Talking to strangers? Some of my finest encounters have resulted from exactly that. Likewise, a few of my most frightening moments.
Let’s start with the positives, shall we?
There was the man who helped me when I was 16 and in Soviet Russia. I was traveling as a student with a small group, and we wandered around through the summer more or less on our own.
I was lost in the Moscow subway system, my Russian was mediocre, and my lousy sense of direction – now the stuff of legend – had me utterly disoriented.
I needed an assist and I imagine distress was written all over my fearful adolescent face!
A stranger with a briefcase asked what was wrong. I managed to explain my dilemma, and when he offered to accompany me from one end of the subterranean system to the other, I was torn.
Who was this guy? KGB? Would I need my Harriet the Spy get-up?
Was he a nut job? Jackovitch the Ripper? Or simply a Muscovite good Samaritan?
Truth is “Stranger” than Fiction
I said yes – with trepidation. He congenially stayed at my side as we transferred lines and rode along, and he delivered me where I needed to go. No doubt he made himself very late to his destination, which I realized even as I thanked him, and he said goodbye.
I still remember that random act of kindness. And I’ve tried to pay it forward as an adult, when I see a stranger in a jam and think I can help.
Oh, there have been other spontaneous scenes with strangers, and I certainly don’t regret them. The breast-fed Boomer Boy? He’s one I’ll never forget!
As for the advice we give to our children – about not talking to strangers?
I think it’s excellent. But as adults we’re constantly making judgment calls. Should we talk to this stranger? Should we avoid that one? How do we discern when a situation calls for reaching out, or pulling back for our own protection?
Aren’t our teachers, our neighbors, our future spouses strangers at first? Don’t we all have glorious tales of random run-ins that lead to remarkable relationships? Aren’t we all strangers – before we get to know each other?
Strange (and Funny) Encounters
A few months back, I found myself with new friends lost in a state park attempting to find a restaurant. And no, we didn’t anticipate an eatery in the forest; we were tooling along a country road, made a few wrong turns, and even the GPS was muddled. We were passing campers and tents, trailers and grills, then circling through towering pines on winding roads.
Eventually we wised up, we backtracked, and we stopped a gentleman who resembled Santa, as he was cruising slowly down the road in a golf cart – no idea why! We engaged him in conversation, explained that we were lost, and the exchange was brief but hilarious.
He thought we were nuts (but harmless); and the feeling was (inoffensively) mutual.
His directions were hopeless and we quickly abandoned them, navigating our way out and even finding the restaurant. The experience – bonding and amusing – was a reminder of how thoroughly enchanting people can be, and how a day can turn on a dime for the better when you dare to talk to a stranger.
Relationship Safety
Sometimes, our encounters with the unknown are less than entertaining. We rightfully worry about meeting strangers when we date – at least, if we have any common sense, or we’ve seen Fatal Attraction.
In the land of Craig’s List hook-ups and Internet meet-ups we’d be foolish not to take precautions. My own list includes a few basics:
- Meeting in a public place
- No revealing details of where you live
- Not putting out too much personal information
- Checking out the person first – Google, LinkedIn, etc.
So we take our time, we use the Internet to verify their claims, and we ask friends if possible. But this doesn’t necessarily protect us from all risk, or the possibility of a disturbing incident.
One Date + Intimidation + Harassment = Fear and Hiding
Several years ago I went out with a man I met through Match. We’d had a few email exchanges, a pleasant phone call, and because he was known in the community (and I thoroughly checked him out), I made the mistake of allowing him to pick me up in his car, at my house.
Bad move.
Our perfectly polite dinner date turned creepy when I tried to get out of the car and he cornered me. He was big, I’m not, and fighting would have gotten me nowhere. Let’s just say – he wanted more than I was willing to give. His “impeccable reputation” was of little relevance, and I was left to my wits and my words to work my way out of a terrifying situation.
