Sheepishly. Brazenly. Blushingly.
That’s how I’ll fess up. In the past few months I’ve been dating. Actually dating. And strange as it is to say the words, I’ve enjoyed myself.
While I was legitimately concerned about aging out of the relationship marketplace, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. I’ve experienced a few astonishingly awkward advances, blistering boredom, as well as the fatigue – and excitement – of readying to go out on the town.
I’ve even found myself looking forward to it.
Best of all? I’ve met some great men, picking up my spirits and putting a tweak in my cheek.
Sharing the company of another adult has allowed me to set aside my worries for a few hours, indulge in life-giving laughter, and feel young. Or at least, younger. I’m reacquainting myself with desiring and being desired, with looking and being looked at.
With being seen.
But is there more? Could there be more?
High Maintenance
In my teens I thought I was low maintenance, in my twenties I deemed myself high maintenance. In my thirties I settled on medium maintenance compared to the other women I knew.
By my forties?
I’d discarded the concept as irrelevant; maintenance had to do with hot water heaters, air conditioning systems, or rotating tires.
When I was newly single I still didn’t concern myself with maintenance. I assessed my assets: agreeable smile, acceptable figure, fabulous footwear (natch), along with strong relationship skills – communication, empathy, and yes, flirtation. I was good at those then; I’m good at them now.
But recently, in updating my dating and mating mantra, I’m posing new questions and considering different dimensions.
Am I still likable? Am I still lovable? And what if I’m not easy to love?
Aging, Dating, and Loving
I smile ruefully when I hear people muse on “growing old together.” It sounds romantic, especially if gray hair and wrinkles are a decade or more in the future.
But let me set the record straight. There’s nothing remotely romantic about aging. Sure, we can pull out the Wisdom Card (along with AARP), the Perspective Panacea (after our nap), and Motrin at the ready for any and all aches and pains. But there’s hair where we don’t want it, its absence where we do, the spreading here, drooping there, and less resilience when bouncing back from almost everything.
Facing ourselves in the mirror – or the tennis court, or the bedroom – is not the stuff of fantasy fodder.
Which brings me back to feminine maintenance – the importance of taking the time for healthy habits and anything else that keeps us feeling like, well… us.
For me it’s writing. For you it may be music. For all of us of a certain age, it likely includes vitamins and a few medications – not to mention getting out of our heads and gleefully – back in our beds!
Aging and Accommodating Men (and Their Aging)
There’s another reality in store to do with the masculine side of the equation. May I remind you of those pesky SSRIs and sexual performance? High blood pressure? High cholesterol?
Not to worry – all of these can be managed if you’re lucky. A little med modification. Low sodium meals. Flax seed and fish oil.
But what about high expectations when it comes to female companionship?
That’s a tougher sell in a buyer’s market. We know that older men can get younger women – and do. It’s a matter of demographics, cultural acceptance, and bank. But occasionally, we “regular people” run into other “regular people” who concern themselves with likability and lovability.
Not perfection. Not a checklist. Not Arm Candy.
Yet here’s what I am discovering – sheepishly, brazenly, uncomfortably. There are good men out there – smart, sexy, funny, compassionate. And even age-appropriate.
But what about me? Am I still a good woman?
Likable, Lovable, and Pacing Yourself
Likable?
I’ve got that down. It’s about performance and pacing, doing your homework and applying its lessons.
Lovable?
I know that I’m lovable; I am giving, affectionate, and some of the time – fun.
But easy to love?
That’s another story. Once, perhaps. But life has changed me. I’ve changed me. The stresses of the life I lead have surely altered the way I see the world. And I know myself to be contradictory, complicated, and in need of a certain amount of solitude – an absolute must for a writer.
I’m a nice woman looking for a “nice guy. But I also hold high standards when it comes to character, curiosity, playfulness, and honor – in men certainly, or anyone I might ultimately trust. I doubt I’m easy to love for most; but I may be easy to love for one.
What about you? Are you easy to love?
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Easy to love? I don’t know how to quantify that! I do think taking care of ourselves and knowing what we need and where our boundaries truly are make us easier to love. If that other is willing to accept us, our true selves. And if we accept him (or her).
Here’s to what lies ahead! (You deserve a few of those steamy dreams coming true.)
Steamy dreams? Yes!!!
You go girl!
Beautiful shoes and lingerie really do deserve a dusting off now and then… 😉
What fun for you, BLW! I’m so happy to hear that you’ve been getting out and about, enjoying both yourself and your company. I have no doubts that you are plenty easy to love!
🙂 Actually, I think I’m easy for kids to love, and maybe friends.
Adult men? I’m definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. But then, nor do I choose to be. And maybe that’s a good lesson for all of us at any age. We aren’t commodity products – even if online dating might make us feel like it!
You are so open and brave. I admire you for that. Thanks for sharing. Good questions to ask ourselves as we venture into the dating scene. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.
Best of luck
Jack
Thanks, Jack.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
Sounds like you are having some fun BLW! Thanks for opening up and sharing your truth.
A little bit of fun now and then goes a long way! (And lets me pull out my favorite shoes… )
Hooray for you! There is life beyond children and exhaustion (and the exhaustion of children)! Here’s to a wonderful journey, wherever it leads.
Easy to love? When you find the right person, you’ll find that it’s not about easy, it’s about love.
Ah, Paul. If only it were that simple. But I love the sentiment!
And SF – Nice to hear from you!
