It’s a subject I’ve had to think about, make decisions about, and deal with – the realities of teenage sex, whether or not to make sure condoms were available and, what would – or wouldn’t – be “allowed” at home.
This topic is addressed on the New York Times Parenting blog, Motherlode, and I recommend that you read the ongoing discussion, including the comments. And rather than falling back on a simplistic and leading question like “Are your for or against?” – which suggest that one is advocating teenage sex or resisting against it – I’d like to take a more nuanced approach to the issue.
By that I mean – what you believe is manageable versus desirable, what factors come into your assessment, and what real dangers you see should you “accept” the fact that your adolescents will be sexually active.
First – may we agree that education is a must?
Long gone are the days when a curable STD or teenage pregnancy were the “only” worries a parent had, and I don’t mean to minimize those concerns; they remain to this day, despite the prevalence of the Pill since the 1960s, and the fact that condoms have been around for generations.
Sexual Freedom, Sexual Health
In the early 1980s, the spread of Herpes hastened awareness that the Pill was insufficient to protect one’s health. The days of “free love” were here and gone, seemingly in the blink of an eye.
But by the mid-80s, AIDS fear eclipsed every other conversation on sexual health, and most reasonable adults at the time took appropriate steps to limit risk.
But let’s talk teens, shall we? And the reference that Motherlode cited, which is Sociology Professor Dr. Amy Schalet’s criticism of:
the belief of most American parents that their teenage children should not be allowed to have sleepover dates in their home.
In a previous article on Dr. Schalet’s work and upcoming book, a further distinction is made between Dutch and American teenagers, including the need for an adolescent to “split” certain aspects of their life, in order to present the expected (and acceptable) familial face:
Unlike the American teenagers I interviewed, who said they felt they had to split their burgeoning sexual selves from their family roles, the Dutch teens had a chance to integrate different parts of themselves into their family life.
Teenage Sex, Ready Or Not Here They Come
Personally, I don’t believe that 13, 14, and 15-year olds are ready for sex, but I nonetheless put condoms in the bathroom – just in case. When my boys were 15.
Who doesn’t think that adolescents engage in a variety of sexual activities?
As the mother of two teenagers (and a house usually swarming with them), I have observed dramatically divergent “readiness” for all sorts of things in life. Some 15-year-olds are more mature than 18-year-olds, and the differences don’t slot simplistically by age or gender or socioeconomic background.
When it comes to older teenagers, do you really believe they aren’t exploring their sexuality? Aren’t you worried about things getting “carried away” – and wouldn’t you prefer them to be protected?
Right, right.
That’s education and birth control, not the even trickier topic of allowing sex under your own roof – or heaven forbid – acknowledging that teenagers are sexual, and even fall in love.
But are education and sexual activity related? Is there causation?
Maybe you believe that allowing them to express their sexuality in their own rooms is condoning it. Maybe you believe it’s a matter of who they’re doing it with, or the nature of the relationship, or even if there is a relationship.
Morality – A Personal Matter, A Family Matter
Every family has their own sense of what they consider right or wrong, acceptable or not. And it isn’t just about sex.
In my household, honesty, respect, and tolerance have been non-negotiable. I won’t say there haven’t been slip-ups from my kids, but they’ve been few and dealt with swiftly.
We all know that once trust is lost, it’s damn difficult to re-establish it. That goes for trusting the word of your child just as it does your friend, your lover, your spouse, or your business partner.
Around here, the subject of sexual activity was introduced early – in age-appropriate ways and in response to questions, and incorporating my beliefs which run more in keeping with family behaviors I’ve observed in Western Europe, or for that matter – the sort of approach described by Dr. Schalet in her article comparing Dutch and American attitudes.
I made it clear to my sons that I thought 15 was still too young for most, that physical readiness didn’t equate to emotional readiness, but that I would respect their right to privacy in their own rooms, and I wanted to be sure they would protect themselves and the girls they knew – physically and emotionally.
Affection, Parental Models
My sons have seen me exceptionally selective in my post-divorce relationships. I don’t believe in the hypocrisy of “do as I say, not do as I do.”
Would I feel differently if I had daughters?
I like to think I wouldn’t; in fact, the teenage girls I know were sexually active sooner than the boys. All the more reason to make sure they are safe while doing so – and that includes a safe location.
