It’s not that I’m not busy. I am.
It’s not that each day’s checklist doesn’t overflow with tasks. It does.
It’s not that I don’t see progress – toward something. I do.
And I’m a woman who requires a sense of forward movement, of working toward goals, of achievement. When my head hits that pillow at night and I review my state of affairs (so to speak), I’m either tired and satisfied, or tired and disappointed.
But lately it’s the latter, not the former.
I wonder if I should chalk it up to midlife, to the extra pounds around my middle, to the empty nest I have yet to adjust to. Or better yet, lack of income as compared to the abundance of expenses.
I imagine it’s all of the above, and its umbrella – a sensation of being overwhelmed by a lifestyle that seems increasingly underwhelming.
Daily Dance of Duties
My checklists sit by the computer and often by my bed; always growing, and priorities reshuffling frequently.
As a single or solo mother, everything was clear: whatever it took to raise the kids, end of story.
But now?
I feel worn out and winding down more quickly than I like, though I’m constantly convincing myself I can – and must – get up and out, and be productive at something that matters: bringing in revenues, staying healthy, increasing focus with all this so-called “free time” now that active parenting isn’t part of every day.
But there is no free time. Only tasks, and frustration that I can’t pursue them with my usual relentless determination.
Midlife Madness After All?
This is maddening, though I doubt it’s madness. Perhaps it’s the single woman’s version of a peculiar pity party, especially painful when empty nest occurs coincident with a striking lack of funds.
And the result? Not madness.
Inertia on the good days, and on the bad, paralysis.
I want to think of myself as 50 and fabulous, and in many ways I do. Yet the conviction of my worth shares the stage with a brooding lack of significance each morning when I wake, and each night when I attempt to sleep.
I feel overwhelmed (and guilty) at everything I’m supposed to want to do, but that my body (in its burnout) and my finances (in their depletion) simply won’t accommodate.
And no one’s talking about these feelings. No one I know, anyway.
Women, Relationships, Money
This is futility. This is a sense of falling off a cliff. This is transition – sort of – but then again, it’s not.
This isn’t about menopause or mothering, dating or relationships. I’m in a relationships and it’s good, very good. This is about my relationship with me. Your relationship with you. Our relationship with society, with expectations of its women, a need to redefine who we are at midlife just as we have at other points in time, when we were likely so busy nurturing partners and offspring and co-workers that we were overwhelmed with overwhelmed, not overwhelmed and underwhelmed.
It’s also about money or its absence. Something else that no one will speak about. Not openly.
My Mirror, My Self; My Ability to Provide
What makes up a woman’s mental health, or a man’s for that matter?
Here’s my take: satisfaction with an evolving self, satisfaction in relationships with others, satisfaction at work which feels like it matters in some way. Feeling like we matter, as reflected in each of these aspects of our lives.
And emotional health? Would that be a balance of acceptable, non-harming feelings and behaviors – their appropriate access, expression, and coping mechanisms for each?
What else?
For those of us who played the role of breadwinner for years, the ability to provide for ourselves and our families. And without that, stress is broad and deep and festering and devastating. We may find love, but it won’t pay the rent, the taxes, the doctor’s visits, the grocery bill.
Past accomplishments? We may have plenty, and gazing in the mirror, we are well aware of them and proud. As we should be.
But that isn’t enough, if we’re sinking fast in the present, and cannot even imagine the future.
Single Mother Health
I came across an article from June of this year concerning a study reflecting that single mothers are more likely to have health problems after age 40. While I consider the focus of the study grossly incomplete (as reported) – low-income mothers bearing children out of wedlock – its conclusions hardly come as news to any single or solo mother.
Of more interest, and perhaps relevance, is this, from the same article:
“The health effects seen in this study were probably largely a result of the single mothers’ economic disadvantage… If a large percentage of single mothers today had the family and financial support they needed to raise a child, then they might face fewer health problems.
Amen.
Healthy Heart, Healthy Head
In search of meatier musings on midlife experience, I came across an excellent piece at HealthyWomen.org, on why we’re stressed.
