A recent musing on the pleasures of receiving flowers took an interesting turn. Straight into the Romance Department. How much we seem to miss it, and how little we seem to encounter it.
Sex? We can find that. Friends with benefits? That, too.
But romance? What is it, exactly? Why does it seem so elusive?
Romance, wherefore art thou?
Are our expectations skewed? Is it unrealistic to anticipate romantic gestures in our harried, crazy stressful lives when we have so many other things to worry about?
Have men discarded the notion that women want it? Or do they no longer believe that romance is required – or worse – that it matters?
Romance… without love
What do you picture when you hear the word romance? Is love always involved? Do you imagine postcard versions of reality, complete with visions of yourself stepping into scenes of candlelight and champagne? Are you starring in your own scenes, strolling hand-in-hand along the beach at sunset? Do you require Venetian canals or do you prefer mountain vistas?
Maybe romance is as simple – and deceptive – as roses delivered at the door. Or even a kind word or a smile – at just the right moment.
- Is romance an indication of love or that it’s brewing?
- Do you assume it will lead to marriage? Does it bring us closer, or is it a smoke screen? A false god?
- Can it be enjoyed without assumptions – a simmering sign of affection that needs no Cupid’s arrow in the mix?
Defining Romance
According to Random House Dictionary (on Dictionary.com), romantic means:
. . . displaying or expressing love or strong affection; ardent, passionate, fervent; fanciful, impractical, unrealistic (as in ideas); characterized by a preoccupation with love or by the idealizing of love or one’s beloved.
Now there’s conflicting information for you. Love? Yes. And idealism, along with the glossing over of reality which is implied. Passion? We’ve got that as well. And a notion that romance is inherently impractical.
Or is it sustaining romance that is impractical?
Love without romance
How many of us have loved – or still do – men and women who don’t have a romantic bone in their bodies? They have good hearts, a clear understanding of what it is to partner with another person, and they remain loyal, caring, and even passionate in a relationship. We love them for who we see (and wish to see); we love them for how they are with us (on good days and bad); we love them with or without romance – though we wouldn’t mind a tiny display of that something special, even now and then.
Can love without romance work?
We know it can.
So why do we miss the romance when it’s gone? Why do we long for it, if we never had it?
Sex – and then what?
Have you ever had a steamy relationship that had little to do with love, and everything to do with adventure and eroticism? What about an affair that involves human connection when you needed it, or simply good sex?
Romance? We might enjoy its spin around the dance floor, but we know we can blossom even without it.
- If it’s sex without love, are we less likely to crave the romantic?
- If passion can stand alone, does it require other gestures?
- If we have great sex with a little romance thrown in, do we mistake it for love?
- Does it add to our confusion between sex and lovemaking?
Must marriage mean the death of romance?
For more than 10 years, I got up early, made my coffee, began work, and dealt with children. If my husband was in town, I brewed his coffee just before the hour he preferred to rise. I added milk the way he liked it, set the cup by his side of the bed, then woke him gently.
Every morning he was there.
I recall my older son making me a cup of coffee in the morning a few times. He was eight or nine. But not my husband. Never my husband.
Is time the enemy of romance? Or is it routine? Or boredom? Or fatigue?
Is marriage doomed to shed its romantic nooks and crannies – if they ever existed – as partnership becomes about the marital unit, as love changes shape, as priorities shift?
What do you consider romantic?
When love is long term, perhaps we settle into rhythms that we cease to question.
If you’re fortunate, flowers or love notes give way to extra sleep on the weekend because the baby’s been keeping you up. To taking the kids out so you can have an hour of quiet. To surprising you with a walk together through your favorite neighborhood. To bringing home pizza so there’s no need to cook. And a little more energy for making love.
Like any woman, I may be dazzled by flowers arriving unexpectedly, but I don’t need them. What I do need are signs that I am appreciated. Treasured. The occasional gesture.
Is that idealistic and unrealistic?
Real life, real romance
It’s easy to be romantically inclined when you’re on vacation, removed from the stresses of daily duties.