In my experience, turning a blind eye to teenage sexuality is foolish, and recognizing the reality of that sexuality is not the same as encouraging it.
Meanwhile, I am genuinely interested in what you think and why:
- What do you consider a “manageable” approach to teenage sexuality?
- What factors do you consider?
- Is denying sexual awakening a matter of “self control” (a comment on the Motherlode article)?
- Have you or will you speak of the emotional side of sexuality, as well as the physical?
- Would you accept sexuality if it takes place elsewhere, but prohibit it under your own roof?
- Are you more inclined to “normalize” teenage sex, or stick to “don’t ask don’t tell” policies?
I had a conversation on this last night. My daughter, naturally inquisitive, has asked questions on biology for years – to which I have responded with honesty and respect for her and her age. My priority is that she is aware of safety, respecting herself and any boys, and that she is aware of her responsibilities – In our house, honesty and respect and integrity are the foundations upon which everything else grows. Therefore, she is raised to know that I will respect her questions, her privacy, and we will have honest conversations… there is no question or topic off limit.
Having lived in Europe, I would say that I am raising her more European or even Australian in matters such as sex ed. Whether she has sex or not is not the point – I believe that she will be presented with the opportunity and I want her to have the information she needs to make the best decisions for her… and to know that whatever she decides, I love her and we can talk/discuss it.
I know men and women who hide their heads in the sand when it comes to their fifteen year old daughters and sexual matters – not my daughter? I wonder where they think they live? Where they think their daughters go to school? And whether or not they believe their daughters have friends?
You make an excellent point, TE, about the environment our teens are in – at school, in socializing with peers, and certainly there is media influence as well. It sounds like you believe that knowledge is key, as is promoting an environment in which your daughter is free to come to you with questions and issues.
I am only on the cusp of this issue and my thoughts seem to be similar to yours. First and foremost I want them safe. Other than that, my thoughts on privacy and the extent to which they are entitled is murky at best. As you know, my trust has been broken and we are working on regaining that.
I’m glad you touched on the point of respectfulness with the girl in the relationship. Being the mother of all boys, it is very important to me that they understand and respect the girls they are with – physically and emotionally. Most especially, emotionally.
Trust is crucial. And each child must maintain that relationship of trust. Just because we extend one privilege to one of our kids doesn’t mean we extend it to the others – when it comes to anything. And I think that’s a huge part of this discussion – the nature, temperament, and maturity of each of our teenage sons and daughters – without applying some blanket rule (or guideline), and also, being able to adjust if we see that things aren’t going as we thought, or that advantage is being taken.
I don’t think there’s anything easy in any of this, Cathy. But like you, I want my teens and their friends or anyone they would be involved with – emotionally safe, as well as physically.
Ugh. I have no idea. Can we get through potty training first? 🙂 Seriously though, this is an important topic and I really appreciate that you are willing to tackle it and provide your perspective. I wish I had a perspective of my own to add, but at this point my beliefs would be nothing but conjecture.
I have been very open with my children. I have told them that, although I hope they wait to have sex until they are in a truly loving, mature relationship, I’m here for them unequivocally if they need me because they are on the verge of/have engaged in sex.
No, I do not condone it being done under the roof of my home b/c I am under the true belief that they should wait until adulthood to have sex. I did. I say that because, as much as I was curious/interested in “doing it” earlier, I came from a foundation where my father, of all people, taught me that I need to be mature enough to handle everything that comes with sex…the joy and the pain. It’s not that I was scared; it’s that I didn’t want to deal with the possibility of the let-downs that would come along if I was dumped right afterward, if I had an STD as a result of it, if I became pregnant and ruined the potential of having the future I envisioned. The joy of it could wait and did until I was ready, prepared, armed with the maturity to deal with whatever came next. I want my kids to feel the same way…not as if it is wrong for them to be ready before I was, but to be fully knowledgeable of what may come along with the really good stuff and be okay to take that kind of emotional/potentially life-long risk.