It offers a laundry list of reasons as to why any contemporary woman would feel overwhelmed – all the elements of the “having it all and doing it all” syndrome, along with caring for elderly parents, and possibly supporting adult children financially. Yet it seems to me the situation is exacerbated by our expectations that we ought to be able to do it gracefully – and that adds to the stress, with its deleterious health effects.
But I take exception to this:
“As women, we may be hardwired to be less able to cope with stress. It could be just a matter of brain chemistry. According to the National Institute of Mental Health: “A study in rats has revealed striking gender differences in the brain’s stress response…
Stress activates something called the corticotrophin releasing factor (CRF) in your brain (which lets it know that something is wrong), and men’s brains need a lot more CRF than ours do before they become highly agitated. (Others theorize differently, claiming that due to the female hormone oxytocin, women seek out other women to talk to when they need help.)”
I disagree with the premise. I disagree with excluding the millions of women who carry untenable stress loads for years – unmarried, widowed, or divorced – frequently raising their families until they reach the place where I find myself, simultaneously solid, cast adrift, and just plain scared.
Reinvention Means Reshaping Purpose
Reinvention is all well and good, but it involves more than the superficial – a new haircut, a more veggie-friendly diet, taking up yoga to stay fit. It means redefining our purpose. But purpose, like survival, requires money.
So which comes first – purpose or money? Does it matter, if you’re overwhelmed and under-financed?
Why are so few women willing to talk about these issues – in particular the fear of less income, or no income at all? Don’t we need to speak out?
Fighting Stereotypes
Perhaps it’s more logical than I realize, than we realize, those of us who find ourselves in this place without a name or category, often banished from the prettier discussions of aging (gracefully), yet still convinced that we can – and do understand what that means: certain of our capacity for contribution (though needing a rest), aware of our beauty (even as it changes), fighting stereotypes (of all sorts), and lost without too little work for pay – while slammed against ageism in a dreadful economy.
Are we willing to express this version of midlife? The more complete experience – beyond hormones, beyond an extra inch at the waistline, beyond the inevitable let-down once the job of child-rearing is done? Can we believe in renewal and rejuvenation, while admitting that we’re hanging on by our fingernails?
Money Worries + Midlife = Stress (+ Opportunity?)
Surely, I’m not the only 50-year-old woman not worried about hot flashes, not preoccupied with children, not fretting over skinny jeans, but worried sick – literally – over an emaciated budget and the ability to survive.
Stress and its health impacts?
You betcha.
Then again, a woman’s stamina is an inspiring phenomenon or I doubt that most of us would still be here. And we are – fighting for our present and increasingly aware that we must fight for our future – one which requires recreating a realistic, resilient, and evolutionary sense of self; a country in which we own a voice; communities and partners that value us for our skills, knowledge and hearts; each and every one of us, able to earn our way back into the game.
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Excellent and all so true. Great articles today.
Wishing you the best right now.
You have taken my breath away today. I am devastated, but it’s not your fault, it’s to your credit. I have felt devastated by this exact fear on behalf of all women in this country, in this world, who are confronting the same reality. I am sick to my very core by these truths. We must figure this out.
I have no answers, only my words to tell you that I’m here and I’m listening. That’s probably not worth much, but I hope it’s worth something. I share your frustration, and Barbara’s, that this is a reality that so many women face. Kudos to you for using your eloquent, powerful voice to talk about your experience so that more people can know and understand.
absolutely brilliant & true. and thank you, thank you, thank you!
heartbreakingly brilliant.
all my love.
Breathless! You paint a picture of the lives of so many.
Stress comes from unemployment, raising kids (sometimes solo), getting older and health issues for sure. But stress is so much easier to take when you can see some glimmer of hope or shred of some normality in the near future. It is easy to lose that hope when it is stress which seems to have no end.
I understand your words of feeling as though you are drowning in a sea with no hope of rescue. I hope for you a timely end to this situation.
