Checking that status on Facebook every few days, or every few hours? Waiting to see if he (or she) switches from “single” to “in a relationship?” Able to see that the honey-of-your-dreams is online, but won’t respond to your chat requests? Feeling forlorn because you think it’s over before it’s even begun?
And I’m not talking teens glued to the FB wall. I’m talking about adults.
Stop! Think! And cut it out! This is Facebook, not reality. And Facebook sucks for your sex life. Or at least, it can if you let it.
Facebook pros and Facebook cons
Sure – you can meet people, catch up with classmates, chat, message, share photos and links, and a great deal of sizzle can pass over the internet. But hang too many assumptions (born of insecurity?) and when it comes to FB availability, FB status, or FB interaction, you’re bound to be wrong as often as you’re right.
- No response to your chat request? Maybe he’s on the phone with his parents.
- No change in status though you’ve changed yours? Maybe she’s simply very private about her “private” life.
- Seems like there’s a profusion of pictures of potential suitors? Possibly old chums, relatives, or colleagues.
Trust and privacy
Not everyone puts time – or information – into their Facebook account. It’s a wide open and potentially viral social environment, one fraught with exaggeration and occasional antics, which serves as a helpful and playful resource at times – and is detrimental at others.
Don’t let your trust be shaken by what might be as simple as an approach to social media that differs from yours.
Sexy encounter with oh-so-much promise
Did you meet someone fabulous? Online or in person?
Maybe sparks fly when you go out, and she gives good phone besides.
Or maybe you’ve exchanged private messages on Facebook – and the temperature’s rising.
You shoot her a chat request, but there’s no response. An hour later, you send another. Still no response, and you’re disappointed and beginning to imagine what may be little more than your own set of assumptions.
“Okay,” you say to yourself. “I was mistaken. She’s seeing someone else, or she’s just not into me.”
You sulk, you wallow, you log off. The next day you get a phone call: “Sorry – my parents were in town and I just couldn’t talk. How’s it going?” And all’s right with the world once again.
Break-ups on Facebook
It’s bad enough to get a Dear John on email – but if you’re in a relationship and you say so on Facebook, don’t beat a hasty retreat through a change in status for all the world to see.
It’s hurtful, cowardly, and tacky. Period.
Manners, people!
How hard is it to remember that not all human interaction needs to take place in a public forum?
Real, real, real: Get real!
Ramp up your sex life with real encounters – words exchanged by phone, through long emails, in person! And if necessary, by Skype or other web conferencing where you can benefit from gesture and tone, eye contact, and something at least resembling life.
We love our online communities, but they cannot replace real world encounters. It’s called Facebook, remember? It’s a digital album, a set of pages, a means to message and communicate. Behind this connective platform sit real people in the real world, their complex and changing circumstances, along with emotions, distractions, and other obligations.
Facebook? Use it, peruse it, but don’t abuse it. When it comes to gauging romantic interest, set aside connectivity, and go for connection.
version française : Facebook – efficace dans la vie romantique, ou le contraire ? © D A Wolf
I dunno. I’ve never used facebook or myspace for that purpose. Sheesh, I survived almost nine years without it. For me, facebook is just a medium for staying in touch with friends and family.
Might one be so bold as to suggest actually connecting with the people one shares actual, physical space with?
Exactly!
Love it!
HA! great article! I will admit I am a facebook junkie… BUT. I am not yet back to dating… so never even thought of all the ways it could go wrong!! LOL!. thanks for the warning….:)
Well – enjoy once you’re back out in that dating world. Just remember – FB is a great tool, but just that. Facebook is one thing; face-to-face, something else again.
You are correct, BLW. I have never used FB for dating purposes. I don’t even like using online dating sites, though I have. They have made for many blog entries.
Facebook can be a dangerous thing!
How did you know that your new friend Kristen has been giving some serious thought to signing up for Facebook? (I know, I know, I’m a Luddite – not on Facebook, not on Twitter…)
Up until now, I’ve preferred to let my relationships live and die organically; I’ve had no interest in reconnecting with seventh grade “friends” just because I can. But the world seems set against me. Actual friends post important news on their Facebook pages and nowhere else. I missed seeing photos of a newborn baby because I am not a Facebook friend of one of my oldest and dearest friends.
What’s a girl to do?
Facebook can be fun and very useful – but like anything – in moderation. 🙂
Not sure about Facebook yet. Just started using it a few months ago and have gotten in touch with a ton of high school classmates that I haven’t talked to in years. I’ve aged well (lucky me) and now some of the “hot” girls (who are single) from high school are flirting with me as my status says “single” since I’m divorced. Doubt I want to go there but it’s kind of alluring.
Well good luck with that! Seriously! And “single” vs. “married” is one thing. It’s all the switching about relative to being in a couple or relationship, and then putting a name to that (private?) reality. That’s where things go awry. I am a single woman. My status will remain single, period. Unless or until I should marry again. Otherwise, I have far too much experience and sexperience of the world to know that relationships are fickle, or simply, short-lived. Why have a googlable trail of your romantic ups and downs, not to mention the possibility of hurting someone simply because your approach to social media differs?
You posted exactly what has been on my mind lately! I only have a Facebook account because…well…I don’t really know. I rarely, if ever, update my “status” and, photos? That is what my family blog is for. I know so many who spend all day long on that adored site and I just don’t understand it.