Fortunately, my kids know they can come to me and they know it is okay to make “mistakes” about some things. However, I do not shy away from telling them that there is a definite likelihood or potential that those mistakes, if they happen too soon in life, might not only come with long-term physical scars but potentially long-term emotional ones, too. Unfortunately, for me as well, my oldest (a daughter) has seen all too well from the sidelines the devastations and reputations some of her dear friends have suffered because of not having the wisdom to think through their actions first nor waiting for the maturity to be able to handle them.
My son may be a different story…he just turned 14 and is definitely in the throngs of adolescence. However, he, too, knows of kids who have already “done it” and has seen some of his female classmates with child before the end of 8th grade. I think that scares a lot of young men more than we realize…seeing what someone else did…difference is, my boy takes to heart that what boys/men did with his classmates is their responsibility as well…he’s been raised that way. Hopefully, it will stick and, when in doubt, he will seek the advice of me, his uncle, or his pop-pop to talk things through.
Open communication, trust, and education go a long way for kids to make good choices most of the time:) Being a good but also honest role model helps too:)
Tina, it sounds like you are expecting of your kids what you yourself believe and act on. So, I admire the fact that you aren’t holding them to standards that you don’t hold for yourself. It is frightening how much kids see, and so young.
I’m basically with you on this, however experience has shown me that it can become complex. What I don’t want is for children to think that they have the same rights in the home as the parents. They don’t. They have full respect, along with special privileges (they don’t have to pay the bills) and limitations. I’m older and have seen issues develop as children tend to set up house in the parental home.
We’re back from a New England vacation visiting family (including my Mom at 101), camping at a beekeeping conference, and camping and hiking at Granville State Forest (with AccurWeather reporting 101 there). Fran is a good sport.
The conference camping was mostly young people, with our tents arranged in a group. Out of consideration for these twenty-somethings, we abstained from any sex until we had more privacy at Granville. I think that was appropriate and demonstrated some self-discipline, although I wonder what they would have thought if overhearing the married old folks going at it?
Paul – you always add such depth to the conversation, and in some instances (like this one) – a great laugh! I imagine it wouldn’t have hurt the “young people” to hear the “old folks” going at it. On the contrary, it might have been eye-opening.
Anyone who thinks passion (necessarily) disappears as we get older should think again. And shouldn’t that be good news all ’round?
I nonetheless agree that parents & children are not and should not be entirely “equal” in the parental home, and I applaud your notion of consideration huddled in the beekeeping tents!
wow Very controversial topic. And very relevant. Considering such reality shows as teen mother and waning censorship on even mainstream television and movies.
After reading this post and the articles referenced, I took a moment to look back at a post (http://asmymotherbeforeme.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah-palin-and-public-school-in-utah.html) I wrote when my youngest was 15. She is now 18. The post was regarding my views on sex education in the schools.
She is my youngest and now an adult herself. However since I wrote that post, I have lived through many nights worrying about a late teenager, my mind reeling with what activities they may be engaging in. Our knowledge of our openness and communication definitely eased my mind some however it is not easy.
As many of the comments before mine state, we also hold honesty, respect as the number one expectations.
My number one rule as a mother is I trust until you give me a reason not to trust… and then it is one hell of a climb back up to that trust. And i have always followed through.
Anyone who has read my blog in its entirety can attest to the fact that I have much to be accountable for in my teen years. My children know my past, not so that I may excuse my actions, but because it plays a part in their lives too.
I suppose that I am near the point of irrelevance however, I am not sure I would be able to open up my house to any activities.. and i have girls.
I have spoken openly with all three of my now grown children and I know who is sexually active and who is not…. not easy for a parent to talk about nor the child, but it brings with it a sense of knowing they are that much more educated and possibly armed to make the best decisions.
I could go on and on… so I wont.
Oh, dear God, I am so not ready for these discussions. How much would it be to have you on retainer to fly out here and talk to my kids when they have questions??
Seriously, though, I do think kids are going to explore their sexuality no matter what we tell them (or tell them to do/not do). It’s part of growing up, and it’s a normal stage of development. I mean, we all did it, didn’t we?? know this, even as I instinctively want to shout to anyone who will listen that my kids will never have sex with anyone, ever. It’s that paradox that makes it such a tough topic, I think.
