Men and women. We’re so different. Women and women – biologically less so, yet in terms of character, nature, personality – I believe our differences are as broad and deep as those that separate the genders.
I was looking over my musing of a few months back on the topic of what makes men tick. The discussion that followed was illuminating; whether or not I have any answers to my questions isn’t as important as the conversation.
The exchange was eye-opening.
One of the comments came from Kate, a lovely woman who is younger than myself and with a younger family. She mentions that her husband is the one who is clear in articulating his feelings, rather than the other way around.
And as Kate explains, he has no need for her to prove an emotion, he simply accepts whatever she feels. He has said to her (paraphrased):
To feel something makes it real.
So what do you think? If you feel it, is it real?
Do feelings have heft? Should we stop trying to fight them or even explain them, and allow them to coexist peacefully with more measurable aspects of “reality?” Head and heart, hand in hand?
I feel, therefore I am
Oh, I’m not planning on going existential on you, truly. But my academic past flutters through my morning brain with an originating phrase – I think, therefore I am (Descartes) – followed by a nifty assortment of variations on a theme:
- I feel, therefore I am
- I act, therefore I am
- I dream, therefore I am
- I write, therefore I am
Each of these would describe me and define me; I imagine the list is longer, but certainly, the emotional realm is high on that list, no doubt neck-and-neck with thinking.
Which one takes precedence, for me? It depends on the day, the mood, and the circumstance.
Defining ourselves by feelings, and more
Who doesn’t struggle with the delicate process of picking through feelings, especially when they’re new or complicated, and when there are implications and ripple effects that may not be minor? How much harder is it when the feelings are negative – dislike, distrust, anger, and grief?
Do we give equal play to the positive and negative feelings alike? Or do we judge, based on social convention, and try to dismiss those which we feel somehow, we ought not to feel?
When I’m feeling blue, when I’m feeling stressed, when I’m worried, I recognize the damaging impacts, while knowing that I feel what I feel, and I’m better off letting the emotions run their course. I try to hide the feelings from my sons, but they sense when something is off, and generally leave me to my own emotional processes, knowing I will speak when necessary.
I also see the health effects of negative emotions – poor sleep, more aches and pains, less appetite and without question, less energy.
And positive emotions? The joy when a child has a win? The relief when a serious situation is remedied? The thrill when a friend tastes success? The high that comes from falling in love? Who doesn’t feel lightened, brightened, rejuvenated and hopeful when uplifting emotions are given their day?
Love, hate, and everything else
Some say love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I would debate that point. Some say that those who have split up and feel hatred toward their former mates must actually continue to feel love. I disagree.
But I would submit that both love and hate drive us to extraordinary lengths – to heroic acts, and despicable ones. So if these emotions, these feelings – however long they last – power our action engines, aren’t they at least as real as the homes we construct, the machines we build, the words we string together into meaningful communication?
In the past 10 years, I have felt love and hate. Fortunately, I have found that love lasts longer, and is easier to sustain.
These days, my personal interiors would be painted every color of the rainbow – and then some. There are plenty of neutrals and charcoal greys – times I put myself on automatic to persevere with challenging tasks, or in a controlled state, saying nothing in response to a stressed out teen who is expressing his frustration. I am finding strength in new people (brilliant hues!) and unfamiliar (or long forgotten) sensations – the renewal that comes when you allow others into your world, and your trust is not misplaced.
There have been moments of despair over finances, relief over a possible solution, and very recently, a jubilant piece of news which I am still trying to absorb. At the moment, I’m feeling it all – the good, the bad, the frightening, the exhilarating.
I am accepting these feelings in myself, and hoping that – like Kate – I may eventually find a partner who will accept this capacity for feeling in me. Not only as real, but as an asset.
- Do you speak your feelings?
- Is it easier to express certain ones, for example love versus anger?
- Do you consider emotional depth and breadth to be an advantage?
- When it comes to feelings, do you prefer “show, don’t tell?”
- What takes precedence for you – thought, feeling, action – or something else?
It’s been said that the opposite of love is hate. But I don’t think that’s true. I believe the opposite of love is indifference. Love and hate are powerful emotions. One is not good and the other bad, depending on the situation. Both stem from passion and passion is what drives motivation for action. Indifference on the other hand is an emotional void. We are created to be emotional creatures. Both heart and head must coexist in one psyche. The trick is to not let one or the other dominate. The secret to all types of health is balance. Should one speak from pure emotion without filters? Absolutely not. Should one always suppress emotions and put on the mask of “everything is great”? That’s certainly not healthy either. Lucky the person and partner who realize that showing emotion is not necessarily a character flaw. It’s the difference in living life in technicolor rather than monochromatic tones.
I’m with Lisa about indifference being antithetical to love and hate; non-connection (or at least lack of conscious awareness of connection) allows one to behave toward the “other” be it ex-lover or “enemy” from a reptilian level of kill or be killed (hurt or run away, but survive at all costs, even the cost of love and connection and all that makes life truly magical).
As for think or feel therefore we are, I tend to back into the quicksand with: we are (meaning, we participate in some sort of consciousness that defies definition, see “Tao”) therefore that consciousness manifests in matter, the brain, and life, by which we experience thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories intuitions, create language and myths.
The tricky part is that we cannot, by way of our instrument panels (thinking, feeling, etc.) grasp the original nature of that which allowed the chicken/egg question to arise. Better to find no-mind and go with the flow from the source of the question… and once thoroughly confused, go back to connecting, loving and being.
Thinking and feeling All Good Wishes.
I sometimes feel (and think) a bit as though I’m at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party, when reading your responses. But it feels rather good (and I dispense with the thinking)… 🙂 Especially in favor of the connecting, loving, and being – even through our confusion.
Find no-mind. I like that.
Feelings are tricky. I’m an INTP, rare for a woman, and have found that “doing” feelings can be complicated. The problems arise when there is no in between, I either feel too much or too little. I try to find some middle ground.