Al and Tipper Gore
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, by now you’ve heard the term gray divorce, likely in conjunction with the news that Al and Tipper Gore are splitting up after 40 years.
Of course, the original announcement was followed by a claim that Al Gore’s marital defection was in fact the result of an affair, with denials coming fast and furious. As I continue to read related articles, I find myself shaking my head at those who are (foolishly) leaving marriages at 55 or 60 or older, whatever the reason.
Did I really say foolishly?
You bet I did. Whether you believe that leaving a 40-year marriage is necessary following infidelity or for any number of other motivations, Al and Tipper Gore hardly represent the norm when it comes to calling it quits on wedded non-bliss.
Or are they like the rest of us in more ways than we realize?
Love in ruins?
Is it all about boredom? The grinding of teeth? Never putting down the toilet seat?
Whatever the reason, dismantling a long-term marriage is no small thing, and if the husband leaves, often the female partner finds herself ill-equipped for re-entry in the single world. Depending on age and finances, making her way in her 50s, 60s, or beyond may prove daunting, especially if divorce is long, expensive, and contentious.
So what about those habits that drive you nuts? If you stuck it out for 30 years, should you – for 20 more?
Call me crazy, but I’m particularly surprised when couples mutually agree to split at 50 or older. I wonder why they don’t stay married and do as they please, especially if children are no longer in the picture. Why go through the drama of divorce at all?
The desire for fire
For women – if you have money for “maintenance,” you may be fine. If another relationship is of no interest, likewise. But if you’d like a compatible partner after 50 or 60 or older, think again. You’ve got a tough road ahead.
And gentlemen – if you believe women don’t still want sex at that age, consider this: Freed from the worries of pregnancy, some of us want it more as we mature. We’ve got plenty of desire to go around. What we don’t have plenty of is partners.
Trending?
The Village Voice is now crediting the Al and Tipper Gore split for a rash of recent “old people divorces” – citing such causes as general unhappiness, emotional distance, and the typical irritations of, well. . . decades of irritations.
According to the article, it’s the women who are predominantly initiating divorce, a position which is backed up by yet more references elaborating the benefits of marriage for men, and how “marriage sucks for women.”
Stay? Go? One last chance?
So what do we conclude? Have Al and Tipper started a trend, or are they the graying poster children for the Baby Boomers doing what they do – chasing impossible dreams – still?
While I don’t believe that anyone should “settle” for unhappiness, I have my doubts about contradictory data – women as more financially stable than ever before (in what demographics?), men marrying wealthier women (I have the same question), all the while anecdotal evidence persists that men shy away when women are too self-sufficient.*
So I repeat: Where does that leave men and women in our dotage? Better off single, married, or divorced?
Revisiting data
I wonder what the statistics will reveal in five years time. Will older divorcing couples be more content? More accomplished? Or disappointed? Will they be adding to the burdens of their adult children? The health care system? Or will “all of us old people” be happily hooking up on Craig’s List?
Maybe if you’re Al or Tipper Gore, or Helen Mirren (also mentioned in the Village Voice article), then go for it. In Mirren’s case, you’ve got talent and beauty on your side. As for the Gores, you’ve got resources and celebrity, which means access to whatever you might desire to enhance your marketability.
And the rest of us?
I’m all for freedom and chasing the dream, but this doesn’t strike me as a promising trend, if indeed it is one. If we still believe in Make Love Not War, then why bother with the legalities?
*More Men Marrying Wealthier Women, NYTimes, (01/19/10)
You raise good tough questions here. As for any individual couple I imagine the specifics tell the story (foolish or otherwise); but as a generation the trend seems to be that we boomers have practically defined an age of narcissism. The more everyone has tried to get what they want, the less they ultimately seem to have gotten the feelings of love and security that make life less stressful—not to mention the general state of the world that we have left for our kids.
Al Gore has done a lot to help the world, but who knows what that was like behind the scenes for those who love him on the personal level. I know he brought great spirit when I was working with earthquake survivors and he helicoptered in as Vice President to encourage us—and in that little give and go he was great.
