Violence shocks us when it comes at the hands of a woman. Yet some women are violent, and aggression is part of human nature. Most of us learn to curtail it; we reserve it for self-defense or the protection of our loved ones. But as children – and particularly for boys – those natural inclinations to fight show themselves early.
After reading a provocative musing on guns at Motherese, and a discussion of dealing with little boys and their desire to shoot ’em up and play war, I began wondering about our violent selves. Our female violent selves, as well as the ways we raise our sons.
I thought about the progression through childhood impulses, the divergent options for boys and girls (thus, for men and women), and where we put those feelings as we grow up, and grow older.
Guns are Political; Violence is Human
The issue of gun control has been on and off the political agenda for decades. Those who believe that guns in the home are our entitlement (for self-defense or hunting) are pitted against those who fear violence in the home, in the schools, and on the streets.
While we have politicized the acquisition and use of firearms – and with good reason – violent tendencies remain a human issue – cultural, sociological, psychological. Despair breeds violence, as do desperation, rage, and fear. We have only to look at the latest headlines to see examples of individuals pushed beyond their boiling point until violence erupts, and of course there is also mental illness which manifests itself in inexplicable bursts of violent and abusive behaviors.
Women are not immune to these same situations, sentiments, or illness and yet we are less prone to acting out in the same ways as men. If we don’t turn to overt violence, where do we put our rage?
Men, women, and aggression
If aggressive tendencies are in fact more prevalent in boys and men, there are also acceptable outlets for exercising and exorcising the need to express them. Competitive sports like football, hockey, soccer, wrestling, and boxing provide culturally (and commercially) sanctioned channels, while other competitive activities also funnel the need to win, or to do battle.
Still, most women don’t overtly express more violent emotions. I’d go as far as saying that any expression of anger by a woman is considered less acceptable than the same outpouring by a man. Would we be better off if we could don the boxing gloves and go a few rounds with a sparring partner?
For “everyday” anger, do we find other more culturally acceptable outlets?
Cattiness and gossip
I used to resent the off-handed comments about women and gossip, not to mention cattiness. Gossip isn’t something I indulge in generally; I’ve always cherished my women friends and treated them with enormous respect.
Cattiness is not part of our communication style, but I’ve observed it often, in both teenagers and adults.
So I will concede that women may express their aggressions in more subversive ways relative to men who “take it outside” or to the gym to pummel a bag. Instead, we use words (and silence) as daggers, and afterward regret drawing blood.
Self-abuse, Self-sabotage
But venting or gossiping is not the extent of it. While there’s no question that for anyone the 5-mile run or 2-hour workout eases anger, we don’t all have that possibility – logistically, financially, or even physically. Then what?
For many women, cycles of self-abuse become routine. We control what we can, any way we can, often in the most unhealthy and self-destructive manner.
How, exactly?
We eat our anger, literally, swallowing it down and gaining weight. Or we punish our bodies with bingeing, which leaves us depressed, but (effectively) dulled. Eventually, the anger may eat us – as we develop ulcers and other digestive problems, or simply live in a haze of any number of eating disorders.
We also drink our anger – or rather, use alcohol to anesthetize. Copious amounts of alcohol, and likewise – sex.
We may spend our days and nights in obsessive inner dialogue, berating ourselves for whatever emotions fuel our frenzy – despair, desperation, rage, fear. Wouldn’t these emotions be better served by an act of standing up, fighting back, or at the very least – expressing ourselves verbally even if it meant “unladylike” yelling?
The feminist 70s… and now?
I am a product of the 70s feminist consciousness; I wonder about the path we began so idealistically. We set (unrealistic) goals, made (some) gains, accrued (unexpected) losses. We disparaged the role of mother and homemaker, only to find ourselves red-faced in the aftermath, 10 or 15 years later.
I can’t help but recognize that for many women – young, middle-aged, older – the constraints battled 30+ years ago remain no less restricting; only more muddled.
So where do we find ourselves today? Less angry? More so?
