Sometimes, I feel as though I’m expected to pull a rabbit out of my hat.
In fact, I think I have, over and over again – as a parent.
I know I’m not alone. It’s the magic feat of the single mother or father, the working mother or father, the solo parent most of all. It’s the magic feat of the mother who is raising sons – sometimes navigating foreign territory, and hoping for the best.
Then there are the acts of disappearance – with the expectation of reappearance after long minutes of tense waiting, and even fear. We count on the magician to deliver a satisfying resolution.
The magic trick that goes awry? It leaves us desolate.
The Magician’s Panache
When I was a child I loved the magician’s panache. I’d marvel at the assistant who steps into the box and disappears, or even more so, those movies of Houdini’s escapes, drawn into the grueling moments of suspense and then the return, executed with confidence and a flourish.
Pulling a vanishing act from our online communities? We all do it, when impacted by the responsibilities and concerns of the “real world.” Disappearing from one aspect of who we are to pay attention to another? We all do it – by choice, or because we must.
I feel as though I’ve pulled my own disappearing act in recent weeks, and more so these past days. I’ve been where I usually am – on my laptop or with it at my side, doing what I do. But my priorities have been elsewhere. My focus has been hijacked. And both, rightly so – as life shuffles our priorities, and usual routines are dropped by the wayside.
There were taxes to tend to of course, and just as that tedious and time-consuming task was winding down, there were number-crunching and coordination activities to take care of, known to millions of us as FAFSA and CSS. For those who don’t have college kids in their midst – or don’t quite yet – may I say you have an entertaining experience to look forward to?
The Week’s Events
Then we come to this week. This tragic, emotional, and other-worldly week.
For those who live in or hail from Texas, and for those who have ties to that great state, I can only imagine your eyes have been on the news and your heart has been in your throat since the terrible explosion in the small town of West.
For those, like me, with connections to the Boston area, or those who are runners, those who love the Marathon, those who have felt personally affronted by this week’s bombings and the manhunt that ensued – I venture to say your emotional state is a jumble. Much like mine.
For some of us, the events of Marathon Day brought back the fear we felt on 9/11 and in the days following. The human mind is remarkable in its facility to chain events together, to link shocking and vulnerable moments, and to remind us how precious a single life is.
How precious those we love are to us – that we should tell them so, and live our lives as if we mean it – every single day.
Connections, Confusion
As one with deep ties to the Boston area, my disappearing act this week has much to do with the shock of watching events unfold on television in neighborhoods adjacent to where I grew up, neighborhoods that haven’t changed in generations, and knowing one of my sons was in a locked down area. Seeing the face of that 19-year old, I couldn’t help but think of my younger child who wears his cap in a similar fashion, over his equally “wild” hair and big brown eyes.
Like so many other college students. Like so many other sons.
What makes a boy described as “a wonderful kid” turn into something so inhuman? A boy described with a sense of humor and friends, and a “promising future?” What explains the disappearing act of all that is connective, feeling, and decent? How does compassion vanish from the heart? How does evil flower in its place?
We can look to roots in other countries, and try to place blame or find an explanation. We can look to troubles in our country, and try to place blame or find an explanation. We can look to the way the human mind is influenced and led to darkened places, and seek explanations.
Hold Someone You Love
Most of us cannot fathom this sort of indifference to suffering. But I remain both numb and relieved at the events of this week which for me were already so much about my own sons: long hours of digging through documents to provide financial data for their education, and glancing at pictures of my boys – grateful I know where they are, and that they’re both alright.
There are families with so much healing to come. My heart goes out to them.
There is a way of life we too often take for granted. Why does it take these tragedies for us to appreciate it?
Will our sense of security become part of our disappearing act? Will our willingness to live our lives as we wish be degraded by these events?
I hope we will reach out and hold each other. I hope we will be resolute. I hope we will insist on our re-emergence, with confidence and a flourish.
Bad things happen. The trick is not to accept them and not to let them substantially effect us as individuals and as a society. This can be tricky especially with the bombardment of constant media coverage, internet saturation, and subject matter in several conversations, especially with loved ones effected and living in the area. To allow these acts to substantially change us or our society is to accede to the perpetrators wishes and intentions and diminish our lives and quality of life.
The immediate and emminent threat has been resolved temporarily by the death and arrest of the perpetratrators. While the natural emotions relate to asking how this happened and retribution, we need to let the authorities now build their case and start dissecting how this happened. In due time we will discover what and why it happened. I hope forensic psychiatrists and law enforcement specialists have the ability to fully understand what happened and why so that we may better intervene, predict and catch such individuals in the future.
