Are you part of a non-traditional couple? Committed or married, but not actually living in the same residence as your partner?
Living together can be tough. Very tough.
I’m reminded of an early episode of Sex and the City, in which Sarah Jessica Parker’s Carrie asks her love interest, Mr. Big, what his ideal living arrangement is. “This,” he says, lying next to her in bed. “You have your place, I have mine.”
Yes, it’s television. And yes, they were early in their on-again-off-again romance of many years. But is the former Carrie-Big rooming arrangement for you? If you’re exclusive, engaged, or even married?
I was perusing one of my favorite French sites last night, and came across this article on couples who live together, separately. Huh? So how does that work exactly?
Recent study on family living arrangements
According to the study, some 10% of French couples are successfully living apart. They are not cohabiting.
The article cites several issues as factors in this sort of arrangement, with both the young (18 – 25) and those who have divorced (including 40+) seeking more independence. That means not sharing an address, even as a committed couple.
Of course, in American society, living together (without marriage) remains problematic for many. Then is living together – separately – what we’re actually doing in a relationship? Nights together, a drawer or two, but no consolidation under one roof?
The French study implies that couples are increasingly choosing this route. Taking time to ease into marriage (without cohabiting first), and with professional considerations playing an even more significant role.
Sex and the City, French style?
I think of Carrie and Big again, of his preference, if not hers, for separate addresses. He wasn’t ready for something more serious at the time. This, however, is something else.
In our go-where-the-job-is society, is it inevitable that living separately will become more commonplace, whether we like it or not? Is the economy at the root of committed couples who retain separate residences?
If you each have a good job but in different cities, or even states, can you afford to uproot and upset the financial apple cart? Will threatening professional stability throw off the relationship dynamic, or will you crumble as a couple if you aren’t under the same roof? And what about children in remarriage scenarios?
Separate households vs separation
Perhaps your fiancé cannot move, or you can’t. For some, traveling jobs keep partners apart. But with all the communication methods available, that doesn’t mean out of touch or out of luck.
Can any serious relationship be sustained if you’re separated frequently, or for long periods? What if you’re living together – separately? Each retaining your own apartment or home, even if nearby? Are there advantages, particularly if you’re older, or you both have demanding careers?
The French article does not address the issue of children; certainly, that complicates things. In this country, it could be part of the reason for such an arrangement. But purely in terms of relationship, do you find this a surprising trend? Or predictable, as society changes?
- Would your relationship survive a prolonged period of living under separate roofs?
- Can you imagine circumstances in which it would be your preference?
- What about jealousy? Mistrust?
What do you think? Are arrangements like these unrealistic, pragmatic, or a growing socioeconomic reality?
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Oh, dear BLW, this is my reality and will be for at least the next 8 years when my fiance’s youngest child graduates high school. We both have shared custody of our children (4 girls between us), don’t want to uproot them from their current communities, and want to remain physically present in their lives. So, we have no choice but to contain the arrangement we’ve had in the 3 years we’ve been together, after we’re married in March. We see each other at least 2 weekends out of each month, more over major and minor holidays, summers, and school vacations.
Jealousy and mistrust…I haven’t found it to be any different than any other relationship. Trust is built, earned. I believe that if someone really wants to cheat, they will regardless of where they live in proximity to their partner.
This arrangement would never be our preference, but we’ve made our peace with it, and I will say that I believe our relationship benefits in some ways from the distance. We truly value our time together and don’t take it for granted. The doldrums that seem to be inevitable in relationships never have time to set in with us. Of course we argue and we do manage to get on each other’s nerves, even in a short amount of time, but the distance is like a pressure valve that helps relieve some of the tension.
The distance also forces us to be very purposeful and focused in terms of planning and communication. Sharing a life in two different states takes effort, and working together in this regard has really solidified our partnership and our friendship. We definitely miss each other, a lot, but we try to channel that longing and frustration into intensity, passion, and fun when we are together. It feels good to be missed and appreciated.
I thought of you as I was reading this article last night, Deesha. And I do believe that people can make this work, and as in any relationship – truly committed relationship – there are pros and cons to whatever the living arrangements entail. I also think about military families, who have always had this situation to deal with, but they also have a community that serves as family, when spouses are away.
I worry about the lack of traditional community in this approach, and the growing isolation in our country, for too many of us – in relationships or not. But I do think the couples like you and your soon-to-be-husband will make this work. Successfully.
(And congrats again on the book! Fantastic news!)
I remember Katherine Hepburn saying that her idea of the perfect man was one who lived next door, so he could come visit for a while and then get the heck out. That is one wise and fierce dame.