- We may speak our minds on many matters, but we hold our tongues to keep the peace.
- We may strike out into the workforce, but we turn anger inward when we find our opportunities narrowed, and our strength sapped by becoming our own second, third, or last priority.
- Our aggressive selves may be allowed on the tennis court or the runner’s track – but when not possible, we are likely to turn our violence inward, on ourselves.
We choose children first. I believe it is our grace, and equally, our downfall.
Still powerless?
We set pieces of self aside, we nurture those we love; we still battle a sense of powerlessness in many arenas – including our beliefs that we ought to be able to “do it all.” Resentment remains. Sometimes, fury. There is a fine line between self-sacrifice and self-destruction.
We may not reach for guns as a general rule, but nor do we reach for each other in sufficient measure or solidarity. And we should – even as we dream of sons because they will know freedom, and we dream of daughters who will somehow redress an imbalance we still can’t quite fathom.
God, Wolfie … this “even as we dream of sons because they will know freedom, and we dream of daughters who will somehow redress an imbalance we still can’t quite fathom.” puts a pit in my stomach I can’t even articulate. Yes, yes, yes. I have both, and I feel complicated about each of them and their individual challenges and responsibilities.
Also, I feel such intense gratitude for Steinem and her compatriots – I think many women of my generation are unaware of the battles that were fought, whose results we now take for granted. My GOD those days were just yesterday, and the access, opportunities, and choices available to us are so brand new … and yet not at all different at the same time.
Alas. It makes me feel filled with hope and totally despairing at the same time. Well, despite my rambling comment, thank you for this post. As always, you made me think.
I wrote a paper sometime in July about feminism and its, unfortunate, devaluing of motherhood. If you are interested, I could send it to you.
As for your violence question? A very provocative topic, indeed. Yes, violence is less acceptable in women (except for when they are clobbering men). Yes, we are often repressed emotionally. As to the solution? I personally find aerobic kickboxing a great release for any anger/resentment I am holding in. I just imagine whatever-or whoever-is ticking me off and immediately feel relieved.
So, there you have it. All women should engage in aerobic kickboxing. Easy, huh?
: )
Please do send it. I would be very interested.
I thought I was done, then I went back and re-read your post. You might be interested to know that men are more relationally aggressive than women. And women are more physically aggressive than men. How about that? A bit shocking, eh?
The reason why we don’t hear about women’s aggression nearly as much in the newspapers is because it is mostly toward men. This is seen as acceptable. Women are the weaker sex, right? So, when they hit a man it isn’t as big of a deal as when a man hits a women. I thought the feminist movement absolved this argument. Apparently not. We still get the “weaker sex” title. Something I abhor.
But, if we choose not to lash out, you are right. We turn inward. I have a dear friend who has struggled with bulimia for close to 8 years now. It is her response to the abuse she suffered through as a child and teen. It is heartbreaking to watch her attempt over and over again to overcome the “addiction.”
I think a new feminist movement is in the works.
A striking line in your essay:
“We choose children first. It is our grace, and our downfall.”
One could say it’s a dilemma of the human condition but somehow it seems to fall most heavily on women.
Your essay also brought to mind these facts:
1.) Title IX of the federal education act was passed in 1972 and women’s basketball has flourished.
2.) Yet, even with the additional push of special provisions supporting gender equity in career and technical education, the segregation has persisted in the programs that could offer women a way out of the grace/downfall of their commitment to their children.
3.) Industry is begging for workers who will bring skills, maturity, and commitment to jobs that may be thought of as unskilled or semi-skilled. However, most of those jobs have been transformed by new technologies. Almost every job is skilled unless you are talking about the most basic “grunt” labor. Talk to a welder about welding sometime and you will get a ranging discussion of metallurgy, electrical and gas-based welding operations and a lot of know-how about principles of structural integrity. I think you will see more women in construction crafts in the near future. The sharper competitors in industry are not living by the stereotypes of the past. They are anxious to double the pool of available workers so they can increase both the quality and productivity of their investment in labor.
