Miraculous.
May I say that again? Miraculous. My teenager came home from five days away – rested, smiling, and talking.
Okay. So it doesn’t qualify as a miracle, but after several friction-filled weeks and a series of dreadful all-nighters just prior to Spring Break, I’m happy to report that the kid who walked through the door is one I recognize. No snapping. Less grunting. Not disappearing into his room. And all it took was a cheap-cheap trip to a Florida beach, with friends.
He wanted that break. And he needed it.
Everyone needs a little vacation
Who doesn’t need a change from the routine, whatever that entails? Even if you adore your job, even if your family is the best part of the breath you take each morning – a little vacation from the day-to-day is an enforced emptying of the brain – its checklists and worries, the puzzle pieces of a jammed schedule, the daily dramas that wear you down.
Of course, vacations may wind up as a series of headaches when things don’t go as planned, defying the very purpose of getting away. And when kids are involved? Planning – and doing – can seem like a nightmare. Or a pipe dream. Yet I have successfully traveled overseas with my children, repeatedly, and eventually you get it down to a science.
Then there’s adolescence. Is there anything that prepares us, really? Once kids are teens, not only do they need a break from us, but we need a break from them.
Gimme a break! (Getting out of your own head)
When is the last time you gave yourself a break? Not just from your job or your kids or your worries, but from yourself?
- Do you have a constant, critical inner voice – one that tells you that there’s more to get done, or do it all better, or it’s never enough?
- Is your body talking to you, telling you to slow down, or possibly the opposite – to get up and move around?
- Is your routine so tightly scheduled that the thought of taking time off is as stressful as the reality of not doing so?
Many of us, women in particular, are terribly hard on ourselves. About everything. Our relationships. Our parenting. Our performance at work. Our appearance. We would never think to chide or deride others in the way we do to ourselves. And as for listening to our body’s rhythms? We tend to put everyone else first, leaving our own needs low on the priority list.
Not so? Alright then, I’ll speak for myself. I do all these things. I’ve learned to do them less, but I plead guilty to critical inner voices that become destructive when allowed to run rampant. And when do I quell the voices and their insistent expectations on my performance? When I take a break. Usually, that requires leaving my house, my familiar turf. Traveling.
The benefits of a break
While my son was away, I worried only about myself. That is rare. In fact, it’s been more than a year since I had several days alone. How did I spend that time? Writing. Sleeping. Eating mindfully. (Oh, that word! How overused!)
I also took a short walk each day. I savored my morning coffee. (Yes, I even ticked things off my Spring Break checklist!)
I didn’t realize how much I needed a few days off.
From parenting.
My son arrived home looking taller (again), clearly relaxed, and speaking in entire sentences. (Insert sigh of relief here.) We discussed options for summer, college applications, his ability to explore whatever field he chooses – practical or seemingly less so.
And then he asked how I was feeling.
Any teens in your household? Do they ever ask how you’re feeling?
Parents taking a break
The fact that my son asked how I am is a clear sign that his vacation was just what the doctor ordered.
The Florida sunshine. The beach. No alarm clock, no deadlines, no interaction with me. He had stepped outside of his own head. He was calm, considerate, polite.
I told him I was feeling better. Much better.
During my son’s days away, I didn’t hop a flight to cross the Atlantic, or zip to a city I love that’s an hour or two away. I never left my neighborhood, yet I feel as though I’ve been on a vacation of my own. I also accomplished some necessary tasks. I may not have soaked in a tub (why didn’t I put it on the list?), but I feel as if I have. My kid needed his break. And I needed mine.
Those breaks are so important. Glad you both benefited from this one.
I also find with teens, that when we have time apart we come together that much better afterwards. And that doesn’t stop. Each time my 2 older ones come home from college, I feel the connection is stronger and it gives me faith for the future when they’ll really be gone except for visits.
I’m so glad you got this break, both of you.
What a wonderful young man he sounds like!
And glad you’re feeling better.
Nicki and Maureen – you two are (young) pros at this, I know. And yes indeed – breaks are few and far between, but oh-so-good!
He asked you how you were feeling?!? GET OUTTA TOWN! Wow. I’m impressed.
I think you both really needed that break. Glad he’s stopped speaking in grunts and sighs.
Well, TKW, let’s say that the grunts and sighs have disappeared for now. I fully expect they will resume within a week of the school workload. But hey, he’s a teenager. It’s in the job description.
So glad you got the chance for a break; you’ve definitely earned it!
