I happened across a quirky little film recently, Friends With Money, starring Jennifer Aniston and a talented ensemble cast. It’s the story of four friends, three of whom have money, and one who doesn’t.
Aniston plays Olivia, a former teacher, a few years younger than her more established pals in their 40s. She’s a maid to keep her head above water, cleaning houses for modest sums of money, and occasionally “appropriating” expensive face cream from her clients.
Olivia’s friends are all married, and each has issues of her own – some marital, some personal. Nonetheless, they are intermittently uncomfortable – and judgmental – when it comes to aspects of their friend’s life and, in particular, her financial circumstances.
Admittedly, Olivia’s world is a bit of a train wreck. She harasses a married man she was once involved with, hooks up with a loser who insists on a cut of her meager wages, and in general, she seems lost.
One of Olivia’s more poignant habits involves making the rounds of the cosmetic counters at department stores, collecting as many free samples as she can. Somehow, she’s comforted when lining them up meticulously at home on her bathroom shelf. I can only imagine it makes her feel richer in some way. Or at least, less deprived in comparison to her well-heeled girlfriends.
Money, Jobs, and Judgment
Olivia dusts, straightens, and scrubs. She smokes a little pot, moons over the man she can’t have, and is kind to an overweight and socially awkward man whose apartment she cleans for a reduced fee, convinced he’s unemployed and depressed.
She has little herself, yet in her own way she’s generous.
It’s an interesting contrast to her friends who spend $10,000 on a charity dinner, yet when Olivia asks to borrow $1800 for a class so she can become a personal trainer (and make a better living), she gets a lecture on why she should go back to teaching. And no, she doesn’t receive a loan for the class.
It’s fascinating to observe the way money is spent by the three who have it, their assumption that it will always be there, the implicit judgments on jobs and their value.
It’s wrenching to watch them criticize Olivia.
“You don’t know what it’s like,” she says. And of course, she’s right.
What Can Friendship Survive?
Friendships don’t necessarily survive changing circumstances, much less the years that alter us in the process. What appeals to me about this film – beyond its excellent performances – is watching these women. Their relationships hold firm despite depression, marital squabbles, and life’s usual disappointments.
Still, friends with money – and one without – isn’t an easy mix to manage. In my experience, as a culture we are more accepting of relationship dramas than those that result in financial distress.
- Are your friends critical of your choices, and vocal about it?
- When you lend money, do you feel you have a say in how it’s spent?
- Do you have friends with money? And friends without?
- If you have children, have they ever felt shut out by your financial circumstances?
Yes, I have friends with more (lots more) and friends with less (much less) and it can get uncomfortable. We all make assumptions…
I hope I balance well, and I know from days with less and more that judgement doesn’t help anyone. I think you have to know deep down that you cannot fully understand another’s life. We don’t.
Wise words, Kate.
I liked that movie as well, for precisely the reasons you lay out. My son attends a school where we are quite clearly the least well-off family (even being quite comfortably middle class!) and I think it has made him acutely aware of socio-economic class differences. But I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I think it has taught him the reality of constraints and also that you can’t have everything you want in life. But yes, it can be a strain among friends-no question. Thanks for this!
Delia Lloyd
http://www.realdelia.com
I like your observation about the perspective it can provide for our kids, seeing the socio-economic differences. Perhaps it helps them appreciate what they have.
I wonder if men are as likely to distance themselves from friends according to financial circumstances as women seem to do. And no judgment intended on my part by that statement – the discomfort level is understandable, and no one likes to feel like they cannot be themselves around their friends.
I try to be friends with money, but over the years it often proves a fickle and elusive pal.
Yes it does, Bruce. 🙂 That said, I’d be happy to make friends with it again…
I saw that movie a while back being a fan of Catherine Keener, it does touch on how money shapes people quite well. Nothing clarifies your thinking on money like a divorce, the colossal waste of money to navigate a legal system, the splitting of assets, and the splitting of liabilities. This clarity of thought extends to your friendships and whether they understand or care about the financial impact of divorce. The post-divorce clarity also extends to how money influenced your own marriage and how conflicting attitudes towards money can result in resentment.
As for friends with money, I have the full spectrum from living-paycheck-to-paycheck up to retired millionaires for friends. There is a bit of not being yourself in certain situations but that is normal with interesting and varied friendships; who wants to surround themselves with people that think the same way on finance, religion, politics, etc? Vive la différence.
What astute observations, batticus, on all fronts.
Divorce, as catalyst and crystallizing force… in almost everything. At least, for some of us. 😉
Great questions, Lunaboogie…
Dearest D
A note before we fly to Europe!
We saw this movie too, and it left a bitter aftertaste – an odd movie for JA as a vehicle we thought, non?
In answer to your question – we have a rule on restaurants to be mindful of our friends who, unlike us, don’t have a Day Job, and then we have a blow out with a friend-in-finance at a chic joint (where she also eats steak because she lives with a vegetarian partner – so a double blow out for her which makes us smile 😉
_tg xx