I guess when public figures throw in the towel, their choices have wider effects than on just themselves and immediate family.
With talk about wealth and celebrity, this post also made me think of that marriage montage in “Citizen Kane” where the table grows absurdly long between them as the distance mounts.
While you make the case for loyalty, I think you also raise the question of the viability of the very institution of marriage across a widening swath of discontents. As to what will truly be healing, that remains an open question that our culture does not seem to be getting much warmer on answering.
Political and “celebrity” couples certainly must have incredible strains put on their marriages, for many reasons. So “drifting apart” beneath the surface of those pressures, over 40 years time? I can only imagine. The Gores are entitled to the institution of divorce as much as anyone else, but as Linda said (and I implied) – with money, the odds of being better off (however you may define that) are increased.
Another point one of the cited articles made was that the Gores are like any of us, in so far as the marriage itself requires care and feeding. If neglected, over the years, it will suffer, and possibly to a point beyond repair. And I do think that marriage used to be a more forgiving, more realistic institution – certainly in our grandparents’ generation. About family unit – more staunchly, and also more flexibly.
You bring up an excellent point, Bruce – the impact of so public a figure calling it quits. Perhaps it gives others permission to do so. I just worry about what they will actually find “out there,” not to mention the realities, especially for women, of being in a so-called dating pool as they age. Perhaps not what they bargained for.
Well, you read my mind, BLW. I’ve been writing a post in my mind about this divorce stuff ever since I heard about the Gore’s separation and I don’t doubt at all that they’ve spawned a rash of divorce “copy cats.”
First of all, no one knows what goes on inside a marriage except the two people in it. Second of all, if I was Tipper and 60-something and unhappy (and rich) I might very well be feeling my mortality and considering whether I wanted to spend the next 20-25 years of her life with Al. Or vice versa. And maybe searching for a new partner isn’t the motivation. Maybe being alone is.
It’s just that I think we’re all used to there being bigger, more pressing reasons for divorces than what apparently is going on with the Gores. Because every longterm marriage needs rejuvenation from time to time.
I happen to think that coming to realize you share no values with your partner – or nothing at all – is far greater than infidelity, depending on the circumstances. But that’s just me. Each couple will (potentially) have their breaking point. Nonetheless, this particular phenomenon – the couple is older, the kids are grown, and rather than dispensing with the legalities and still pursuing whatever it is they want, they go through the divorcing process anyway – after 30, 40, 50 years. I don’t get it. And I wonder if they will find what it is they seek.
And yes, Linda, “unhappy and rich” is a very different scenario. Why not move on legally as well as emotionally? But for those who aren’t rich, I have to wonder if it isn’t just “unhappy and unhappier.”
Interesting viewpoint, however is settling for mediocrity the answer? After years of ignoring a relationship, isn’t it just like living a lie? Is that fair for either partner? For the children?
Just some thoughts.
It is amazing how those endearing traits in your lover when you are young turn into “decades of irritation” when you grow up. What was viewed as high standards turn into perfection obsession; aspiring careerist turns into workaholic; take-charge turns into control freak; independently strong turns into emotionally absent. I’ve seen it over and over and over. Many women just are tired of it and are willing to walk away regardless of the emotional, financial and physical costs. I think the majority at that age will just ride it out, knowing they will, sooner or later, probably outlive their husbands!
I have an aunt and uncle who recently divorced after 40 years of marriage. Their situation was pretty complex, but still… It seems to me that boredom, irritation, and general unhappiness are all things that can be worked on; worked out. In these cases I’m not sure that jumping ship solves problems so much as it changes problems. Perhaps for the Gores who have plenty of resources the separation doesn’t present that many new challenges. But, as you say, for most Americans the situation may be much more tangled.
I’m with you, BLW. I don’t get it.
Bruce, it isn’t only us boomers who are narcissistic. And, what defines “happiness” for so many these days seems to have little to do with “feelings of love and security.”
