with a bad apple.
In fact, we can quickly pick out the bad apple on the neighborhood street or in the otherwise congenial condo association. And once we do, we’re left to struggle with how to manage it — that is, how to manage him or her — as we fully come to grips with the truth of the saying: One bad apple can spoil the barrel.
Haven’t we all known someone whose poor attitude or divisive actions sours the environment for everyone?
The troublesome person may be a child or an adult, and we ourselves may unwittingly play that role at times.
One Bad Apple Will Spoil the Barrel
Do not assume the bad apple is “rotten to the core.” Life is rarely so simplistic; some of us are simply not at our best in certain situations. The bad apple could be partially sweet, yet we may need to separate it from those it will otherwise contaminate.
Do not confuse the bad apple with the squeaky wheel. In my experience, it’s easier to discern the motivations of the squeaky wheel, who often makes noise out of frustration and in need of metaphorical oiling. We are therefore more able to anticipate and effectively manage the one whose motivations are clear and, well… provide the oil to remove the squeak.
The bad apple isn’t always obvious at first. Doesn’t it look shiny and delicious from the outside, like the rest? It may not be until we take a bite that we know otherwise, or when it begins to produce an aroma that is anything but agreeable. We need to limit the spread of its harmful bacteria, and we hope, contain the damage to what remains in the barrel.
The Uncooperative Kid
What parent hasn’t noted the child who ruins the game or party or play date for the others? Perhaps he’s a bully, but more likely — he’s tired, he’s bothered by something he can’t articulate, or he’s learned to insist on having his way.
Any child can be the bad apple at some point. He may be acting out during difficult emotional times as a cry for attention and help.
Those who are teachers or have volunteered with kids of all ages can recognize the one who will spread her negativity (or bad habits) through a group activity, tainting what would have been a wonderful experience. More than uncooperative, she may wear the guise of the bully, the cut-up who goes too far, the naysayer, the complainer, or any number of other variations.
What if you’re the parent of the bad apple – or suspect you may be? Do you deny it? Do you confront it? Do you listen when a teacher or other adult brings it to your attention?
Bad Mood or Managed Manipulation?
What about the passive-aggressive spouse, or one who is moody, manipulative, or narcissistic? Can he or she become the bad apple that spoils the marriage?
We’ve all had our run-ins with those who rub us the wrong way or try to control our responses, our opinions, and our behaviors. They may bring their unhelpful attitude or approach to a day, a project, a social gathering, or a neighborhood cul-de-sac. What do we do when that individual is the person we live with – and perhaps this aspect of personality was hidden for some time?
What if we looked the other way, and we can’t do it any longer?
How do we effectively battle the negative and undermining attitudes of a spouse or partner when limiting exposure isn’t a viable solution?
Can people change? I certainly don’t believe we can change others. But does that mean our only options are to live with toxicity or cut and run?
Are there ways to contain the contamination of a bad apple or to save the parts that remain good?
Have you lived with this trying set of circumstances? Have you discovered your own role in it, and worked to change? Have you solved it through something other than breakup or divorce?
The Challenging Workplace
Occasionally the bad apple is a colleague, a subordinate, or a manager. You may be able to reason with a colleague, or at least observe the cause of problematic behaviors which will inevitably spread.
The bad apple risks spoiling everything around it, but if you catch it early, can that make a difference?
What if you can identify the issues and address them? Can you improve the situation, or possibly limit its potentially disastrous consequences?
If the bad apple is someone who works for you, then what? Do you let him go and deal with the clean-up? If it’s a manager, are you resigned to fending for yourself as best you can, knowing you need to live with mood swings, changing priorities, gamesmanship, or even unwitting inconsistency with no malice at its core? Is the only other option to accept that your tenure may be short-lived?
Apple Pie or Apple Sauce
I like to think we can catch the bad apple before it’s entirely rotten and spoils the barrel. I like to think that attitude change is possible, and if not, behavioral change can make a situation more survivable for all involved.
Then I remind myself — again — that no one changes unless they choose to change.
Still, I prefer extending the metaphor to scooping up that apple, tending to others it may have affected, and trying to “repurpose” it in some way — for apple pie or apple sauce.
If the child, the teenager, or the adult is unaware of being the bad apple, isn’t there hope that a third party might offer intervention and assistance? That something positive can be salvaged or created? Or am I being too much of the “good egg” in hoping for a resolution to dealing with the bad apple?
- What do you do when you encounter a bad apple?
- What if you discover he or she is your business partner, your client, your employee or your boss?
- Worse – what if the bad apple is your spouse, your child, or your aging parent?
