I admit I’m pondering change at the moment – achievable change. But who doesn’t drift to the land of “what if” now and then? What if you had a do-over? Something that you actually did – or didn’t do – that impacts you and your life?
Maybe it’s personal – something to do with a relationship. Maybe it’s professional – the idea you wish you had taken to market, that remark you made to your boss that you’d love to take back. Maybe it’s as simple as never having said I love you, or having said it too soon – or too late.
Who doesn’t have regrets? Who wouldn’t want a do-over – in some aspect of their life?
Regrets
We all second-guess, and we all know that hindsight is 20-20. But what if you had a second chance at something, now, even without knowledge of the ripple effects? Would you consider a do-over?
We all know about the Butterfly Effect – the theory that the tiniest event in one corner of the universe can result in a chain of events beyond imagining. But let’s play this one for a little bit, shall we? And the rules of this hypothetical – the do-over needs to be something within your control, not beyond it.
Reality check
Though I realize I didn’t pay attention to signs in my relationship before marriage – and I should have – I do not regret my marriage. From that union came two sons who would not be the young men they are today if not for the combination of both their parents.
But I regret the handling of my divorce, in many ways. The old “if I knew then what I know now” certainly comes into play, and any do-overs I could magically exercise in that arena have to do with the details of terminating my marriage, not the decision to enter into it.
And if you had a few do-overs – one personal, one professional, and one of any other sort, what might they be?
Personal
For myself, other than the mention above, I think of people I’ve loved. Some – at the wrong time or the wrong place. Yet from each of those encounters, I’ve learned something, and have no regrets.
The do-overs that I consider involve others – their personalities or character, their actions or reactions. And as I take the time to think them through, I find myself unable to imagine that my behavior would have changed anything. That in itself – that realization – is freeing. My actions, my words, my inaction – would not have changed the ultimate result.
A personal do-over? I’ll leave it at something generalized: to say I love you more often, to those who are dearest to me.
Professional
Professionally? Oh, I once had an offer in Paris that I think about now and then. It came long before marriage and children.
But the one that comes to mind is more recent, only a few years old, and has to do with writing. There were timing issues, logistical complications, and priorities I had to manage. Money would’ve been a problem as well, so I chose in the way I had to – in order to fulfill my parental responsibilities.
But if I had a do-over, I might go for it. Taking the risk, and pouring all my determination and skill into making that venture successful.
Wild card
About a week ago I had a pressing deadline for my son. I was rushing through the morning before he woke, number crunching and filling out forms. We drove to school as usual, and on the way home, I knew I would make the deadline – just – as long as Murphy’s Law didn’t kick in.
As I was meandering through an elegant neighborhood of back roads, I saw an older woman walking – slowly. She was carrying a sort of tote bag. I guessed she was a service provider of some sort – headed to one of the large homes, or possibly headed to a bus stop. I had no idea where she was going, and I wanted to stop and offer her a ride.
I didn’t.
The reason? I was afraid of being pulled into a long drive or some other complication. I was afraid of being late, and missing that critical deadline. But it still bothers me. And I’ve had my eye out for her since, each morning, as I drive back from the high school. If I had a do-over, I would stop, offer that ride, and hope for the best.
Second chances? Wishful thinking? Life Skills?
I like to think that by reflecting on what I’ve done – or left undone – I gain skills in emotional intelligence, in communication, in my ability to assess a situation. I also learn not to beat myself up over mistakes, but consider how I can improve. I believe we create the future each and every day. A friend said that to me recently. And she is right.
Examining the past – even a bit of wishful thinking – it’s part of the process. For me.
- Do you ever wish for do-overs? So you might learn, and do better in the future?
- If you had do-overs – personal, professional, and a wild card – what might they be?
I ponder these questions in my quiet moments. Once upon a time I had an opportunity to pursue a more academic graduate degree, one that would focus more on the arts. Instead, I took the more practical route and decided to go to law school. I’ve gained many insights about myself and the world through practicing law, but I do wonder the road less taken. What if? What if I had taken steps to walk toward the artistic pathway? Where would I be? I’m afraid wallowing too much in the what if’s plunder the life I have now. I am content in believing there is a reason for things happening the way they do. Sometimes it takes a lot longer in finding out what that reason might be.
