Is a woman alone always a sad sight? Is this only true in certain scenarios? Why do so many of us perceive the solo female in social circumstances as an object of pity, concern or derision?
I suppose that if she’s attractive, smiling, and gazing out a café or restaurant window expectantly, we imagine she’s (happily) awaiting someone, and enjoying a moment of quiet reflection. But otherwise? Even if armed with an iPad and smartphone, a paperback or newspaper… will we ask ourselves why she’s alone if everyone around her is in groups or paired off?
Are You a Woman Alone? Date Yourself!
This article on Bustle addresses the options for taking yourself on a date solo, and poses these questions of why we seem to perpetuate societal shaming for women on their own. The article also suggests venues to be enjoyed if you’re considering the “date yourself” approach and want to feel comfortable.
While not precisely the same issue, I am reminded of an episode of Sex and the City from Season Three. Miranda and Steve have just broken up (for the second time), and he is still camped out on her sofa without an affordable place to live. She inadvertently intercepts a message on her machine that’s intended for him, as a woman he just met casually — a ‘girl executive’ — is asking the cute bartender out.
Miranda, exasperated, says to Carrie:
A 34-year-old guy with no money and no place to live because he single… is a catch. But… A 34-year-old woman with a job and a great home because she’s single … is considered tragic!
Isn’t this a related phenomenon? Don’t we still persist in attributing more value to a woman if she’s in a relationship?
Having lived much of my life on my own (and fine with it), 20 years or so living with children (and quite happily), and a few other years here and there with someone I loved, I’ve had a taste of all variations of living arrangements. During the years I lived alone, rare were the days that I felt like I ought to be an object of pity.
Post-Breakup Loneliness
After a serious breakup?
Sure. There was grieving, loss, longing and even a measure of disorientation. The rhythms of our daily habits are changed when we no longer share them with another adult. With a partner. Critical to restoring the balance (and orientation) is time… to reflect, to heal, to reshape routine and to refocus.
Of course, following divorce, there was the private (and exclusionary) club of couples from which I was (not so subtly) cast out — a common enough occurrence. But surely, the many years of single status before marriage had prepared me to lead a full and interesting life.
And I suspect that’s key to how we see ourselves when we are again on our own.
Incidentally, the Bustle article’s ‘date yourself’ suggestions include trying out a live music venue, a nice restaurant, and a bookstore among others. (That last is my happy place, whatever my relationship status.)
As for bars, this point will be familiar to many:
… Most of us have trouble going out alone… A woman alone is a strange thing… Sure, she could be sitting in a cafe, shopping, or getting a pedicure. These are the socially-acceptable ways that many of us seek out time alone. But a woman alone at a bar? What are the assumptions we make about her?
But what if we frequent a friendly ‘Cheers’ bar now and then, where the faces may become familiar? Does that make a difference? What about a jazz bar, where we can sit back and sip a drink, and lose ourselves deliciously in the bass or the sax? Is it all about letting go of what we think others (in groups) will imagine? Can’t we allow ourselves the pleasure of people watching and music?
Ah, the Holiday Lonelies…
I’ve known holidays entirely on my own, holidays ‘en famille’ with a romantic partner and my children, and holidays in other configurations as well. They’ll have their pros and cons, though we tend to have specific expectations as to how a happy holiday season is supposed to look.
It seems to me that expectations are the root of the problem. If we find ourselves alone on a special occasion or at the holidays, who says we can’t treat ourselves to a wonderful time — solo?
Why not a day or two sumptuously snuggled under the covers with War and Peace, or for that matter, your favorite Jackie Collins? Why not a weekend on the slopes with the bright winter air and your body gloriously in motion? Why not that fortnight in Bermuda or the Cotswolds that you’ve been dreaming of for years?
Why not reconnect with others who are going solo — in person or online?
Why not volunteer your time and skills and backbone where it would truly do some good?
Real Life: Endings Make Way for Beginnings
I consider myself fortunate to have experienced love of many types, and from this experience, to understand the importance of valuing my own company. If anything, I crave time alone when I don’t have enough; for me, a quality relationship achieves a balance among ‘me,’ ‘you’ and ‘us.’
Don’t we all understand that every life includes beginnings and endings? We hope the endings are kind, we delight in the surprise of beginnings, and if you’re anything like me, you appreciate the sweetness of the middle years — however imperfect — in which trust is established, challenges are weathered, joys are shared, and intimacy is ever increasing.
A woman solo?
She may or may not have an immediate desire for a partner of some sort. First and foremost, isn’t she an individual? Shouldn’t she value herself enough to feel comfortable when not coupled, and to enjoy time off between relationships that isn’t considered a pause in her life, but part of living her life fully and well?
