It isn’t just about romantic relationships, though these are the most obvious examples. Opposites attract, and often thrive. Consider the couples you know – their physical or behavioral differences. Their widely divergent backgrounds.
Now think about the facets of your own personality that you like the most, along with the traits you love in others and might like to possess. Are there inconsistencies in the mix? Outright contradictions?
What about your children? How many of us have marveled at how different our kids are – born of the same two parents, and raised in the same environment?
Opposites attract
In the middle of the night I was running through Part 3 of the Real Housewives of New York Reunion. I thought about the dramatically different personalities among the New York Housewives, the men they choose as partners, and the bearing this has – or will – on their parenting.
I also thought about my own life choices – the individuals I am drawn to, and the varying tastes and traits that govern my daily experience. I adore opposites; they offer us excitement as well as balance: extroverts may seek introverts, tall men may gravitate toward short women, the insecure may be at ease with the confident, and so on.
Parenting Type A and Type B kids
Opposites create energizing tension, yet they startle us when we see them emerge in our children. But if opposites attract (and we marry them), are those traits really so baffling?
My own sons, now teens, couldn’t be more different when it comes to aptitudes, attitudes, personalities, and their responses to certain of life’s events. One is a Type A personality (as am I), and the other, Type B (like their father).
Talk about challenging! Parenting my Type A is easier for me; I recognize myself, and guide accordingly. My Type B child is more laid back (making him low maintenance), yet harder to figure out because our personalities are so different.
And when you look at your own family dynamics? Do you see the results of “opposites attract?”
The Real Housewives of New York Couples
My thoughts on Part 3 of the Real Housewives of New York Reunion aren’t the usual impressions of who said what, did what, or wore what. And you already got my assessments on Parts 1 and 2. Last night was something else; I had a flash of each of these women in their similarities and differences. I thought about the husbands and lovers who (seem to) balance them.
Could Jill and Bobby Zarin be any more different? And yet they appear to complement each other in critical ways. Bethenny and Jason? Ramona and Mario? Likewise. Have these relationships endured and flourished?
As for the two established marriages, it would appear so, though of course we have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Let’s hope the newest of these duos will find their differences compatible for the long haul.
What about the New York housewives as parents?
Real Housewives (and Husbands) as Parents
How many fights that we never see take place over what’s best for the kids? Over value systems or logistics? Inclusion in the spotlight, or not?
Watching the fireworks throughout the Reunion and this season, I wondered about mothering styles, and reality-related parenting choices.
- Newbie Sonja Morgan made it clear she has purposely kept her daughter off camera.
- Alex and Simon seem to spend as much time as possible actively parenting their two little boys.
- Ramona has included her daughter in a consistent and respectfully “light” fashion. (Don’t we love Avery’s level-headedness?)
- As for the Countess, her two teens are only incidentally included. Likewise, Kelly’s two daughters (all pancake and Playboy scenes aside).
- Jill’s daughter, Ally, has been a pleasure to watch, though we’ve seen less of her lately.
- In each case, as we hit the teenage years, “less” seems normal. What teenager wants to be seen with his or her parents under any circumstances?
- Bethenny is a brand new mom, still in the wonderment and adoration stage. It will be interesting to see how her parenting evolves, and what is offered to the public eye.
As I watch these women behave (often badly), I can’t help but think that they’re all protective mothers. We’ve gotten a peek at varying parenting styles, and we may be relieved to see that they have husbands or (presumably) paid help to assist.
Parenting in the Public Eye
I’d like to believe that parenting brings out the best in most of us. It’s difficult enough raising children. How hard must it be with the constant scrutiny of the press?
Thankfully, while “money can’t buy you class,” it can pay for qualified child care. Luann’s former housekeeper, Rosie, comes to mind. And while we truly don’t know what’s going on with these Reality TV kids, I’d like to believe that they’re all doing well despite the unreality of cameras rolling on their parents’ lives.
However opposite their issues, personalities, and belief systems, the New York housewives all appear to be caring parents. That hasn’t stopped me from asking myself what their kids must think of “Mom’s behavior,” most recently, relative to Kelly Bensimon.
Real Life
Then I remind myself that my sons have witnessed plenty of ups and downs over the years – the rugged, ragged reality of single parenting, without the assets or assistance that comes with affluence.
However many conflicting forces define us and attract us, good parents pay attention to what children need, as they reflect us, react to us, and move away from us. They will ultimately carve out their own futures, no doubt filled with opposites that we recognize and others that we don’t. Opposites that suit them.
I don’t watch Real Housewives so I can’t comment on their parenting, but surely being in the limelight affects these kids to a degree don’t you think? I’m not sure I buy that these “real” housewives are the exact same people once the camera lights are off so is what you see really what you get when it comes to their role as parents? As children are likely to “ham it up” in front of a camera, perhaps adults do too? The fact that I question the reality in Reality TV is probably why I don’t watch it.