I made it into the house, I locked all the doors, I alarmed the security system. But what followed was even more bizarre and went on for months – intimidating overtures via phone, followed by apologies in emails and messages, along with more insistent requests to date.
I was scared. I was constantly looking over my shoulder. He knew where I lived, and the communications (which I ignored) continued for more than a year.
Friend or Foe?
Needless to say, I stopped dating. I brooded. I hid. I somehow felt to blame though I knew nothing in my behavior should have provoked the incident or its aftermath.
Happily, my security company whom I called immediately stepped in. The owner checked on me regularly, and he had off-duty police patrolling in front of my house throughout those long months.
But what had triggered this seemingly “normal” guy, pillar of the community, to harass me in this manner?
I imagine I’ll never know.
I also imagine you have your own stories when it comes to talking to strangers, and possibly your own guidelines.
Perhaps your stories are funny. Perhaps they’re poignant. In any event you’ve likely developed your own sixth sense when it comes to safety, without resorting to living in isolation.
As to my scary experience, I still find I talk to strangers. Strangers become friends. Strangers become family. But strangers also pose potential risk, and we’re better off paying attention to the basics as we strive to strike a balance between common sense and the pleasure of new connections.
You May Also Enjoy
I remember when, for a short time, my Dad and I carpooled to work. One day, for the first time ever, I ran out of gas on the highway. (We were commuting over 90 miles one way to work.) I left Dad in the car and started walking to the next exit/gas station and a beautiful young woman picked me up. I was flabbergasted and after thanking her profusely asked her why she would do that? She said that she saw the car and wasn’t that my dad in it? I said yes. She said that she just hoped that if it ever happened to her husband, that someone would pick her hubbie up. Cool beans.
Sometimes we go with a gut feel, Gandalfe. Still, a risky move for her. Not sure I would’ve done it. 30 years ago? Yes. Now? Don’t think so.
I talk to strangers all the time and have only had one weird dating experience with a guy from a dating site. That was all it took. Still talk to strangers on plane, parks, and in towns I visit. I would say all except one had enriched my life.
Great post, D. I, too, talk to strangers even though I grew up constantly looking over my shoulder. I spent a good chunk of my childhood in a not great part of town, so creeps were the norm. I’d learned to develop a very strong sixth sense early on but NOT assertiveness. More than once I offered up too much personal information because I was too afraid to be rude. Yes, I wish I could slap the old me.
When I lived in the northeast I was probably overly cautious. I remember once avoiding conversation with this chatty man on the bus. Turns out later (I overheard him striking up conversation with other friendlier passengers) that he was a teacher from Georgia and he and his students were visiting Boston (his whole class was on the bus en route to Harvard Square). I felt rather ashamed of myself. I could have been more welcoming. Later some of the kindest strangers I would meet would be in foreign countries. I now try to do the same too, and to be a good stranger…especially to children, though that can be tricky because they have been taught not to talk to strangers (which I understand).
Our most recent living environments really impact how friendly we are to strangers, I think. I remember one summer during Wellesley when I was working in the inner city – I was still in Wellesley mode and chatting up a storm with random strangers on the streets. (You can just imagine!) I now live in the south, and I find this environment comfortable for me. I get to be chatty with strangers and not have to feel nervous about it. Before this I had spent almost a decade in Tokyo, where nobody chats. I think I became starved for those harmless but somehow valuable connections with strangers.
As you point out, Cecilia, regional norms add to our willingness to be open to strangers. Both a good thing and a not so good thing… It’s hard to adjust from one environmental norm to another. We still need that sixth sense!
In 1990, at 2am, I was getting on the highway from a country road when I saw a young woman stopped in a car at the side of the on-ramp. I circled back around and asked if she needed help. It turns out her alternator wasn’t working and Dad’s car had died. We wrote a note for the police and put it on the dashboard then I drove her twenty miles to her parents’ home. Remember this was before cell phones were commonplace.
