Life in a split second
One split second, and everything changes. One glance away while driving. One decision, in a professional context. Perhaps one yes, or a single steadfast no. And you aren’t yet aware of the repercussions. Who hasn’t uttered a careless remark or acted in haste and lived to regret it?
Do we ever fully realize the ripple effects of what we choose, of what we sow, of what chooses us – regardless of intentions?
One teen girl with a beautiful smile, and peer pressure. She is 17 and knows that she is pretty. She is asked to prom by a boy who dares to do so, who takes a brave step in the asking, and is thrilled with the outcome. He is vulnerable and funny. She is sweet, and accepts.
Then peer pressure kicks in, or perhaps a whim, or a set of expectations that result from unseen insecurity, or possibly entitlement. The reasons? Who knows. But friends say “He can do better. Make him ask him again, with something more.”
There is no time for this, no budget for this, no energy for this. And I, as the parent, will bear at least as many consequences as my son, now convinced he must do better in asking a girl to prom.
The Butterfly Effect
One small act may spark an extraordinary expanse of repercussions. In physics, the Butterfly Effect posits exactly this, as part of Chaos Theory – that the slight movements of a butterfly in Brazil can ultimately set off a tornado in Texas. We are speaking literally, hypothetically, and metaphorically. We are points and threads in interconnected systems. Each is intricate and interdependent – physical, emotional, behavioral. One human’s small act can precipitate a chain reaction of considerable proportions, affecting all manner of people and situations.
As for a yes, a no, a “do over” issued like a clarion call to the young heart, on the receiving end of a fluttering of feminine wings?
I can’t begin to enumerate the extent of the consequences, but they are many. Immediate, and longer term.
Ripple Effects
It has been a week of tangible and tricky ripple effects – a widening circle of tremors fanning outward and growing stronger. Each day has barely contained the shape of these impacts; we would need a seismograph to measure the shaky starts to morning, the scheduling issues of afternoon, the exhaustion of evening. And then there is the cycle of middle-of-the-night in all its beleaguered sleeplessness. And the arguments that ensue.
My son used his time poorly last weekend – and I allowed it. Precious hours were poured into an uncompleted idea to “re-ask” a girl to prom, according to her request. Or more specifically, at the instigation of her friends as I’ve now heard the tale. His elaborate scheme of a scavenger hunt and rose-covered puzzle pieces, and ultimately more flowers yielded a jammed and frantic week of running around town, expenditures we cannot afford, and vital hours lost, that were needed for serious tasks: projects, exams, homework, summer program applications.
This is junior year; these grades are critical for GPA, critical for college, critical for merit scholarships.
We are now into multiple days of overlapping late assignments, all-nighters, bad moods, disagreements. Not only is my son impacted; my schedule has been disrupted, my sleep as well and thus my health, my time-sensitive tasks with limited energy. And his grades have been put at risk.
These are tough lessons – for both of us. I made a choice – to allow him to own his judgment call, his time management. He made the wrong choice; I misjudged in permitting him to do so.
Think before you speak
Think before you speak. It is an adage with monumental merit. Words are powerful – as motivators, as weapons, and potentially, they may unleash a Butterfly Effect that cannot be anticipated.
When you speak kindly, the flutter of your verbal wings may dispatch circles of positivity. When you lash out in anger through words, you leave a scar. When you criticize or dismiss someone’s efforts (“he can do better”), you undermine, whether intended or not.
Meanwhile, it is only Wednesday. Our list of consequences continues to snowball, accumulating mass and speed, and the eventual, cumulative impacts, as yet unknown.
Roses in a vase
Spray roses remain on the kitchen counter. There’s been no time to deal with them. No time to tie them in a satin ribbon, and to present them to the girl for whom they were intended.
She is young, and inexperienced. My son is young, and did what he thought he had to, in order to please.
As women, as wives, as mothers, as girls – should we not respond to the value of the man, the husband, the father, the boy – rather than the value of a public token in its place?
Our tiny worlds are interconnected; the slightest movement of one of us will impact another. As tens of thousands of butterflies stretch their wings, newly formed, ready to emerge from their cocoons, what shall we teach them? To gain the wisdom of their power quickly? To wield it kindly?
My heart goes out to your boy, who is being manipulated by feminine wiles. Re-ask?! Too bad there wasn’t someone else waiting in the wings so he could have told her he’d changed his mind. Girls like this will be trouble for men the rest of their lives. Don’t beat yourself up over his mismanagement of time. It’s a life lesson he’ll learn and be wiser for it. As a parent of two daughters, I would have kicked their little a** if they’d treated someone that way. But we live in a superficial culture. Style over substance. Appearances are everything. We do have a responsibility to teach our children the art of basic respect and kindness. Very hard to do when TV and movies plant the seeds of otherwise in their heads.
Your position on words and their effects struck home today. Harsh, insensitive, judgmental words were spoken to me today and I’m having a hard time letting go and moving past it. The hurt is deep as they were from someone close. The event has all but ruined my day and saddened my heart.