People who wouldn’t know happiness if it slapped them in the face are frantically seeking happiness. At great cost to themselves and anyone who becomes emotionally attached to them.
The last Christmas I spent with my in-laws was the year they celebrated their 55th anniversary and 50th year in their home. Their 8 boys and their families were there. My FIL sat at the head of the table and talked about his family and times they had shared in that home.
Was he happy in his marriage at the 30 year mark… probably not. Did his wife irritate the hell out of him at the 40 year mark… probably so. Luckily for his family he was not the kind of man who defined happiness by what he wanted but by what was best for not only him but his family.
I can say the same about my father. My parents had marital problems. For a period neither was happy. They had the good sense or maybe maturity to know that unhappy today doesn’t mean unhappy tomorrow or next week or next year.
Those are the examples I want to live by, not Al and Tipper Gore. Regretfully couples who hold their marriages and families together don’t make headlines. That is a spot reserved for quitters.
I take commitment seriously and have traditional views about marriage so the Gores’s divorce made a ripple in my world. It might have been easier to take if I didn’t have a visual of them passionately kissing on stage (who doesn’t remember that?) or if I didn’t like either of them or if Al had the same reputation as Bill with the ladies. But I’ve never been able to be stoic upon learning of breakups, whether or not the couple is famous. Husband and I were together for nine years before tying the knot. We went through split-ups of many good friends; none was easy to live through.
I can only hope that it’s the best decision for them and their family.
When I think about celebrities, Belinda, I think about the nature of their work and how many so-called temptations they must encounter, as well as long periods of separation. We may look up to them for many things, but not necessarily as a moral compass. Nor do they present themselves as such. When I think about political figures, I realize they have temptations as well, and likely – incredible strain on time and family life, as well as periods of separation. But the difference is that they do hold themselves up as examples in this country. Examples of “moral character” and behavior we should emulate.
Thus what you (and others) commented on – that kiss, very public, not so long ago. We feel as though we were sold a bill of goods to some extent. Their public face was very convincing.
With regard to their situation, I’m torn.
Obviously none of us has a clue what their relationship has been like, for real. Who knows how many years they may have been waiting for a time when they could separate. Who knows what precipitated this, and at this time. We’re saddened because we see one more example of an institution (marriage) failing. Perhaps we should look at all the years that it worked – or appeared to – and consider that a success.
As for those of us who just go on about our lives, it is because (despite everything) I do believe in the institution of marriage that I recognize the challenges inherent in the all-or-nothing approach to it. Thus, my belief that the European model (more forgiving) and that of my grandparents’ generation and to some extent, my parents, is more human.
Honoring the family unit, above all else. Not perfection. Not legal battles and destructive behaviors that go on for years. Family.
Like Belinda, I felt sad when I heard about the Gores and flashed immediately to their swooning on-stage kiss. I don’t know much about either of them, but my impression had always been that their marriage transcended many of those that surrounded them in the intersecting lands of Hollywood and Washington. I wonder, though, whether, after a marriage that was very much wrapped up with career (for both of them), they found what they believed to be irreconcilable differences once the professional fires started to cool off a bit. I don’t know nearly enough about the situation to comment, but I feel for their daughters. I really do.
I feel for their daughters as well, Kristen. I was an adult when my own parents divorced. It’s difficult, even for adult children.
However, I am not saying there aren’t valid reasons – and many – for couples to divorce. Marriage doesn’t always work, even when you try your best to keep it going. I actually believe it is better to divorce sooner if you know things are irreparable, rather than wait 15 or 20 years. When you wait, the man has a high likelihood of refashioning his life, but the woman doesn’t. Maybe it should be more difficult to marry in this country, and a bit easier to divorce.
And then there’s the problem of the disparate divorce laws from state to state, which compounds difficulties for individuals and children alike, and in my view, certainly complicates the issues of child support in the case of deadbeat parents.
