How do you define success?
As the remaining assets in my bank account dwindle – Hello? Recession? – I’ve been… shall we say… a little stressed, and feeling like anything but a success.
I look back at my days of setting goals, working hard to achieve them, and climbing the corporate ladder. I look at my marriage and subsequent divorce. I look at how my world overall has changed and I never imagined that my life would be what my life is – no job title, no money in the bank, no sense of security, no committed relationship. When I measure success in traditional ways, I bemoan my situation and judge myself very harshly.
And yet…
While these measures of success yield a dismal impression, I know that picture to be misleading, inaccurate, and incomplete.
Recently, a friend remarked: “Do you really consider yourself unsuccessful? Set aside the financial aspects for one minute, which are important, but look again. Now what do you see?”
I grinned. I knew immediately what he was talking about. And he’s right. I am a success – in every way that counts most, to me.
Defining Success: The Balance Sheet
In the business world, we invariably turn to the balance sheet: a tidy tally of assets and liabilities. It is a snapshot at a point in time, a statement of financial position. If the pluses outweigh the minuses, you’re good to go. But in the red? Obviously, that’s trouble. This is an oversimplification, but you get the gist.
Context plays a role: If you’re 25 years old and starting a business with a promising plan, more liabilities than assets on paper isn’t quite so daunting. Time, health, energy, and presumably your great offering may lead to success. But at fifty? The picture is bleaker… unless you’re sitting on a heap of assets.
If you define success solely by the numbers – your bank account, your investments, your square footage, and so on – then things are cut and dry.
But what about the people, the experiences, the non-monetary contributions that are an integral part of our lives?
Redefining Success: The Personal Balance Sheet
My life is successful in ways I never imagined. I am rich in experiences of loving, learning, traveling, and creating. I have accomplished things in the past five years that I couldn’t have hoped for. And more significant still – I never thought I would be a parent. That gift arrived later in life for me, and my sons are magnificent.
When it comes to kids, I was dealt a great hand. And yes, I’ve also done my best to live up to the challenge. I am proud of my sons and proud of the job I have managed, however imperfect. And it isn’t quite over yet.
I have also been fortunate in friendships that have nourished me. The quality of those relationships as well as emerging online connections – a community that is abundant in laughter, commiseration, and sharing – remind me of the importance of both virtual acquaintances and true friends, whatever the source of our original meeting.
What else comes to mind in my personal balance sheet?
I love my kids and I like who I am. I assess the picture as a whole and see far more pluses than minuses.
Defining Success: The Profit & Loss Statement
Ah, the all critical P&L! How can you see if an entity will be ongoing without checking its Profit and Loss Statement? Isn’t that an essential ingredient for financial health? A measure of success?
The Profit and Loss is all about revenues in, expenses out, and documented over a period of time.
Again, that’s a simplification, but revenues less expenses should yield a positive outcome. A profit. How else do you survive? How else do you reinvest and grow your business?
My P&L, or more specifically, the Profit and Loss Statement for my family unit, isn’t wildly encouraging. It was positive for decades, and then it wasn’t. Yes, excellent credit remains (thankfully), but no one can live on past performance forever. Nor can reducing expenses in order to stay afloat be a long term solution for success.
Generating income is necessary for long term health – unless of course you’re sitting on heaps of capital, which I’m not.
Redefining Success: The Personal Profit & Loss Statement
So here’s the issue. Is it as simple as assets flowing out, and nothing flowing in to refill the coffers?
Money pours out of this household at a staggering rate. I am a single mother of two; one in college and the other still at home. It’s always something: AP exams, IB exams, more books, more art supplies, summer programs, school trips. And this is public school! College visits are next, and they aren’t a given.
Then there’s the usual: the mortgage, the insurance of various types, the utilities, and taxes; food, clothing, transportation; doctors, dentists, the cost of glasses.
