Did you attend the Fletcher School of Diplomacy? No? How about the Parental School of Hard Knocks? The Dating School of Hard Knocks?
Any of these might serve as some assistance. You know – in those sticky situations when a friend needs to hear the truth. A hard truth. One that will hurt, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re backed into a corner and the only way out is to answer directly, hoping you find a way to do so without hurting your friend’s feelings. Or for that matter, burning bridges, or dramatically altering the shape of your relationship.
And to make matters worse, this isn’t about wearing the right dress, or acting in a certain manner in a social setting. It’s important. An issue of your friend’s long-term best interest.
Sound familiar? Run into this from time to time – not only in your personal life, but in your business life?
Sure, I have my own tips on dealing with situations like this one. But effective ways to tell hard truths may sound simple; executing on them doesn’t always go according to plan.
Here’s the deal.
Characters and plot
There’s me. Writer. Marketer. Not altogether clueless when it comes to contemporary art.
There’s him. Painter. Good heart. Plenty of talent.
He asks me to help with a coffee table book. There’s interest. His work is good. I’m reviewing a few things, tweaking here and there, floating ideas that will fly for his target audience.
So far, so good.
He wants to add sections of his own writing, sprinkled among essays, reviews, and quotes from art aficionados. His paintings are beautiful. But his writing?
Not so much.
The challenge
He asks me again to type up his writing and include it in the document we’re compiling. I’ve been deflecting this issue for weeks. He’s somewhere between a client and a friend. I like him, I want to help. So how do I tell him the truth in a way that will not hurt? How do I do it so our relationship remains intact?
If I leave the writing in, it’s a less than stellar reflection on him and a distraction to his beautiful artwork. I need to persuade him to eliminate it, or significantly edit it.
He keeps asking where his writing is. I’ve yet to include it in the pages I’ve edited for him.
He calls. He asks. I take a deep breath. I need to speak up.
Now.
The gist
“John,” I say slowly. (Name changed, obviously.) “We agreed that the images need to take center stage, right?”
“Right.”
“I’m concerned that if we include these writings it will diffuse the power of your paintings.”
“But these are words from my heart,” he says. “I want them included. And all my friends have read these things and love them.”
Okay. That was Strike One. I take another deep breath.
“Do you trust my judgment? You know I love your work, right?”
“Yes,” he says. “So?”
“So including these writings takes away from the power of the art itself. We already have essays and interviews included.”
What followed was 20 minutes of protestation, and John explaining his rationale as to why his writing – grammatical or not, Ivy-league or not – ouch! his words, not mine – should be included. And if the publisher wants to take it all out (he continues), then the publisher would.
He finishes with: “I’m telling you, my friends love this writing. It’s from my heart.”
Strike Two. And I really don’t want a Strike Three.
Tips for telling a friend the truth
My usual tips for telling a hard truth? To a friend, my children, or even myself?
- Couch the bad in the good
- Find the kindest words for the hard news
- Diplomacy, diplomacy, diplomacy
- Watch the eyes, the body language, and listen to the tone of voice
- Adjust accordingly.
- Repeat as needed.
But none of my “usual” was working.
Dammit, I think. Maybe I shouldn’t give a shit about any of this. It’s not my problem.
But it’s about someone I believe in. And it is my problem. If this proposal gets picked up – even by a local publisher, I get a (big) little byline (tra la) – as a contributing editor.
Then, it’s about my reputation. My professional reputation. My livelihood – not just his.
I have to try again. I have to reach him.
Professional reputation, on both sides
“John,” I begin again. “I think it’s great that your friends say they love what you wrote. They care about you. They don’t want to hurt your feelings. So I’m going to say what your friends don’t have the balls to tell you. You’re an amazing painter and a terrible writer. Those words belong in your journal, not this book.”
Silence.
I continue: “Ultimately it’s your decision, but I’m advising you to leave them out or edit significantly. I’m telling you because I believe in you, and to protect your long-term best interest.”
More silence.
“Just think about it,” I say.
“Okay,” he replies, sounding dejected.
Netting it out
Here I am, days later, still worried that I hurt his feelings. In fact I’m certain I hurt his feelings.
