It’s not that I expect all of us to play nice all of the time. But men and women really can get along if they try. And married people? Isn’t that the idea?
I was watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere, and I’ll take Lisa Vanderpump’s approach to marital maneuvering over the constancy of bickering between Adrienne and Paul.
Sniping seems to be their particular love language, and while it isn’t mean per se, it often strays far afield of affectionate angling for the upper hand.
In fact, there is little warm or cooperative about most of the footage between these two. It’s low-grade noise, unsettling and unpleasant.
Playful?
Perhaps what sits on the virtual cutting room floor.
“As long as the end of the night ends up peaceful, that’s what counts,” says Paul in a narrative snippet.
Teasing, Shmeasing
Contemplating the routine repartee and occasional sarcasm that form part of my usual communication with my sons, I’m pondering, I’m pondering, I’m pondering.
Nope.
It’s not contentious. It’s good-natured wordplay. It’s teasing.
As for my parents – teasing, yes; bickering, no.
My ex? Still no pot shots.
And other relationships? I can’t recall a single one that ventured into this prickly pastime. To me, there is teasing (which I enjoy), there is nitpicking (which approaches the line), and there is bickering (which I abhor).
Kids? When they’re little and fighting?
Absolutely. They bicker and it’s horrid. Perhaps that’s what makes adult bickering so toxic and trying. It reminds us of children who fuss and compete over everything, and who earn themselves plenty of time-outs.
A Fine Line in Family Fighting
My grandparents bickered. They were married more than fifty years, and the familial friction between them was neither constant nor mean, and acted as an accompaniment to other sorts of relational music. And that included knowing looks and affectionate gestures, a twinkle in the eye and a mischievous smile, and compromise over verbal sparring.
As for the eccentric (and exaggerated?) pairings on these so-called reality TV shows, sure, we’re looking for a measure of entertainment, a stirring of drama, and no doubt we get glimpses into their real reality – including baiting in mating.
And we also hear the wives who say “we don’t fight because my husband always gives in.”
I’m not sure I love that handling when it comes to problem-solving, and nor am I convinced I believe it. In fact, I prefer this exchange:
“Do you two ever bicker?” Paul asks Lisa and Ken, married some 29 years.
Lisa replies: “What is there to fight about, really?”
I must say, her perspective bears consideration. How many molehills do we make into mountains, rather than focusing on the good and appreciating what we share?
Your Communication Style?
Banter? Tease? I admit that I love it.
Baiting? Bickering? Not my style.
- Do you fight, and if so, do you play fair?
- Do you sometimes pick a fight, without knowing why?
- When you disagree, does your partner give in or do you?
- Do you tease? Do you banter?
- Do you bicker? Do your kids bicker?
Images courtesy BravoTV.com
I hate bickering, baiting and even teasing walks a very very fine line for me. (As a younger sister who was mercilessly teased for years, I’m not always sure there is such a thing as good natured teasing.) When we disagree, I want to talk directly.
There is playful talk and verbal sparring that is joyful and doesn’t strive to put the the other down or get the upper hand. Those I enjoy.
Teasing certainly can walk a fine line, Kate. I agree with you completely. But most people know when they’ve gone too far, though siblings seem to be among the worst offenders!
My parents are just as you describe your grandparents to be. They bicker a lot –
Why didn’t you take that turn back there?
Why are you packing the car that way?
When are you going to get the lawn mowed?
Constant. And yet, they are as in love as the day they married. They are models of how I want it to be. However, they never call each other names, or degrade the other, even in a teasing joking manner.
Ahh love and all of its ups and downs.
Darn! I missed the season opener. As a child I never saw my parents bicker, tease, argue, in fact I’m not exactly sure when they talked. I was to be seen and not heard, along with my siblings. So suffice to say, I don’t tease, banter or argue much, I hold it all in.
As far as my kids, well they have no problem bickering and bantering, and I couldn’t be happier that they have the opportunity to speak freely.
@nas – I know in the case of my grandparents, that was also a time when divorce was pretty rare, and Lucy-Ricky style interaction was common.
@Linda – Not to worry about missing the season opener… you know Bravo repeats everything! (And check out last night’s Just Desserts in reruns as well if you can; 3 of the Housewives were on. Pink desserts everywhere!)
So far (and we’ve not quite been married a full year) … no fights. Not true fights. We don’t even bicker. We definitely tease, but lovingly. We definitely banter, but in fun. If there’s something serious we just talk it out! 🙂
Talking it out. Fabulous, Soccer Mom. (Why don’t we learn how to do these things sooner?)
We don’t bicker, but we do DEBATE! It can get pretty intense, and then the next day we forget what it was about. Fran does not let up readily, and I usually am not as committed/intense to whatever is our odd topic of the moment (is “jitterbug” the same as “Lindy” is the same as “rock and roll”?).
Debate is great!
Though bicker is quicker…
😉
“bicker is quicker” — you’re funny! And I love it that you watch Beverly Hills Housewives, too! It’s my guilty pleasure!
Isn’t the dividing line between banter and bickering ‘respect’? Loss of respect takes adoration with it. Toxicity blooms. Soon the little tendencies and habits you once thought were cute are the things you find most annoying … the bickering becomes habit.
My ex and I knew this couple who bickered, constantly. I never left their presence that I didn’t have a knot in my stomach. I can’t remember being at a social event with them that they didn’t make everyone around them uncomfortable. They were both quite unpleasant to be around one on one also.
The ex and I NEVER argued. We calmly discussed and communicated. We are now divorced. The bickering Kionkas are still together and, I’m sure, still bickering.
There’s a lesson there, I’m sure. Perhaps bickering conversation is better than none, or other forms?
At certain times of the month, I find myself nit-picking (hen-pecking) my husband. These are also the time when I’d want nothing more than a desert island somewhere in the middle of the ocean with Diet Coke, red wine, mango and fresh fish to eat (Who am I kidding?). It’s chocolate I want. Anyway, I have to stop myself from making snide comments. I think sometimes we (I) take for granted those around me. I mean David will always love me, even during those times of the month. But would I talk this way to my best girlfriend? Then why to my husband?
You do raise the issue of other impetus giving rise to nitpicking and subsequent bickering. We’re annoyed about one thing (and hold it in); then it comes out somewhere else in a sort of passive-aggressive fashion.
Everyone has those days, Michelle – or those few days periodically – but we don’t necessarily communicate in that way all the time. You did say something else though, about the way you talk to your husband occasionally. I try to remind myself that I should always treat the one I love at least as well as I’d treat my best friend. Then again, I did that with the man I married, and we divorced. I suppose it takes two thinking along those lines, or it doesn’t work. I wonder if anyone has done a study on those who bicker versus those who don’t – and the satisfaction they get from their relationships. Not divorce rates (it’s too easy to make assumptions and ignore the complexity of why marriages end) – but rather – satisfaction with relationship, while still ongoing, bickering versus not.
Maybe, just maybe it comes down to how personally we TAKE the bickering and banter. If we take it in as a hit or an attack, it may hurt more than if we just understand it is a differing opinion and leave it at that. Could have some to do with how strong the relationship is or our own self-worth.