Glad you and your teenager had time to rest and recharge (re-think, re-position, re-lax, re-invigorate, re-etc,). Makes the world a brighter/lighter place. You (and your teenager) deserve it. Now back to it. Re-energized!
Have fun,
Jim
I hope I’m going to remember all of this when my little one becomes the dreaded T word.
I already feel like I need a vacation every day, even when I only have a toddler. I’m either ill-equipped for this, or I’m training for what’s ahead.
Toddlers and teens have a lot in common, Justine. 🙂
I rarely get a full day away from both of my children at the same time, so when they are gone for a full night, it feels so luxurious. I usually wind up wasting it because it takes me at least 24 hours to settle into being kid-free and by that time they’re home.
I’ve never understood parents who refuse to let their children be away from them for awhile. The relaxation and rejuvenation makes for a much happier home!
It sounds like you’ve raised a compassionate young man to care about others…good job, BLW. Yes, we do all need a break. Hubby is having one this week which means I sorta get one but not really.
Yes, yes, yes. You know my love/hate with the routine. A break, a real break, is so good for the soul. It’s a great feeling to relax, rejuvenate, and return with fresh perspective. Just amazing.
Which, of course, reminds me that I haven’t nailed down dates for summer vacation, which might be the Great Western Road Trip, or might just be renting a cabin on the North Shore (Lake Superior) and unplugging. I *will* deal with this – you’ve motivated me!
Nice vacation possibilities, Eva. And yes, the break is so helpful. Everyone is breathing more easily. @Kelly – I’m not a helicopter mom. I think it’s good for kids to get away from their parents for a bit. It lets them exercise some independence. @Suzicate – no argument from me on a good kid!
I need a break too!!!!! Sunning on a beach sounds perfect.
I am in desperate need of time away. Not sure when I am going to get it, but soon, I hope. A good vacation makes a tremendous difference.
I’ve seen coptermom kids become fully disjointed and non-functioning without their life drill sergeant to keep them on task. Freshman year can be a beast for a kid who grew up with a parent hovering over them making sure every practice was attended, every homework assignment done on time and every curfew met without the need of ever developing a sense of personal discipline. What looks like a freshman year feast of freedom turns out to be an uncontrolled unraveling and early college burnout. Kids really need the experience of developing their own discipline and drive.
Sounds like being raised by a wolf may have its merits.
BTW, BLW, I haven’t been such a regular in leaving comments, but I have been watching this blog since its inception. And, speaking of discipline, yours has been phenomenal. I suspect the average life of a blog is probably about three to four posts. Your commitment to this project is thoroughly professional. The wide variety of topics is remarkable for a blog that so precisely targets its audience. You are a very amazing writer. Thanks for putting it up on the web daily. Many readers take a lot of sustenance and comfort from what you have to say. And you never resort to stroking the reader’s ego. You go right for the id. <-;
Thank you, Timmy. Very kind words. (Care to be my publicist? 🙂 )
This post resonates with me on so many levels. We all need breaks. Even from the things we do that we love most. Like parenting. Yes, we women are so very hard on ourselves. I fit that bill exactly. And when I take those breaks that I so need, I feel guilty for doing so. But these words here remind me of the universality of the need to rest, relax, and recharge. So thank you.
Good for you, getting this break. Wow.
I couldn’t have read this post on a better day. I spent my 4 hour break today (my little ones are in preschool on Fridays) in a funk because I need a break so much bigger than my 4 hours that I couldn’t even enjoy what I had. HELP, BIGLITTLEWOLF! How does one stretch 4 hours to meet the desperate need to recharge?
PS: I read your post yesterday as well and am still in awe of your writing. I wanted to comment, but was completely intimidated. You should be writing features for magazines, woman!
You can do a lot with 4 hours, CK! (Amber – where’s that post on all the things you can do with a few hours?) Some of it depends on what’s nearby and what you enjoy and what you NEVER get to do. For me, 5 days of not having to drive here, there, everywhere and cook and “actively worry” was a huge break. Just that. But some of the other things I love, to unwind – sit in a coffee shop and watch, and write. Wander a bookstore, pick an aisle, a book, sit on the floor and look or read. Walk the mall – have a makeup artist “do me” for free. Try perfume. Sit in a mall and people watch. Take a walk with a book to a park. Really simple things. Slightly nomadic, even if it’s all within a 5 mile radius of home.
