Just in. (9:18 Eastern, 3/2/10). 
Weird News reports that a diminutive middle-aged woman, name withheld by authorities, was found pinned by a Latvian teen, slumped over on patio furniture behind a small suburban home in a sleepy southern city. Apparently, following a late-night rock fest, nosy neighbors called the police.
The two were discovered lying among an inordinate amount of discarded candy wrappers and fast food containers indicating consumption of Kit Kats, Butterfingers, Krispy Kremes, and more than three dozen Big Macs. They appeared to be comatose, and the woman sustained minor injuries when the large Latvian keeled over on top of her.
Doctors at the Emergency Room treated the pair with piping coffee, and an IV drip for the 4’11” woman, at first thought to be suffering some sort of strange aphasic episode. She was heard repeating alternating refrains of “Murphy, Murphy, please no more” and “Latvia kicked that Murphy’s ass.”
Local public school officials and police officers pieced together the story with the assistance of the woman’s teenage son. It appears that the single mother of two, after an extended period of what her son refers to as “tough times,” feels beholden to the 17-year old, and bestowed upon him an undisclosed amount of American junk food by way of thanks, during an impromptu teenage gathering. As neither she nor the Latvian exchange student had homework, they remained outside talking and eating while the other revelers retired earlier to Calculus, Theory of Knowledge, and Faulkner.
The woman was clutching a black bracelet around her wrist at the time she was brought to the ER. It was strung with small stones, and delicate threads of silver tightly wound around a black cord.
According to investigators, the beads are in fact Latvian dzintars, and the bracelet is assumed to be the equivalent of a 1960s frat pin. This token was given to the woman by the young man some 24 hours before, on Day 5 of his stay with her family.
While neighbors wagged their fingers and clucked their tongues, no laws or city ordinances were broken, and no charges have been filed at this time. The 6’1″ Baltic State former teen rock sensation appears to have suffered no permanent damage and swore to authorities to limit his sugar consumption for the remainder of his American stay.
The woman and Latvian student were released to the custody of the sanest member of the household, her 16-year old son, who told authorities he would lock up the sweets, but he couldn’t bear to take the bracelet away from his mother, who was now convinced that their guest was actually a lucky Leprechaun from Limerick, and that the dzintars – amber, formed of tree resin, containing minute bits of fossilized insects – possessed magical powers and brought good fortune. 
Under questioning by school officials, the foreign student admitted that his host mother had invited him to remain indefinitely, and he describes their family as “atypical Americans, fun,” and he insists he “does not mind sleeping in the closet.”
A third teen male, age 18, is expected to arrive on the scene in a matter of days. “All hell is going to break loose,” stated an unnamed source. Paparazzi are rumored to be staking out the residence, particularly as March 17 approaches.
LMAO! Love it, BLW!
Hahaha. Gotta love those Krispy Kremes. Did your IV drip have caffeine in it?
Ah DM. Dontcha know it. Caffeine drip. Is there any other?
Hilarious! Glad to hear you’re having a good time with the visitor.
Like many of your stories, I expect there are huge chunks of truth embedded in this, which of course, makes it all that much funnier!
You betcha. 🙂
OMG, I am laughing so hard. I had no idea what you were referring to as the Latvian in your closet on my post since I hadn’t gotten by here yet. I scooted right over, and I am glad I did. I needed that deep belly chuckle today! I think I need some donuts, kit kats, etc…
Ah Suzicate. Yes. Chocolate. Known to induce coma in excess. Critical tool in parenting. And clearly, globally recognized as the language of L-O-V-E.
Oh, this is so funny!
Sounds like a very good time is being had by all. I knew it would!
You did know it Maureen! You definitely called it. And it’s been wonderful so far. He feels like one of the family. (Now what does that say about him… hmm… to fit into “this” family is a plus for some, and something else again for others.)
You witty little minx! This sounds like great fun! You obviously are charming that Baltic giant. He’s already giving you jewelry! I like him already.
Amazing what lengths teenage boys will go to, just to be fed. Including junk food.
Hilarious! I think everyone wants an invite to the next party at your house.
Just brilliant. I laughed out loud and still have a smile from ear to ear. Love this tale of the magical powers of sugar and amber – talk about a Latvian Lucky Charm!
Your formula for success worked like a charm! Chaos can be a wonderful thing — part of the whole tapestry that produces creativity!
Keep it up.
And get an invite to Latvia…
Found your site today by your comment on my sister’s blog (SuziCate). I must admit that comment about the Latvian teen living in your closet intrigued me so I had to check it out. ROFLMAO. You are very clever. Loved this and I will be back!
Hi Peg, and welcome. (Just went and peeked at your kid pics. Cool.) Please do stop back. We have all manner of interesting creatures in our home. Not just in the closets.
This is too funny! I love your creative take on every day events. So very, very entertaining!
I had a Latvian BIL and they can smother bigger than this; he must have been a starter.
Well, BLW, it sounds like the Latvian has livened things up over there! He doesn’t mind sleeping in the closet! I’m glad you’ve resorted to the standard American diet of Krispy Kremes and candy bars…
Ha! To be perfectly accurate, it is a storage closet and has been reconfigured into a tiny bedroom. (I have a picture somewhere.). I has a bed, built in shelves and poles to hang clothing, a small table, two lamps, a vent for A/C and heat, and lots of art on the walls! It’s small, but it has housed plenty of teenagers over the past year. And they all seem to sleep well in there! And our Latvian guest really has been a pleasure.
This post? Makes me smile.
Thinking about you and your little house brimming with teen boys? Makes me smile.
Pretty much everything about you makes me smile.
That is all.
hahahaha, glad you’re having such a good time! Hate to imagine the withdrawal!
Oh BLW, such a unique life you lead! First of all, did they have to use the term Middle Aged Woman in the title!!!! Could have said, single mom of two found covered in Sugary Cream and Latvian. Now that is a title!
Barry, Barry, Barry – yes! My life is the stuff of legend! (Sadly, the “they” who write headlines you mention would be “moi,” which might explain why, during my titillating tenure freelancing for our city newspaper, 95% of my headlines were re-written. But I hope, at least, you got the double entendre of “pinned” by the Latvian! Oh my… who will I hide in my closet when he leaves??)
🙂