By Anonymous D
My first.
Picture the storybook couple who awkwardly enters the hotel room after saying their vows, preparing to consummate their marriage for the first time.
That was me, minus the awkwardness. My new spouse had been my first boyfriend and was now my first lover.
I met my boyfriend at 16 when he was 19. He was exciting, sweet, and experienced in relationships. I was naive in some ways and mature for my age in others. He was my first serious boyfriend and second kiss. He taught me many things with his tender and patient manner. When we first started making out and exploring each other, I had a hard time not going all the way.
I came from a culture in which waiting until after marriage for sex was common. As a young woman, I was taught that if I did anything with a boy or man before marriage, I would lose my virtue with a “price [that] is far above rubies.” In essence, my eternal salvation (as my church taught it) was at stake. But when I started messing around with my boyfriend, not only did it feel good, it felt right.
At the same time, I felt conflicted and guilty. I had been taught that if I ever crossed The Line, a line that was never fully defined in the discussions on chastity in my teenage years, I would feel dark and dirty. But I was madly in love with my boyfriend. I knew (and know) he was a unique person — the one I wanted to give myself to, fully.
After an intense and intimate 4-year relationship, though without intercourse, my boyfriend proposed and a few short weeks later, we were married.
I remember my mother sat me down the week before my wedding. She warned me that the wedding night would probably not be as I expected; she warned of awkwardness and potential pain. Thankfully, her warnings were unnecessary. Though it was painful at first, my husband was gentle. Throughout our honeymoon, sex was pleasurable, intense, and fun. The whole experience completely surpassed my expectations. Overall, it was freeing. I discovered that my partner and I speak the same sexual language and that I really like sex.
As I look back, I don’t regret waiting until after marriage to have sex with my husband. It worked for us and our sex life continues to be immensely fulfilling. The doubt that occasionally surfaces concerns the expectations I bring into the marriage. Since I had no sexual experience other than my spouse (he did), I have nothing to which I can compare what we currently have. I feel that he and I must consistently perform exceptionally well to avoid boredom in the bedroom.
My husband and I agreed to a sexually monogamous relationship, an agreement I am fully committed to. But I will admit to feeling like I missed out on something by not having sexual experiences with other people. It’s as if I must compete with all these imaginary partners to ensure that my sexual life is both fulfilling and exciting, and so I don’t feel tempted to go outside the marriage.
And, again, because I don’t have sexual experience, I have no idea if this is normal or not normal.
As I think about how I teach my children about sex – or will teach them as they get older – I know that I will urge them to do things differently than how I did. I want them to feel comfortable exploring their sexuality, without guilt, in ways they feel are right for them.
© Anonymous D
This is part 11 in a series on first sexual experiences.
You may Also Enjoy
This was true for both my ex husband and myself. We lasted 20 years and then the itch needed scratching to see what else was out there. He remarried within three years and is now married another 22+ years and I vowed never to remarry but just have fun and live a life I missed for the first 39. It worked for both of us.
Hope your itch doesn’t become a scratch. I advised my sons so differently as well. Travel first and marry later. It doesn’t assure a long time marriage but it helps.
What is it about what could be on the other side of the fence that is so alluring? I don’t say this judgmentally, I get it. But it sounds like you have something really good and fulfilling where you are – and as that old adage goes, “the grass is always greener where you water it.” Wishing you happy watering.
I didn’t get a notion of “the itch” from this at all; only natural curiosity. I do see an appreciation from Anonymous D for the fulfilling personal life she shares with her husband, and awareness of the conflicts that were part of her upbringing.
My reaction to this essay is that it is a beautiful and honest expression of this woman’s reality. I wish her a lifetime of this same pleasure and commitment.
One always wonders about what if one had had a different life. Of course. But you can’t have it both ways. I would have wondered (quite naturally), but also been content had my first wife been a match with me. I know some folks who have gone one way and also know some who have gone the other. Whatever. Please do be a little forgiving if folks give in to temptation, however, if that’s all it was. American society has changed over the past few decades.
p.s. Re your Carry the Bride picture. Always wanted to do that (a la Cary Grant), and once had the perfect romantic opportunity when I was in my 50’s. First time with a good friend — we were downstairs and the time was clearly NOW. Should have just gone to the rug, but I swept her up in my arms and carried her across the house and up a flight of stairs and to the bedroom, and then over to the bed… and essentially collapsed.
We were friends and it was no problem later on, but a lesson. Should have just gone to the rug.