“What people say matters terribly,” her friend insists, trying to get the 40-something widow played by Jane Wyman to give up her love affair with a hunky younger man, none other than Rock Hudson. She is a well-heeled woman with her place in society. He is the son of a gardener.
Of course, we aren’t sure which is worse – his age or lack of social status.
I stumbled over this 1955 soaper on TV not long ago. I hadn’t seen it in years, and I couldn’t resist watching as the mores and roles of another generation unfolded in front of my eyes.
Mores and roles through the Hollywood lens that is.
Still, I wonder how much has changed in 50 years. Or how little.
Don’t we still believe that men can be fun-loving bachelors for a good long time, but every girl should be married – and a mother? And to some extent, once past that role (and aging), women lose “market value?”
As for this film, when Jane Wyman’s character is courted by Rock Hudson, everyone questions his motives (no doubt, he wants her money). And then there are her motives – she must be interested in his body, and her peers make no bones about expressing that opinion.
There’s petulance from her two college-aged children who are on the verge of pursuing their own lives (one is engaged, and the other, about to take a job overseas), yet they insist that their mother’s actions are inappropriate and surely she can’t really be in love with this younger man.
Friends and acquaintances are equally vocal in their disapproval. At a cocktail party to make introductions, as word gets around that Rock works outdoors, one catty socialite coos: “Oh, I imagine he’s good with his hands inside, too.”
A widow?
She’s supposed to live in the shadow of who she once was, and if she remarries, the “old circle” needs to approve.
Love? Passion?
That’s for the very young. Surely not for a woman of 40!
Jane gives up Rock, and is expected to pass her remaining years quietly in front of the shiny new console television. Naturally, several twists and turns ensue that bring the couple back together, and yes – there is a happy ending. They embrace each other and the life they will construct in spite of convention, and in spite of the fact that “what people say matters.”
While I won’t say that nothing has changed since this film was made, I’m nonetheless surprised at how little.
Older woman, younger man?
Oh, it may not be as taboo as it once was, but the term “Cougar” – disparaging, at least in my mind – certainly indicates that we don’t consider it the usual, and we do chalk it up to the woman being hungry for young flesh – and in a position of financial power to acquire it. Because why else could a man be interested in an older woman, right?
The fact that the male lead espouses a more kindly (anti-materialistic) philosophy is also not well received by the affluent group. The same old story of the haves and the have-nots? Of social snobbery? Material versus spiritual abundance?
So how much has changed? Really?
- Don’t we still raise an eyebrow when we see a 10-year span or more and it is the woman who is older?
- Don’t we still think nothing of the same scenario in reverse – older man, younger woman? Think Alec Baldwin (53) and his new lady love Hilaria Thomas (27) – do we even blink an eye?
- Don’t we expect the man to be the provider, and don’t we doubt the sincerity of affections when the woman has money and the man doesn’t?
- Do you care what people think about your choices in partners?
- Do you bend to convention, even in the face of a delicious alternative?
Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.
Think about it, Pauline… 60+ years since the Cary Grant film I referenced (“Every Girl Should Be Married”), and 55 years since this film. We’ve made strides in the workplace, yes (though not enough) – but in relationships?
Loved that film. I needed all the support I could get during a lifetime of defying convention.
I actually loved it, too, Pj. Considering when it was made, it’s startling. Not only for the love relationship, but the philosophies rejecting traditional materialism.
I love the oldies, have not seen this one. Will have to add it to my queue.
I wrestled with this very thing in my own mind recently. I was asked out by a man 17 years my junior. I did not mention it to anyone but one close friend and her response was similar to the “Oh, I imagine he’s good with his hands inside, too.” comment.
I was very comfortable with him, a recently awarded doctor of optometry. He is very mature for his age. The hardest part for me was my own status in life right now. Unemployed, not emotionally sound. Well- that and the fact that this man is but three years older than my own son!
I think that people will talk about others as long as they are not following the ‘status quo’. anything unusual is great fodder. People need to live and let live.
I know what you mean, NAS – about the “live and let live.” I think what makes a relationship work is compatibility of values, some amount of shared interests, and of course – that elusive “chemistry.” I don’t think that age matters per se, but I have found that being at a similar life stage makes a difference, if you want a real relationship. But that’s just my experience.
Like you, I’ve been asked out by men much younger – usually in France, but not always. One very hunky guy in my own city pursued for awhile, about 3 years ago. He thought I was 10 years older. But the age difference was in fact 20. While he was considerably older than my kids, and I liked him as a person, I wasn’t willing to go that next step and actually get involved. Our life stages were diametrically opposed. Could have been a nice little fling though… 😉
Bend over for convention? The only bending I do is in the bedroom.
Since my divorce (the year I turned forty), my dating rules have evolved a bit. But not much. I learned early on that men my age and older couldn’t keep up with me. And I don’t just mean in the sack. I mean in every way. They always want to go to sleep too early. They are tired after work. They can’t even conceive of going out to a movie a 8 or 9 (or god forbid 10) o’clock on a weekday evening. And there were plenty of younger men asking me out. Still, I didn’t find older men unattractive so I wanted to keep my options open. My rule was that he had to be older than my oldest child and younger than my father. The younger men kept winning out. I had no interest in a relationship, so really it was all just for fun. And my rule became simpler. They just had to be old enough to buy me a drink. 😉
Now, four marriage proposals and over eleven years later, I have settled into a long-term, no-marriage relationship with a man 11 years my junior. He’s purrfect for me. And I believe I’m purrfect for him. We’ve been together six plus years and I don’t see it ending.
I’m with you on all counts, Cathouse Teri. On energy level (in general), and finding someone with whom you are in sync. It has to do with so much, and little to do with a number.
One of my favorite movies!
My mother called the other day to tell me that an uncle I had never met had passed away from a heart attack. He and my Aunt had been married for 15 years and, to my surprise, he was 21 years younger than her.
I was pleased with that bit of information and even more pleased at the fact that this had not been a major topic of discussion in our family. I have another aunt who has been married for nearly 38 years to a man 13 years her junior.
So, it would seem I come from folks who don’t bend to convention and could care less what people think of their choices in a partner. It has made me think differently over the last few days about one particular, “young” man who has been wooing me.
“Wooing.” Ah… Wooing is good! If only we didn’t have to label things, hmmm? Especially when it comes to women. (Funny how we seem to do that more when it comes to a woman’s behavior. Or am I imagining that?)
Wonderful post! I’m comfortably single and like to think I would be secure enough in myself, to enjoy a relationship, no matter what the participant ages happen to be.
I root for true love (and more compassion and less judgment, often born of envy), and that shows up in whatever age spread it shows up. It does, however, seem to me that women at least slightly older than men makes for a good match as years go by (at least for the sake of the women).
I don’t pay any attention to age. When I was 24 I dated a 41 year-old woman for quite some time. To me the question is always compatibility and age is just one element.
I never met an old movie I didn’t like, mostly.
A month ago a woman half my age flirted with me. I went home and told Nora all about it. We were thrilled.
For the record, my eyebrow raises when an age gap of ten years or more happens in ANY arrangement. I think it’s kinda yucky. Maybe there’s a certain age that won’t look so yucky to me but right now, it all kinda gives me the heebie jeebies.