Scared to death to let your teenagers have a party?
Don’t be.
Really.
You could say it’s old hat around here (and I don’t mean my gorgeous $2 estate sale hat), but the thought of any teenage gathering is enough to set the parental teeth on edge, the slivers of gray to pop out overnight, and the worry line between the brows to deepen.
But it’s not that bad. Take it from a veteran. What you need is a little planning before, a lot of clean-up after, and clear communication with the aforementioned adolescents. Then there’s no need to double up on the therapy sessions as you hold your head in your hands and wonder how you ever agreed to such a thing!
The veteran’s viewpoint on single parenting teens
Around this household, teenage parties have been going on for a few years. They were (until recently) the exclusive domain of my elder son, who is now a freshman in college. Let’s just say, there was a blow-out party early in the year in which I was outnumbered (but survived), and then I lost my summer to round-the-clock teenage tête-à-têtes, that tended to last for days and nights and more days… until I could hardly could count.
Are you a single parent? Think it’s going to be harder? Not necessarily, but if you can get a few extra adult hands (ears, and eyes) to assist, it couldn’t hurt.
We’ve only just begun
Apparently, we’ve only just begun. It’s time for Round 2, with my 16-year old son, as he asked for his first party (with 48 hours notice) about 10 days ago. I was definitely the Teen Party Planner (the Mad Hatter?), but he took the initiative in offering to clean up before and after, which countered possible objections before they even tumbled out of my mouth. (Smart kid.)
I will admit that particular Saturday was a long day (he did most of the work, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t things I had to do). And, honestly, it was an even longer night. But it was a good night.
teaching kids responsibility
Why was yet one more sleep-deprived night “good” in any respect?
Kids need to learn about responsibility – and not just relative to schoolwork and chores, but in the social realm as well. That includes playing host, and watching out for safe behaviors – their own – and that of friends.
My 16-year old wanted a party, committed to cleaning, keeping it to a specified number of pals, and maintaining control. And you know what? He kept his word. And judging by the laughter that came from the backyard, all ten kids had a terrific time.
But remember what I said about communication?
That means clarifying what is and isn’t acceptable in the house, in the basement, in the backyard, in the apartment stairwell… And being able to trust your child when he or she says he will abide by your rules.
Why is the worry and expense worth the bother?
I admit that I sat up (what parent wouldn’t?) – peeking outside, and later, when they were inside as well. Come Sunday morning, I only climbed over the expected bodies my son forewarned me about, which allowed his friends to party late, with no one driving home in the wee hours.
I even had the unexpected pleasure of an hour’s conversation with one of my son’s new friends. He’s a great kid, and he was fantastic company over coffee and fresh-baked rolls while the others slept.
And this is why teenagers should have parties – in spite of their parents:
- Teens need a chance to exercise responsibility.
- That means giving their word and keeping it.
- Expenses can be shared, and kept to a minimum.
- They learn lessons in budgeting, and the importance of a dollar.
- When teens want something, they’ll earn it, and follow guidelines.
- Teenage reputations matter. That includes giving parties.
Teenage party parenting tip (the latest update)
My son just informed me (yesterday) that it’s “our turn” to host his study group. Sunday afternoon and evening.
Ten kids. Uh-huh. TEN. Small House. Headache starting already…
Kids will use a variety of terms – but a party is a party, and I have no doubt that studying will morph into socializing, and then some.
So it goes. Only this time they’ll be bringing a few books, to make it all look legit. And I’ll be ready, with food on hand, knowing when to make myself scarce, and still keeping an eye and ear on the lookout – like any responsible parent.
Boy you ARE a glutton for punishment but is sounds like you and your son have worked out who is responsible for what and that makes all the difference. Last weekend went well for you which is also a good indicator of future gatherings. I thought of you as I monitored my son and a friend who camped in the living room last night for an x-box marathon. I was very pleased that they understood appropriate noise levels and clean up duties. They are still asleep on the floor as I write and as I glance through the room, I am delighted to say that the furniture is still intact, no broken lamps or scorched rugs
ha, i am trying to catch up with you on the coffee front
no 4 year old parties yet, but we are making play-doh muffins, and i cant have a muffin until after dinner (doh!)
i dont know if the coffee affects the sleeping, but it definitely affects the waking (for the better)
you should do a post on coffee
Another positive I think is that when children — of all ages — realize their home, with their parents’ enthusiastic approval, is always open to their friends, one’s children are naturally more open with their parents. It breaks down barriers.
I’m absolutely mad about several of my daughter’s friends. They come and stay with us, e-mail from time to time and some even follow the blog. When I’m in the States we all go for a brunch or a dinner. I love it.
Regarding sleeping. What’s that? For me it’s the one time in the day when my mind can torture me without interruption from responsibilities that may require a modicum of concentration.
Where is your e-mail address, do I have it? If not please e-mail me. I have a hilarious “story” to send to you.
Tishx
We hosted the “Saturday Night of Thanksgiving Weekend Home from Freshman Year at College” party for our son. Strict rules : only kids who’d left home were allowed (figuring that parents had already abdicated whatever controls over their social lives they might have had when the kids were hs students living under their parents’ roofs 24/7/365) and no one leaves drunk.
There was quiet conversation and dancing and lots of eating and yes, some drinking, but nothing was broken and no one cried.
We worried before and during but my house was cleaner afterwards than it was before… and the kid carrying my flower vase at 2am asking where exactly I had it on the coffee table so he could put it right back where it started… well, that’s a memory I’ll treasure forever.
BLW – you are so correct. Teens need parties, social gatherings, social education. This is not a learning experience that parents, single or not, can leave to public education. I have had many teen parties at my house. Only once did I find a teen attempting to get in the beer cooler. That teen no longer comes to any parties at my home.
Have a great weekend! I hope your son’s study group has fun.
I will be having teen parties…as soon as I have teens!
My hubby and I have already agreed to having as many as possible. As Tish and Nicki have said, it is important to have parties. Besides, if you want to be in on their lives, what better way than to invite their friends over? It breaks down the barriers because they move into their relaxed zone.
I am sure your boys love (loved) it!!
I could not agree more with the points that you make here. I think it is important to treat your teens like people, young adults, and help them learn how to make good decisions and muster good judgment. I can’t tell you how many kids got themselves in so much trouble the second they went to college because they didn’t have any of these skills.
All of this said, my two girls are tiny and there is a good chance that I won’t be as cool as you on the party front when they get to that point. I hope I will be though! (Now you have me curious about whether this party question has a different answer when we are talking about girls and boys. Doubt it, but interesting to think about!)
Annnnnnnnd, this is another reason I’ll be turning back to the pages of this blog as my boys get older. I’m pretty sure I could be the cool, fun mom if my kids showed the same respect and initiative that yours did.
And yes, kids need parties. If they learn how to socialize early on, in that awkward phase of life, maybe they won’t get so out of control later? Um, no, that didn’t happen to me or anything. Shh.
Thanks that was a interesting post!