Technology trauma 
Yesterday was rough. Very rough. It took more than five hours to write simply, about simplicity. What’s not to love about that?
And I struggled through those hours, trying to avoid a total emotional meltdown due to a serious software snafu beyond my control.
I persisted; stubbornness can be an asset. I wrote inside a tiny square of space, squinting through a sea of nested links as I searched for what I needed. I edited and saved. Previewed and edited again. Coded HTML. Never ate. Drank too much coffee.
Suffice it to say – I had more than the usual moaning for the Monday Complaint Department. I took deep breaths. I emailed friends, people who are now part of my daily life. Some of you.
Old habits die hard – Asking for help
It isn’t always easy asking for help. I’ve never been good at it.
There are reasons for that, rooted in my childhood, and I know what they are. We don’t all have the picture perfect family. Not when we’re young, and not when we grow up, go out on our own, and naively believe that we can do better than our parents.
In my case, I learned long ago to accept certain facets of my family history, my current circumstances, and to do better by my sons.
When you don’t have family you can turn to, you need a network. The proverbial village, not only to raise children, but for yourself. For your survival. Your sanity. The texture of a shared life.
Old habits die hard – Trust
I am not good at trust.
There. I said it.
Those words look stark on the page. They startle me, and scare me. I know that trust is essential for all kinds of relationships, certainly for intimacy. I have given trust, but often to the wrong people. The consequences have been considerable. So I’ve closed certain doors, then locked them. Whether I’ve thrown away the key remains to be seen.
I have no need to justify my distrust; I have good reason for it: fundamental tenets of parenting were broken in childhood; betrayals at the hand of that same parent continued well into adulthood; a breech with a sibling is irreparable, in my eyes. As for my marriage and subsequent divorce, to say that I have reason to distrust is an understatement, and sufficient for this discussion.
I imagine I will always have issues with trust.
You can choose your friends
There’s an old adage: You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.
It is an adage I’ve found to be true. Friends are of our choosing, and they grow into the family of our choosing.
I have always been rich in friends – incredible women and men, both. Some I’ve known for 30 years. Others I’ve come to know in this past year. Some of you.
Women and society: trust issues
Givens: Our culture is absurdly fast-paced, overly competitive, and at times, all too mobile. Many of us are isolated by circumstance and necessity. Technology helps hold us together, as does insistence on maintaining human connections – letters, phone calls, visits if possible.
Still, establishing and maintaining relationships (of any kind) is difficult, and while we may approach each other more openly, I believe it is more problematic for women.
Society expects much of its women – often required to hold down the fort, orchestrate the family social events, raise children, and still bring in an income. Ironically (or out of fatigue?), we often trust too easily, and fall victim to our own willingness to hand over the reins to an authority figure or an institution, or to another person, often a man. To their decision-making, their powers of persuasion, their promise of a fix, or an ability to “complete us.”
We may get lucky. We may not. I have learned to hand my reins over to no one.
Problem-solving in isolation
It is virtually impossible to solve problems in isolation. And yesterday, I put my trust in a new friend who offered to help, and on whom I had to rely if I was to avoid a total technology meltdown – and a whole lot of agita. I had other options, including “toughing it out” until my Techno-Kid gets home from college in a few weeks. I would have been stuck writing through a scrambled mess of an interface, but I would have managed.
I also would’ve been a damn fool to take that option, waiting, though it was my first response. Instead, when the new friend offered to help, I accepted. Putting my trust in her was no small feat for me. She spent many hours on my software problem, solved it, and I am grateful beyond measure.
How to resolve issues of trust
So how do you resolve trust issues? Is it possible?
I have learned to trust my gut. I judge more cautiously, and don’t dismiss warning signals. But I also pay attention when I sense a genuine desire to know me, or to help me, or establish a relationship of reciprocity.
There is nothing wrong with an agenda or even with being self-serving (you pat my back, I’ll pat yours). It is a matter of degree, of honesty, and a relationship that offers give and take.
- Do you trust too easily?
- Have you put boundaries around your trust?
- If you are divorced, have you found it harder to trust?
- What are you teaching your children about trust – and caution?
Thank You
This is my thank you note. A little meandering, but my way of telling a new friend how much I appreciate her, and the gift she gave me that extends beyond resolving my software issues. So thank you, to a smart, caring, very real woman who offered me a little miracle, in the one realm of my daily life that I can (usually) trust: writing. Here.
My thanks to one other (you know who you are), who has helped almost daily for months – with good cheer, shared knowledge, and generosity of spirit which I had forgotten existed. And to the others who checked in with me to see how it was going, knowing I was having a very rough day – even for a Monday. Don’t we all get by a little better with the help of our friends?
A Classic, Compliments of the Beatles:
Trust is tough. It is hard to give and to earn. I find myself questioning, being a cynic, being a skeptic frequently rather than just trusting. Usually, there is a good reason for this but not always.
I am glad you reached out and all is okay!
I feel a bit odd responding to this post. I don’t know you. I love your words and read them often. I appreciate your fear of trust. I really do. I understand it.
Yes, life has made it difficult for you to trust. But I don’t trust easily either. And my parents had a loving marriage and so do I. I’m cautious. I take my time.
Here is my thought after reading your words. Perhaps the problem is that you don’t trust yourself–you feel like you will trust the wrong people. My comment then would be to do what you are doing. Take it slow. Be cautious. Live by your gut and soon you will know that the people you choose to trust, mostly will be worthy of your trust.
