Tiff is probably too strong a term. Misunderstanding would be more accurate, but it was frustrating and upsetting, going around and around – again – with my son.
Over money.
Over things I can’t afford that I don’t consider a priority, although what he was asking wasn’t unreasonable. These are things his peers have, or had, several years ago. Things most teenagers take for granted.
Our difference of opinion was followed by a brief discussion on the realities of credit – its cost, its limits, and my unwillingness to go further into debt for what isn’t an absolute necessity.
There’s no question that I haven’t done as good a job at communicating money matters with my younger son as I did with my first.
Of course, I could flip my perspective in that statement, and say that my elder son grasped money matters more naturally than his brother, taking the initiative by asking, when he needed to know more.
Comparisons are pointless, in any event. As every parent knows, each child is different. Moreover, our financial circumstances now are not the same as they were two years ago. I’m not the same – and neither is my son.
But there is still much to teach, and there may be resistance to learning. Some lessons are only acquired through experience; my 18-year old will have to learn for himself.
Certainly, teaching a child about money is complicated when there is only an irregular income (in a tough economy) and child support alternately shows up, doesn’t show up, or shows up late and in the wrong amount… (We’ll just leave it at that.)
How can you budget or plan? How can you teach a teenager to budget or plan?
In looking for some guidance online, I came across an article on Motherlode which speaks to letting kids learn about money by managing an allowance, through first experiences with credit, and basically, by making mistakes. It’s the way many of us learn our most important life lessons, and the article goes on to mention the problems that teenagers and college students seem to be having with these issues.
But making mistakes with money seems to me to be another one of those “high class problems to have.” Many of us can’t afford for kids to make mistakes with money. Not while they’re in our charge, anyway.
I wonder how other households have approached teaching kids about money, as they have struggled with lost jobs, patched together means of making a living through contract and part-time work, and the roller coaster of instability that characterizes our recessionary economy these past few years.
I wonder how other single or solo custodial parents – with no support, too little support, or unpredictable amounts that “show up” (often to blind a child’s eye) manage to make sense of the nonsense that is the cost of raising a child today.
As for my little household, unfortunately, I foresee continuing misunderstandings with my younger son, regardless of the data I put in front of him, and an apparent unwillingness (perhaps unconscious?) to face certain realities that are likely to persist through circumstances out of my control. That said, I remain immeasurably grateful for the merit scholarships he has earned, for the loan programs he qualified for, and I can only hope that the college years that lie ahead will offer lessons in financial responsibility, along with his chosen areas of study.
If he learns to count on himself and his performance, to take nothing for granted, and to be a straight shooter in money matters as he is in personal dealings – I’ll feel proud that I instilled the most important aspects of character. And hopefully, I can turn my attention to my own situation, with less distraction, not to mention less worry.
It is VERY hard to talk to kids about money when your situation is changing, or they have two households with completely different value systems and amounts of money. I am continually having to explain why we can’t just put a pool in the backyard or buy a new computer. I hope that eventually my kids’ will have a broader perspective of money because they’ve been raised in two different socioeconomic brackets. Either that or they’ll be totally confused.
This is something that’s hard to teach kids under the best of circumstances, Pauline. But as you point out, when you have the contortions of two households and game playing with monies, the kids end up – as you say – confused. One more reason for divorced parents to “do what’s right?”
I have no answer for this. My kids are way younger than yours but are wildly different about money, too. My parents were horrible at teaching me about money…and I probably wouldn’t have listened much anyway…and I wound up with five-figure debt after a divorce to a man who makes 6X what I make. It’s not fair, but like you said, I needed to learn it myself. Now I’m doing much better…but I’m not climbed out of the debt hole yet. And I don’t think I ever will! Good luck!
It may be slightly off topic, Soccer Mom, but how much of that debt was the result of legal fees or being taken down a particular path by the Divorce Industry, only to find that what you were told wasn’t the way it was?
That debt hole. Yes, I know what you mean. Slow and steady, to make progress. And kids do learn from watching adults manage debt, and work to reduce it.
Try Suze Ormon’s The Money Book for the young, fabulous, and broke
The title alone sounds promising, Supermodel. Will check it out – and thank you!
If you had the means for an allowance, that might help him grasp the concept of living within a budget/saving/prioritizing. Perhaps you could include him in paying the bills and he could see, first-hand, how expensive the basics are now. Maybe you could include him on creating a household budget and ask him what his priorities would be with the income available. Sadly, these are lessons that don’t really sink in until they are completely out on their own, using their own money!
Great suggestions, Lisa.
Well, my kids, ages 17 and 14, have learned the hard way…by doing without. And, doing without is completely unfair to them. Their father has continuously done well but has been very stingy and controlling when it comes to increasing child support over the past 10 yrs. that I have been flying solo with the kids who live with me 99.5% of the time. He knows I have very little money and he also knows that I can’t afford to spend money on an attorney to take him back to court to mandate the increase in support.
My kids have been behind the curve on many devices that other children receive and them flippantly lose, regain, lose again in an endless cycle of irresponsibility. My daughter had the same cell phone from the age of 11 through the age of almost 17. The only reason she had a phone at such a young age is because her father didn’t have a land line and I felt uncomfortable having my kids with him without the ability to have ease of contact.
Both children have learned that they have to save money up or earn it in order to receive things they want that are out of budget items for Christmas/Birthday presents or just plan out of budget. I think it really has made a difference with their views towards money. My daughter is very thrifty (the older of the two). My son is hard-working. Those are great characteristics to have when it comes to understanding that earning something/getting a great bargain on something feels really good!
Do I wish I had more to indulge them? Certainly! However, I’m hopeful that they will have greater appreciation of everything they have later in life because of the lessons they are learning out of necessity now.
This is all so hard. I know. And my hat’s off to you for sticking it out and doing what you can. I keep telling myself that my kids will understand more as they get older and see with adult eyes – which of course, they cannot yet, as teenagers. And there is certainly something to be said for not being flippant about gadgets and what you call the endless cycle of irresponsibility.
Great post. It’s all too easy to go into debt to buy things that our kids want because it’s so hard to say no at the time they want what they want. It’s a great reminder for me as well.
Ultimately, your son is lucky to have such a wise and loving mother and he will figure it all out. It sounds as if you are teaching him about abundance, which is a bigger lesson than just money.
You’re kind Pamela. But believe me, this isn’t an “indulgence” item in the least. If anything, it’s something to do with a pretty critical life skill. But I don’t have a printing press for hundreds in my basement… 🙂
Yes, lessons. Always lessons, right?
I believe your example and lessons are a great guide for your sons. Too often, there is not even a dialogue regarding money, debt, and living on credit. In my former profession, I saw people overextending themselves and for what? I am still not certain. The fact that you are focusing on discussions regarding needs vs. wants is crucial. And because you are doing this, I believe your sons will learn financial lessons sooner, rather than later.