(Wednesday, January 13, Center City, 6 a.m. EST.) An unidentified woman was found weeping and incoherent, muttering in French about Imelda Marcos, Carrie Bradshaw, and a litany of shoe designers. She was huddled in a ball, on the steps of Traffic Court, wearing a London Fog trench, La Perla lingerie, Jimmy Choo red satin pumps, and no other dress of any sort.
There was a notable lack of appropriate accessorizing.
A shocking lack of accessories
The woman was found bare-legged, without gloves, hat, or scarf in the 19 degree darkness, and clutching a Dell laptop to her chest. City employees reporting to work attempted to help her up, and offer her shelter. She allegedly became agitated, according to security guard, Cray Z. Shue, a longtime civil servant.
She was heard muttering My lover, my lover… according to one man who wishes to remain anonymous.
Passion for prose, Flailing for fashion
Other passersby told reporters she also muttered Broken, crashed, crashed, my fashion feed from Elle, my shoes… and then she wept bitterly, as she was finally helped to her feet and carried inside, forced to yield her laptop to pass through security, flailing as guards pried it from her arms.
C’est ma vie, ça ! Il y a tout là-dessus ! Perdu – tout ! Et mon blog, mon blog… she was heard to cry.
Sources later found that the still unidentified woman, 5′ tall, brown hair, brown eyes seemed confused, though a Canadian tourist who happened on the scene indicated that her concern seemed to be for her life on the laptop, something about a blog, and a distinct preoccupation with staying current on French fashion… in particular, footwear.
Those who overheard were seen nodding in agreement, according to other witnesses.
Laptop breakdown; letter yields shoe clues
Taken to a nearby facility where she is being treated for hypothermia and severe stress, a note was found in her pocket which indicates that she is a writer. It is unclear as to whether or not there is a lover in the picture who may have caused damage to the computer, or if she was referring to the computer as her lover.
The jumbled text and a small photograph attached to it reflecting an irrational affection for her device leads doctors to believe that she relies heavily on her computer as writer, parent, and member of a cult-like virtual community involved in philosophical, societal, and psycho-sexual issues. And shoes. A presumed admirer of Parisian fashion and chaussures haute couture, it reads as follows:
I must have my laptop functional! Oh, Lover… I need the DVD to sleep! Even a few hours! C’est pas juste ! Dormir, c’est déjà impossible… il me faut mes DVDs pour m’endormir… mon portable ! And the moment I wake I reach out to you, my precious… que faire ? Comment écrire mon blog sans outils ? Et mes fichiers ? Et tout ce qui concerne le planning de mes fils, mes mails, mes belles images de chaussures ! Vivier, Louboutin, Choo… je suis perdue, perdue… *
Awaiting word from legendary Christian Louboutin
Anyone knowing the identity of this lost writer, please contact local authorities. Any Geek Squad techies willing to assist will be welcomed at the minimum security psych ward, two doors down from Traffic Court.
Police have reportedly been attempting to contact legendary French shoe designer, Christian Louboutin, rumored to be her adopted father.
The woman, who appears to be in her late 40s, continues to murmer under heavy sedation – Elle Magazine, l’Officiel, les escarpins en cuir, couleur moutarde Louboutin, Louboutin, Louboutin… semelles rouges – au moins, mes semelles rouges… comment rester tendance** ?
Medical staff indicate that until her laptop is repaired (or her red satin pumps returned), she is likely to remain impaired, depressed, and confused in speech. A temporary diagnosis of LCPS (Laptop Crash Panic Syndrome) has been suggested.
*It’s not fair! Sleeping is already nearly impossible… What do I do? How do I write my blog without a tool to do so? And my files? All the planning concerning my son, and my mails, and access to my favorite French stilettos! I’m lost… I’m lost… my laptop… how do I stay in style?
**Elle Magazine, L’officiel de la Mode, Louboutin leather pumps in mustard. Red soles, red soles, red soles…
OMG, LOL. You are hilarious. I love it when someone with a talent like yours takes a frustration, flips the angle and turns it into a little bijou.
And oh yes, btw, bravo for being in the TOP 101 blogs — no surprise and your recent — very impressive — piece on the FORBES website. Some of us will be very grateful to have known you before you get extremely famous. We know you’ll never be famous and obnoxious.