As for my sons’ requests, they aren’t frivolous, and so my response has generally been to find a way – to facilitate their pursuit of opportunities created of their own hard work. The result? They are increasingly driven to pursue what they love – both of them – and to be “traditionally successful” while doing so, which is a matter of practicality.
As for revenues? Hard currency? I can’t pretend not to worry. But while insufficient dollars are rolling in at present, I have a sense of forward movement. I have goals, and I feel myself advancing, albeit unconventionally.
And don’t irregular times call for that? Surviving recession is about entrepreneurship, creativity, networking, agility, a good dose of street smarts. And a little luck wouldn’t hurt!
Meanwhile, I recognize that I am rich in transferable skills and continuing experiences. Wealthy, in the relationship with my sons. And feeling optimistic, in the satisfaction of this daily discipline of writing. The way I learn from it, and I hope, give back.
How to Reinvent Yourself (Again and Again)
Do I have a secret formula for reinventing oneself? Post-divorce? Post-layoff? Post personal losses?
Do I have wise words accompanied by a get rich quick scheme? A little green pill that’s even better than the little blue one?
Sorry! None of the above. But for all the bad days, there are also many good ones. For all the anger in the wake of what I cannot control, there has been delight in surprises, and what I can influence for the better. I have reinvented myself several times; I will continue to do so as many as necessary. My life is both constrained and luxurious. I am scratching to survive, and equally, flourishing.
Contradictions? Of course. But aren’t we all a tangled mess of pieces that don’t quite fit? A beautiful tangled mess?
Would you like a few examples of what I’ve learned in these past years?
- I negotiate everything
- I value what I have
- My sons have a strong work ethic
- I do not take health for granted
- I appreciate my friendships immeasurably
- I’ve learned to take more risk
- I am kinder to myself, as a woman and as a parent
- I am more critical of myself as a writer
- I continue to learn
Reinvention is such an overused term, and a personal matter.
My reinvention will not be yours. My view of success will not be yours. My journey, my timeframe, my wins and my losses – these are all my own – a function of my constraints, my talents, my shadows, my daring.
But anyone’s reinvention is, like life, ongoing; there is no tidy finish line.
Assuring Your Future Success
Is there a guarantee in life? We know the answer to that.
I have not set aside the necessity of financial stability or the sense of freedom that I know it can bring. On the contrary; I am more driven than ever to make money. But I have put it in perspective, looking at my many balance sheets, as well as my many profit and loss statements. I know what it feels like to work, to accomplish, to possess the traditional trappings of professional and financial success.
And then to lose it all. I know I am not alone in this.
But my perspective has broadened; surviving difficult and ongoing challenges has steeled me and schooled me. Transforming “surviving” into “thriving” is a process accompanied by perpetual assessment. It is a pursuit of parallel paths toward multiple goals, and appreciation for what I have, now and always – those assets in the bank of my spirit and my heart.
You May Also Enjoy
Thought provoking post. I think we’re so hard on ourselves. I know I am. In so many ways that count my life is successful. But until I feel fiinancially secure or publish that book, I just can’t seem to go all the way there in my head. I like your list of what you’ve learned. Doing such a list from time to time can probably help us be a little more open to what defines success.
I suppose success can be defined in many different ways. However, I am not one who defines it in financial means. Some people who are extremely rich got that way using scoundrous methods…is that someone I’d want to emulate? Success is not achieved monetarily, in my opinion. Success is striving for our goals, and whether we reach them or not it is in what we do the the experiences on that road. (lessons learned and applied in life) I feel it’s all in personal growth and how we treat others. I would rather be known to have given my time, my heart, and my efforts than to be known just for giving money. Success lies in the values you live your life and pas son to those you meet. Just my opinion.
These are indeed my points. But at the same time, I know full well that without money, there is no roof, no food, no medical care. No basics. I will not say that I am fully successful; I doubt I would ever say it. Like Maureen, I want to publish (I have, but I want more), and I want financial security. That’s different from riches; it is a quelling of the worries that swallow so much energy. Nonetheless, I measure my personal success by achievements that matter to me – like parenting, like writing, like learning.
