We all know how certain dates, music, and aromas may trigger memories. Likewise, particular topics of conversation may elicit not only memories, but strong emotions. So what happens when innocent words catch you off-guard and trigger an emotional flare-up?
Running an errand this morning, I found myself chatting with a man I’ve known casually for years. We exchanged the usual hellos at his place of business, and in asking a simple question, he inadvertently hit one of my hot buttons. And a painful one, at that.
I could feel myself growing anxious and agitated. I needed to back away from the ledge so to speak, and not embarrass myself.
But what had just happened? And how could I prevent a potentially toxic spill?
According to an article on emotions and decision-making in Psychology Today:
When an emotion is triggered in your brain, your nervous systems responds by creating feelings in your body (what many people refer to as a “gut feeling”) and certain thoughts in your mind…
You can be disrupted by your anxiety or you can take a look at it: Does the other person remind your emotional brain of someone in the past who took advantage of you? Is this person doing the same thing or is it just a particular mannerism he has that triggered your anxious response? Is your anxious response a reaction to the other person or to yourself…
Negative Triggers
Everyone has their issues to deal with – the legacy of trying times and less than ideal circumstances. As for me, I know what sets me off and why. Some of my triggers trace back to childhood. Others have to do with the complexities of post-divorce life.
In some instances, I navigate around the issues. Sometimes there’s nothing to do but experience the emotions – sadness being one of them, on the occasion of an anniversary of loss.
Anger and irritation are more troublesome, as was the case for me this morning. But I quickly saw that I wasn’t reacting to the person I was talking to. Rather, what he said triggered a response that had absolutely nothing to do with him.
Surround Sound
We all have noise in our heads – the scolding, diminishing voices of parents, teachers, bosses, spouses, co-workers – and yes, even our own kids who sometimes say spiteful things they later apologize for. Some days it seems as though we carry a chorus of naysayers singing their tune in surround sound.
When I’m tired, I’m more vulnerable to negative triggers – a gesture, a tone of voice, a random remark – any of which may set me off – inappropriately.
But over the years, I’ve learned to see what’s happening.I’ve learned to counteract the effects through surround sound of a different sort – positive voices I try to draw out, to listen to, not to mention telling myself to stop, breathe, and literally – to change the conversation.
Positive Triggers
When I felt myself approaching the danger zone in this morning’s conversation, I called on mechanisms that work for me: I visualized the brilliant blue of the sky as I walked from my car to the store, I conjured the warmth of the spring sunshine on my shoulders, and I told myself “It’s a gorgeous day, take a breath, everything is fine.”
This calming technique doesn’t always do the trick, but more often than not, it does. I offset the negative triggers with positive ones. I nudge myself into a better emotional space.
As for this morning, I regained my composure, maneuvered the discussion in another direction, and bid the store owner a wonderful day.
- What do you do when someone inadvertently sets you off?
- Do you know what triggers negative emotions?
- How effectively do you manage misplaced anger?
- Do you and your spouse push each others’ hot buttons?
- Do you conjure positive triggers when you’re in a so-so mood?
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Great article! I too suffer from reactions to triggers. I try to have awareness that it’s a past event/memory that is causing the emotion. Sometimes, I don’t even realize it until long after.
I’m also working on re-triggering these thought patterns in my mind. It’s amazing the physiological effect of something that happened so long ago.
I agree with you, T – the power of those physical responses is sometimes astonishing. Still potent, years later.
Great thoughts. Most of my memory triggers are the positive ones. I am most generally not an angry person. Although my divorce was tough and lingers with the kids. It is still the positives of the past, present and future I most focus on.
Feelings of hurt I try to push past, much like you, focus on the positives in the same relationship that caused the angry feelings.
On a side note: There is a scent from my childhood, some soaps given to me as a toddler, I can still smell the scent through the recesses of my mind. I do not know why but I search soaps for the same scent to this day. 🙂
Interesting that you raise the issue of scents from childhood, NAS. I find that the sense of smell evokes memories almost more strongly than anything else, for me. And they’re always good memories. (Any idea what that soap fragrance might be, or the brand?)
I am very aware of some of my triggers but not often knowledgeable on how to turn it around. I usually just try to bite my tongue but often that is unsuccessful. I’ve recently had a bit more motivation to improve myself as a person and I’m pleased to see that even a little effort can have a big impact. Maybe it’s not so difficult after all.
I’m not sure if there are words that do it for me, but there are certainly people. And no matter how hard I try I can’t move past it when I’m with them. There is one person in my life right now, she’s been an influence for a long time, and it’s starting to turn toxic, but it’s a situation I can’t easily get out of. I expect her influence will leave a lasting impression and will invoke triggers for many years to come.
I know my triggers and I realize when it is going to happen. However, I haven’t gotten any better at dealing with my reaction to them. I believe certain things are meant to unearth you. For me, it makes me reflect, remember and perhaps, eventually, learn.
Someone said to me years ago, “It’s all abandonment.”
What he meant was when you follow the triggers down, that’s what you find at the root. I think he’s mostly right.
It sounds right to me, too, Wolf. For a great deal.