I usually make a morning stop for an entertaining read at Dads House, where I am met by the perspective of a single dad who talks about parenting and sex, cocktails and sex, internet dating and sex… Well, you get the picture. But this single dad is also keenly aware (and opinionated) when it comes to the world around him.
This morning, his comments concern the soon-to-be released book by Lori Gottlieb, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.
I saw. I read. I paused.
I flinched.
Settling for less than what you want
Whoever titled this book got it wrong – and right. “Settling” is the sullen yet emotionally-charged equivalent of being beaten (or beaten down), and cornered into accepting anything but exactly. what. we. want.
It is the word used for agreeing to negotiations yielding an unsatisfactory result, and in a relationship, “settling” is ripe with negative connotations – in marriage or dating. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that “settling” in a relational context has everything to do with giving in, giving up, and sometimes shutting up when it comes to the foibles of another human being, or aspects of our lives that leave us less than content.
Thus, the clearly intentional use of the word “settling” in (perfect) proximity to “good enough.” Frankly, all aspects of this (successfully crafted) title rankle – excellent for book sales (I imagine), and irritating for those who, like me, realize that “settling for good enough” touches on much of what is wrong in our society.
Yes, I will read the book
This is one I’ll drop the dollars for (with annoyance), hoping for the promised humor, and to see if the content has anything to do with reason; apparently, there are distinctions made between what constitutes “good enough” for single women versus married women, and more. And while flabbergasted at the implication that this is purely a female phenomenon (Gottlieb has, after all, targeted women so they may “marry”), I’ll need to peruse more than a summary or review to see what I make of this particular book.
I’ll be crystal clear. My dating experience these past years (post divorce), and that of many of my friends, offers anecdotal evidence that men in the 40+ age bracket, in this country, are anything but reasonable when it comes to their expectations as they search out Ms. Right by checklist. And generally, they get her. I’ll qualify further: they get her, if their wallet is fat enough.
Do I have the feminine side of the house bristling at that?
Yes, I’m generalizing. Another yes, I believe it to be true. Let’s go for a third: there are terrific men on the planet who have not found a Ms. Right or a Ms. Good Enough. And as for those monikers, I tolerate the former, and UGH, I shudder at the latter, as applied to either gender.
Marketing – One; the rest of us – Zero
Once again – words twist and spin; words influence sales, and self-esteem. Words shape culture (and psychology), even as culture restructures our language.
The dilemma? We take these pop culture terms and their underlying concepts as absolutes. As truths. We don’t think them through. Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong, and the cute quips about Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. (Shudder again.)
This may make for amusing banter, great marketing, strong book sales, quickie reads, (and more commodity-style dating) but the end result is score one for the commercial transactions involved (good for the economy), and score nothing for the rest of us.
“Good enough” in business versus our personal lives
In the business world, “good enough” means you’re ahead of the other guy – and you’re also conserving valuable resources (or redirecting them) in ways that serve long-term goals. Good enough is not bad in business (or many areas of life); “good enough” is, in fact, good – and often – very good.
What if “Settling for Good Enough” were “Content with Good” as a title? Doesn’t that change the game? Doesn’t that change the way we who are deemed second class citizens of the realms of “good enough” perceive ourselves? Isn’t that really where we all belong – imperfect but luminous in our very-goodness, in the game of getting to know potential friends, lovers, and life partners?
Call me crazy, but since when is perfection, comparison, and competition the norm (and entitlement?) in every aspect of life?
Perhaps that’s Ms. Gottlieb’s very point (or not), but her terminology makes me cringe!
Not her fault, you say? The way we speak, you say?
Exactly.
Rocket science, precision machining, medical breakthroughs, car shopping
I may hope for exceptional quality (perfectionism?) when it comes to life-and-death scenarios. I’ll take high doses, thank you, when it comes to rocket science, precision engineering and meticulous standards in our buildings, airplanes, heating and air systems, medical equipment and pharmaceuticals – but a perfect match versus one who is (woefully) “good enough?”
How did we end up comparison shopping for romantic partners the way we wander from one auto dealership to the next, looking for the best trade-offs of features and price? This year’s BMW versus last year’s Audi?
What if we thought of “good enough” as “good for me?”
Book sales, car sales, superlatives and sense of self
I concede. Marry him: Content with Good makes a lousy book title, whereas Settling for Good Enough is a catchy one, even as it represents all that undermines our self-esteem and mars our expectations of what is reasonable and of value. We have become a nation of saucy superlatives, the superficial once-over, the readily bruised sense of self, and the pop psychology quick fix.
