Are you territorial about your work space? Your kitchen? The sock drawer?
Is the configuration of your environment so important that it causes a strain between you and the Hubby, you and the Girlfriend, you and the roommate?
I’ve spent weeks combing through piles and files, not only to prepare taxes and financial documents necessary for my sons, but in an ongoing organization project which coincides nicely with empty nest.
I’ve been cleaning, stopping to sort, trying to shed, and shedding a tear on occasion as I tread lightly over difficult emotional territory, and then hope to move on.
A friend offered to assist at one point, and I initially said yes. But his kind attempts to help created more work for me, as I stuck my nose into every decision he wanted to make, particularly regarding what to throw out, and what to keep.
Someone Call Jeff and Jenny!
Has anyone else been watching Jeff Lewis on Interior Therapy?
I seem to be the caretaker of Too Much Stuff for my college kids, Too Much Stuff from past lives, and also my now deceased parents’ belongings. Yet I don’t believe I qualify as a hoarder. Not even close.
Hey! You’ve seen my favorite chair and cool notebook! (So you know it isn’t that bad.)
Still, while my house may not resemble an Interior Therapy “before,” the combination of working from a home office, a small living space, and an affinity for books, books, and more books – well, it demands creative solutions and excellent organization.
Yet the challenge runs deeper.
I’m faced with the legacy of memories to go with a 12-year marriage, legal documents that trace the skirmishes that followed, and objects that remain emotionally charged as a result. In that respect, watching Interior Therapy, I understand the difficult state of those who have invested their hearts in the “stuff” that surrounds them.
Divestiture? No simple matter.
Someone please call Jeff and Jenny!
Control? Not Exactly
On a musing about these attempts to tidy up, and the possibility that I, as a woman, might be a control freak resisting the help of a friend, one reader – Robert – had this to offer.
You can’t gauge control-freakiness without engaging the concept of territory. It isn’t being controlling when you are having to assert rights to something which should be yours unquestionably.
And the question of “who should have what territory” is where the problem often lies.
Robert’s words make perfect sense to me, and I realize that some of us lay claim to territory more aggressively than others. Or, we defend it, when it feels encroached.
My tiny post-divorce home is mine, more so now with my sons in college. Some boundary felt transgressed when my friend began to help. I simply didn’t recognize it at the time.
Man Cave
Is a “room of one’s own” (or a little house) the issue? Is it more important to some of us than others, based on our life experience?
I consider the concept of the man cave, and come to understand that while the words weren’t used when I was growing up, my father nonetheless was “allowed” his areas for trophies and other items my mother didn’t find aesthetically pleasing. Likewise, he had a dedicated area where he could sit, relax, read, watch television, listen to the radio – and even… putt!
Essentially, his territory was the living room, where he pursued these activities in comfort, and without interference. Somehow he had laid claim to that space, and my mother more or less, to the rest of the house.
As for my dilemma with cleaning out and cleaning up? How painful would it be for me, even if Jeff and Jenny were here, to deal with the agendas, the letters, the photographs, the unopened boxes that were my mother’s and my grandmothers? What about the bittersweet nature of the photographs from my marriage? Is this about territory – or therapy?
Interior therapy, indeed.
Territory and Jealousy
As I think about territory, and the objects, pastimes, or personal spaces we don’t want compromised, my thoughts wander to jealousy – to the way some people are territorial about others.
Who hasn’t known the close friend who doesn’t want to share you with another acquaintance? What about jealousy in a relationship that has no “basis” other than territorial claims?
What about the husband or boyfriend that you don’t want, but as soon as someone else is interested, you hang on for dear life?
Yes, humans are animals – and we could debate the many ways in which that is true. As for our territorial tendencies, are they more prevalent – and pervasive – than most of us realize?
- Are you territorial about a particular part of your life?
- An area of your home – a private drawer, your side of the bathroom cabinet, your closet, your fridge shelf, or maybe even the man cave?
- Are you territorial when it comes to people – jealous of friends or romantic partners?
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© D. A. Wolf
Why do we hold onto “things” (be it people, stuff, old values and beliefs) that no longer serve us? This may be as good as it gets… I certainly don’t want someone else to have it… I disappoint someone if I don’t carry this around with me for the rest of my life.
Too much stuff weighs us down, and at this age we are desperately seeking FREEDOM.
It’s an interesting dichotomy, Kristine. As you say, it’s a time in life when we want more freedom (free at last, free at last, free at last?) – and yet – when there’s no other family member left and you are the Keeper of your parents’ treasures and their parents’ treasures, and you wonder if your children will someday want them – then what?
