Stood up by a date, or even a colleague or client at a business meeting? We may be accustomed to both. Sometimes there’s a good reason. Sometimes, there’s not.
But stood up by a friend?
Horrifying! Inexcusable! Or possibly, excused much too often.
Maybe you receive an explanation on the phone or an apology after the fact. Is that good enough if flaking becomes a pattern?
Are women friends likely to miss – and dismiss – plans with other women?
Do they really toss out something as insincere as “so busy, so sorry?”
Not only did Lunaboogie make this observation in a comment recently, but a few days ago, an acquaintance said to me: “I had such a fabulous weekend!” When I asked why, she explained that it was due to a Girls Night Out, which had been impossible to coordinate for months.
“My girlfriends and I are at such different stages,” she remarked. “I have a boyfriend but I’m not married. They’re married with kids. It’s hard.”
When Friendships Break: Money, Marriage, Divorce
Who hasn’t experienced the occasional misunderstanding with a BFF? But it doesn’t always take a specific incident to break a friendship. Circumstances can set us adrift – irretrievably.
Think friendships aren’t tested over money matters? What if you lose your job, or child support suddenly goes MIA?
The ability to “have lunch” or “window shop” may go straight down the tubes for one, and never skip a beat for the other.
What if all the friends marry but you don’t?
Priorities shift, as does availability.
And divorce? Doesn’t it drive a wedge between long-time pals? I know I’m not the only woman around who has experienced the subtle ostracizing that takes place. And it’s not because of an assumption that the divorcee is on the make for the husbands (how 1950s!), but many still behave as though divorce is contagious.
Married With Children
Life with children versus life without?
Married or single, becoming a parent turns life upside down – for awhile anyway. And who will seriously deny that Mommie Dearest carries the more consistent load in most cases? As someone mentioned to me recently, “You can be sensitive to a mother’s circumstances, but not fully realize the extent to which she’s juggling – until you’re there yourself.”
The “kid” issue is sufficient to bend the back of the best of friendships, if not to break it. For that matter, a married woman with one child finds herself in a very different situation from a single woman with two or three children – logistically and financially. Think that doesn’t dramatically affect the (appearance of) reliability of the latter?
Cancelling last minute with a “too busy” excuse could be a symptom of differing lifestyles. She who flaked? Control over her schedule may not be what it once was.
Women Supporting Women
I’ve been on the receiving end of cancellations, and I’ve initiated my share. Kids? Yes indeed. Sometimes they were the reason, and other times, work.
I will also plead single mother burnout – mind-numbing, muscle-throbbing, stress-shredded weariness that makes any social outing – with a man or woman – seem like a chore more than a pleasure.
Personally, I can’t imagine my life without the tender and tough-minded support of my women friends, some of whom have been in my life for decades, and others for a few years. But stand them up with a “so busy, so sorry?”
No way. If I do have to cancel, I explain why – honestly.
Other (Chronic) Reasons for the Brush-Off
What if there are other reasons for the “sorry, I was busy” excuse?
What about men and women who may suffer from chronic conditions, chronic pain, or invisible illnesses, and aren’t comfortable simply stating I’m too tired, I’m in pain today, I just can’t manage it?
There’s no question that ongoing issues – including depression – may strain relationships. And there may be no planning that can address the fickleness of a “good day” or a “bad day.” It may seem simpler to offer an excuse rather than to tell the truth.
Think we’re a society that wants that kind of truth?
Uh… not so much. We don’t want to hear the reality of the frazzled parent, the full-time employee by day and student by night, the 50-something gal-pal stressed over a marriage that is coming apart, the mother juggling job, kids, and aging parents – or the casual friend who is just. plain. pooped.
The Importance of Friendship
In my life, I’ve learned that friendship is essential. A marriage thrives on friendship – as well as common values and compatible communication.
I confess I’ve typically done a better job at choosing women friends than romantic partners, though I’m happy to say I’ve made improvements in that area. But man or woman, lover or friend, isn’t it crucial to have people in your world whom you respect, rely on, and play with?
- Do you flake on women friends more often than men?