FWIW, I’ve always seen you as thriving.
Thank you, April. 🙂
What an inspiration – I feel better already! Thanks!
Thank you – I really needed this.
I’m on the verge of making a decision about my career – continue full-time for that lovely paycheck and live comfortably but only see my daughter 2 hours a day, or find part-time work, lose the cushy income and my career path but see my daughter more? The decision seems very clear to many here, and even to me sometimes but I am still struggling with it. I would desperately like to believe that love makes the world go round, but with bills, mortgage, college tuition, retirement to worry about…it is hard to embrace the romantic notions of success. I am happy now (great family/job/city), but it hurts me every day when my daughter goes to bed, knowing that I don’t see her again until 22 hours later. And if I quit my full-time job to have more time with her, which is what I want, but find ourselves struggling financially and feeling like we’re “back to square one” after all these years of working hard to get us out of there, will I be happy then?
I just don’t know.
I find it tragic – yes, tragic – that in our culture, women have to face these choices. And while some men do as well, it is primarily women.
I don’t know where you live or what skills & experience you bring to the table. Nor do I know your age. But dependent upon those factors (and some luck), there are no guarantees that you will be able to find something part-time, so you won’t be so torn. You very well may find just the thing, and you’ll still feel torn, but less so. This is a difficult economy, for most of us. And these are painful choices, with no right answers. I wish you luck, and wisdom, whichever way you decide.
As for me, I look at my sons, and know I’ve done the very best for them I could. I don’t regret my choices.
I don’t much feel like discussing certain types of balance sheets the day after Tax Day in the States. [Grimace.]
But I’m all for talking about existential profit & loss. I was actually just talking to a friend of mine who is a brand new mom and she was recounting all of the things she’s learned about herself and, of course, about parenting, in the past few weeks. If I extrapolate from her comment to my experience over the past few years, I see that, although I have been an abject failure financially, I have changed in fundamental, and, I think, fundamentally positive ways. Not only have I become a mother, but I’ve become a better partner to my spouse, a writer, and a woman who has a much stronger sense of herself and her worth. No, I haven’t checked off many of the boxes on the traditional life scorecard, but I’ve also become someone who is more and more okay with that.
Thanks, BLW, for the inspiration to give myself a little pep talk this afternoon.
Yes, you adjust the criteria and you get a completely different answer. (This is why political polls drive me nuts, but we’ll talk about that some other day.) I think everyone defines success on his or her own terms, though it is all too easy to fall into our society’s “traditional” definition and believe you are not successful unless you’ve met those criteria. I love the way you expressed it: “My life is both constrained, and luxurious. I am scratching to survive, and flourishing.”
My life sounds like yours. Flourishing and floundering all at once. Finding steady revenue you can rely on is very hard in these economic times. You aren’t alone. Hope things pick up for all of us soon.
I love this post. And you are right about defining success. It is so individual and very personal.
Very interesting post, BLW. I need to remind myself more often that the time to wave the white flag is NEVER. I give up far too easily (it’s a flaw) and I need to cultivate that kind of resiliency.
I have had to completely redefine success in the last couple of years as I’ve stepped off the corporate track, deferred the home-ownership dream, and started eating a whole lot more rice and beans!
It’s hard. And scary. But so worth it.
Amazing how much we still all judge ourselves by monetary views of success. I’m not supposed to be a success as a writer unless I have a book staring out at me at Border’s. Nothing else is supposed to count. And said book is supposed to sell enough to make me rich.
But I think about the times I’ve gotten something that I’ve been striving for, when it’s been that carrot dangling in front of me, and by the time I get it it’s not that big of a deal. It was actually the process, the striving, the giving shape and meaning to my days. So, knowing that, I’m trying to remember that it’s that: my success is what gives shape and meaning to my days.