It is surprisingly good entertainment, when you find people and their behaviors fascinating. (I will admit, however, that many of the reality TV shows are a little too surreal for my taste.) And I think you’re right. When the cameras roll, I suspect these adults, with few exceptions, ratchet up their personalities and behaviors. Who knows what really goes on when the lights dim.
You helped me observe … opposites and differences are part of what make us all one – natural to be attracted to them.
Thank you.
Have fun,
jim
P.S. Love the changing header on the site. Not much (at all) into the real housewifes of new york.
Because I’m still a newbie, I constantly marvel at how my son reacts to people, affection, new books, Caillou, etc. I can’t always predict which people will become instant favorites and who will downright repel him. There are some things that he outgrows quickly and other things that have staying power (like his grimy dinosaur that he defends is “always very clean”). And yes, I’m constantly working on paying attention, yet often feel I can’t keep up with the changes and growth. It’s nice to know that some things are constant such as my ability to soothe him, put him in a better mood and make him laugh.
It is fascinating, isn’t it, how opposites attract? Of course, I think we need some common values and likes/dislikes to make things really work in a relationship. But often we are drawn to what we are not. My husband is very laid back. He’s jovial and funny and doesn’t worry too much. Me? I’m uptight and hyper-organized and always over-thinking things. Yet in our years of marriage, we have balanced one another. We’ve helped each other become more moderate, to meet somewhere in the middle, to smooth the rough edges of our traits. And I love that.
@Eva – Yin and Yang, perhaps? I agree with you, Eva, that there needs to be commonality somewhere – in values, certainly, or the allure of opposites becomes the skirmishing of opposition.
@Belinda – “The grimy dinosaur.” That brings back sweet memories. 🙂
My husband and I are fairly alike–or so I thought. Then we became parents. He is so laid-back that I’m not sure you could call it parenting at all…more like bearing witness. I have turned into the drill sergeant, harping on them constantly on their manners because I fear raising wild brats.
Love the NY Housewives (none of the other ones). Is it just me who thinks this, but I find that Ramona’s daughter is kind of a bitch?
TKW – Ha! It does seem that one parent takes on the drill sergeant role more than the other, and nothing brings out core and stylistic differences more than parenting, in my opinion.
As for Ramona’s daughter, I’d be hard-pressed to judge based on the little we see. And she’s a 15-year old girl in privilege Manhattan. All in all, she’s far more tolerant of (what I imagine to be) her surroundings than most, I think. Some of her remarks to her mother remind me (dare I admit this) of my exasperated dealings at that age with my self-absorbed parent.
I never watch TV (well, almost) but I honestly do feel like I’m missing some big cultural phenomena with the huge number of reality tv shows. I think I’d enjoy the housewives ones. Thanks for watching them for me and assimilating them into some kind of a narrative so that I have some idea what’s going on, BLW.
Thanks, Elizabeth.
I never watched any of the first reality tv shows. Not my thing. And I only began watching about 18 months ago I think – Project Runway, Top Chef, and Top Chef Masters. All about creative skills. That was it. Then I saw OC Housewives and was both appalled and fascinated, and over time, enjoyed watching. NYC has been a whole other thing, for many reasons. I’m hooked, though somewhat embarrassed by behaviors this past season (like many!).
So if I’m assisting with a bit of pop culture synthesis – great! (But I’m delighted that “Work of Art” has actually come to pass. With the state of the (visual) arts in this country, any help to broaden the understanding of contemporary art, its audience, the appeal of museums and galleries, and to elevate the importance of what artists contribute – I’m all for it. Even in the form of game show entertainment!
(So if you can watch any of them, try to catch Work of Art!)
One thing I find intriguing in how opposites attract is how the deep Self wishes to complete itself, or be more fully expressed; thus the “opposite” that we attract can be considered as the unconscious aspect of ourselves that can help round out our more complete and individuated Self.
This is particularly important if we seem to find the troubled person like a needle in a haystack, and in a repeating pattern. I have often seen this with seemingly macho guys who fall for wounded bird-like waifs as the secret vulnerable feminine that they must deny tooth and nail (much as the demure woman might experience her inner brute in the brute she is attracted to and attracts).
Finally, opposites are more about what is expressed on the surface, while when we get to the soul level the sublime and sacred pulses in each and every one. Our good fortune is to be able to see it.
Opposites do tend to bring things out in us that might not otherwise get noticed. They help us evolve and become more self aware. That said, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the company of someone who is just like us!
Opposites DO attract, though I haven’t had a lasting relationship, friend or otherwise, with my polar opposite. My best friend and I are alike like sisters – and as different as they come, too. And I was first attracted to my now-husband because of qualities we share AND many that we don’t. Life changes such as parenthood definitely highlight the differences (my husband, like TKW’s, does bear witness to a lot. On my best days, I know he’s doing it thoughtfully; on my worst, I’ll say he does it uselessly), but for us they’ve also emphasized our many similarities.