I’m with Kristen in sending compassion and encouragement. I might further add that money is essentially energy, thus it parallels the brain which essentially processes energy and information. If the energy flows to the lower part, you have fear and anger, if it flows right you have attachment and nourishing relatedness, if it flows left you have competition and analysis (and sometimes looping worries, even when reflecting real threats, get us stuck in a paralyzed “energy”—literally over-activating the fear and need for certainty parts, under-flowing to the safe and connected parts). The problem with the achieving mind is that while it drives us on, it is never satisfied, never happy. Thus let your left mind drive you to earn, but come bedtime do not ask it how you did today, ask your right brain if you love.
While it may be a chicken-egg dilemma, if you can spend some time quieting the worry mind (easier said than done) you free up energy, which helps with creativity, with play, with love… and perhaps even with money (the calm social intelligence to see opportunity and better participate in flow). While there are serious societal obstacles that women (and men) face, the more women (and the men who love them) love each other into calm confidence the sooner the playing field will level.
After all, if we think “male” principle (competition and measuring) vs. feminine “principle” (connecting and nourishing) we may get beyond testosterone and gender and into a mix that works for men and women together. I know I trend toward optimism, but it is still firmly rooted in a long history of neurotic dread and anxiety.
As for the brass tacks of money, I have no idea how I’m going to pay for my kids’ education, help my parents, keep it all going in a time of all the ships going down in a sinking tide at best, and in a Titanic catastrophe worse still… and yet I root for you BLW, and for all of us.
At least you’re talking about the real fears you have (and so many of us share)—and that is a fantastic way to heal fear and to free up energy to be resourceful and prosper to the extent circumstances make that possible.
Thank you for your “rooting,” Bruce, Kristen, everyone.
But the bottom line is those brass tacks you mention. In this world, in this culture, without those brass tacks, you’re done. This is our challenge as a so-called “civilized” nation. To set aside our need to be right, our preference for the shiny semi-truths and positive spin, and do the slow, hard work of looking at ways to care for each other in all our communities. Because we are failing miserably, and it doesn’t bode well for any of us.
I know it doesn’t mean much, but we’re here for you, Wolfie. Howl out at the injustice as loud and as often as you wish. xoxo
I think what hits me the hardest with this post is that you are speaking from the position of a woman who hardly has a voice. Not because you are quiet (your words are loud) or weak (you words give strength) but because our current society seeks to quiet what you have to say. The bullshit of what you and so many other 50 something women deal with revs up my passion. I want to go out there and kick some serious ass for you and every other women who is dealing with the issues you so eloquently bring up.
But something I lack is knowledge which also breeds insecurity and a sense of powerlessness. While you and I often engage in conversations regarding what needs to be changed, and I feel we are similar in how we view the world, there is much to be said of actually encouraging change. So I sit and twiddle my thumbs thinking “I can’t do anything.”
Yet. You, in your words, give me hope. I am young. I am bright. I can be an advocate for change. I can add my voice to the minority and SCREAM IT LOUD that we will not put up with sexism.
So I will keep telling people about your words and showing them exactly what needs to change. Maybe you, in all your wisdom (of which you have abundance), can help me in this? Tell me what I–and other women–can physically do to help. Not just you but every woman in your position.
And, as always, I feel so inspired by your words.
“Tell me what I – and other women – can physically do to help. Not just you but every woman in your position.”
I’ve been thinking about your words since you wrote them, Amber, deeply touched by the direct manner in which you have approached the issue, and all the more so because of your own situation which isn’t without constant juggling. For one thing, your words help. Asking “what can I do?” is a first step, and it acknowledges the harsh reality.
Having reflected on your question, a few things come to mind. Among them:
Yes, I am an idealist. Go figure.
I’m sure others have better ideas than these. I also like your SCREAM OUT LOUD. Not just about sexism, but ageism, racism, extremist nationalism – all the isms that would divide us and dehumanize us.
Midlife Madness. Yes, I think you’ve coined a perfect phrase. You are touching so many women with your words. Always.
Let your left mind drive you to earn, but come bedtime do not ask it how you did today, ask your right brain if you love.
(Thank you, Bruce.)