Today, I wouldn’t do that. I would suggest any young lady stay in her car. I would phone the police and let them deal with the situation. Why? It’s prudent. It’s prudent for the woman as she wouldn’t have to worry about a stranger at 2am out in the middle of nowhere. It’s prudent for me as I wouldn’t have to worry about having any of my actions misconstrued.
Prudent. I’m a nice guy. But I am also a total stranger out in the middle of nowhere at 2am.
I’m reading wb 🙂
If I’m out with Bill or with a friend, I talk to strangers all the time, usually asking directions, etc. When my mom was alive and elderly, I would sit her down in the mall and go off to run errands. When I came back she’d introduce me to the half dozen or so people she’d been chatting with. Mom never met a stranger in her life. I’m not quite that outgoing, but I try to be approachable… up to a point. For a short while I ‘dated’ via newspaper ads – before the Internet was well established here in Britain. I met up with half a dozen different men, always in a public place and after having phoned a friend to say where I was going and agreeing that I would ring her again at a specified time. I had no bad experiences, but yours sounds terrifying.
Location, location, location. Portland (Maine or Oregon) — yes. LA, NYC — more problematic.
I think that talking to strangers is fine, normal, human and often makes life a little better for everyone. The bizarre fear that people have developed, that is often sold by media and politicians for various purposes, really is an attack on our quality of life and humanity. That said it is all a matter of context and knowing what you are doing. There is a difference between talking to someone in a bar, online dating, a date, in a foreign country, in a big city versus a town, depending on gender sometimes, etc.
I easily speak to all sorts of people in all sorts of situations. I have taught this to my children as well with the value that people are people and none are intrinsically worth more than another. This is part of my belief in that the meaning of life is to be happy and have experiences but do no harm. That said, as William Belle noted above, circumstances may dictate otherwise. I would hope the my daughters would call and not take the ride of a stranger. I would not expect them to go to unsupervised parties as teenagers, etc.
I think this may be different for a man, especially in certain foreign countries.
I can tell you of numerous encounters where I have had the benefit of strangers and strangers have acted to benefit me. Even last night at Ikea there was a lady in her 20’s obviously physically and mentally overburdened with two kids in tow, where I helped her carry her things in line and then to the car. The place was quite busy and she quite clearly confirmed that the kids and life were on her last nerve. I was in Paris one time and having had a few too many found myself at the end of the train line. It was in the early morning hours and there was one set of lights on. I went to house to see if I could use the phone and was greeted by a gruff looking Frenchman on what turned out to be his 55th birthday. I was 19 at the time and while educated in French for 9 years, spoke French like Homer Simpson. At that point the gun cam down, a smile crept across his face and he said: “Come in for a drink my friend and… I was based in New York… etc etc” We drank for another three hours with his friends and family. When it was time for the trains to run again he drove me downtown instead of taking the train (I know, don’t tell MADD). I have had many other chance encounters that have been positive.
That said I was in a German train station once with young African American GIs sitting beside me. At some point they asked a German couple what train to take for a certain city. In perfect English and quite politely the German “gentleman” told them exactly what train to take. Unfortunately it was going in the wrong direction and the “gentleman” surely knew this. At that point I intervened identifying where I was from and that the “gentleman” gave them very wrong information. Again the issue is context with reason and gut feelings.
As to dating, well D. A. it sounds like you were lucky and smart. With all due respect this could have happened anywhere and with anyone. What I have always told my daughters are the really dangerous and ill people are the ones that look and seem the most normal. Only over time does the mask slip to reveal what you are dealing with. You don’t have time for the mask to slip when you talk to strangers so you must use reason and gut feelings.
There are some distinct gender issues here. I walk through parking lots and dark areas with my eyes open but probably with a good deal less concern than most women, but that doesn’t mean I think I am invulnerable or that I don’t pay attention to my surroundings because I do.