You make me think, too, Lisa. I know there are days when I’ve slept so little and have so much on my mind that anger comes out, and it’s not intended. I really try to watch that, to not do it, and I know what it is to be on the receiving end of harsh words, even if they were tossed out casually or carelessly. It feels awful.
I hope you’ll be able to let it go, at least a bit, and put it in perspective. We all need to remember that our words can cradle each other, or hurt – even if unintentionally.
BLW,
Each day I read your posts and they mesmorize me. They make me think. I laugh, I cry and at times your situation and mine mirror each other. I don’t comment often as sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Words don’t flow freely for me.
I have a 15 year old daughter and to be honest, would be so disappointed if she made a young man ask her twice to the prom. As a parent, I hope I have raised her to listen to her own voice, and not of her friends. But, she is still young and I know peer pressure will happen.
Linda, thank you for your kind words. I imagine being on the reading end, my life must seem like a roller coaster constantly navigating hair pin turns, though there have been too few “highs” for a long time. Still, even with a very bumpy week (and more to go), I’m proud of my son for having the confidence to ask this girl to the prom. And oddly, I think it says something about him that he went to all that trouble to try to do something more elaborate to please her. He’s quite considerate of others’ feelings. (Says the mother who just returned from the 20-mile drive to the tuxedo rental store, aforementioned very tired son now at a 2-hour piano lesson, and then with another long night ahead.)
I know what you mean about hoping we raise them to listen to their own voice. But 15, 16 – oh so hard. Remember? Everything feels just out of reach, and not quite like it fits. (Happy to not be a teenager any more, aren’t you?)
Prom. Ugh. Has there ever been a prom with only positive associations to it?? Mine were filled with angst and negativity as well. Must be the combination of teenagers and hormones and formality. I hate that your boy is wrapped up in it, and I hope a few butterflies start flapping their wings the other direction to reverse some of the chaos you’re in the midst of.
Que votre fils parle franchement avec cette fille, sans ses autres amies! Elles se mêlent de tout, non?
Je ne sais pas ce qui se passe en ce moment, tellement la vie déborde pour mon fils. Mais, il m’a dit qu’elle portera une robe grise, et donc, elle voulait qu’il le sache pour que son costume aille bien avec. . . Cela veut dire qu’ils vont ensemble toujours – sans tout cet effort absurde. D’après ce qu’il dit, elle est très sympa, une copine; il est bien possible qu’il s’agisse entièrement de peer pressure. Mais quelle folie.
Whoa! One of those days, yes? But it will be better tomorrow. What do we tell them (when we’re done worrying?) To guide themselves by being kind, honest and generous. To understand that mistakes will happen and to forgive them (both in themselves and others). To learn from mistakes and give themselves time to grow and focus on their unique abilities and contributions. That said, tell them it will be better tomorrow.
Yep. Scarlett O’Hara. 🙂
So, I’m not sure of the outcome; did she think he finally did it right and are they going?
I just asked my sophomore daughter if she has heard of this “asking correctly” ritual, since other readers the other day seemed to be familiar with it. She thought (thank goodness) it was ridiculous and had never heard of such a thing (she’s big on the latest fads of her age…here anyway). Maybe cuz we’re an island we’ve escaped this particular craze. I know prom is a big deal, even here, but I’m so sorry your son, and YOU, have to go thru this obvious Crap.
Well, if not for the afternoon spent in the interesting tuxedo rental process (I didn’t go through this with my elder) – what little information I have is that they are going. He never did a re-ask, to my knowledge. The kid has been pulling all-nighters since Sunday, with occasional afternoon naps and then straight back into schoolwork which is very heavy right now. Our conversations have consisted of my questions, his grunts, snarls, and grimaces. Not to mention raising his voice to me (rare), which elicits a piercing stare from me, and then an apology from him. (Any of this sound familiar to parents of teens??)
To answer your question – the $ and time spent on the proposed re-ask was basically wasted. She is still planning on attending prom with him. Did he say something to her? I have no idea. He’s been a bear and I have kept my questions to a minimum, and leave him his privacy generally speaking.
Jeez. Is this Peyton Place for the pimply set, or what??
And incidentally, my elder still fit a suit he had. He wore black skinny jeans from France, a black suit jacket, and he tie-dyed a white shirt multi-colored, and then wore a tie to match the dress of the girl he went with. Oh. And his black Nike high-tops.
Um… could two kids be more different? (Where are the six-kid parents in this conversation? Nicki – how did you survive all those proms? I swear – you’re my hero.)
Well, as far as I’m concerned, he no longer has to take her because didn’t she basically say no? I know, I’m being too harsh. But I do grieve for this girl’s inability to make her own decisions. Sounds like she needs to talk to you a little more!
It’s all so high school, isn’t it? She has her dress. We’ve now ordered his tux. They’re going, or I’m shipping him off to boot camp. Or her. Or both of them.
(Maybe Christian Louboutin Boot Camp, so if I ever let him back in the house, I’d get something cool out of the deal?)