We could, at the very least, pause. Process. Successful corporations understand that “good enough” is good. Often, very good. And “settling” implies reluctant acceptance of the begrudgingly accepted unacceptable.
What if we were more mindful of language that subtly transforms the way we see our world and each other? What if we rejected the concept of a man or woman as “good enough?”
Yes, I’ll read the book. And I haven’t even addressed the implication that we are all looking to marry (another topic entirely). But more than that, I’ll continue to insist that we choose our words with greater care, take time to think before we speak, and most definitely, look beyond the superficial, the ten tips on love, or any other pop culture confection that promises an easy way to find treasure in each other. That, to my mind, can only be about maximizing opportunities to meet a variety of people, then opening our eyes, taking our time, and following a route as individual as each and every one of us.
Excellent points all. I’ll look forward to your review of this provocatively titled book. Don’t pay for it though – check it out of the library. If it proves to be as annoying as it’s title, at least you won’t be out any money!
Great point!
Great essay on this topic! I think you nailed it when you said the chosen title of her book will drive book sales. The “settling for Mr. Good Enough” phrase certainly gets people in a tizzy!
As for your point – I’m divorced 10 years. I have not “settled” on someone yet. There are a few reasons for this, but mainly I don’t want to radically change my lifestyle. Part of the reason I got divorced was so I could be a writer. If women I meet have expectations of grand wealth, I can’t provide that on a meager writer’s revenue stream. And if a woman doesn’t need grand wealth, but still expects to be supported, I can’t do that on a meager writer’s revenue stream either! So, yeah, it sort of comes down to money. Not that I’m broke (I’m not), but I refuse to go back to corporate America just so I can support a wife. Where’s the rich woman who wants to support my starving artist career? 🙂
(All that said – I sure wish a home-owning woman came along and we could “merge” our lives into one mortgage. Sounds so romantic, doesn’t it?)
DM – you’re so honest! And I do understand. I’d merge my life with another meager-income writer in a heartbeat. I don’t need square footage, baubles or BMWs. Dueling laptops, shared love of words (among other passions), and enough to cover the mortgage would do quite nicely. (Besides, I’ve already got the footwear.) Did so enjoy your post this morning. Clearly!
I have to say I have heard of the book. I have seen it is going to be out soon and I vowed to not buy it. The title annoys and irritates me. I don’t want to “settle” for anything. I will, should there be a few good reviews, reconsider finding this at the library but will not put out money for it.
David, maybe I’m nuts, but I have to wonder why a woman in 2010 would expect to be supported. If shes at stay at home mom, and that’s a mutual decision, fine. If she’s ill and can’t work, that makes sense — figure out a way to help each other. But to expect to be supported? How dare she? Run. Or find that wealthy patroness.
I had a very differnet perspective on the title of the book than you did. I haven’t read the book but it seemed to me the IDEA behind the title was that having a “checklist” for your ideal partner kinda defeats the goal of actually finding him. “Settling for good enough” can simply mean changing your perspective a little; to not expect to find a man based on a set of criteria such as career, income, height, appearance, social status etc. but rather on a connection based on values, chemistry, compatibility, friendship… all the things that would survive when you remove the superficial stuff. To me, that’s not settling at all.
I do get your point, Mindy. But until we actually read the book, we won’t know what the author’s full intentions are. My point concerns language – and all that is implied by its use. And that’s pretty powerful stuff. The very fact that we routinely say “settling” for something (or someone) is dismissive and a bit insulting, not to mention the use of “good enough.” Would you want to be someone’s “Ms. Good Enough” when it comes to romance?
As you said, Gottlieb may well be pointing out that we should look beyond the superficial. And she may provide poignant and amusing personal tales to illustrate that very point. My concern is the terminology we never stop to consider, that shapes us, and our approach to relationships, while doing nothing to serve us – romantically, or personally.
BLW, I know what you are saying. When I dreamed about marriage, I didn’t once think “good enough.” On the same page, I knew I wouldn’t be looking at those one-answer, quick-fix marriage books. It isn’t that simple, is it?
Here I am, a young mom, married to a soon-to-be med student, and living in a sparse apartment. But, you know what, I am happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life.