My willingness or unwillingness to speak with strangers usually has more to do with whether I feel social or not. Sometimes I just don’t want to engage in chit chat with anyone. But I have had some great conversations with strangers.
gosh.
yes.
we talk to strangers all the time.
but we have a Much Better antenna than when we were Young #thankThegods
talking to strangers has led to afternoons in cafes in paris talking about travel(l)ing the world and very early jobs (as a waitress we took everyone’s business card when it was offered never dreaming that they wanted something other than to offer us a brilliant job – they never got the other – we got the job 😉
oh. yes. many encounters.
waving from manhattan.
go and see california solo if it’s at an arthouse near you – just got back – wept buckets – beautiful – heartbreaking – the kindness of strangers.
Listening to a stranger once put my life in danger. I was in Yosemite, and a waiter suggested a hike “off the trail” Huge mistake. It taught me a lesson about trust. Talking to the stranger was not the issue – trusting the judgement of a twenty something who lives in a National Park about a good place to hike for an occasional hiker like me? I should have known better. (He wasn’t a psycho, I was.) If you’re curious, I wrote about the issue here on IdolBuster.
Quite a story, Greg. Another reason to exercise good judgment! (Love your site. So glad you visited.)
I often talk to strangers. Opportunities through shared experiences – like waiting in a line – sometimes create an atmosphere that makes it possible and comfortable. And, you can usually tell whether someone is receptive or not.
Sometimes strangers become familiar even though they remain strangers. When we lived in the city, I passed the same woman selling roses under the overpass every day, as well as a homeless man that used to sleep there. I never learned their names, but we chatted every time I saw them. Most people just ignored them, walked past them like they were invisible.
Recently, I saw a lost child in the grocery store. I offered to help her find her mother, but she was clearly instructed not to talk to strangers. So, I suggested she go ask an employee for help. Again, she refused. She never said a word, but she was trying to get away from me the whole time I was attempting to help her. Later, I saw her with her mother. I wanted to go up to the woman and tell her what happened, so that her daughter might know what to do if it should ever happen again. But, I didn’t. I decided to mind my own business.
Craig’s List? When we sold our house a few years ago, we sold some furniture and other items via Craig’s list. It always made me uncomfortable having strangers come to the house in order to buy the stuff.
Walking two sheepdogs seems to encourage strangers to talk to me. They are like magnets.
I talk with strangers in public places, and only occasionally has it turned out to be something I wish I had not done – and from those occasions I learned to be a bit less forthcoming, a bit more guarded. More often, it brings a chuckle to my day, or something new learned. As with all things, experience and time give the knowledge needed to survive.
Having just come back from a visit to the States, I am highly aware that folks there DO talk to strangers–a LOT–while in France they just talk to themselves…
Bisous,
H
Discretion is the key. Chatting with the person next to you on a plane is more than likely a safe encounter. Talking to a stranger in a dark parking lot might not be a good move. For all the good Samaritans with good intentions out there, there’s always those people that prey on misfortune. We can never be too cautious, but if we’re aware of the possibilities, there may be less chance of a problem. But how to teach discretion to our kids in these types of situations? That’s a tricky question. I tend to be friendly to people in settings where I don’t know them, but always mindful of my surroundings and the context of the situation.
Sadly, I am very leery of strangers and without you there I would have driven around that State Park until well after dark before I ventured asking for directions.
That was a very “guy” thing of you to do. (*grin*) And you are SO MUCH FUN, Chloe Jeffreys! What a hoot that episode was!
We all open ourselves up to scrutiny so much more being on FB and our blogs. Not sure how to avoid it if we are tying to play in social media. As for the real life strangers, only in public places and with no more id than first names are my guidelines.
I am leery of talking to strangers. At seventeen, a stranger tried to get into my car in a parking lot. He followed me for quite some time until I pulled up to a police station. That incident still has me spooked. For the most part, people don’t have bad intentions, but when your experience teaches you otherwise, you tread with caution.
Great post D and good discussion.