I’m so glad my teen daughter doesn’t play shitty games like that. She’s going to her senior prom with a carload of girls. They decided they aren’t even going to wait for boys to ask them. These girls are attractive, smart, athletic, confident, college- and ivy-bound. Maybe the boys are intimidated by her and her friends, and those boys end up playing games with girls who think they are entitled. Who knows. Hope all works out for the best.
Sounds to me like your daughter and her friends have the right idea!
I would hope, if my daughter had the nerve to do that, the guy would tell her never mind. I would probably advise my son to do the same. I hate when girls try to be manipulative or high maintenance.
About the time I hit dating age we moved to a place where all dance asking out were intricate plans. Even the answers to the intricate ask out had to be a whole elaborate affair. Even in the midst of it I always thought it a bit over the top. Why not just ask? (Although I’ll have to admit, it was also a bit fun- I would never have requested to be asked out that way, though).
Having been geeky-nerdy, I didn’t go to prom. Wasn’t asked (boo hoo), and friends didn’t go then. Especially the geeky-nerdy crowd. Looking back, I would’ve been happy to have been asked by anyone nice – geeky, nerdy, jock, cool kid. Just not the stoners. They weren’t my thing.
🙂
“Our list of consequences continues to snowball, accumulating mass and speed, and the eventual, cumulative impacts, as yet unknown.” That pretty much sums up my days right now.
As for your son, this girl, even you, these are all life lessons. Ones we have to go through in order to learn. There usually is no other way.
I hope things calm down for you guys soon.
We’re approaching midnight. He’s headed for another all-nighter, or near all-nighter. And tomorrow night as well.
Is this the effect of all this stupid reality TV on this teenage generation? Too many marriage proposals in front of stadiums of onlookers so that now even date requests for proms must be public and intricate?
Good point, Linda. Could be.
Wow, good for you. I know it’s crazy for him to have to re-ask, but how cool that you did it for him. He’ll always remember it.
I love the connection you draw to the idea of chaos theory. I remember a teaching colleague once comparing a single line e-mail from a parent to the butterfly effect: one tossed-off question that fanned out and caused a dozen teachers, coaches, and administrators to scurry around for days. Both that anecdote and your son’s experience are powerful reminders to do as you say: think before you speak (or, well, press send).
That’s a wonderful example in the “real world.” It happens among friends, in academic circles, in businesses. All the time.
I didn’t get asked to prom because I opted to home school my last two years of high school. I don’t think I missed out on anything, my life has gone on. My point? This girl’s (ahem I mean her friends) singular focus might also bring about ripples in her future. When she looks back, will she look back with joy? With anger? With laughter? With pain? Will this sense of entitlement make her struggle more through the anguish of life? Yes, big and broad and based on a mere assumption. I have noticed, though, that those people I knew who focused so much on the “glim glam” of high school really had a hard time when it came for transitioning to the adult world. Or maybe I’m just too hard on them. (Or maybe it’s been a bad day. All possible reasons.)
Ah BLW! I have had “life happening” and been very behind on my blog reading and writing. The news I have for you will make you cringe. I have been through four college formals, two Heart Association balls, one wedding attendant with three more to come – two of those this summer – and seven proms to date. I love them, hate the costs.
I still have, hanging on my bedroom door because they take up way too much room in the closet, two prom dresses – average costs $300 (one more, one less but not by much), each worn only once. I had a male friend ask why I keep them. While, unless I can sell them, I am not giving away that much money.
I have one pair of rental shoes – black and white – which we claimed as lost and paid the $40 fee to keep as #5 wanted them for dance. He then paid to have leather half soles put on so the rubber didn’t curtail his dance movements. He is a swing dancer.
I have had two of the boys – the big boys which means #1 and #2 – go to more than their own prom. Each went to another school’s prom with a friend of a friend. Those are the ones that really annoyed me. First, #1 went as a 9th grader to a senior prom. It was arranged through a friend at church. It was a disaster. It did not, though, taint his desire to go to his own prom. #2 went to his second prom after a year of college. A friend of a friend needed a date.
To top all of this off, I have worked the After Prom Party – an alcohol- and drug-free party that is free every year since 2003. The party starts at 12:30 am so as to allow all to change out of prom clothing. It goes until 5:30 or 6 am. Some years I have stayed the entire time. Some years I have stayed until 3. The party is free. There are inflatable obstacle courses and other inflatable items. There is usually a hypnotist. There is a caricaturist, massage therapists. There is food. This is a huge undertaking as every member of the graduating class – not those who attend from other schools or are not seniors – gets a prize of some sort.
Well, I guess there is my blog post for the day. LOL!
All I can say is omg omg omg. I still don’t know how you do it / have done it and remain sane. And with powers of reasoning and communication intact. (And I know the costs are continuing. I really must re-oil the currency printing press so it cranks it up (and the bucks out) much faster.)
We do the best we can with our children and then we set them free. I’m sure you are no longer beating yourself up over this and know it won’t be the last time something bizarre happens. A close friend of mine, who is a 5th grade teacher, says the group of girls who came up with my son were the meanest girls she’d ever seen in 25 years of teaching. He made it out not only alive but mannerly and kind. Yours will too. Girls and boys, just be glad we’re not playing at that level any longer!