While we are doing this, we need to consider acting as if this is a domestic matter. If there is the evidence that this is primarily a domestic matter we can proceed. If this is more international in nature we have to ponder an appropriate response. One needs to realize that Putin would love to have a free hand and the support of the US in acting brutally in Chechnya.
I wish the media was more helpful than sensational. It seems we could be more effective if we understood the needs and situations of the victims. Is there a charity or government or charity that will assist them. Are there counselors for the victims and their families. How is this being paid for. What about those who are so gravely injured that they will need rehabilitation and perhaps some disability coverage. Do they have the ability to tend to these matters or is there a government or charity to assist. Has or is a fund being established.
I know, it is not very sexy or sensational but these will be immediate needs and these are great concerns to those whole are already innocent victims. Can we give the victims a little more air time and concern. Does failure to do so say something about our media, politicians and society, or, are we still in shock and processing the results.
I agree that the media can and should be less sensational. All those points you mention, Curtis – all those tangible things we need to discuss and help with to do with the victims and their healing, not to mention how we pay for it – all should be uppermost on our minds.
That doesn’t change the emotions that need their airing, as they too will give way to the priorities we must keep in mind – those who are affected. Supporting them. Positive change.
I can’t fathom how someone gets to the point of wanting to kill others. I looked at my grandson this week and thought of those boys who were once small.
Great post.
I can’t fathom it either, Janie. I guess that’s why I’m writing about it – directly or indirectly. Trying to understand. Hoping that if we can come to understand, we can make changes so the violence will stop.
I hear you. I can’t look at that 19 year old kid without feeling terrible — he could be anyone we know, and I just don’t understand how someone reaches the point he did. I hope we can actually learn something from him. I think we need to wake up and teach our boys compassion, empathy, sensitivity — all the things that are not “macho.” The young males in this country are in crisis. We are failing them as a society and it effects all of us.
What is so striking, Lois, is that all the friends they talked with and one of his teachers as well, I think – all said he was friendly, funny, smart, well adjusted, one to help others. It makes no sense.
But I agree about our young males. What are we teaching them? What are we – all of us – modeling for them? And how much does everything that is seen in the media affect them, as it affects our girls (differently)? How do we do better?
And in the wake of this tragedy, so many families will need our help. We seem to have too short a memory in this country. (Or is that just our politicians and lobbyists?)
Apparently there is a fund for the victims set up by the Govenor and the Mayor, per the Huffington Post:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/18/one-fund-boston-donations_n_3109887.html
Per the Boston Mayor’s Office
http://www.cityofboston.gov/mayor/
Website:
http://onefundboston.org/
Thanks for this, Curtis. And a mention – people should ALWAYS be careful of scams. Give only to those organizations that are official, well-known, and verifiable.
It is unfathomable. The older one seems to have been disenfranchised and angry, but the younger one? He had friends, a future, a sense of humor, success in our society, and an entire life spread out before of him. How could it go so terribly wrong? And I wonder when we get our answers, if any are forthcoming, whether they will make any sense to us.
sad events indeed.
no more words.
but sending you a virtual hug.
When the pictures of the marathon bombers were released, my first reaction was, “they are just kids”.
I am also filled with sadness that a kid who seemed to be happy, smart, friendly could go off-track so dramatically. How could a kid who seems so much like our kids have done this? Who failed him? Who didn’t notice that he was veering off course? If their community knew his brother was out of control, why did no one intervene for the young brother? If the older brother was under surveillance, why not try and rescue the younger one? How did we fail this boy?
My heart certainly goes out to the many victims of his heinous acts, but as a parent, it also goes out to this young man.
I cannot believe people are thinking about drones in the US.
http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2013/04/23/boston-bombing-changes-lawmakers-views-on-drone-killings-of-americans-on-us-soil
Yes, to all of this. I haven’t shed a tear in a couple of days but I’m doing it again. I’ve definitely done my share of disappearing. I’ve faulted myself for it, for not being able to ride past bad events and just get on with my own responsibilities. But I need to accept that this is the way I am. I’m rattled by all that has happened and there have been days where I’ve just needed to reduce my work load or get take-out for dinner. I agree with everything Deb says. It would have been so much easier to look at this tragedy and hate the perpetrators, but this particular tragedy has me thinking on so many levels, and feeling so much sadness for everyone.
Sadness for everyone. I echo your sentiments, Cecilia.