But in our real lives, our everyday mess and chaos, is it unrealistic to think that romance is around the next corner? Or in some unanticipated act from your spouse of twenty years?
I’ve known passion without romance (it’s certainly fulfilling), romance without passion (also viable), and something like marriage that was lacking in both departments, foreshadowing a lifestyle missing its music. Still, there were good moments, and other elements brought about its inevitable end.
Friendship? Respect? Values?
When it comes to love, three little words are never enough. They help, but they’re words. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they?
When it comes to love, I believe that friendship, respect, and common values provide the support system to sustain the partnership. But without passion or romance, even that may not be enough.
Romance may take a variety of forms; its presence is a reflection of feeling and appreciation. Its absence, a reflection of elements that bear examining.
If romance matters to you, however it is demonstrated, better to acknowledge it sooner rather than later. And if it’s on the wane, might we rekindle the spark by leading with our example?
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I think romance can take two forms: the grand gesture and the little gesture. And I think any relationship needs both kinds.
We need the surprise weekend getaway, replete with childcare, pet boarding, and the like already accounted for. Those big sweeping displays of affection can make our spouse feel special and fancy and wonderful. But the needle can’t drop to zero between the grand gestures. We also need someone to occasionally make our coffee, fold the laundry for us, or give a foot rub at the end of a long day. And we need to do these things in return as well. The little things are what make us feel valued and appreciated.
Romance is a moving target and more than anything it involves knowing your partner and what romance means to them.
“… more than anything it involves knowing your partner and what romance means to them.” You said a mouthful, Gale.
I don’t think marriage/long-term partnership is necessarily the end of romance even though you’re way past the prime wooing stages. I think it just morphs into something different, like what you had listed here – being allowed to sleep in while the other wakes up with the baby and waking up to the aroma of coffee these days are priceless.
I am a hopeless romantic and while I don’t live for flowers and poems created in my name, I crave the intimate bubble in which only the two of us reside. My Guy, however, is not like me, but he has learned enough about me to know the gestures that make me happy, and so he makes the effort. One of the reasons I left my last marriage was because my ex no longer made the effort. It became a friendship. And having sex with your friend, versus your lover, are two very different things.
I am not naive enough to think that we should always be walking on Cloud 9 because the realities of every day keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. But that’s what makes the occasional escape so special. So important.
I sometimes wonder if the “romantic” thing is like so many other elements of relationship, Justine. If the degree to which one believes it’s important is markedly different from the other’s belief, than you’ll have problems. If not, then no issue. Another one of those items in which compatibility / reciprocity is concerned?
I love these comments, and I’ll add that you have to keep your eyes open to the small kindnesses that show appreciation. It’s easy to be blind to the cup of coffee lovingly brewed. I think the best advice I got before getting married was, ” Remember to be nice to each other.” It sound foolish. Of course we’ll be nice. But, really, those moments of tiny kindness add up (and so does the lack of them).
I don’t think years of marriage or a long relationship necessarily means the end of romance. I am all about the little things. My husband has let me sleep in, taken our daughter to school, and brought home takeout. We also do dinners, movie and museum dates. It is certainly harder to do things that are defined as “romantic”, but we spend time together when we can. I believe that romance can simply be spending time in your spouse’s presence and sharing your time with him or her. And the occasional getaway, flowers and chocolate is a bonus.
I must think of romance as something bigger than just between lovers. Or maybe I think of lovers as something more than lovers as in sexual partners.
I am a romantic. I see through romantic lenses. So, to me romance abounds in life. That is because I offer romantic gestures everywhere I go. I hold open doors. I go OUT of my WAY to hold open doors. I do this because I just love people so dang much. And I get a little thrill when they walk through that door of mine.
And cups of coffee? I’ll make one for anyone any old time. But then, I’ve had plenty made for me as well. And I’ve been given kisses and I offer them with abundance.
What does this say about me? Hmmmmm. I’m not sure I want to know.
