Does your life hum along like a movie? Not mine. If it did, the script would have played out much differently thus far, assuming I were directing the characters and plot lines. Instead, we have my crazy life with highs and lows, the luminous presence of my sons, and the considerable weight of that responsibility.
Challenging times
When it comes to parenting, there are times of certainty. There are times for holding tight; times for letting go.
There are times we take our best shot, a tough call at best.
There are times we must allow our sons and daughters to make their own tough calls. We’re here to pick up the pieces if necessary, and if you’re anything like me – to kick ourselves black and blue, if things cause our children pain.
No handbook, no guarantees
How many millions of books are there on parenting? How many parenting ezines, sites, advice columns, magazines? And yes – blogs?
But we each live our own circumstances, the particulars of our capabilities and constraints, our lavish or modest lifestyles, our partners or lack thereof, our resources of all sorts. We apply the lessons of our childhood experience to the unique qualities of our children. We muddle through the long years of asking and listening, fighting and finessing, plunging in like a lioness, or sitting back, anxiously, and hoping for the best.
Lest you think. . .
Lest you think my teenager and I do not have our disagreements, let me set the record straight. We do. Frequently. They’re rarely disrespectful. They are painful – I feel hurt; he feels guilty. The flare-ups are generally brief, and apologies follow.
Lest you think I am too engaged in my son’s life, let me say that I sometimes wonder if I am. This morning my kid called my approach “constricting” as we argued over the weekend schedule. I understand why. But he also admits that he often needs my micro-management.
Lest you think I do not second guess myself, you’re wrong. Especially with my younger son, who remains more mysterious to me than his brother.
Trusting our teens
My 17-year old has exhibited increasing capacity to take on responsibility and handle it. I’m proud of him. There have been other instances where emotional courage has been required, and we’ve navigated that terrain with mixed results.
Lately, he’s had several tough calls to make, as have I. We’ve fought over some, negotiated over others, discussed calmly, and allowed for space to ruminate. These are not small issues. They are major decisions impacting his life, and in more ways than he realizes, impacting mine.
Just this week, my son made a very tough call with a great deal at stake. Each option, involving risk and trade-offs, the potential for scholarship money, but also – compromising his dreams. He decided to walk away from one possibility, in order to walk toward another. It was a brave choice.
Judgments – mixed bag
There have been other tough calls in recent weeks, for both of us. I’m less pleased with the process as well as the outcomes. More of the same awaits – today, tomorrow, next week, next month. I’m trying to accept that human error is inevitable, and that judgment calls will sometimes be wrong but are no less critical for the life lessons we gain.
Today, I’m raw. I’m worn through and battle weary. The constant cycle of ups and downs and seeking to maintain my cool – it comes with a price. I have accepted that this is how it will be with us for awhile. But I’m struggling. We’re both struggling.
I don’t know a parent who doesn’t struggle, who isn’t raw a lot more than we want to admit. There is no cookie cutter way to deal with teens and their needs and their wants. There is no cookie cutter way for teens to deal with parents. We all do the best we can and hope and pray we make it through and it – our best – was enough.
I have no advice, no words of wisdom. Just wanted you to know that I hear you. And that I’m rooting for you and your boys.
Justine and Nicki – thank you it. It is the daily grind of single/solo parenting, and teenagers doing what teenagers do. Good moves, not so good moves. It’s how we all learn, right? (And also the reason for parental gray hair.)
Oh my! You and I seem to live parallel lives these days. Powerful words but I understand completely what you are referring to here.
I too wonder if i micro-manage my kids too much, always have.
It seems that you are a wonderful mother and thus have raised wonderful young men.
Relax, they will turn out fine.
The frustration, of course, is when you (and your kid) see behavior that needs to be changed. And your kid even agrees he wants your assistance with it. Then you assist, and, well… kids will be kids.
Then again, my son made a very tough decision earlier this week that was gutsy and confident. I admire him for that. He’s really growing into the knowledge of who he is and what he wants. Independent, and focused.
(So are yours a roller coaster as well?)
BLW – thanks for the reminder that I need to color my hair again! 🙂
Nicki – Dark shoe polish. Just avoid the rain. Or carry a big umbrella.
Oh no! So you mean my battles with my just-turned-3-year-old are just the beginning?! Sigh.
I remember my dad once telling me that the key to being a good parent is to give your kid plenty of rope, just not enough to hang himself. Nice saying, but I’m already seeing that negotiating how much is too much and how much is not enough is no mean feat.
All my best wishes for smoother sailing in the coming weeks.
Kristen – surely you knew the cosmic parental purpose for toddlerhood is to prepare you for adolescence?
And the solo parenting is what makes things that much tougher. I’ve been a single parent and now, though I’m married again, I sometimes feel like a single parent with the amount of hours my husband works. But last weekend, he finally had a free Saturday and came to soccer with us. I couldn’t believe how much easier it was, just to go to soccer with two boys, with another adult to help pick up any slack. Parenting is tough. Parenting alone? Waaaaaaayyyy tougher! (Kudos to you, dear sweet BigLittleWolf!)
I was a single parent for many years and it’s a grueling, but yet rewarding, job. There’s a lot of second-guessing, hoping decisions made are going the right direction, frustration, feeling helpless, praying for wisdom and strength. And when they grow up into people you are proud of, you know it was all worth it. Until then, hope and pray for whatever guidance you can find.
Hindsight is always 20/20. I can look back now and reflect on the things we, as parents, did well. But there are things that seemed very right at the time where I would love to have a do-over. There were a few times when Entrepreneur and I disagreed on the discipline measures. That was rough as it was impossible to put out a united front. I agree with Jane, parenting is tough, and single parenting is even tougher and rougher. From what I’ve read, you sons are well on their way to being fine men.
I’m down at my sister’s now, en route to Houston, and am interestedly watching her parent her boys who are 12 and 13. Home from camping today, grouchy and tired, there was homework to do and not much initiative. I watched her struggle with their intransigence and finally send them off to their rooms after one smart mouthed comment too many. Not the first fight not the last. It never ends until they finally go out into the world. None of us escape it, we only get through it. Hang in there! 🙂
I have no gems of wisdom on raising a teenager. I do know that we all face our individual struggles. We make mistakes. We seek advice. We muddle through. I do know from your previous posts that you and your sons have an open dialogue and do communicate. That, I believe, no matter how old your children are, is key.
Thank you, Rudri. That communication is key, yes, even when it’s challenging.
I would not say my kids are on a roller coaster but definitely pause when they have ‘grown up’ decisions to make. And I find myself trying to pause and not intervene too much when they may make the wrong choices.. It is a hard line to help them become independent without making them MORE dependent.
“It is hard line to help them become independent without making them more dependent.”
You are so right.