Some of us love to be the center of attention. We need that spotlight. Me? Not so much.
I like my work in the spotlight – if it’s deserving. But I don’t need much attention lavished on me – possibly a matter of my personality, or the fact that I don’t lack for it from the people who matter to me.
How to get more attention from your partner – if you aren’t getting it now?
Sadly, I’m guessing this is a question plenty of men and women ponder.
The challenge may be as basic as getting a word in, or involve trickier tendencies toward a partner’s ability to be affectionate, inclusive, or considerate.
What about you? Hungry for more attention?
Attention Whore, Out the Door?
My mother was a woman in constant need of attention, a classic narcissist and then some. Her presence could siphon the air out of a room as she pushed, she insisted, and she guilted. My father’s response? He was out of the house as much as possible.
An old friend was equally in need of attention, though her style and M.O. were entirely different from my manipulative mommie dearest. This particular woman was a stunning single mother whose social life was anything but unexciting. She thrived on the attention of men, demanded it, and got it.
But those relationships were frequently short term, and then she was on to the next, or they were.
Was she getting what she wanted from those encounters? Did she lose interest as soon as the newness wore off?
Need Attention From Your Spouse?
The first man I dated after divorce was a narcissist extraordinaire. Everything was about him, and no amount of praise was sufficient. He’d been through two marriages when I met him, and I couldn’t help but wonder what life was like for his wives.
Frequently, I couldn’t get a word in. At times, he would seem to listen but his actions discounted everything I’d just expressed – the proverbial “in one ear, out the other.” Yet I recognized a kind soul beneath the bluster and emotional neediness. Eventually, I moved on.
Setting aside the narcissists – or if you prefer, the attention whores – what about the rest of us? Aren’t there times when we feel more vulnerable, need more TLC, and don’t get it? Sometimes, doesn’t everyone feel ignored, dismissed, or taken for granted – especially by a spouse?
And I will make a distinction between needing attention and needing reassurance. Hello? They are not the same! We all have moments when we’re feeling fragile or insecure, and we turn to a friend, lover, significant other or spouse for reinforcement.
Marriage Manners, Pay Attention!
Some men are more observant than others, some are more romantic, some are more attentive – cluing into moods, remembering anniversaries, genuinely listening. (Okay. Not all the time.)
Naturally, we could say the same for women.
In my marriage, my spouse was none of the above – not observant, not romantic, not attentive – which I realized before we married. Obviously, there were many good qualities and good times, or we wouldn’t have walked down the aisle.
But over the years, more consideration of my concerns and feelings would have been welcome. I don’t mean that to sound selfish; it was never about the spotlight. It was about not feeling valued, and missing a quality of thoughtfulness, not to mention a desire to spend time with me. Sadly, both were nowhere to be found.
How could I have gotten him to pay more attention?
- I realized we needed to spend more time together – alone or with his friends.
- Had we shared more interests, that could have helped. But by the time there were two kids, the house, my job, and his travel schedule, that felt impossible.
- I could have tried talking more – and sooner. Letting him know what I needed, and why.
- I could have asked him what he needed sooner in the marriage. I asked all kinds of other things, but not that. Or rather, I asked much too late.
- Theoretically, I could have taken better care of myself. Practically speaking, I was hanging on by my fingernails.
Did he get enough attention from me? I thought so at the time. Then again, the undoing of our marriage wasn’t one-dimensional. No journey to divorce ever is.
Does Your Partner Pay Enough Attention?
I’m comfortable on my own. My friends are genuine. I’m not jealous by nature, and I’m not emotionally needy.
My relationship is mutually caring in ways that matter to us both. Occasionally one or the other of us tunes out, just a little – generally a function of fatigue or work. I consider this perfectly normal.
If I ever did want more attention, I hope I would speak up in a timely fashion – ask if there was something wrong, explain how I was feeling, and not insist in ways that can drive a loved one away.
- Do you need more attention in your relationship?
- Do you like to be the center of attention?
- What do you when you’re feeling ignored?
- Any tips for those who want more attention?
You May Also Enjoy
Constantly making the wrong choices. I don’t demand enough from partners and consequently don’t get it and then am frustrated. Need to ask for what you want.
Maybe need to look more closely at those choices? At why those choices? Tweak that? (Easier said than done, I know.)
I approach the next relationship with trepidation, because after 20+ years with a classic narcissist, I don’t know how a good relationship works. I fear falling back into the habit of putting the guy first, because he demands it, because I am not as important as he is, in his view. His needs, his needs, his needs… that was all that mattered. If I had a complaint/need, he would tell me to hurry up, I was taking too long to explain it. I was the woman behind the throne, as it were, making the path smooth so that he could shine, until he shined his ass right out the palace doors.
So now I don’t know how much attention I want. I’m terrified of pulling in the same kind of guy. My focus has been so much on others— him, my kids, a pleasantly nutty boss who is just a little jealous of me which makes me have to be careful to put him stage center— I don’t know what attention is like, for its own sake. For *me*. So I settle for no attention at all.
I understand what you’re saying, Madelia. All too well. But “settling for no attention at all” is dreadful.