What do you love to do that feels like you have no time? (And thank you for that lovely compliment. 🙂 )
BLW, last summer my son went away for 3 1/2 weeks to camp. Oh my god, that was awful. It was so great seeing him again – for about the first hour. Then he started thinking about all the things he could worm out of me because of my horrible mistake in sending him to camp for so long (video games, etc.) and, that was it. Home sweet home.
Linda, they do know how to work us, don’t they!
It was wonderful that you supported his desire to have a bit of fun, and that you were able to step back and take some time just to be. Life with teenagers is intense and can be draining — but seeing them grow and become adults is exciting, isn’t it? I hear both in your post.
I love that you put my name into here. : )
As I was reading CK’s comment I immediately thought about that guest post you wrote. The links are http://makingthemomentscount.wordpress.com/2010/03/24/alone-time-me-no-way/ for part 1 and http://makingthemomentscount.wordpress.com/2010/03/25/alone-time-specifics/ for part 2. Hope that helps, CK! Wolf is not only a talented writer, but fantastic mother.
Parenting is a profession. All professions (or mostly all) have vacation time. I believe that parents also need a vacation. Unfortunately, this may not always be feasible. I know in my case, my little guy couldn’t go for more than a couple hours without me. So, I am working on my list of things I can do within that time frame. Thankfully, Wolf, you provided me with plenty of ideas. I will be using them. Then I will blog about it.
I hope we’re still blogging when my son is a teenager. Because I need you and your wisdom! I’m so glad to hear you both had a chance to breathe. Also, I’ve been on the edge of my seat to know … How did the prom re-ask go?? (Or did it?)
Ah, the prom re-ask! That was the first half of this little tale. (The Monday Complaint Department, as it were… ) Well. The “re-ask” never took place. Which is part of why that entire week before Spring Break was so rough, both on my kid, and me. He spent the whole weekend working on the elaborate project, including the roses that sat partly in the fridge, partly in water with chemical preservative on the kitchen counter, and the time he spent on that (did not finish) threw off the entire week’s schedule, thus the all-nighters, thus his zombie-ness, thus my having to deal with it, thus my being up some of those nights, thus my major irritation at the money I’d given him (down the drain) for the roses, etc. (is my irritation still showing?) – and – the roses finally bit the dust later in the week, still wrapped, never appreciated.
Who wants that?
Despite never being able to re-ask, she is still going with him. I doubt she has any idea he went to so much trouble to try to please her. They share some classes, so she had many of the same tight deadlines as he did, and tests and projects all week.
An “up” note: the kid has no suit that fits, and buying one is out of the question. But, he won a random drawing for a free tux rental! We went out one of the evenings before break to pick it out and get him fitted. So, he will be going to prom in a tux, with vest and tie coordinated to her outfit (she told him the colors). Prom is in a few weeks. You can bet I’ll have words to say! 🙂
I love this post! Love!
And I’m envious. So envious. Not of your son and his Florida sunshine, but of YOU and your days alone in your home. If I could have any wish, that would be it. I want to be alone in my home. If I really had my wish, I would want every dish and towel washed prior to my family leaving. Everything neatly in its place so I didn’t feel like I had to CLEAN while they were gone. Instead, that I could read, eat, nap, lounge, read, write, nap, lounge, eat….alone. In silence. In quiet. ALONE.
AHHH. I’m glad you both got a break.
Ah, Sarah. Yes. Alone in one’s own house. And I, too, dream of one day having it clean.
This post is so true and thank you for the reminder. I get along swimmingly with my teens, (I know!) But doesn’t mean we don’t need a break from each other once in a while. Good for your son and it sounds like he is a great kid. And glad you found some down time too
Hear, hear to Timmy’s words of praise!
And I’m with Sarah: the idea of spending time alone in my house seems almost too good to be true. I don’t mean to wish away these magical moments with my wee ones, but I wouldn’t mind a few magical moments with a book and a glass of wine while their dad and they were out on the town!
Yes! I need a break, desperately. I took off last Friday and Monday to take care of Peanut while parents were out of town. With visions of doing nothing but enjoying my grandchild, Friday was spent packing for the weekend trip to watch College Girl play golf. It takes an entire day to pack for a trip with a toddler. And Monday was spent grading/editing papers (I’m an adjunct instructor at the local J-school) literally from 9am until midnight. Tuesday brought mini fires at my day job. Back to the old grind.
Yes, a vacation is necessary. Preferably one by myself.
I am all for women taking solo vacations. (I think we need them, badly.)