I think your last line says it all… A lot of the time when our relationships get too comfortable, the romance starts to die. The little gestures, the one-on-one time, the butt-grabbing (or flowers, or whatever) all seem to die. But what usually happens (in my house anyway) is we wait. Each of us wait for the other one to notice, to show love, to pay attention. Nothing happens and it gets worse. We start to feel like roommates instead of soulmates. We’re both very stubborn, but I’ve learned (as per Dr. Phil) that someone has to be The Hero. Step up and make the first move. The other person will follow right along. I am trying. My hubby’s birthday is coming up and I’ve booked a romantic dinner, a hotel suite complete with a fireplace and jaccuzi, and the kids will be overnight at my mom’s. I can’t wait. We NEED this time to focus on just the two of us. To be romantic.
Thanks for this post, BLW. Very interesting stuff!
Someone has to be The Hero.
That’s a potent reminder, Shannon.
I think I might have jumped the gun with my comment yesterday, but I’m definitely in the small gestures camp of romance. Most of the time. The ideal, I suppose, would be the small gestures punctuated with the occasional grand, sweeping gesture (the weekend away comes to mind).
The random acts of romance are about all we can muster right now, but I think those small acts are necessary to keep the pilot light lit.
I think we all have different interpretations of “romantic” at different times, and perhaps even with different people. Mustering those “small acts” as you say, Kristen – it’s a great deal when juggling the baby-little kid stage along with everything else.
And come to think of it – for me – being romanced with random acts of fine footwear was both funny and romantic. It showed a full (and humorous) appreciation of who I am, and what tickles my fancy. And I thought that was pretty grand.
Romance to me, is knowing your partner so well that you step in before them to do something they would like done for them. Or perhaps a surprise that you know will make them sigh and smile. Generic cards, flowers, even child care are not always enough. For the working girls, a spouse SHOULD take a turn at child rearing. But to know they like daisy’s or milk in their coffee.
Or even a touch at the right time. It is noticing their moods, their stress levels, happiness and acting accordingly.
i love that you made his coffee every morning and hate that he never thought to reciprocate.
I too was married to a non romantic, and a bit selfish man.
But that was not always the case when we were dating.
How do you know?
What is romance or romantic anyway? I married a man who really doesn’t have much of a romantic bone in his body, although when we were dating there were more of the standard attempts: flowers, dinners out at dimly lit restaurants, a weekend away now and then. The marriage set in. But I must confess to not being especially romantic either these days – now, the card he gets me for a birthday or anniversary, his agreeing we need a few days at the coast even though it’ll strain the budget, his giving in when I say I found this really pretty kitten I’d like to have, his suggestion that we have something easy for dinner, or his preparing dinner – those are the signs that he wants me to be happy, that he cares about what I want. And isn’t that romance?
“Signs that he wants me to be happy.”
How lovely, Carol. Isn’t this what we really want?
What We Want
What we want
is never simple.
We move among the things
we thought we wanted:
a face, a room, an open book
and these things bear our names–
now they want us.
But what we want appears
in dreams, wearing disguises.
We fall past,
holding out our arms
and in the morning
our arms ache.
We don’t remember the dream,
but the dream remembers us.
It is there all day
as an animal is there
under the table,
as the stars are there
even in full sun.
Linda Pastan
Thank you so much for this, NoName. It’s gorgeous.
Notasoccermom.
Me too; romantic before and then slipped away. Why is that? I am coming to grips with the deliberate mode or unconscious mapping of this strategy: find a person who is
loyal
care-giving
sensible
hard-working
flexible
good at solving problems
a link to many communities
and, then a few other factors like: from the country and a bit naive and also moderately serious Catholic in huge sprawling family of no divorce. So, I lived in tumbled, jumbled sharing confusing activity, WITHOUT expectations of being treasured singularly (happy and loving childhood but sturdy and adventurous, not eye-gazing intimacy). And, from a family culture and religious heritage not likely to divorce. One sib still says to me, “But, he didn’t hit you or drink. So, it cannot be abuse?” You know, many people think this. I appreciate the ones who at least reveal their position.