Go, BLW, go! As for me, I think I’m easy to love at first and hard to love in the long run. After a while, I take too much for granted and expect too much. Luckily, my partner knows this (and knows when to kindly suggest that my attitude needs an adjustment). Of course I don’t take his suggestion until I’ve fumed over it for at least three days, but ultimately, he helps me be a better me.
And I must ask, have any of these men been worthy of second dates? Or third??
What an interesting response, Stacia. Easy in the short run, and harder in the long run. How lovely that he helps you to be a better you.
As for your question, may I just say… 🙂
Who ever said that it was simple to find the right person? Therin lies the rub. I was on the hunt for years (off and on, actually), waging what might be considered a major and focused campaign. I met some wonderfully nice women, but you can’t let yourself get too distracted by “nice” (not always easy to do, especially when you get in a comfort zone). At one point I was doing a national search (even a great story about meeting a woman at the base of Lord Nelson in Trafalgar Square, having never seen her picture) and did a lot of preparation and screening by very deep telephone conversations (get beyond this fool computer). No doubt, that got tiring (although very educational), and I lucked out to find Fran right here at home. But how much was luck and how much was preparation? Chance favors the prepared mind.
You’re right Paul. Nothing simple about it! I think maximizing the opportunities helps (your “preparedness” perhaps). And to me, that means saying “yes” to as many people as possible in order to get to know them, “yes” to opportunities to be out in the world, and “yes” to tossing away the checklists we so foolishly follow when we are younger.
Finding good people to meet isn’t like shopping for a shiny new car, or even a gently pre-owned version.
But it sounds like you and Fran hit the jackpot – with each other!
Pleased to hear you’re getting out and about. I think having someone to love is important to a contented life. Was it the Happiness Project lady – Gretchen – who posted that we all need friends and an intimate other to avoid loneliness? I know that when it came down to being single it wasn’t being loved but having someone to love that drove me to find someone, in spite of the complications and all. Am I easy to love? You don’t ask hard questions do you? I think yes, probably, because so many men have done – not bragging there, just noticing I’ve always had a man if I wanted one. Easy to live with might be another matter. I’m increasingly selfish as I get older; I don’t do things I don’t want to do if I don’t have to do them. I hope I’m fair and reasonable. I try consciously to be so and to respond to any of Bill’s more reasonable complaints (he’s increasingly grumpy and he knows it). Fingers crossed, you’ll find someone who suits you. Barring that, I hope you enjoy the dating for itself!
Hard questions? I love hard questions, Shelly. That keeps us young!
As for grumpy, that’s hard. I know I’m grumpy when I don’t feel well, or I’m not happy with myself.
First of all, go you!! I am so pleased that you are taking this step. but I have to say, I’m certain you are loveable. I also have to say, you forget to mention one thing, in theory the men you are dating are aging too, so they face the same insecurities I’m certain. So why not embrace that aging is a wonderful thing, and think of all the maturity you bring to the relationship. 🙂
Christine – I love your attitude!
Unfortunately, reality bears out the fact that men can – and do – date 10 to 20 years younger, typically without a problem. A 50-something woman’s likelihood of finding a man within 5 years of her own age?
Small.
A 50-something woman’s feeling that she can compete with women 10+ years younger in the dating pool? In the U.S.?
Small.
That leaves a 50-year old to become the caretaker of a 65 or 70-year old man. Not all the time, but often – in the online world, anyway – those are the only men who will talk to you, depending upon your geographic location.
Embracing age? Aging as a wonderful thing? I think we should embrace each day as best we can. But again, the reality of aging is very different from the PR on the subject. That said – I believe our real hope for the future may lie in certain ways of the past – inter-generational communities. And yes, I’m having a little fun. I find that laughter is great medicine – at every age.
It was not until I quit caring if I found someone that I met my Hub. And I was no longer a spring chicken; I was mature and at that 50s time. Am I easy to love? I think so. Easy to live with? Not so much, I suspect. After too many relationships where I tried to be what I thought “he” wanted, I quit. Result? I’m not nearly so accommodating now. But then again, he’s not either. But it works out and we’re happy.
“That leaves a 50-year old to become the caretaker of a 65 or 70-year old man. Not all the time, but often…” This can be a significant and complex issue. Another line from my quirky post that Fran responded to: “Age irrelevant, if you can keep up with me.” But Fran and I can’t expect to be healthy forever (rain all this week, so we cancelled our backpacking plans). When Fran and I discussed aging and the future, she directed me to a various sites focused on handicapped camping in state parks. Hate to think about it, but YES!
In practice, I always stayed within a 5-10 year range of my own age. Any greater difference than that was noticeable in our different cultural experiences. One dear woman was eight years my senior (a great hiker, but with differences). Of course, the fact that she was a southerner and an only child may have entered in, too.
It’s interesting though, Paul. You say: I always stayed within a 5-10 year range of my own age.
You imply that is both older and younger. (I think you’re unusual in dating older women – as a man who isn’t 28 dating a 32-year old, for example.) But turning things around, note that a woman who dates 5 to 10 years younger is given a derogatory term (cougar), and it is expected that the relationship is purely sexual and doomed to be short-lived. Again, I am speaking in generalities, but generally I believe this is true.
Just the way it is? Probably. But I applaud anyone – man or woman – who takes the time to see the person they’re dating, and be seen. I believe that profound feelings grow from common value systems and truly knowing (and trusting) the person you’re with. Imperfections and disagreements and all. That may be someone who is 10 years older. It may be someone who is 10 years younger.
We might well have been cut from the same cloth… “life has changed me. I’ve changed me. The stresses of the life I lead have surely altered the way I see the world. And I know myself to be contradictory, complicated, and in need of a certain amount of solitude…” 😉