I thought it would be an innocent article on fitness, likely encouraging women to be kinder about our genetic predisposition to certain body types, changing metabolism with aging, and the value of weight training for good health.
Apparently, Caitlin Constantine’s column on body image at the Huffington Post was perceived by some as more “shoulds” and “should nots” for women.
At least, one might think as much, scanning the comments.
Buried in the remarks were direct (and implicit) references to hooking a man, sexual attraction, and attentiveness to appearance as necessary for finding and keeping a good provider.
When we’re honest with ourselves, we can’t deny that the visual is paramount in attracting a partner. Sexual chemistry matters to most of us, and looks are a significant factor in coming together – initially.
The Beauty (and Body) Advantage
But according to one (presumably male) reader who comments on the article, the games continue, with women using whatever they have with the goal of catching a man:
she will catch a man in her peak years and then the challenge is hook him… and then the next phase can begin… But can’t blame women… encouraged to just go out there and be free and try to be a man and do whatever and snag as many guys as possible.
Huh. Are we really still out there “hooking?”
Are we focused on primping and prepping the wares, competing for the Best Provider, and doing just enough to manage to keep him? Isn’t this so much propaganda about Bad Girls (or Sexy Ones) getting the guy? And then what?
Love Predator, Trophy Wife
I admit the above remark proposes a multiplicity of ideas beyond body image: woman as love predator, woman’s sexual freedom as an attempt to live like a man.
Why is knowing what we want (if that’s what it is) a bad thing? Why is sexual expression male mimicry?
Aren’t we well aware that sooner or later, relationships require a broader sensual, cerebral and emotional cocktail to keep a partner engaged? And what about his capacity to keep us interested? Or am I living in a dream world of my own creation? Is the Trophy Wife more prevalent than I know – alive and well, awaiting her theoretically lucrative divorce a few years later?
Pop Culture, Body Image
Ironically, Ms. Constantine’s words were targeted at diversity in body types, highlighting the fact that there is no single story when it comes to who we are, just as there should be no ideal figure that we’re hell-bent to acquire. She was attempting to debunk the notion that women who weight train will bulk up, become unfeminine, and therefore reduce the likelihood of finding a suitable man.
We know women in our culture have warped views when it comes to body image. Let me rephrase: when it comes to almost any aspect of appearance.
Personally, I’ve never met a woman yet who is entirely pleased with her body. In contrast with most of the men I’ve known – if not thrilled with their physical form, they accept more easily and compensate more readily in other ways.
How To Hook a Man
There’s beauty, there’s body, there’s charm, there’s smarts. There’s genuine empathy, common interests, and modes of authentic connection. I’ll take “healthy” over hooking when it comes to relationships, thank you very much.
After all, none of us stays young forever. Life changes our bodies, as well as our circumstances. The concept of hooking a man is hardly respectful to ourselves, or the gentlemen in question.
Isn’t it time this oddly retro notion be set aside? Aren’t we beyond equating a woman’s value solely with beauty, with thinness, with youth – and with the number of men she can attract?
I see three questions being presented. 1) – Are women using physical attributes 2) to “hook” a spouse, and 3) are they doing it consciously or with bad intentions.
We all know that there are those of both sexes who play into the superficial attract, catch, lock-in game. I feel sorry for them, since they don’t seem to realize that they deserve more than what they are getting from this approach. That suggests to me that they either have shallow personalities and easily fullfilled needs, or they are unconscious of how deep their needs truly are. In either case, it would seem that people pursue what the rest of us would consider “games” from a lack of better awareness or alternatives.
Lack of awareness of alternatives. Maybe so, Robert. But I wonder when we’ll begin to change the conversation. I have nothing against “form;” I’m as inspired by what is “beautiful” (or my concept of it) as the next person. But form without substance, to me, is nothing. And we seem to be celebrating and promoting form over health, form over substance, form over everything else.
It worries me.
Hey BLW, I can’t help but observe that these sorts of articles seem to capitalize upon insecurity in order to get attention themselves, in an odd mirroring of the behaviors it would seek to either guide or criticize. Also, these facile summations of attraction seem to discount love, authenticity, kismet and loyalty in favor of some sort of Darwinian explanation/excuse for sad and soulless relating and the anxiety-riddled and cynical industry forever promising wisdom, insight and “answers,” that probably never helps anyone who needs real help in this area, which would probably have more to do with learning how to love than how to look like a roll in the hay begging to happen.
I hear you Bruce. And what you’re saying makes a great deal of sense to me. It all seems like such a shame, so much wasted time on the wrong things. So much distraction… When what we really want is so simple at heart.
But form without substance, to me, is nothing. And we seem to be celebrating and promoting form over health, form over substance, form over everything else.
You just touched on one of my few hot-button issues ! I’m not sure how wide a frame of reference you meant to imply, but I believe this to be true for all facets of American life – media, business, community, relationships, appearances.
I tend to dislike blanket, critical statements against a generation (“the problem with society today is……”) but the ever increasing glamorization of the trivial has me very worried. We seem to have no idea what is important, what is profound, what works, what should be concentrated on. Instead of looking for new ways of dealing with modern complexities, we cope by, on one hand, retreating to primitive belief systems, and on the other, numbing ourselves with various forms of cheesy entertainment and distraction. There doesn’t seem to be much in the middle.
I view life as a non-linear process, that what looks like backwards motion can actually be forward motion, in the sense of trying and eliminating what doesn’t work, while waiting for new approaches to gestate. But the optimism is still sometimes hard to maintain…
I think you captured it beautifully, Robert. Glamorizing (even sensationalizing) the trivial. Like you, I feel this is invading all aspects of American life. At least, it’s what we see and talk about most of the time. All the more reason for changing the conversation. Each one of us, here, now, whenever and wherever we can.
Your perspective regarding movement is valuable, and a strong reminder. Momentum – even if it highlights what doesn’t work for us – can be viewed as bringing us closer to what does.
As always, thank you for continuing to read and comment.
Great thoughts on a sticky topic, BLW. The “hooking” image infuriates me, for all the reasons you point out, not least of all the sexist imagery of a predator woman luring her prey.
I suspect many of us feel our most beautiful, sexy, and confident when loving and being loved for our whole, um, package: head, heart, and, sure, physical qualities as well. No need for fishing line.
It is infuriating, Kristen, yes. And the “whole package” is what genuinely keeps us connected. Why are we straying from that reality in everything we find in pop culture – and more?
I say we tear the whole thing down and start over. Wait, wasn’t that the point of the flood?
Note that following the flood, the animals were still paired off in twos… Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?