I also know people who are glued to FB. Some of it may be for professional reasons (a different matter), and also for reading links and watching videos to do with areas of interest and profession (again different). And there’s also – I would guess – an element of loneliness. For some of us, the days are isolated and isolating. Perhaps FB provides an awareness of potential company at times we might need some. I understand it. But if we aren’t also trying to reach out in person – if we are physically able – aren’t we missing part of the pleasure and usefulness of all these social media tools? To introduce more people in real life where possible?
All that said – when there is distance – it’s an incredible way to meet and stay touch. It’s living and dying by FB, emotionally, that concerns me. And time spent hiding in it, that could better be spent living beyond its digital confines.
I just have to share this new “motto” someone emailed me yesterday: if it takes less than 3 clicks, it’s not stalking.
You open up a whole other issue! (And you crack me up.)
Well, FB is how Rascal and I connected. He is an old high school classmate. But yeah, it goes WAY beyond that. We still communicate through FB and other means. And we’ve taken our relationship statuses down instead of changing them to say “in a relationship”.
Great article!
I really enjoyed reading this in French. It took me a long time but it was well worth it. I want to pick my French back up this year and become more proficient. Reading is a start. 🙂
And writing a post in French is one of the few ways I have to make sure I don’t completely lose my fluency – so I’m delighted that you’re reading en français – and if only – si j’avais des lecteurs francophones (et il y en a, quelques uns – qui oseraient ajouter un commentaire … j’en serais ravie ! )
I would have to haul out a dictionary and a grammar guide – I am certain – to be able to comment in French but I will work on it.
Laughing… Here you go – a handy selection:
Super ! = yep, you guessed it… great!
Fascinant = uh-huh, fascinating…
Pas possible ! = No way!
With those, you could pretty much fake your way (easily) through anything, n’est-ce pas ?
Note that spacing around punctuation is different. Fascinant… – The French put a space before colons, semi-colons, exclamation points and question marks. They put commas and periods outside their (different) quotes. Super ! Dontcha think?
Thank you for informing me the many reasons people are constantly on FB. Sometimes I stay inside my own little reality and imagine mothers, like me (i.e. my situation), chilling on Facebook. But, you brought up an excellent point. Loneliness? Yes.
I even want to add to that. I have a dear aunt who is changing her life around. She has gone from “drug addict” to “clean” in a year. I think she uses FB as a means of keeping her goals. And, if she needs FB to keep her clean, it is well worth it.
I could never date someone on Facebook. It’s just too “open” and public. I prefer keeping my dating and sex life private. (I only blog snippets that I don’t mind people hearing).
I do check out the Facebook single parents connection group! http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=22920523770
(They have blog badges, too!! I’m a founder of it, so I know… haha)
DM (dadshouse)
I think it is a hysterical and wonderful contradiction that you feel facebook is too open and public for you, and yet you are a blogger writing about your dating and sex life
i thought i saw you having sex in a car last week on facebook, but it must have been someone else????
eh, it’s called communication for a reason. first seek to understand then to be understood. Don’t stress. Be patient. Everything will go just fine in all due time. and when there is a small dry spell in communication, still be patient. Your questions will be answered.
“Use it, peruse it, but don’t abuse it!” Sage reminder to not let our reliance on technology get out of hand. I happen to adore Facebook. I marvel at the wonderful things I can keep up on – pictures of friends’ babies, travels, weddings, moves, etc. But then again, I really do not spend much time on FB. I check it here and there and it is a nice diversion. But I do think that so many people are throwing more of themselves and their hopes – romantic or professional or other – into this odd space. I think this is where the real problem emerges, namely when people look to FB or its brethren technologies as a *replacement* for reality. Nothing beats reality, old school conversation and interaction.
I guess the important question, the impossible question, is how to keep from crossing that ephemeral line between appropriate/useful/fun use into excessive/problematic/pathetic use.
Great treatment of an important – and very relevant – topic.
Oh my gosh, by accident, I once changed my “relationship status” and had more comments than I’d ever had before. When I had to change it back to single, I felt ASHAMED. Like I had done something wrong. *Laugh* I have thus removed any type of relationship status from my facebook account!
Great great GREAT post BLW!!!
Wolfie, I love this. I am a Facebook ghost of sorts. I have an account. I check it sometimes. I update occasionally. But it always feels other worldly to me somehow. I’m just not quite comfortable with it. And yet it comes with an odd allure. Of peeking into other’s lives–as they present them. Very good post. Thought provoking. And I just might latch on to Nicki’s goal and try to read one of your posts in French. Now there’s a goal for the New Year!
Add Twitter to this list…..I have too many ex’s on Facebook and one just started following me on Twitter. Kind of insane. Such a buzzkill! I sometimes wish we weren’t so connected. When you break up – you didn’t have to see them ever again. If you block folks, there is still a chance.
You are so right!
LOVE this one – so true – FB in moderation…not in stalker-ization 😉 Easy to do, sooo tempting, I’ve been there. When I was going through my divorce, even, I took my relationship status down completely as I didn’t want anyone to see it change. Now, that’s past me, and I have put it back up as single (woo!) but it’s scary in a way how much people read into FB – usually for the bad!