This just in:
Authorities responded to a 911 call about a tiny woman seen floating downstream in a flooding area of a small suburban neighborhood.
Diminutive in stature, the woman was actually flailing on her back, in a dazed condition, buoyed by rising waters. She appeared to be suffering some signs of exposure, and was muttering “CSS” and “Blue Mountain.”
After several agitated hours in police custody, the unidentified woman was taken to the local hospital. During that time, she was recorded repeating key phrases that lead officials to conclude that she has undergone some sort of psychological or physical trauma. Investigators are canvasing the neighborhood, and one resident thought she looked familiar, and believes there is an adolescent child.
The woman is also thought to associate with teenagers, which has some speculating about drugs and dirty deeds, and others, about a breakdown in mental capacity. An anonymous tip suggested that brain damage has been sustained due to the complexity of mandated financial aid forms, yet to be completed for her teenage son.
Just released, 9:30 Eastern:
The water-logged subject appears to be in her late 40s, has dark hair and dark eyes, and along with muttering “CSS” and “Blue Mountain,” she is repeating “right eye,” “left brain,” “bougainvillea,” and “37b.” She was originally found clutching wet pages from some sort of documents, but they cannot be made out at this time.
Hospital spokeswoman Ima Wolf informed the media that the only time she focused, briefly, was when a fresh pot of coffee was brewed at the nurses station, and an orderly spiked the volume on his iPod. When asked, the orderly indicated that he was listening to Jimmy Cliff.
An etymologist, a geologist, a neurologist, a child psychologist, a horticulturalist, a musicologist – and a CPA – have all been called in to provide additional insight.
Now listless, the woman is no longer speaking. Her fingers, however, are constantly moving, as if over a keyboard. Officials believe she is a pianist or data entry clerk. Contact local authorities with any information pertaining to the identity of this woman or the whereabouts of teenage offspring.
© D A Wolf