Bravo, bravo,
Love,
Tishxoxo
Moi? Obnoxious? I’ll still be thinking I can get a Sister Bertrille hat and fly… maybe in some hot shoes… merci, Tish. Tu me fais sourire.
I know your woe. I cherish my ‘virtual lover.’ She is all I have on lonely nights. Her name is Victoria and she is a MacBook Pro – sleek and sexy lines in a silver dress. She speaks to me in a soft, sultry voice. No, she really does! I have her set up to talk and tell me everything, including the time of day (or night.) I can’t live without her and when, on occasion she is sent out for new ‘shoes,’ I am lost.
Exactly, Jassnight. I’m crestfallen (not to mention irritated as hell and slowed by a factor of 3 in everything I’m doing). Does anyone know the origin of the word “crestfallen?” Is it a crescent moon dropped out of the sky, or someone’s Scottish family placard crashing down from over the mantel?? I’d look it up myself – but my laptop lover is languishing and laconic.
Okay – the rusty French is here.
Je sens votre douleur. Compter sur plusieurs heures sur le téléphone avec le soutien Technique.
I am still waiting for my laptop to be finished. Until then, I am chained to a desk to write. It works but the days of having to stay in the house to work are coming to an end.
Very impressed by your French, Nicki! (But, hélas – I’m way past “soutien technique.”)
Genious. This is pure genious. Love it. Although I’m feeling despair for you because honestly, without my laptop, forget it. It’s my one saving grace on the days that I can’t take it anymore. It’s my best friend on most days. Hell, it’s ALL of my friends on most days!
But you turned something, well, tragic, into a masterpiece!
Brava! Your laptop is toast, but not your sense of humor. Suckage about the laptop, BLW. But this post is awesome.
oh gads you poor dear sole, I mean soul. I am only thankful that you have found a way to keep in touch with the rest of us weirdo’s handing out and making out with our laptops (while the kids watch cartoons, naked, and eat popcorn at 8 am!)
Suck fickle lovers these machines
So awesome! I love this. I could totally picture it all too!
Brilliant woman!
Some days I wish my laptop would be toast, so I can break free form its grasp. Hope your computer problems are fixed soon.
Oh WOLFIE! I am so sad for you. For your dear lover. For your whoa whoa woes. I do hope there is recovery in site, oui? Is nothing backed up? Is anything recoverable? Have you consulted a doctor?
Regardless, you are ever a genius in the written word, no matter how you get it to us. And we, my dear, are always grateful.
As always brilliant writing! Hope laptop is up and working soon.
This is great! sorry to hear about the laptop and all it holds… hope it is on the mend quickly and sorry more that I feel as though i have laughed at your expense. your fault entirely
I am humiliated to admit that I am the only fool apparently still working on a desktop. Pauvre moi!
At the moment I am (painfully, miserably, woefully – uh – more adjectives?) sitting at my son’s ancient desktop, totally unergonomic… and going to have to give it back to him any minute!!! So Linda, you’re in good company!
Oh, the agony. Hope the medical personnel can help you get back on your (stilettoed) feet!
Can I just say “ditto” to Tish? My husband even said, “Hey, you know a lady who published on Forbes! How cool is that?!”
“Way cool!” I responded.
Really, your writing and humor has floored me. I know how rough you have it right now. I am thinking about you.
My best friend calls my laptop my baby. When she has go away for repair, I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is, I have two synthesizers that read the text on my computer to me. One of them sounds like a real woman to a certain person )not me_. He asked me for her description. I tried to tell him it is on a real human reading things to me, but he ain’t tryin ta listen.
so, what happened to your laptop anyway? It sounds really depressing.
No clue what happened to my laptop! (Screw loose? Overuse? My words have been too much abuse?)
I’m going to say just one thing tonight. That’s one hell of a boot in that picture 🙂 Oh, and I have a desktop with 6 fans and 6 500 gig hard drives that hasn’t been shut off in 5 months. I abandoned my laptop last year when it died after less than a year. I wont use laptops except in emergencies.
Ah Keith – Ain’t that the truth about those boots! Cuissardes – amazing on the right legs… definitely not for those of us of the 5′ tall persuasion. But they’re pretty cool, aren’t they?