This is what I got from your post. It may be quite a different response than what you expected, yet, it felt right to me. Thank you for, once again, reminding me of the importance of words.
I’ll stay single and settle for anonymous sex every so often, thanks 🙂
Great response, April. I love it!
I’m really hoping, in the same vein of SimplyForties, that you at LEAST buy a used copy from Amazon so you don’t waste prime dollars on what *sounds like* some piece of dreck. Granted, the actual book may surprise me, but it’s one of those jingo-esque titles/book concepts that will push the book off the shelves, but isn’t worth my time. I feel dirty just thinking about reading it.
As for “settling.” When it comes to anything important, that word makes my skin crawl. I did NOT settle for my husband; I did, however, after dating him for a while, decide that the criteria I’d formerly held dear (in this case, No Baggage–as in an ex and a kid) no longer seemed important. Because the man was bigger than my small little list, my small little mind-set.
I’m hoping that this is the message the author delivers, but I’m not going to buy the book. I’ll just come here and let you give me the rundown 🙂
As always, provocative.
Ah Kitch, you are a wise and wonderful woman.
Not much to add, but I remember when this book was but an article in Atlantic Monthly in 2008:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
Well thank you, Deesha, for this link to the originating article.
I’m dumbfounded. Quite an interesting mix of (presumably her) truth, myth, and what I expect is common experience among women who remain single into their thirties (I was one of those, and I have lived some of the scenarios she describes). There is also utter ignorance (that’s my truth, of course), when it comes to marriage and post-divorce life. But it is well-written, and quite an interesting read. She does ask soul-searching and reasoned questions, including where the line is drawn between compromising and settling. She makes an intriguing case – from her perspective – while admitting (at the time of the article’s writing) that she had yet to bring herself to “settle.”
I still abhor the terminology – both settling and “Mr. Good Enough.”
This, I believe, applies to all of us, and I might call it adulthood – regardless of gender, or context, though Gottlieb is explicitly addressing the love connection and women: “ And no matter what women decide—settle or don’t settle—there’s a price to be paid, because there’s always going to be regret.”
I would suggest that the price is higher for women in all things. And in our society, the issues of love, marriage, family, and work-life balance are certainly no exception.
Maybe it is perspective. What didn’t work for us in the past is exactly what we will not settle for in the future…
I am one of them. I would like to read at least the sleeve of the book to see where she is headed however, I have learned in over 14 years post-divorce, I don’t want to settle and I don’t want mr perfect.
I want to live my life the way I love it, and let the chips fall where they may. I don’t HAVE to find love, settling or otherwise. But I do think I would be happy if I did.
Congratulations, again, BLW.
Wow, live on Forbes.com. How many readers is THAT?
Thank you, David at dadshouse, for pointing that out on Twitter. This is the start of a good year, girl.
Leverage those opportunities! You have the talent.
Thank you, Elizabeth! It was a surprise – and a thrill.
Whaa? Forbes.com? What did I miss?
Great, gripping post. Thank you for reminding all of us about something that too often gets glossed over and lost in the shuffle: word choice. What we say and how we say it matters. Words are not just words. They are tools. Windows. They cling together to form messages. Messages we swallow and process. Messages that affect us and change us. As I’ve said before, “words are everything.” I applaud you for imploring us to look past the pop culture confections that litter our over-stuffed personal plates.
Important post I will revisit.
You’re welcome, BLW. I’ve been thinking over the author’s statement–“There’s always going to be regret.” Wistfulness, maybe, sometimes. Or wondering about the road not taken. But I don’t believe regret is inevitable.
I do believe regret is inevitable. The older we get. It may or may not concern love, but we will have regrets about something, even as we recognize the lessons learned from missteps by commission or omission. I can regret when I have hurt someone, the result of a necessary decision, however unintentional to cause pain.
BLW, I agree with what you’re saying about regret, since you elaborated. I thought you meant strictly in the context of the author’s statement, i.e., regardless of which decision a woman makes–to settle or not–she’ll regret it. That’s how I read it.
Oh, and Ms. Gottlieb responds to a critic here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lori-gottlieb/on-settling-for-mr-good-_b_88412.html
Do read Ms. Gottlieb’s response to a critic on the originating article dating to 2008 (thanks to Deesha’s posting it here in a comment).
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lori-gottlieb/on-settling-for-mr-good-_b_88412.html
It’s a fast-paced, point-by-point dismantling of the critic’s position, and really quite funny.