After a breakup, I’ve always considered romantic downtime an important remove from intense emotional engagement. To me, it’s a necessary and respectful palate cleanser. Then again, you may find you prefer to “play” — and hey, that’s your decision! I admit, I may be slow on the uptake considering it took me nearly three years before beginning my dating adventures following divorce.
Gaining Comfort With Going Solo
Am I comfortable going to a café alone?
Sometimes, yes. It depends on when and where, and the mood I’m in. I’m also far more at ease doing so in a big city, where it’s much more common. Would I take myself out to the symphony or a movie on my own?
You bet. And I’ve also traveled on my own for years, and had wonderful experiences doing so.
At this stage in life, I may prefer a mix of relationship and alone time. That is an express choice, rather than a “default position.” And I’ve watched with interest as friends (of both sexes) jump back into socializing after marriage or living together and do so with desperation, seeking to distract, divert and dilute the power of loss, rather than getting reacquainted with themselves “on their own.”
Dating yourself — man or woman? It’s a concept I like, as the Bustle article reminds us:
Being able to be alone with yourself, especially in a romantic way, is essential — whether you’re in love, or looking for it. After all, without the ability to romance ourselves, how can we expect to exude a romantic energy, or really love ourselves to begin with?
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These are wonderful thoughts! I need a measure of solo time and when it is lacking (whether I’m in a partnership or not) or I feel drained and “foggy.” I enjoy movies and shopping alone. I love my outdoor exercise alone and it is in this activity that I think I have most learned to enjoy my own company. Even in my most ‘crowded’ seasons, like university dorm life and mothering three under four years of age, what I missed most was a bit of isolation!
When I see a woman alone, her expression affects the way I feel about her more than her solo state. Is she upbeat? hurried? stressed? downcast? These things impact me more.
This kind of makes me want to be alone right now!
Great observations, Missy! (And I’m laughing at your last remark.) 😉
I am a male and traveled extensively both nationally and internationally in a long and lucrative career in sales that spanned over 50 years. Accordingly, I had to spend many evenings dining alone. I detest eating alone! I NEVER got used to eating alone! I am a product of a large and close family, and my parents always insisted on the family eating dinner together. It was during this part of the day that my parents learned what all of their children did on that day which kept them up to date on everything. Actually it was great for all of us “Kids” also to keep up with “The Haps” as we used to say. My wife and I followed this as we raised our 3 sons and it produced the same wonderful results.
When I had to eat alone, the only way I could get through it was if I had the NY Times or a book with me to read! Sitting at a table in a restaurant alone with nothing to do or nobody to talk to while you are waiting for your dinner to be served is absolutely repulsive to me!
I am an extroverted and very social person, and I’ll leave sitting like a “Stump” in a restaurant to those who cherish their “Solo Time.” Different strokes for different folks!
I don’t know if I have ever looked differently at a man or woman dining alone or watching a movie alone ever. Maybe it is because I have done all of these things and more alone and with partners.
Maybe it is because I think nothing of it and have no idea if people are alone by choice or otherwise.
I want and need to start dating myself. Gonna put some effort into that 🙂
I adore my time on my own, but I don’t get very much of it these days! I’m not a fan of having dinner on my own in a restaurant, but a long afternoon coffee or lunch? Yes. A long day out perusing the stores or even an evening in all by myself? Yes please! xx
Yumm, treating myself to reading backward through your posts … alone! But, more seriously, there is an alone stumbling block I want to get over. I am fine, possibly usually happier now, traveling alone, cycling long distances or walking; museums, bistros, shops, restaurants, lodgings of all sorts, concerts. My stumbling block: jazz clubs. I just love music, especially classical, chanson, jazz. Classical, no problem, it’s a hall of some kind. But jazz clubs? I think I’d be fine in a venue that I know, but new places … I’m intimidated, and can’t quite wrap my head around why. But I am lucky enough to be looking forward to a solo week in Paris, and determined to Get Over It. Thanks so much for your posts, just passed your site on to a friend again today.
Thanks for the good words, Suze! It’s interesting that you mention jazz clubs, and Paris. First let me say that I used to go to a jazz club not far from where I live, always by myself, and I was surprisingly comfortable. I could sip a drink at the bar, enjoy the music, chat a little with others or not chat at all… And it was fine. (You might find a ‘cozy’ jazz spot and check it out before going at night.)
As for Paris, most of my times I’ve visited or lived there, I’ve been on my own. I went pretty much everywhere solo, and again it was always fine! Are some activities more fun when you’re with a friend or a group? Absolument. But I used the Get Over It line on myself as well, and I’m so glad that I did.
And I’m so happy you’re back reading and commenting again!
Happy New Year,
xo
Thanks! I’ll think of you while I’m there … especially in that jazz club. And wishing you the very best of New Years, on your 2016 voyage around the sun.