I love my husband but he snores like a warthog. I’ve resisted having separate bedrooms, but I’m also kind of sick of being exhausted all the time.
Long distance relationships are probably very hard, for all of the reasons you’ve mentioned, and I wouldn’t want one of those. But, as Virginia Woolf posited, “A Room of One’s Own?” More sacred than we know.
My man and I live in separate cities, a 3 hour car drive apart. This situation is not likely to change any time in the near future, as we each have children from our previous marriages, in our home cities.
Most of the time, I have to say that this isn’t a horrible situation. Right now we see one another every other weekend, which is hard at times, but honestly, if we could bump that up to every weekend, I would be happy with the arrangement for a good while to come. I love him and I know that he loves me, but for right now, anyhow, having our space isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I read somewhere recently that long distance relationships actually don’t have any greater failure rate than “traditional” ones. So obviously there are lots of people out there who are making it work.
I think it’s imporant to remember that there are all kinds of relationships out there, and we each have to figure out what works best for us (or at least, what we are able to work with until the situation can change).
Thanks, BLW! And I totally meant “CONTINUE” our current arrangement, not contain it. Thanks for inspiring a blog post in me!
There was also an article about this in Time/Newsweek/something like that a year or so ago. I don’t know if I can track it down again, but it was about a NY couple where each kept their own apartment, had dinner together, and then said good night. They were really content with the arrangement (they were even legally wed), but they admitted it might become problematic if they decided to have children down the line.
You already know that I have no interest in pursuing any long-term relationship right now, but if I were to consider it, I think I’d prefer this. I’m far too set in my ways, and this sounds like a nice compromise since I wouldn’t be raising children with someone. If the girls are still around, I’d prefer it to remain just the 3 of us most of the time, and if they’re out on their own, I’m going to want to revel in some alone time!
I would rather have nightly spooning than to live separate with someone. If you’re living separate, you’re sort of just friends with benefits. No? Feminine energy is a wonderful thing, and if I’m coupling up with a woman I’d rather bring that into my house than call for it when the feeling strikes.
As you know, I am part of a traditional married couple replete with traditional living arrangements. But Husband and I lived in separate cities for five years before moving in together and eventually marrying.
I know that the statistics suggest that couples who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to divorce – and that some people’s ethics preclude it altogether – but living together afforded us a critical opportunity to make some compatibility checks that aren’t really possible when living apart.
In all things, people should do whatever they need to, to make things work. For us that was living far apart, living together, and then marrying.
My sister in law and her boyfriend are going to be doing this for at least 18 months, possibly longer, when she returns to Michigan to head up a marketing push. They just moved in together, too.
There was a segment in For Better or For Worse many years ago – after her mom dies, Ely’s dad remarries a woman who lives in the same apartment building. When they get back from their honeymoon, they both go home to their separate apartments. April asks Ely why they would do that. Ely replies, “because they are very smart people.”
An interesting question. I think you already know what I think about this. : )
I’d be curious at how they resolve their conflicts. Gottman, in his many years of research, found couples that were perfectly happy. The thing is, they avoided conflict. Yet, they loved each other. They didn’t feel upset. So, I wonder if this could be stretched to this research. These people need their space. They feel comfortable with their own surroundings. However, they love their partner/spouse. They just don’t need to be with them all the time. I can understand that. It is something I am beginning to feel, myself. Heck, my husband is gone all day long. I only see him at night. It is like we live this way already! Except that his home is school. Too bad for him.
So any thoughts on being recently separated and becoming roommates to raise 2yo?
I am struggling with this idea/choice for many reasons including economic, healthy co-parenting, and even re-building the relationship. I am a young woman who gave up her career to raise our beautiful miracle child. I am actively looking for daycare, work, and a network of support through this tough time since my family lives both on the west cost and southern coast and I reside in the New England. I have been getting some professional advice from both lawyers and psychiatrist. I think we could make it work temporarily,however I know for both myself and him included we still have feelings for each other. We are in couples counseling to try and manage a healthy co-parent relationship and to possibly mend our parting romantic relationship.
I’m glad you stopped by to read, and comment. Your situation is such a tough one, and parenting a child so young when you’re separated – it’s difficult under the best of circumstances.
I don’t feel equipped to give you suggestions. I will say you have my admiration – both of you – for really thinking about the co-parenting issues, as well as what’s best for the long run. I would suggest conversation with others in similar situations with little ones. There are likely groups on Facebook as well. Tell them about your situation, and ask for feedback on the issues.
I don’t know that any individual’s answer will be exactly what you need, but you may find plenty of perspectives that may be helpful.
Meanwhile, I hope you keep reading and commenting. And let us know how it’s going. Anytime.