It was a first date – very casual – and he was picking me up at my home. Though he expected one of my sons might be there, he didn’t anticipate what he encountered.
My kid opened the door and let my date in to the view of a tall, attractive man in his underwear, walking around as though totally at ease in my little homestead.
I was caught off-guard, slightly embarrassed, and the fresh coffee I was making for the guest (who obviously had just awakened), I then offered to the gentleman who had arrived early hoping to surprise me – with fresh croissants for breakfast.
My friend extended his hand and introduced himself. Then he left the kitchen to dress. While I felt no urgent need for an explanation, I offered “he’s an old friend who was passing through town.”
And that, in fact, was the truth.
Let’s just say, there was a bit of awkwardness in the air. For one thing, this particular friend is hot. Very hot. He’s 6’4″ and classically handsome. Soulful eyes. Strong jaw. Salt and pepper hair.
If I were a man and had been hit by that scene, I think I would’ve been thrown a little, too.
More to the (compromising?) story
There was, nonetheless, a second date a week later. This time, my son opened the door and I was seen with my arms around a different man, a sort of embrace and in the middle of serious conversation. He, too, looked disheveled (fresh out of bed). And yes, he was in his boxer shorts at noon on a Saturday.
Again, I had a logical explanation. But my date didn’t want to hear it, asked if Jockey shorts were the required dress code, and left. That was that.
The low down
In the first instance, the man was a friend I’d known for 15 years – (I knew his wife as well). He was passing through town and stayed at my house for the night. The fact that he’s handsome? A plus, which has nothing to do with our long friendship.
In the second scenario, I had been delighted to receive a call from a family friend I’d known since I was a teenager. In fact, he was my piano teacher back then, and we were buddies for many years as adults. He had spent the past 20 years living overseas and touring as a concert pianist. He was in the city, looked me up, then had a terrible recurrence of pain in his hip and leg. After tests at the hospital, he’d ultimately come to stay with me for a few days before returning to his family in Germany.
He had just received difficult news that hip surgery would be required much sooner than anticipated, and an important tour would need to be canceled. I was consoling him.
As a friend.
First impressions never lie?
Now. All this?
It was a dream. And I woke chuckling. It’s delicious to be visited in dreams by old friends or loved ones, and I admit, the plot tickled me – as did the view. Sadly, there was no third buddy who dropped by, preferably in Speedos.
As for my date and his discomfort with both scenes? I can imagine he had a strange first impression. And even second impression. If the clothes make the man, then the lack of clothes compromised the woman. This woman.
Right or wrong, those early impressions count. On the other hand, they shouldn’t have, particularly as my explanations (which I didn’t owe him) were logical – and the truth. Despite that, he couldn’t get over his suspicions. Seeds of doubt were planted, and there they stayed.
Compromising situations
Let’s be real. There are first impressions and lasting impressions. There’s “caught with your pants down” and there are compromising situations.
In the dream, my son was present. I was fully dressed. In both instances, no one’s pants were down, though I suspect my viability as a potential paramour was compromised by the mere fact that I knew men. (Hello? Double standards?)
And so I thought of Harry and Sally. Their intrepid friendship. The bottom line of that classic film. The complexities of men and women trying to get along.
Can’t men and women be friends? Must a sexual liaison always be presumed? Is a sexual spark in the air part of the pleasure? Must we deny that?
Can men and women be “just” friends?
I have friends of the opposite sex. I consider that perfectly normal. I also understand that when one starts out seeing someone, they’d like to think there are no lovers lingering in the closet, or anywhere else. Still –
- Should he have believed me?
- Are men more jealous than women?
- Have you ever been theoretically caught with your pants down, but it was quite innocent?
- Can men and women be friends, without becoming sexually involved?
I guess my concern would be that your date wasn’t willing to listen to the explanation the second time. Nothing there to build on if he isn’t listening.
Yes, I think women and men can be friends – just friends. I have a few very close men-friends. And I have at least two with whom there was once a “wrong impression” encounter that we moved beyond easily. I’ve always felt that women tend to be more jealous than men…but I have only anecdotal evidence. And should he have believed you? Sure – I did, when you were telling the story. But I sure wanted an explanation for all the underwear!
I would like to say yes, because in truth, I prefer my friendships with men. However, often times, feelings develop and things get awkward. I have a few male friends who are just friends, and I treasure them, but My Guy and I have both been burned in the past by our exes and their platonic-turned-romantic relationships so we exercise caution and make sure the other is really comfortable with our current friendships with the opposite sex. Long story short: Yes, but it’s complicated.
It depends on the person and their beliefs. There are those who believe men and women cannot be friends, without any sexual context. Others, who have great trust in their partners ( like myself and my husband) have friends of either gender, do things with them (lunch, hiking, even dancing), and are not intimidated in the least. Some examples: I have a handsome man come to my house every Monday morning to play violin with me. Neither my husband or his wife get bent out of shape about it. We have both been married to our respective spouses for over 20 years. My husband has a lunch date once a month with an ex co-worker. They worked intensely on a project several years ago and have a great relationship. She has been here to dinner and our daughter has been out to ride her horses, but she is mainly my husband’s friend.