At one point my therapist said, “remember, at some point he used these qualities against you to ensure that he was always propped up, supported, considered, accommodated for, etc. He used those tethers against you; that it was subtle is even more powerful. It was always, always, always about him. The times it was about you, were really as the mother of his children.” Our first was born 15 months after our wedding. My keening in the car, in a parking lot after that appointment: my children, my sweet babies: not born into the dyad of two who adore each other mutually, and even in faults, restore and elevate each other and the relationship. We were not an “I and Thou.” He was not capable.
I am still coming to grips with the nothingness for me in that landscape. I was air supply, really.
Now, I am ignored, which is really weird: a kind of annihilation, really. But, clearly, I am the serf, servant, staff person to raise the last child. And, the barest minimum called for by law and not even that. Because, the calculation to secure the money or right this COSTS WAY MORE THAN ATTORNEY FEES, etc. And, delay of schedule, motion, hearing, etc….part of the attorney-system dance.
At least I have clarity on this, now.
Back to romance, though I miss this, I will also say, I am wary, so wary; I have my reasons. Oh to stay soft and fluid and trusting.
As painful as this is to read, dipping in and out of emotion and somehow matter-of-fact simultaneously, you’ve actually given us snippets of poetry, NoName – there is a sorrowful, lyrical awareness to your words, and you know many of us recognize their power.
We know the absence of expectations of being treasured singularly, coming to grips with the nothingness of that [marital] landscape, Now, I am ignored. . . a kind of annihilation, really.
And the wariness. Oh yes, the wariness.
Carol, I am so glad that you are “mattering” to him. That is “I-thou” and the most ordinary and enduring of human acts. At the end, do we not want to lie back either quickly or slowly into the arms of death, thinking or seeing that we mattered. Yes.
I am going to go against the grain and just be a bit of a realist (or pessimist, depending on how you take it) when it comes to defining romance. Romance is what you do to get the attention of someone you do not know or have been too busy to recognize in a while. It is a gesture that is lovely and special, but not the norm. My example: sex. After spending years in a relationship, should you only have sex when its romantic or the setting is just right? I think not. I think an orgasm a day can keep many troubles away, and most of the time the sex that leads to orgasm is not romance but a bit of chore. I do not always want to go for a run, sometimes the weather is awful, but I go, I come back, and I feel great. If I was always waiting for a sunny day where I live, I would only run 10 times a year. I think the same goes for sex. Sometimes you just have to do it. Unfortunately, I think people expect the movies in their love life or marriage, but life is not that grand. Mostly, life is the chores and routines. Being in relationship through a life time is not about romance, it’s about living, loving and sharing life (the chores) together. And if you are lucky that same person will also give you romance when you need it.
I liked thinking this through, great questions.
I love this: “an orgasm a day can keep many troubles away.” Excellent!
But I do find this remark interesting, Joely: Romance is what you do to get the attention of someone you do not know or have been too busy to recognize in a while. Do you really believe that?
Perhaps we should make a distinction between forced romance and that which is offered voluntarily? Thinking back on the gentleman who used to send me flowers regularly, I believe he did so because he saw how it delighted me, and he made a point to send those arrangements to my office during years in which 12-hour days were the norm. He knew the scent and colors would brighten my workday, with the added pleasure of sparking a thought of him.
The quality of our time together was wonderfully connective. The flowers were a bonus. So in that example, his voluntary and even natural inclination toward romantic gestures was part of who he was.
As for romantic sex versus sex, that’s a whole other discusssion! (And a juicy one at that.) As for “sometimes you just have to do it” – preferably – there’s someone around to do it with. . .
Your Valentine’s post sent me to this item about Romance. In the words of the song. “I’m a believer.” but likely not in the way it might be experienced by some others. The romantic first meeting between Fran and me occurred in a nighttime rain storm. We share romance in the woods under the stars. We do dress up occasionally. Romance is there, but does not have the same place as some years ago, because we have so much more of everything else now.
Then there is the romance of love lost, of hopeless love, where the word could never be spoken. For sheer romance, it doesn’t get better than that, where pain and sweetness are one.