It’s funny how we take a certain road – sometimes for practicality. There’s always an echo of what if, and then most of us look at the good things we have, and focus on the. I sometimes wonder if we have manufactured our tendency to believe there is ‘a reason for everything’ as a way of finding a measure of peace in an otherwise tumultuous world.
Given that we didn’t get married until I was 8 months pregnant with our second child, I can say that regretting the marriage doesn’t mean I regret the children! But I do regret the legal liability of signing that marriage certificate, and I still get scared of unknown numbers on caller id, wondering what financial damage there might still be to come from making that commitment to my ex.
I do wish for do-overs once in a while. The biggest was a career decision about 15 years ago. I went with the job that was local, and close to where my ex husband was working then. I chose the option that was also ‘available’ in our area in order to help support our young family.
I often think I would be happier in another career altogether.
I did have the do over wish to tell those i love how I feel more often and have actually made that change in my life about 5 years ago.
But then, if I had some of the do-overs that I wish for, I just may have missed out on all those great moments I did encounter along the rockier road.
@NAS – A career do-over. Especially in this tough economy, it’s hard not to think about that.
@Lisa – So close! 12 hours! Hindsight is 20-20, right?
Funny how no one has mentioned money yet. . . “I’d like a do-over on the timing of selling my home” or “I’d like a do-over on buying that stock (or selling it).”
A professional do-over would take me back to 1980 when I was graduating college. With a degree already in hand, I was only 12 hours and a semester of student teaching away from a lifetime teaching certificate. Lifetime certificate. And I walked. Big do-over. For a personal one, I’d have to say I would have made some changes in how I raised my kids. While at the time I thought my decisions were best, I now see areas where I should have pushed harder…and areas where I shouldn’t have pushed at all.
But then again, a do-over in any area of my life would change my today. And I’m not so sure the circumstances in my past weren’t exactly what I needed. I know that sounds like a cop out, but I believe everything happens for a reason. And many times, I’m not privy to what that reason is until much later.
The only area of my life I’d do-over would be college. I had the grades to get into a good university, and probably could’ve rustled up some scholarship money, but had no self-confidence or understanding of the system. I just assumed I couldn’t afford a top-notch education, and settled for state college with a major I had little real interest in. I would’ve been more assertive in seeking out resources, and not listening to my brain-dead high school guidance counsellor who was of no help whatsoever.
I just recently weaned myself from stories where the one wish never turns out to be or do what you would wish. So I find myself hard-pressed to ID any of my hard earned mistakes that I wish I’d handled better.
I’m guessing there are other people who would make suggestions on my behest, but that’s their cross to bear. ;O)
I’ve often thought about writing a post on this issue, the what ifs of my past that seem so important in retrospect. If I could go back I’d make some changes: I would stick with my original plan to become a teacher, I wouldn’t have built the first house we built, I probably would have had my children a bit younger (and I didn’t have them all that old). But what I recognize now is that I would change those things because of what I know now and so the point is moot. As we learn, change and grow, of course our perspectives changes, but sometimes we just have to remember that we probably did the best we could with what we had at the time. That’s a huge leap of faith for me.
Much wisdom here, Christine.
Some of your recent posts have been about making changes and information sharing – this comment may relate to the set of posts. I think about changes I want to make in the future. There are things I’ve done in the past that weren’t too bright, but I don’t think about them with any particular regrets. What’s past is past; hopefully we learn something from it all. I sometimes think I’d like to regain the brain power that I had 40 years ago without losing the wisdom I’ve gained in those 40 years. But things don’t work that way, and it would be weird anyhow, so it’s pointless to consider. I sometimes wish I had been able to treat a particular person better, but the situation made it better not to do so. So what do you do? That single regret isn’t even a regret…it’s a statement of still not knowing what would have been the right thing, and for that one I suspect I will never know.
One evening I sat down in the park with my best friend and we had one of those long, soul searching conversations, very satisfying. The sun had gone down we began walking home in the dark. I said, “There’s so many things I wish I could go back and do right.”
“We’re doing it right now,” he said.