- Do you have reasons you don’t disclose because it’s simpler or more socially acceptable?
- Have you lost friends over a change in circumstances?
- Do you treasure your same sex friendships?
My thanks to Sharon Shapiro for her use of “Busy” shown above. Click on image to access her site.
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I don’t think I have canceled once on a girlfriend. When I make plans I let nothing stop them other than a “real” emergency. That is just me. I take my friendships and dates very seriously.
I have to say that the only female friends I lost when I got divorced were the “lifestyle friends”…the people who I hung out with primarily because we were in the same social strata. Outside of that, we didn’t have a lot in common. I probably see my married and divorced female friends more now than when I was married the first time. I think that’s in part because I realize how valuable their friendships are, in part because our kids are older now so we have more time, and in part because our friendships were based on history and values, not the fact that I lived in a fancy house with a pool.
I get kind of frustrated with people who always claim to be “soooo busy.” Who isn’t? Why do they seem to think that I’m any less busy than they are? It’s a little insulting. Everyone struggles to fit things into their schedule. And frankly, if it’s really something of value, we find a way to make time.
So you prefer someone tell you what’s really going on, Kitch? “I don’t feel well today, my boss dumped a last minute assignment on me, my kid is sick…”
I definitely prefer honesty. When I can’t keep a commitment, I give a reason. It isn’t because I have to but because it eliminates any questions and is forthcoming. It gives people the chance to have more understanding of where I am or the situaiton. We are all busy and life happens; but as stated above, we do have a tendancy to make it happen when we prioritize it. So why not arrange another time if it doesn’t work this time?
My question is always more to how often we make commitments that we really don’t intend to keep in today’s society? It is easier to not keep our commitments sometimes than it is to take the time and make things happen.
You raise excellent points, TE. (Lovely to hear from you.) Most of the women I know are overcommitted; they make commitments with all intention of keeping them, but without any slack and without any backup when something falls through. I do think that’s part of where we are in our culture these days.
Common values and compatible communication! Very well said. I think they are important to making any relationship work.
I do not flake on friends. But if there is any reason that I can not make a date, I believe the truth is best. If there is a chronic problem (like illness, depression, etc.) that prevents someone from regularly keeping dates, aren’t your friends the people you should be able to share that with?
I don’t know what I would do without a couple of close women friends – I absolutely value their friendships.
We have moved a lot. It is a circumstance that affects friendships. Some have been lost, but there are some people I have managed to stay friends with in spite of the geographical distance.
Being retired, I can’t claim that I’m too busy for friends, but I have gone through periods when I was so intent on achieving my own aims and goals that I found meeting up with friends quite a chore (I’m a major introvert, very self-sufficient in that way). I take on board that having a wide range of social contacts is ‘good for your health’ and I try to to become such a hermit that my only contact is my husband. Not good for either of us, that. So I make a point to meet up with friends at least once a week. I have lost touch with some friends with whom I have little in common. Not sure what to think about that – am a just ‘curating’ or am I narrowing my world?
Throw a divorce, leaving a church, leaving a job, leaving your home, kids flying the nest and then working from home into a pot and exactly what do you think you come away with? A whole lot of tumbleweeds blowing past. Just read an excellent article in More magazine on female friendships after a certain age and how difficult it can be to make new ones if you’ve had any one of the above mentioned life changes. Do I flake on my girlfriends? No. Have i lost friends over change in life circumstances? Hell to the yes. Do I treasure my female friendships? Very much.
I am serious about my friendships. I don’t cancel and if I do it is usually do to some serious emergency. Everyone has their own definition of “busy.” Nine times out of ten if something or someone is important to you, then time is a non-issue.
OMG. Are you a (butter) fly on my wall? A dear friend canceled on me on Wednesday and I was crushed. We don’t see each other very often at all and I actually teared up with disappointment.
If and when I have to cancel, I’m an over-sharer. The guilt that I may be letting someone down is so great that I tend to fall all over myself trying to justify the slight. Yeah. I’m all pathetic that way.
I read this post and all the comments and all I can think of is how important my friendships are, and how few, how long they took to happen, and the lengths I would go to preserve them.