I believe these kinds of friendships add greatly to one’s life experience.
I am saddened when I find out that supposedly mature adults are either intimidated about their partners having a such friendships, or when they take advantage of a trusting partner and claim a friendship for what is really a sexual or romantic relationship.
On the flip side, this also can effect a friendship, or what you think was a friendship.
Someone I thought of as a close friend from college ended up becoming jealous of my boyfriends and, eventually, my husband. He was married, and remained married, during all this time. It took me a while to catch on why he had made nasty comments about and even seemed competitive (lost a bunch of weight, began running marathons, etc.) with my husband. His attitude has cost him our friendship.
I can see how someone who does not even know you after those 2 experiences might wonder about your life. But if he can’t see the humor in the situation, he might be one of those just not able to understand.
Your dreams are much more interesting than mine. I tend to dream about things like forgetting lines to plays I didn’t realize I was in. Yawn.
At the moment I have no close friendships with men. When I was still working outside the home, I had lots of friendships with male colleagues, including some close ones. Before that, many of my friendships with men always carried some air of complication. (And, I will admit, my own lack of self-esteem in my late teens and early 20s didn’t always inspire me to do much to clear up those misunderstandings.)
@Nicki – Great point about listening (not to mention seeing the humor in the situation)
@Leslie – Glad you moved beyond the “wrong impression” encounter (not everyone can do that, it seems); as for the boxers and t-shirt – if you’ve just woken and you’ve known someone for 15 years and wander to the kitchen for coffee, it seems sort of normal to me… as for the other gentleman, in my scenario, he actually was in pain and needed help walking, having also just exited the guestroom (and a friend literally for 30+ years).
@Justine – “yes, but complicated” – I guess that sums it up for many of us, sadly
@lunaboogie – how lovely to have you comment. Nice to have you here. It sounds like you and your husband have a solid respect and trust in each other. (Isn’t that how it should be?) How right you are that many different sorts of friendships enrich us.
@Kristen – lines from a play you didn’t know you were in? (Crack me up.) I do still dream I have one more exam from grad school to take… but thankfully, I don’t have those dreams anymore as often as I used to. This particular dream did wake me with a smile though. l reached for the laptop in the dark, and tap-tap-tapped it out, to imprint the images and words in my mind. (Lines from a saucy play, at least?)
😉
One of my very bestest buds is a guy. One of Husband’s bestest buds is a girl. In fact, he was one of our ushers and she stood as one of his grooms in our wedding.
So, yes on that front.
I would say, though, that it isn’t easy to have opposite sex friends not because Husband or I have insecurities or lack of self control, but because of perception on the part of others. We just roll our eyes and blow it off, but i can imagine that other people in similar situations who aren’t as secure as we are would have problems with the comments and ignorance.
I mean, when someone told me there was a bet on how long it would take for me to have an affair with my friend, I laughed and put down ten bucks.
I think men and women CAN be friends and the resulting sexual tension adds to the friendship. It has the potential to stir passion in both people’s lives. Of course it has the potential to stir other things as well…but let’s hope people know where boundaries exist.
In my home I am more jealous than my husband. He tells me that is because I make him so certain he is loved. I think I have a hole in my heart for reasons that have nothing to do with my husband.
But my husband is always the one who benefits from any sexual tension that arises from friendships I make and any passions that get aroused. So, why would he mind?
You raise interesting questions, Rebecca. The sexual tension is part of the fun, and those boundaries are difficult for some, and not, for others.
As for your husband, maybe he says he’s not jealous because he believes in you and trusts you, but is, nonetheless? Perhaps it is a compliment?
too funny, in an awkward way 🙂
i think, if this guy really was interested in you, he would have put those things aside. I have gone through recent dates that i didnt want to continue, but for non-obvious reasons (to the other person), so i can relate to that.
so was it all just a dream? what do you think that is telling you?
It was indeed a dream, not real. As for what it was telling me? For one thing, that I miss my old friends. For another, that I miss adult men friends. It’s been all parenting-all survival around here, for a very long time. And as the academic year comes to a close (very soon), and my sons the age they are, I can possibly begin to think about my life – my social life. That’s my guess.
As I think about it a little further, it’s interesting to me that my sons were opening the door each time. Opening the door to welcome adults into my world. Hadn’t thought about that. Until now.
Geez, BLW, time to start that steamy, present-day romance novel that’s been bopping around your subconscious mind! Somehow I just know you’d be fine with all the, um, romantic scenes! Remember, those books thrive on conflicts and misunderstandings. Throw in a few corporate CEOs, or, I don’t know, Dukes?, and you’ll have a great one!