I miss stormy.
Okay. I’ll rephrase. I miss occasionally stormy. It isn’t what I experienced in marriage, and at the time, I thought that was a plus. Of course, things were rocky at the end, and that’s to be expected.
But the relationship itself seemed to run smoothly. Quietly. We rarely fought. If anything, we avoided disputes. I know I bit my tongue a great deal, and chose to acquiesce a little too much.
I also recognize that history is revisionist; every couple has a different view of their past. With time, we recreate a more righteous self, however unintentionally.
And I miss stormy.
Oh, not throw-things-across-the-room stormy. That’s never been my style. But passionate engagement with a partner? The kind where you butt heads in heated discussion, in a lick of jealousy that sustains sexual interest? That’s another matter. Those disagreements end by tumbling into bed and making up, passionately.
Passionate relationship, or troubled?
My relationships before marriage (and one or two since) included this bit of edge. Passion, in shared pursuits. Passion, in disagreements. Passion as a way of life. Passion – for each other.
Recently, my dreaming world is offering up signs of change. I’m no longer wandering streets aimlessly, an unsettling and recurring theme I’m happy to discard. I am, however, smack in the middle of a variety of adventures – most of which linger as I wake, and stay with me for part of the day.
The setting? Sometimes, Paris. Other times New York, or San Francisco. New faces, old faces – people and places I’m encountering with renewed energy in an active life. A different life. And one in which there are relationships. Friends. Colleagues. And a partner.
Dreams as predictors or reflectors?
I pay attention to what wanders through my sleeping psyche, observing and listening to the cleaved self – or is that selves? Multiple hats, multiple worlds, seemingly competing goals and pulls, and even a duo of languages. Yet what is emerging is risk-taking, awareness of competence. Capacity – for whatever comes, including passion.
This morning, I know this: the sun is shining, the air is sharp with its November bite, I slept little, I dreamed well. I have a growing desire to speak my mind. Not loudly, but clearly.
Challenges remain, yet obstacles aren’t always a bad thing, are they? They require us to fight – and fight hard – sometimes butting heads. With others, and with ourselves.
- Is your relationship stormy?
- Do you know how to fight – effectively – to air important matters?
- Do you ever butt heads with yourself, on the way to discovering something better?
Passion, to me, is so so important. My last relationship seemed to include it’s fair share of storminess without having any passion.
The one I’m in now is passionate, and I am acutely aware that it is this that makes the difference. But ask me again in 15 years.
That “ask me again in 15 years” is important. And how to get there. Perhaps there are some wiser than I am who know how to keep enough passion alive over the years to sustain the relationship. No easy feat.
I’m impressed by how much you remember from your dreams — I have a lot of trouble with recall in that realm.
As for storminess, I’d say we’re up and down here. On some issues, there’s definite friction. In others, we get along a lot more than I think we would have had we not had eight years of long-distance commuting to deal with. Irritation is relative when you have limited time to enjoy each other! But that’s also trained us to avoid conflict in ways that aren’t healthy. So we’re working on that.
Hope you got to enjoy an extra hour of rest with the switch back to standard time this weekend. Thinking of you.
You raise an interesting point, CT. The issue of a long-distance relationship, and its effects. It does tend to train you to avoid conflict, because you don’t have daily contact. I hadn’t thought of that aspect of marriages or relationships in which the couple shares only limited time together.
I subscribe to your column and was drawn in by the topic, only to discover that u also mentioned dreams and their meaning. I JUST wrote about this exact topic in my latest post, primarily because of recurring dreams of reconciling w my stormy ex husband. Must be something in the air!
Nice to have you here, Cougel. Yes, I think dreams are very telling. But right now, you have me dreaming of noodles. 😉
Each marriage relationship handles conflict differently and there are quite a few ways to handle conflict. There are those who are passionate (or volatile in the research) those who are more passive (avoidant) and those who are better at discussing (validating), each is actually very effective. (If you are interested, you can see my post I wrote about this a few months back– http://www.makingthemomentscount.com/2010/09/16/gottman-conflict-styles-and-why-i-am-not-worried-about-my-marriage-revisited/)
Ben and I are definitely passionate. We are not, however, aggressive (which is very different), but we do have loud and, yes, passionate discussions. It’s something I love. Though, as with everything, our passion can lead to harshness if we let it. The important thing is, not letting it.
(I hope some of this comment made sense. My brain is a bit fuzzy today.)
That’s a noteworthy distinction, Amber – passionate versus aggressive.
And thank you for the link!
Hubs and I only fight over one thing: his family. And boy, those fights are doozies. Aside from that, things go fairly smoothly, mainly because hubs is allergic to conflict.