Was my need to tell the truth justified? Was it about him, his best interest, or me and my best interest?
We’ll speak again, and I suspect this isn’t resolved.
I wonder if I could have handled the situation better.
Any suggestions?
© D A Wolf
It sounds like you put it as nicely as possible, while still being firm enough for him to take you seriously. Most importantly, you stayed true to YOU. He probably is hurt a little, as the truth sometimes does hurt, but it sounds like you handled it really well.
Ugh.
Seriously I was asking myself this same question last week. How to do this? How to not hurt someone when you KNOW it’ll hurt?
Great advice. Thank you.
T and April – Thanks for commenting. It’s so hard, isn’t it? Whether it’s our kids, a friend, or even a stranger. So you try the circuitous route, but that doesn’t always work. You try to be more direct and that doesn’t work. Then there’s blunt. That’s painful. And you better be pretty sure you’re right if you’re going to be blunt, because there’s no question you risk the relationship when you do so. But it also means you care about the relationship, or you wouldn’t bother. Hopefully that message isn’t lost.
I keep thinking about the reality TV shows, and the way many of the women talk to each other. Horribly mean and hurtful things. Where do people learn that? I can’t imagine speaking in that manner. Different strokes, I guess.
No suggestions. I think you handled it very well. Ultimately, it’s up to him whether he chooses to believe it or not. Sometimes we do more harm than good when we say nice things too enthusiastically. But we all want our friends to feel good, to be happy. A vicious circle.
I don’t know what else you could’ve done or said. Subtle wasn’t doing it. I admire how you were unwilling to compromise his and your integrity as professionals. Quality control is so important in any project and geez, everyone who attempts to write needs a good editor! Maybe you could ask him if he’d rather be known for his beautiful paintings or for his terrible writing ;-)? I don’t see what else you can do other than wait and see if he comes around.
One of the challenges about being a writer-behind-the-scenes is that you have a “client,” and part of what you are trying to do is give the client what he or she wants. However, once you put your name on something, if you have a reputation of your own, the rules of the game change a bit. You need to make the client happy, but it’s not only his or her reputation, but yours, as a writer (or provider of any other sort of service, for that matter).
I recall years ago, when I first starting writing for artists – a particular painter wanted a long catalog essay. He was also a poet. And very opinionated. He wanted me to address certain topics, and not others. He took exception to the word “surreal” (very overused in the art world, in my opinion), and in his case – dead on for many of his works. I can’t tell you how many revisions (and months) that damn catalog took! Can you say 10 cents an hour, or half a penny per word?
In the end, I delivered something that was halfway between what he wanted, and what I wanted. But it was okay. When he had it printed, he used the lowest cost printer he could find, and changed some of the wording to suit his ideas. The result? I was never able to use that writing as an example of my work. Partly because the catalog quality was horrendous. And the writing? Neither fish nor fowl. Tough lesson.
So where does that fit in this discussion? I’m older, wiser, a better writer, and if subtle doesn’t work, I’ll go right to the heart of the matter. Yet I still have to make “the client” happy. But my bottom line? If I’m not happy with the quality, I don’t want my name on it. And if he doesn’t trust my judgment, he should find someone else to help.
I think you handled it very well. I know that was difficult. Maybe if he’s insistent on using his words, he can be talked into using his words in a separate project to see if they are strong enough to stand alone. He might be hurt, but you were honest enough to say, what no one else could say. I think he will be thankful after he mulls it over.
It’s gotta come out sometime right? Buttering things up will only lead to more problems like annoyances and such. If they’re a good friend then they will listen to any criticism or anything that may hurt but beneficial to them. Tough but glad you did it!
I think you handled it the best way possible. You gave him two chances to ‘get the hint.” From now on, you know to address this possibility up front before taking on a client rather than later. I’ll be curious to know how it all comes out after he thinks about it a while.
BLW, I believe you tried a softer approach and since he was not picking up the overall message, you decided to offer a direct and honest critique of his written work. I believe you handled it well. Now the rest is up to him – Give him some time to reflect and perhaps he will come around.
I hope you’re right, Rudri!