Earlier this week, I came across “French Film,” a Sundance offering that was available among my free picks on cable. Naturally, the title alone was enough for me to give it a whirl.
It’s a comedy about relationships, contrasting the French approach to amour and romance with a more stiff upper lip Britannic style. The story revolves around two couples, and the musings of a know-it-all French film director as narrator.
He, incidentally, is the one who leads us all astray – proclaiming that the way a relationship begins is vital to how it will unfold.
“Beginnings are everything,” says one of the characters, reinforced by the director’s counsel to the audience:
“The beginning is played out again and again and again, so make it good.”
It’s a whimsical premise for a movie, isn’t it?
Love, In Love, and Comfortable Caring
Our slightly bumbling hero, endearingly depicted by Hugh Bonneville, cannot comprehend why his girlfriend of 10 years won’t marry him. But the audience quickly sees the differences between love and in love, not to mention, comfortable caring.
As they seek couples therapy to get to the bottom of it, their best friends – a quirky guy with a loving girlfriend – undergo a few problems of their own.
We’re also treated to a fictitious Frenchman in flashbacks to a film within a film, who finds that he sleeps with a woman he takes to be a hooker, and in the morning, he discovers she’s actually a dentist.
They genuinely like each other, and as she leaves she says: “This story could be the best opening a couple ever had. Or nothing at all.”
Romantic Beginnings
Personally, I’ve never given much thought to romantic beginnings, though I’m a believer in providing the best possible beginnings to children, the best possible beginnings in a new job, the best start I can make in a new town or a new neighborhood.
I do believe in beginnings – in life – though I’ve never used them to forecast endings, per se.
Why would I?
Of course we can’t control for the unknown in any of these situations. So we take what reality presents, we apply a reasonable amount of our best, and move forward – sometimes making lemonade out of lemons, and other times, wasting whatever investment we put into the relationship or enterprise – and if nothing, we learn some lessons.
How Love and Passion Play Out
Do you believe in beginnings that set the stage for everything that follows?
I’m ambivalent, myself, recalling the major “loves” in my life, and contemplating the spark in each scenario. I’m also considering the endings – those that exploded, that sputtered, or simply faded.
I’m also considering the relationship I’ve been enjoying recently, and I adore our beginning. It was charming, low key, surprisingly romantic, and utterly unexpected. But does our “beginning” predict anything? Don’t we need to constantly assess where we are, what needs tweaking, and how committed both parties are to the couple and the same sort of lifestyle?
I’ve lived encounters that got off to modest starts, as well a few that were fiery. Yet the love affair in each instance was divine, and the endings, often blossoming into friendship afterward. (That’s an excellent dénouement, if you ask me.)
Marriage… And?
Long term relationships?
Depending on the circumstances – age, stage, jobs, kids, living situation and everyday stresses – they’re bound to be subject to wear-and-tear.
My marriage?
It began with a romantic meeting and a lovely courtship, which didn’t make a bit of difference in the end, or more importantly – in the middle, which seemed to commence all too quickly – and which was certainly the beginning of the end.
If there is a message to the film, “French Film,” I take it as this: However we may spin our nice beginning, choosing the right person (at the right time) is essential. And that’s about values, character, chemistry, and a soupçon of something – not the least of which is luck.
Image of actor Hugh Bonneville, courtesy Wiki, public domain.
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Luck is absolutely one of the ingredients! My first marriage was a complete disaster – a mercifully short 13 months. I will be married 23 years this month to a wonderful man who I am lucky to have recognized as good for me in so many ways a long time ago – and we also work hard at staying connected. Luck, love, commitment and serendipity.
I don’t think that beginnings set the stage for everything that follows in a relationship (an interesting premise). Life can throw all kinds of things at us, within the context of the relationship and from without. Both types of circumstances can lead to problems that might strengthen bonds or end them.
As you said, why would I even ask about a relationship’s ending at its beginning? If anything, I never even assume that there will be an ending; although I know that it is possible. In truth, there is no way to predict the future.
I’m going to see if I can find the movie “On Demand” 🙂
Do you believe in beginnings that set the stage for everything that follows?
It can happen; it has happened for (apparently conservative/cautious) me. You do need to verify over time that the other isn’t simply psycho (also has happened for me). My meaningful experiences have been intentionally INTENSE beginnings, where a lot can be seen and shared. Also, this has happened after I had gained some experience (crucial). You’ve heard the story of how I Fran and I talked for a day over the phone after first making contact on Match. Crucial. Then, when it started raining a bit before our first meeting for an evening hike in the woods, and I called to be sure she wasn’t going to wimp out, she replied “Be there, or be square.” We were psyched to put a lot into it, and I won’t repeat the rest of the romantic story (either google my peacefulways blog, or I think I’ve said more here previously). Rain is our good luck. And this earth really need it.
I don’t think the beginning determines the entirety of what follows, but I do think beginnings are important (like the title says). Beginning with honesty and openness seems an obvious tack to take, for example. In one of her essays about frugality, Amy Dacyczyn discusses how some courtship rituals (spending big to impress the woman) may lead to unrealistic expectations. I think ‘what you see is what you get’ should be the predominant mode of thinking when look for a long term relationship.
Beginnings are important because they point your relationship based on the dynamics of who you both are at the time. Whether you choose to stay on that same trajectory, determines the rest of the relationship.
I’ve never worried that the beginning of a relationship determines the end. If I did, I wouldn’t be celebrating my 35th anniversary soon.
Looks like a cute movie, but of course one I won’t be able to drag my husband to see.
35 years! Wow, Jennifer. That seems astonishing in today’s world… 🙂
Little Gidding V
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half heard, in the stillness
Between the two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always–
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of things shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.
–T.S. Eliot
Oh my. Food for thought. I don’t think it predicts the end but I do see how some behavior in the early days predicts the end. People show you who they are. Wish I could open my damn eyes and notice!