If you need me to fly over sooner, Stacia – no problem. I’ll teach your little ones French (useful in Romania, no?) – until they’re asking about sex… 😉
While I agree that “control” is a central issue here (parents asserting or relinquishing, or at least influencing) it seems that sex is ultimately about letting go of control (at least for la petite mort) and it leads, often enough, to children, which is where, ultimately, we end up losing control of pretty much everything and, if all ultimately goes well, being outlived. Embracing our own demise by celebrating our children’s sex requires a level of love and trust that would be optimized if we grown-ups truly felt like we were loved, safe and in this together.
The fact that materialism and a fear-driven culture have conspired with sex to stir pots and sales of all stripes means that our own pervasive phoniness and collective fear makes us uneasy about everything, including kids and sex; America seems like a toxic cocktail of puritanical repression and carny tent show exploitation. We’ve poisoned the well and now our children grow thirsty. Maybe it’s time to dig a new well, and not on TV or at America’s Mall or in a Mega-Church…
The great and eternal garden is in our bodies, it’s how we experience our bodies, our hearts, our sexuality that decides if we kick ourselves out of paradise (in order to control others and sew seeds of our own misery) or calm down and let go of control. If we want our kids to have a wholesome approach to sex, no less should be expected of ourselves. Are we there yet?
I think of more “mature” cultures (generally non-power and control centers of the world tableau) where sex is woven into the fabric of life much more fluidly than in our chicken-with-it’s-head-cut-off culture of purging and binging on just about everything we consume, never in moderation, never in balanced context, never without the sense that we’re all ready for our close-up but no one is watching but for a Ritalin-induced moment of stunned quasi attention… when, in fact, hardly anything could be more universal, and worth calming down about, than sex. I mean, we are all here, aren’t we? And we can thank sex, no matter what our philosophy, for that.
There is so much wisdom here, Bruce.
I hope everyone reads, and thinks.
I do not want to think about this. *wah* How about I just quit my job and stay home all day so I can watch them like a hawk? Teenage sex was not an easy alternative when I was growing up (did NOT have it) because there was simply no place to do it. (Ok, that and I did not have any MALE friends until I was in college…) It’s just very different.
Thank you though for bringing this up. I guess my husband and I do need to start discussing this topic. We need to start remembering what it was like and what we did to evade our parents…
I know it’s hard to think about this when they’re little – or even tweens (and still, as teens). Like you, this wasn’t an issue for me as a teenager. I knew when I was “ready” and I knew when I wasn’t. But friends? Another story… And seeing the friends of my kids and how young it all starts?
So important not to hide our heads in the sand.
Read the articles. Thank you! American parents are considered to be strict and puritanical?! This is news to me…
You offer a very different cultural perspective, subWOW. But perhaps I should say that American culture offers conflicting messages when you look at parental expectations (of many), and media influence (to say the least). Would love to hear more from your view, and if there is as much dissonance in the morality messaging, not to mention, hypocrisy.
I’m a few (at least!!) years away from having to face this reality firsthand, but I’m grateful that I have the time–and your words to draw on–in the meantime. My ultimate goal is honesty and facing things head on and with compassion. Hope I can live up to both.
In many discussions about attitudes, I’ve found it helpful to remember that this country was founded by religious fanatics. They believed, for example, that sex was a sin. I don’t think it’s possible to overestimate the effects of this on us, even now. I like the story of Woody Allen, who, when someone once asked him if he thought sex was dirty, said, “When it’s good.”
Just went through this with my first born, daughter. I am a single mom, and have a ten year old son as well. I decided not to allow my daughter to bring boyfriends home over night. Long story short: she moved in with her boyfriend and our relationship is “cool” at this point. I believe that in a few years she will be more friendly with me, once her hormones come to a bit more balanced and mature levels. Or, as her little brother might say, “her brain starts working again”. I miss her very much but feel strongly about this boundary.
I have a great deal of respect for your position, in particular because you have a much younger child as well, which I believe, makes these decisions a little more complex. And every family is so different. What works in my home (and with one child, for that matter) doesn’t necessarily “fit” in anyone else’s – or with my other child. All the more reason for us to follow our gut parental GPS.
I will say that I never specifically indicated that any and all sex under our roof would have been acceptable. A “relationship?” A different story.
I hope you join the conversation again. Thank you for reading and commenting, Pat.