I recognize the need to “shed,” but there is also the need to squeeze money out of what is shed. In this market (and two kids in college), that’s not necessarily simple either… So some of the keeping is a practical matter.
Your point about hanging on to people who burden us as well – that’s a great observation. I wonder if it isn’t easier to lighten that load for some of us?
Have you managed to shed multi-generational objects? How did you do it? Did you have help? All suggestions welcome!
I think you’re right on here, D. Massive clutter clear-outs are nice in theory, but so often shedding our stuff involves many practical and emotional layers.
I recently realized that my reluctance to sell or donate a lot of our stuff has to do with my need to come to terms with my kids getting older. It felt like a stretch to connect an old t-shirt and the march of time, but then I realized I had to deal with my emotions before I could really move on to the stuff.
As for Interior Therapy, I think Jeff and Jenny are hilarious. I’ve only seen one episode and, for me, one object there would have found its way to the dump, immediately, sentimental attachments aside: a young man’s eldery aunt’s bedpan. No thanks. 🙂
Thank you for the sympathy/empathy, Kristen. There are indeed both practical and emotional layers.
I had wanted more children but my husband wasn’t keen on the idea. So we had our two, and that was that. Putting away the baby clothes and toddler clothes – and giving away most of them – was difficult. Perhaps a bit of what you’re feeling, after Baby Number 3?
But we were a traditionally “intact” family at the time. My own mother was still living, I had my spouse’s bustling extended family as part of my family. So saying goodbye to the baby-making accoutrements was part of the compromise offset by participating in a larger family. A sort of onward and upward, and no looking back.
At this stage, it feels different. Harder. Yes, as you say, about the passage of time. And also, the disappearance of family.
And I couldn’t agree more that Jeff and Jenny are a hoot! I know the scene you’re talking about, and I love this new Bravo show. I admit – I’m hooked!
Seems two topics here.
Shedding stuff — agree, particularly with prior posts today. We’re working on it.
Own personal property/space — agree. That is very important. Fran and I have no secrets (we would bore others to death), but we respect one another s space/property. It may bug the other, but we can each live with it. Sometimes one needs a reliable space. Sometimes one needs to find something that has been filed by location (clothes, papers, whatever).
Getting rid of stuff? Yes, I’m thinking heavily about that these days. Much was sorted and disposed of when we painted two years ago, but now it’s those “precious” items on shelves, collecting dust that have gotten my attention? How much sentimental value do most of them have, anyway? How much monetary value might very few of them have? Time to sort and reduce quantities. As to territory? Yes, I have mine – my desk, my part of the closet. Is my right to choose how I spend my time territorial?
hey. I was the keeper of an entire household of my great grandparents belongs. For a time, years and years, I loved having those things. Then as life would have it and my husband and I had to downsize, hard choices had to be made. I asked all family members if they wanted things….HELL NO!….was the common response. So then I went about loaning to friends, selling at garage sales…even the occasional trip to the Goodwill. Was my heart in my throat the entire time? Yes! Did said family members call me years later and wanted to know what happened to great grand dad’s leather chair? YIP! I have saved a large plastic container of my children’s baby clothes, a corner of the basement has some heirlooms stashed should me daughters come to their senses and want them. But, my burden is lighter. It has taken sometime to get over the guilt of disappointing those deceased relatives, but I think I am there. Like any transition, change or loss, the best we can do is one step at a time. Go slow…give shit away, then go demand it back (done that so many times). But eventually you end up with less stuff and more sense of freedom. Definitely worth the trouble of a good TAG sale..
All good words on transitions, Kristine. Thank you.
My marriage would be perfect if we had enough closet space.
Is there such a thing as “enough closet space?” 😉 But other than that, the marriage part sounds pretty terrific…
We’re going through a territory readjustment in our kitchen — I’ve had to go gluten-free while my husband still loves food that is not. Finding a way to store the ingredients and cooking utensils I need to keep “clean” as well as establishing clear expectations for avoiding cross-contamination in prep areas has been quite the challenge. He gets frustrated with the limitations; I get anxious and overly controlling when mistakes or misunderstandings happen. But I make it up to him by baking gluten-free treats he gets to enjoy.
As for other areas of our home — we finally realized that the quantity of stuff my husband couldn’t bear to part with from childhood had to go somewhere out of the way to give us closet space but in a fashion that would make it easy to sort through in a few years when it’s time to reassess. We were lucky to have a garage with room for shelving that we installed two years ago. That — and a very clear labeling system for the boxes — has made the difference.
I am a dedicated declutterer. Partially because my father and mother gravitated toward keeping everything. My father had kept receipts for items that dated back to the 1980’s. Streamlining is a need. I am lucky that I have a spouse who feels the same way.