While the Gores may not face the financial woes that other divorced couples will, obviously they have to face the wrath of public perception! Given that they’ve lived the politico life for so long, I can imagine that’s as easy as giving up the financial luxuries for other couples! So the fact that they’re going through with it says volumes to me. I wish them both well.
I’m with you BLW, I don’t get it either. My in-laws divorced after 42 years–initiated by my father in law. Not exactly sure what he was going for as he is now a lonely man. I don’t believe the demise was due to an accumulation of irritants, but an inability to transition to the next phase of life together. Lacking the emotional intelligence to deal with aging–health issues, retirement changes, roles in retirement–together. Neither one could compromise or work together in this huge transition period. It is truly sad as they could have had a nice time ‘growing old together’ if they would have done the hard emotional work needed to redefine their relationship. It is hard for me to fathom not wanting to work at a relationship that has lasted that long to begin with–they had a good thing at one time–I witnessed this. It seems to me that my in-laws used divorce to run away or escape and they both ended up unhappy instead of gaining a sense of freedom.
I am so broken hearted over the Gores. I don’t know the whys or wherefores, but I do wonder whether people with such public lives and professional pressures have the same time and temerity when it comes to “working” at marriage as the rest of us do. I mean, would Al be willing to give up his work to meet weekly with a marriage counselor? Would he turn down a speaking engagement in favor of a quiet weekend retreat with his wife? Would she? Could either, considering their financial needs/obligations? It’s a tough situation that seems tougher for couples in the spotlight.
I guess if you’re truly miserable and you feel like you should’ve done it years ago, then okay. But you’re right; finances suck and it’s no picnic, especially if you think you’ll find someone else.
My dad has been sick and my mother keeps telling me I shouldn’t want to get re-married (which, btw, I don’t think I’ve ever said that I do) because I’m already middle aged, and he’ll just get old and sick that much sooner, and I’ll end up taking care of him. Well, how’s that for optimism??? Altho, I know it’s true.
I think the question is not whether you are better off single, married or divorced but about what makes you happy. We stay tied to jobs that bore us for the money. I don’t think we should stay tied to relationships that no longer interest us for the same reason.
The fact is that this idea of ’til death to us part came about when people died at 40. We live a lot longer. So there is a lot more time to be happy or unhappy.
My thoughts are that the Gores had a great 40 year run. Now they’re ready to take it higher, only this time on different paths. Good for them!
I am SO ashamed to admit this, but when I first heard about the Gores, my knee-jerk reaction was, “Aww, Jesus. Who’s the bimbo he’s shagging?”
Cringe. When did I become such a cynic?
Although I was sad to hear of their separation, I think that “I’m just not happy with this person any more” is a completely valid reason to break things off.
Of course we’ll see more divorces like this — the boomer generation is just hitting our 60s; we never did anything in a small way. There are too many of us!
But, marriages weren’t “designed” to last for 40-plus years because we didn’t live that long. Back in the day (when marriage was a financial arrangement — it still is but we don’t think of it in those terms until we divorce and the courts make us see it that way!), girls and boys married as teens and died in their 30s and 40s. They got 20 years of marriage max. Now, people are married 50, 60, 75 years!
You ask why not stay married and do your own thing? Some people do do that, but there are still some stigmas attached, especially if you want to be sexual with new partners.
All I know is this — Al, despite being overweight and balding, is going to get a lot more chances with the ladies than Tipper, also overweight and “matronly.” Ain’t “fair,” but it’s the truth …
Sadly, I believe you’re absolutely right about Al, and Tipper. I wish it weren’t the case, but it more than likely is. He’ll have all the women he wants. Her shot? A shot in hell?
Hi Wolfie,
Movement towards love, compatibility and support seems right at any time. Is action motivated by age, wisdom or pain? Where the edges are, only the individual knows…
EEEE! Did I just say that stuff?
Have fun,
Jim
Stumbled across this one and wanted to share my version…
http://www.alliwanttosay.com/2010/06/you-have-to-make-time.html