- What strategies have you found to avoid tossing away the relationship?
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A very wise therapist taught me to treat bad apples as if they are disabled. Be more patient, speak in soft voices, and treat them like you would with someone with physical disabilities. You would help out and be sweeter. It worked for me in the workplace. They were eating out of my hand when I was through with this approach.
Very interesting approach, Madge. Hmmm…
A great reminder as we go into the holiday season with family gatherings and holiday parties. It’s so true that life is not simplistic. Sometimes, we don’t know the full story behind someone’s outward behavior. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle. It’s best to try and be understanding and try and help if possible.
Rarely simplistic… so many back stories and we don’t know them. But that doesn’t make the situation any more pleasant for the rest of the barrel! 😉
I might take a slight exception to the phrase Bad Apple. I try to remember that everyone is acting rationally within their own frame of reference. In other words, there is a reason for their behavior, and if I don’t understand the behavior, it means I don’t understand their context. They aren’t doing it just to tee me off, which is often how I take it emotionally, and which is nothing but my ego at work.
But I know why you use the phrase, especially in the context of a title. It is accurately descriptive in saying that the effects are ruinous on those surrounding. I have had it in several situations, including work and home. In the workplace you tend to have reactions about compromise and understanding. The funny thing is, when you have a real bad apple, not just a circumstance of misunderstanding, everyone knows it, but will only admit it privately. Everyone, that is, but the powers that be, who won’t admit it at all. I am all about accommodating diversity of personalities and skills, but there is a noticeable line between diversity and disfunction.
At home – well that is the tough one. I have recently been reminded that no matter how egregious or unconscious the behavior, my reactions are, in the end, the result of how I am conceptualizing the situation, how tightly I am wound in to it emotionally. No matter how bad or many the triggers, it is my own involvement with the issue which governs how far my knee jerks.
What is my strategy? Do everything, give everything until I can’t do any more, then regroup and repeat. Take my ego and negative emotions out of the picture. Eventually something will give. No matter how static things look on the surface, the background is always changing.
“…as if they are disabled. Be more patient, speak in soft voices, and treat them like you would with someone with physical disabilities.” I would add “someone with mental disabilities” to that, if it is a chronic issue of personality. Eventually, of course, you may find that you need to choose between associating with the “bad apple” or respecting yourself and those your love. (And do remember, there are times when doing nothing is effectively a choice.)
While there are some bad apples out there who are good people having a bad day, others are not so benign. In “The Sociopath Next Door” the author maintains that 4% of the population has no conscience at all. Some of them enjoy causing trouble for others, stirring things up. It’s more than having a bad day, it’s having a bad personality. There are no redeeming factors or reasons behind their behaviour. Being patient, speaking softly, and reasoning with them may amuse them for a while, it won’t change them . They can be sneaky, devious and nasty.
I find avoidance is best when possible. I’ve changed a job once in part to get away from a dysfunctional negative individual.
Excellent points, Northmoon. Of course, we don’t know what situation we’re dealing with all too often. A bad period of time, a mismatch of person to situation, or, as you say, a sociopath.
If life hands you a bad apple, you make, ah, lemonade? Dealing with tough people can be, well, tough. Yes, are bad apples really bad apples or are they merely people who are looking at things differently? And sometimes, we discover that it’s no wonder they’re bad; they have a worm in them!
When people push me, I have to push back. I try to do it nicely, but I have to push back. And then there are those times when I have to walk away. Yes, we can extend our metaphor by mentioning cutting out the bruised part, peeling the fruit, or making apple sauce. But sometimes a sour apple is a sour apple and there’s nothing to be done. Except go find another apple.
I’m reading, Ms. Wolf. wb 🙂
Ah… a worm inside, Mr. Belle! Very interesting. Go find another apple. Yes.
As a former teacher, I’ve dealt with many a bad apple and the repercussions in the classroom. The ripple effect is often daunting and sometimes hard to contain.
But the other thing I’ve found? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Ever.
Good one, Jane!
“Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.”
— Rilke
I’m sure that this is true. But sometimes you just need to get out of the way.
The more we can, as you say, realize that most behaviors come from situation—fear of losing job, tiredness, lack of social skills—the sooner we humanize those apples. When we cut them some slack yet remain firm in basic boundaries and expectations, we risk little and stand to benefit from a kinder and gentler Apple.
To Jane’s point, bad Apple behavior is often taught and condoned. And even old apples can learn new tricks. So. Teach kindness, reject cruelty, and maybe we will change that rot into goodness.
Maybe.