Awhile back I asked for input from divorced dads willing to talk about sex and dating. I was curious (naturally), and wanted to see how their experience stacked up to the female side of the solar system.
I make the distinction between divorced dads and other single dads because, let’s be honest, divorce is often a long and contentious process.
Approaching a new relationship – sexual or otherwise – carries mixed emotions.
As a divorced woman who’s been through it – I understand the stages from separation to the first year or two of adjustment, and re-entering those tumultuous dating waters. Having written about sex and the single mom, I wanted to hear from divorced dads about their experiences, “statistically” conclusive or not.
The data on divorced dads
While I don’t claim to have representative data, I do have input from both sides of the Mississippi and – you guessed it – France. And my, my, but you dads are discreet!
I am impressed.
It’s nice to see that most of you do not kiss-and-tell, but some of you did lend your experience to my informal queries, which may help some of our single moms know what’s up as we try to decipher your behaviors. So thanks to the dads who provided a few tales and tidbits, which was enough to share what follows.
Booze and booty
- No surprise here, but booty calls are alive and well, including among men in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. And yes, alcohol is often involved.
- Internet booty calls are very popular as an initial method of meet-and-greet, leading to a cocktail or two, and you-know-what.
- When it comes to Internet dating – the visual still rules! That initial photo makes a big difference – for both sides of the gender divide.
- Men do lie about age, height and relationship status; some figure it’s irrelevant, particularly if booty is the objective. (Women do this, too, from the stories I’ve heard from men.)
- Men don’t care so much about a woman’s lies – if they’re just looking for a hook-up.
- If a man likes a woman, honesty is important, right from the start.
“No thanks” is rare, but not unheard of
- Divorced dads can score pretty easily, if they choose to. Not all do.
- Some men seek emotional attachment, or at least a “liking” for the lady before bedding her, and that may take more than a few dates.
- Sex on the first date often means no seconds – date, that is. And generally, it’s a relationship killer.
- Those initial impressions are indelible – resemblance to a photo (if Internet-introduced), scent, voice, smile.
- Getting back in the game isn’t a given; it takes time for re-entry, both to socialize comfortably, or to score.
Hot in bed, tepid in life
- For many who are newly divorced, it’s all about the sex; for some, it’s an attempt to heal through relationship. (Guys, the same is true for the women I know.)
- Great sex doesn’t require emotional connection, and a great relationship doesn’t guarantee great sex. No scoop here! But we are reminded that sex and love are not one and the same.
- That aside, many intrepid divorced dads are looking for both.
Kids and privacy
- Separation of church and state seems to be the rule. Divorced dads don’t bring someone around to meet their kids unless there’s a relationship. It needn’t have run-off-to-Vegas in the future, but it’s more than a fling.
- Otherwise, sexual adventures are kept out of sight and out of earshot.
- Age of children and custodial arrangements are significant factors in sleepovers and meetings.
Hearts and parts
- For some, experimentation takes priority – sampling many flowers in a variety of gardens may be the norm, for some time after divorce.
- When a man really likes a woman, he takes his time. Or at least, more time, before making a move.
- Long-term divorced dads have left their share of broken hearts, and had theirs shredded a time or two.
- Repeaters abound (to my surprise) – those who continue to fall for women who are guaranteed to break their hearts. (This is not confined to men, or those who are divorced.)
- Preferred parts of the female form are, of course, a matter of personal preference. There are as many ass men as leg men as boob men and small-of-the-back men… well, you get the picture. And dating younger (women), or wanting to, is still verrrrry common.
- Single dads interested in a relationship, if they’re actively involved with their kids, want to date women who are moms; there’s common ground of the most fundamental sort.
- In the population I sampled – late 30s to mid 60s – when the heart is involved, the rest is secondary. Parts are parts, and hearts rule. Maybe we get better with age in more ways than one!
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As a divorced dad, I agree with much of what you wrote. I disagree with this one though: Divorced dads can score pretty easily.
When I was newly divorced, I found it easy to get dates. Partly because internet dating was new. Partly because my kids were quite young, and women could picture themselves in my kids’ lives.
These days, I find it MUCH harder to get a date, let alone score. The available pool of women is much smaller for me. I don’t find it easy to score these days, at all.
Agreed with dadshouse. For divorced dad’s to score more, requires a commitment from the girl. From my experience, being a divorced dad is not necessarily a immediate wall, but one that requires them to commit to the idea that they want to be there. In your world.
And, of course, if your spending time with them, you want a real relationship and not necessarily a hookup anyways.
The other element I’ve been asked early on, weirdly enough, is if I want more kids. Basically asking me if I would start a family with them. Good question and rightfully deserved. Since, it seems that I attract the older single women. There in family mode.
They want to be in your world, but want the idea that your willing to be in there’s too. So it’s all fair.
Divorced Mom’s come with there own issues and concerns, but I have found that there is greater level of maturity and understanding, than single women. It is very valuable perspective. And, when you need to explain that you “have” to go to the ex’s house to pick up the kids, then they are more understanding. This issue has shown up a couple of times with single women. Especially if they are interested in starting a new family.
Divorce sure does present yourself with a double-edged sword.
Very fascinating… It’s good to see some of the old traditional rules still hold up (no messing around on the first date if you want a relationship etc.)
Interesting. Blushing yet again. Love that you are doing some very scientific polling on very important topics. (By the way, that Lucy Liu? She’s a hideous creature, no?)
Most men want the family circle but i believe its to easy for women now to leave and not look back. Why isn’t there more Families sticking it out anymore!
I say Because they both have jobs that can support themselves! no reason to work together like the cave man days! We really don’t need each other to survive just flings to get us by
I think it’s difficult for most families to get by on 1 income alone. I also think many women would love nothing more than for both parties in the marriage to be equally committed to the family unit. There are many good men and good women out there who believe in working on marriage, but if two don’t believe, you’ve got nothing. Thank you for joining our discussion. I hope you come back and visit again.