Hi Wolfie,
Your ability to communicate such challenging emotional subjects is amazing.
Success in our society has truly become so tied to money earned and ability to spend. Not a bad thing, but only one thing, one area of success, as you have so beautifully described.
Attention to, and taking steps forward with family and friends, physical health, being of service to others, home, clear thinking, emotional acknowledgment and seeking support, etc. are all things to reflect on and count as true success. Well done.
These have been terrible financial times, so hard on so many. The pain of a shrinking bank account (or no bank account, or job, at all) coupled with the realization of future needs is scary. But you seem to be on the right track with money. You’re taking steps.
Have you considered, or begun, to get the boys involved with the family organization and need for earning, spending control, and saving? They seem so bright, skilled and (I love that they are) hard working. Valuable qualities and I’d bet with interesting insights to helping the family get through this financial valley. And you will get through this valley. Better days are ahead.
Thank you for sharing (and all you do).
Have fun (in the moments of appreciation and lightness),
Jim
The older I get, the more abstract the concept money becomes. I look at balance sheets, tax returns, the ebb and flow of the bottom line and it occurs to me that no matter how much there is, adjustments are made up or down accordingly.
There is a certain relief to the idea of paring back in this age of economic paring back. Life becomes simpler, easier to manage, less stressful, more enjoyable on a whole bunch of levels. Seems like a recipe for success to me…
“I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one’s business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and one behind.” – George Bernard Shaw.
Maybe success really shouldn’t be the measure. Maybe evolution or becoming should be.
But even if success is the measure, fine. You are indeed a success. Here you are, a brilliant and bold writer. A loving and thoughtful mother. A compelling voice to which strangers flock. A success.
And yet. I appreciate the naughty nuances. The reign of numbers. Of markers. But I still stand my ground. You are someone I admire and respect. And I haven’t even met you in person.
A success by any definition.
Wolf, I always imagine myself when I am 90. Will I still lament that I did not further my education? Will I proudly discuss what I have published? I don’t think so. I think I will talk about my children. Their successes will make me feel successful. This helps me when I am feeling frazzled or overwhelmed in all my responsibilities.
As for you? You are very successful in my eyes.
I could have written the first part of your post word for word (if I had your talent). I sometimes feel like a cliche of the older woman who has lost husband and job and false sense of security. Yet I am a success too.
Thanks for putting it in good perspective.
Carol
BLW – So many thoughts coming from reading this. Like you, I have lived many different types of success – personal and business. I have found that my lack – and it is rather laughable as I have recently had some “extra” money so have bought things – of having to have money makes me an enigma to businesses. They all think money is the driver of ambition and by not letting it be, I become someone they cannot understand. It does help in negotiations.
I really think I need to remember to put coffee on the grocery list as I am not making much sense this morning.
You are successful! You are thriving! We just all bloom a bit differently and the world’s definitions have not caught onto that yet.
I don’t think anyone who has not suffered from economic insecurity knows how hard it is to do what you are doing in making sure the balance sheet includes those intangibles — the ones that last. Congratulations on having the inner toughness to do this. And yet it is something all of us should do, day to day — an “attitude of gratitude” for ourselves!
This post and comments seem to underscore how important this topic is for many of us—struggling to deal with the “real world,” and at the same time the world of soul and spirit. Perhaps success is the reconciling of these two masters.
And thanks to Aidan for that Shaw quote, I can relate.
I think this could well be one of my favourite of your posts. There were many little tidbits I took from it, lessons to learn for my own life, ironically as we face a few of our own financial hurdles. Of course we should measure our worth beyond wealth, sometimes it’s not so easy to do. I loved this: Transforming “surviving” into “thriving.” That’s precisely what so many of us are trying to do in so many different ways. I think it could be dubbed the motherhood motto. But I also love your message about your life being “Rich in experiences of loving, learning, traveling, and creating.” If only we could be better at measuring based on those qualities. We’d find ourselves to be rich indeed!