I recognize that first “transitional” relationship as one in which I was moving from one “problematic” situation to another, but I was able to recognize what was going on, to see where it was better – and also where it was similar (and not in a good way). Over the past 10 years – gradually, I’ve made better choices – doing everything in my power to stay alert to falling into old (unhelpful) habits, and also looking for signs of lurking narcissism, or at least, intolerable self-centeredness.
I think it’s a process. Awareness helps. So does daring to get out there again – which can be miserable, funny, frustrating, exhausting, and occasionally – delightful. All of it offers lessons.
In thinking about your post, what I came up with is the difference between attention and connection. My wife will on occasion give (and take) attention, which for a while made me think there was a connection but eventually felt extremely lacking. In trying to analyze the relationship, I eventually realized that my wife was hiding emotionally. She was going through the motions of consideration and affection, but it never felt real, with the disconnection between the actions and substance leaving me extremely confused, off balance and wondering where I was going wrong.
When I started trying to discuss, make sense of, and improve our relationship, not only did things not improve, but to my surprise all hell broke loose. I eventually came to the conclusion that my wife has both Avoidant and Borderline personality disorders, which results in what you have written about as Something Like Marriage, and one of our therapists calls Avoidant Marriage.
It is extremely disconcerting to be in a supposed relationship which involves only going through motions, but where neither party really knows the other. I would gladly trade some of the well-intentioned but content-free attention for even occasional moments of real connection. The best description of what I would call a good marriage was in an article about Steve Jobs, whose wife was said to “really get him”, in terms of understanding who he was. If there were even an occasional connection here it would be relatively immaterial how often it happened.
“… going through the motions of consideration and affection.” That’s hard. Very hard. Avoidant Marriage. I’m going to look that up. (I’m nodding at your “all hell broke loose.”
That connection you mention. Yes. It has to be there.
I think it’s hard to be a writer and give the attention a partner needs. Most partners.
I believe I’ve got it right this time. We (my husband and I) have similar needs as far as independence, attention, encouragement and time together. It’s a delicate balance, indeed.
Neither is an attention whore. Neither is an island. Both have reached an age where we’re pretty comfortable with who we are and don’t need a lot of reassurance.
What do I do when I feel I’m being ignored? I go get my toenails painted. Or I go somewhere. In other words, I indulge myself. I don’t know – for me it works.
I’m smiling at your pedicure problem-solving. It sounds like a plan… (What color polish?) 😉
Interesting topic which calls to reflect more on human nature. Maybe the first thing to consider is this: Paying a lot of attention to oneself is practically consubstantial with human biology, while paying attention to others (if you except the instinctive care of a mother for her child), was never natural to humans. It asks qualities such as generosity, empathy, compassion etc… and looking around his own environment, each one of us know how rare these aptitudes can be.
For me the special need for attention that we can so often detect in women don’t come from out of the blue. It’s enough to look back over centuries in history to see that being the center of attention (visually, essentially) was one of the only things left to them to thrive in society. Some reading of Jane Austen novels will surely be largely sufficient to make my point on that. It will remind the readers that in those not so far away times, a woman was not supposed to address a man before he does, not supposed to voice her opinion on anything in a firm manner because it was not ladylike, and surely not supposed to dance or having any public fun of the kind before she’s asked. In short, being the prettiest flower at the ball was practically the only option left to them. And I’m not sure that things today have changed to such a great extent that this paradigm could really be declared “out-of-date”.
About “being taken for granted”, I think that too many women are taken so, because they are giving themselves as so. I always advise women to be a little like Scheherazade for the man whom they want to keep the attention of. Never being a complete conquest, spinning out the tale of their feminine mystery by progressive deliveries and surely not to gush out everything and be emptied of any further interest even before the story had time to build.
You raise some wonderful points relative to the way “society” shapes its women, and how we are to be valued. Vestiges of which still remain, passed from generation to generation, and reinforced in media.
Nature, nurture, and cultural influence at work, perhaps?
As you can guess, I had to give a lot of thought to the man/woman issue in some recent writing. And yes, there are things coming form far away in time, maybe even in prehistoric periods regarding the hunter vs. gatherer-child nurturer division of labor. But as you pointed out, child-rearing reinforces these vestiges of an earlier time and work the other way around that they should. I mean, we should work on making those differences disappear.
What I can testify to from having been a teacher in another life is this: Each time I had students being brother and sister, I could perceive quite clearly the very different life that they could have at home. And if ever these students were happening to be from Mediterranean roots, like Portuguese or Arabic, the unfair gap between them was even more blatant. The girls of 12-13 clearly had all the chores to attend to like housekeeping, cooking, doing the dishes and even needlework after dinner before they could at last do their homework, while the boys were already served like little nabobs. How can we make anything change in bringing up kids that way?
I have just celebrated 10 years of a happy second marriage. I have come to realise at my ripe age that men are not necessarily clairvoyant and if you want to get their attention it normally works to state your needs quite clearly. At least it seems to be working for us. I wish I had known this earlier in life.
Good post I identified with a lot of it.
This is posted on our dressing room mirror: “If you aren’t treating your partner at least as well as your best friend, change your attitude and you habits.” I think I’m quoting you, BLW.
As a matter of fact Wolf, I think you are… 😉