Fascinating. I am interested in the potential connection you draw between female anger and our passive aggressive tendencies toward gossip and internally aggressive behaviors connected to eating. While I am lucky not to deal much with the latter, I am ashamed to admit to a fairly regular engagement with the former. And, when I think about it, almost all of my cattiness connects to my own insecurities and, yes, I suppose, anger. When I’m feeling relatively happy and calm, I am much less concerned with judging others (other women in particular). Thanks for taking this topic in a whole new – and quite ripe – direction.
One way or another, the anger has to go somewhere. Women don’t generally end up coming to blows, but if we were allowed to yell (without guilt) when we needed to, or had a screaming room, I wonder if we wouldn’t be a whole lot healthier. There’s no question though that the “promise” of the 70s was just a beginning, and the infrastructure we still deal with as women stacks the deck against us when we have children, and I’m not just talking single mothers. I mean mothers, period.
I pull my left eyebrow out when stressed.
Read this, read Kristen’s piece. Want to curl up and not think how badly I am screwing up this whole mommy thing.
Ouch! (How do you draw yourself in your illustrations after that?) Methinks your red shoes alone, Natalie, make you a great mother. Now stop fretting, take two martinis, and call me in the morning.
For the most part, women tend to keep their anger in check. Though I have dated a few “hot headed” women who had a very sharp tongue. I have never struck a woman, ever. I dated one woman who through her high heel shoe at my head. Ouch! Not a good sign when that happens. I don’t even remember what I said to provoke it. Interestingly enough, she did not have a sharp tongue. I guess sharp-tongued-ness is a constructive release.
You crack me up, DM!
Yeah, feminist movement. But, what if it’s because the masculine didn’t step down to balance it out? You american women are, well most of you, are reserved that way. that’s why it’s so shocking when people hear or see a woman be physically aggressive. Women from other cultures aren’t as reserved.
Vanna –
It isn’t about men stepping “down” – it’s about men stepping up to their equal responsibilities as parents. Were parenting shared in partnership – and when it is – there is more likelihood that the demands of the parenting job will not sap everything a woman has to contribute – personally or professionally.
I have thought long and hard about this piece of writing. While not in college during the 70’s – at least not until the end, I recall watching the feminist movement as I grew up.
I remember parts of it as I was in college. I was in a “man’s” major – forestry. I was smarter than a lot of the men that were in my classes but not necessarily as strong physically. The program required both class work and field work. I can recall watching myself and other females struggle in some part of the field work. The struggles were, in talking after the fact, multi-faceted. Many that were more than strong enough to do the work did not want to “show up” the men. Others could not physically do better than the men.
I recall thoughts on what church my family would join when I had three children, all three very young. We shopped around as we were searching for a parish to join. I would not join the parish where altar servers were limited to boys. I would not put an unnecessary road block in front of my daughter.
As for women and violence, the reason so little of it appears in national news and is reported other places is sexist. Men do not want to report to a police agency that they were beat up by a woman. It goes back to the “weaker sex” but not because the men who are abused think of women that way.
BLW, I personally don’t know any men that are doing that except for maybe one or two.
There is ample scientific evidence to prove what you’re saying is true. I read an article that talked about suicide in men and women. It wasn’t a study of frequency, but they did look at method. As you would suspect, Men kill themselves in some pretty creative and violent ways. Jumping off stuff, shooting themselves (there was the guy who killed himself with a chain saw) etc… . Anyway, women fail at it much more often than men. Not because they aren’t sincere about it, but because they choose ways that are less violent, and thus prone to error. Pills are the method of choice.
So, it’s sort of a morbid way at looking at anger and depression, but I think that sums it up pretty well. It may seem sexist to draw those distinctions, but it just isn’t. It’s true. Men express themselves in more direct ways.
I used to have almost no self-control when it came to anger. I’m proud to say I’ve come a long way. I think sometimes I scare my readers when I let it all out in a post, but once I’ve done that, the anger dissipates with much more ease.