I read this post, and others like it, and think of our grandparents and their grandparents in that old world, hanging on by their fingernails. Of all that life here should be and isn’t.
“Of all life here should be, and isn’t.”
Yes.
First, I hope you’re hanging in there. I’m in my early 40s and already thinking about my next stage in life. I may soon find myself unemployed (or self-employed) and it is scary to give up the breadwinner role even as I also resent it! I need reminders, like your post, that it is so important to have and maintain professional skills. On most days, I am proud of my education and accomplishments. On other days, I envy my stay-at-home mom friends/family even though they may have identity crisis once their children leave the nest. No matter what I will remember your advice to NOT let joy of motherhood become the entirety of me.
Oil and Garlic! It’s been so long! Delighted to hear from you. And yes – hang in there as long as you can, and stay current every way you can. It’s a matter of survival.
I don’t always comment or finish commenting! But I definitely like reading your blog and getting advice/different perspectives.
Thank you, OAG. And I’m delighted to be reading you again!
Wolf, just wanted to let you know. I am here too. Always. xoxo
Ahhh how I can relate. And perhaps the real reason behind my recent despair about aging. I can’t sort out if it’s getting older or the enormous loss I can’t seem to recover from. When I was 42 I lost everything – my home (that I paid for), my husband who was 10 years older to a 17 year old Russian girl (yes it’s not even close to exaggeration), the stepson whom I raised from 4 to 15, a business I financed and grew with my husband and all the work and relationships that went with that. I was completely and utterly devastated. The one thing I did not protect myself from, after years of saving and doing well professionally, was my husband. I was cleaned out completely. Then, just to test my soul, I lost a job that I managed to find one year later. That and a horrible debaucle with an evil unnamed bank and my house was illegally foreclosed on. I can’t believe I survived at all. My 40s were marked by enormous loss. And now I hang by a string. At the moment I am contracting but that could end at the first sign someone will buy this company. So yes, there is shear terror for lack of anything solid beneath my feet. My girlfriends who managed to keep both their husbands and houses seem to do better with the aging issues than I but yes someone needs to start talking and fast (as Wolfie has done here) about the terror of surviving for the next decades without worrying about what is to come next. “Hanging by our nails” is in fact what many of us are doing. I suggest if you are past 55 that you check out ENGage.com where there is hope to have something besides survival in a community of folks.
Perhaps it was inappropriate of me, but when I got to the line in the study that said that women are hardwired to be less able to cope with stress, I burst out laughing. Really? REALLY? The authors of this study don’t know the women I do, apparently, and they don’t know me. When my life has fallen apart, I haven’t had the luxury of being “less able to cope,” as I’ve been too busy protecting my daughter and managing the things in life that need managing. When my ex stood staring, mute and confused, I still managed to pack the snacks, do the laundry, and drag myself to chemo, all the while holding my little girl and assuring her that we’d get through this. I gathered my community around me to do this, and watched as he shut down. And I’ve heard variations of my story a million times.
And now, in divorce, I make less than half of the income he does, and have primary custody, and responsibility for the house, the dog walking, the grocery shopping, etc…. and I would say that he is the one sitting frozen on the sofa.
Women don’t have the luxury of sitting frozen on the sofa, remote in hands, because we are too damn busy getting things done. We may hurt just as much, we may have just as many concerns, but we keep going.
Your advice to Amber was spot on. I bet the bank – literally – on my ex’s commitment to me, our marriage, our family, our financial health. And now I’m paying financially as well as emotionally. I am not a fool, and I had a good career and a great education prior to marriage, but it is humbling in the extreme to be in my 40s and starting over again.
And as for the relentless fatigue that makes us feel paralyzed….yes. Sometimes I’m too tired to read, as the words dance before my eyes and stop making sense, and I think, “But all I asked for was an hour at the end of the day to take care of myself by reading for my own pleasure….” I don’t have answers. I wish I did, OH how I wish I did.
Thank you for sharing this with me, with everyone, so that we could all feel less alone. We are not alone. Surely, there is something in that. Surely, collectively, we can find an answer…