I trust easily — myself and others — and yes, I have been hurt by it. But I learn and I go on and, surprisingly, it does not deter me from trusting again. We are here to make connections. How will we ever know what kind of connections can be made in this life if we never take risks?
To live an honest and authentic life, giving our all–to ourselves and others–isn’t that what it’s all about.
Bravo, BLW. Yesterday was, overall, a great success.
Yes, it was, Sarah. Thank you.
It takes courage and humility to ask for help! But we all face tough times when we need to ask for help – and this is what friends are for. What goes around comes around, and although you may be in a taking position now, soon you will be giving no doubt.
I was raised by my mother who trusted my dad completely until he betrayed her and ever since then, her advice to me was of the trust-no-one kind. Because of that, I have been a little more cautious than most in my trust in others, but I still do. I still want to have faith in my friends, my family, even though I have seen firsthand what it can do to you when misplaced.
But then I look at my mom and how embittered and distant she has become, I feel really sad for her and I realize I don’t want to be like her either. I have learned to be cautious, but I certainly want to trust those around me because it means I can let them into my life and establish meaningful, even beautiful relationships – it’s far less lonely that way.
A mix of trust and caution, as you say, Justine.
Wow. That’s wonderful. I’m sorry you had to struggle so hard — computer issues make me almost insane. Or maybe more insane.
But I’m so glad someone helped you. And as for trust, I think perhaps that time and increasing knowledge eventually proves somebody worthy or not, don’t you?
Elizabeth – I think you hit it on the mark when you say that with time, trust is easier. Still, some are very proficient at the mask, for long periods of time. I think we develop a second sense as we get older, or maybe we’re more willing to listen to our gut with experience.
well said
good luck
sometimes life forces you to take chances, sometimes you have to take a chance yourself.
trust, it is about others as much as it is about yourself, and there is a lot of grey area (or is it gray area???)
hope tuesday is going better for you than monday!
Oddly, I am kind of a pessimist, and yet I trust people far too easily. It’s rather ridiculous, if you think about it.
But I’m glad you asked and got help from our awesome Sarah. You both are quite something. xoxo
I have dated several women who had trust issues, and it was an enjoyable experience for me to earn their trust, and give them reason to keep trusting. I tend to be very trusting with most people. But when I distrust someone, I do so in a big way.
Comme je comprends, BLW. Faire confiance à quelqu’un me fait peur, après ce qui s’est passé pendant mon enfance.
“We don’t all have the picture perfect family. Not when we’re young, and not when we grow up, go out on our own, and naively believe that we can do better than our parents …” — oui, c’est vrai. Quant à la naïveté, qu’est-ce qu’on peut faire? (Vous savez l’aventure sur laquel j’étais sur le point de commencer il y a peu de temps. Maintenant, je n’ai pas confiance en moi — ou pas encore.) Les petits pas, oui …
I trust people too easily as well, but with little things, which makes me wonder, “Am I really trusting them at all or just testing them to see if they’re ‘worthy’ of knowing the big things?” I think it’s still safe to say people have to earn trust, and after too many encounters where it was betrayed instead of earned, it would be hard to give again. Or, at least, the bar for earning it would be much, much higher. I’m glad you were able to salvage your Monday with help from (and trust in) of two friends. And the Beatles. =>
Interesting notion, Stacia. Trusting versus testing. That one has given me pause. I always took people at face value, and then didn’t. I never “tested,” but nor did I test the waters, which might be thought of as trusting sparingly, and gradually. Will ponder this one.
To me there are two issues here: the ability to ask for help and the ability to trust. I have a hard time asking for help, I tend to think of myself as a stalwart rock, and I just keep going and going and going till I realize that maybe something’s wrong. And, although I’ve always got my “fraud antennae” on red alert because of my days working in insurance, I feel confident that I’d know it if I saw it.
To me a larger question is how we let go of old hurts, to forgive and move on, to even live with our hearts on our sleeve again? That, to me, is what it takes to be human.
There’s another old saying: “You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friend’s nose.” Don’t really think that fits here, but it came readily to mind. (Can you tell I spend too much time with the preschool set?)
I trust too easily and have been burned because of it. But as I get older, I have become a better judge of character and have created an invisible force field around myself where I allow fewer and fewer people in. I wonder (out loud) if that fact has coincided with having kids. I am more protective of my life and my time in general now and I don’t want to welcome in anyone or anything that could hurt my children.
Here’s to building and maintaining a trusted community of friends. And here’s to tech-savvy women who make us believe in the power of trust, the power of friendship, and the power of HTML!
“Problem-solving in isolation”
That made me shutter. Nine times out of ten when we reach out there is a hand waiting. The more we chance reaching out the sooner we learn that we don’t have to do anything in islolation.
You know I’m no farther away than a phone call. Judging from the responses here I don’t think I’m alone.
I’m glad I was given the opportunity to choose you as a friend.
Wolf, when I came home and read up on everything that has happened I wanted to cry. If only I KNEW code or something useful!! But, I am so glad that “your friend” helped you out. She really is something, isn’t she?
As for trust, I have only a handful of people I completely trust. Oddly, not very many of them come from my family! It has nothing to do with them, it is more my personality and a bit of (tragic) history.
I am learning to trust other people besides my husband. It is hard, it is like giving a piece of myself. It is a good exercise, though. At least I think it is!
P.S. You are one of those people. : )