And to think, I’ve been feeling like a slacker for ten years.
According to a New York Times opinion piece, the family dinner is overrated.
Good news for me at last? Can I finally drag myself out from under the single parent guilt that has dogged me for a decade?
Lack of family dinners was a regular source of self-flagellation. Haven’t we all been told of the advisability of eating dinner together as a family by the Parental-Powers-That-Be? Doesn’t data show that kids are less likely to get into trouble when family dinners are part of the domestic rhythm?
According to the authors of the article, Ann Meier, associate professor of sociology at University of Minnesota, and Kelly Musick, associate professor of policy analysis and management at Cornell University, a recent study offers a somewhat different conclusion.
Family Dinner Frequency
Looking for causality between frequency of family dinners and instances of depression, substance abuse, or delinquency – the authors controlled for a variety of other factors (income, for example) and found the results to be something else.
So much so, in fact, that they write:
We found no direct, lasting effects of family dinners on mental health, drug and alcohol use or delinquency. (Of course, it may be that family dinners have a stronger or more lasting effect on behavior that we didn’t study, like eating habits.)
They go on to explain that eating together is a “natural” way to interact, but influence is more about the “extent to which parents use the time to engage with their children.” Furthermore, they mention that parents may use time spent in the car with their kids as an opportunity for informative and connective communication.
Single Parent Panic or Panacea?
The younger my kids were, the more physical the parenting day. No news there, right?
But playing the role of two parents was easier with elementary school age children than adolescents, when it came to mechanics and interpersonal dynamics. That includes getting dinner on the table and encouraging conversation. As a single parent it was tiring, but you know the saying – little kids, little worries; big kids, big worries.
And personally, I’ve always found that food is conducive to conversation at any age and with anyone. We do interact more naturally, and we tend to relax.
But once my boisterous boys hit middle school? Between increasingly intense activities, schoolwork, peer pressures, and adolescent mood swings – they were cranky and I was cranky. Conversation? Try consternation! Maintaining energy for making dinner was tough enough, much less sustaining table chat when we were all in a hurry to move on to the evening’s tasks.
Side Benefits to Drive Time
Then again, when it came to drive time, that’s a different story.
(Teenage boys and car keys. Need I say more?)
In our one car household, shared vehicle time occurred daily – often twice, and sometimes more. And yes, we did use that time for discussion. There is something remarkably calming (to a teenager) about engaging over food, or (apparently) while driving. And the fact there’s a captive audience?
That helps, too.
As for the importance of eating together in a conventional setting?
The apparent conclusion from the authors of this article is:
… if you aren’t able to make the family meal happen on a regular basis, don’t beat yourself up: just find another way to connect with your kids.
The Relationship Meal Plan
As I was reading this opinion piece, I couldn’t help but consider the implications for relationships in general. How many couples could benefit from captive connective time, whether around the dinner table, on a shared morning commute, or in any other setting that encourages speaking openly?
Isn’t communication between men and women one of the greatest challenges we face as couples – both plain talk and quality listening?
But don’t all the parties involved – men, women, teenagers, younger children – have to be less tired to take full advantage of shared time?
- How often do you manage to sit down and share dinner with your kids – or your partner, for that matter?
- What sort of discussion takes place around your dinner table?
- If you have a kid who won’t talk (as I did), does drive time do the trick?
- Do you beat yourself up over not sharing meals, or other aspects of traditional family time?
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I have heard all the mantras about family dinner time and most times it was just myself and the kids at mealtimes as my husband worked many nights. As the kids got older I could see they couldn’t wait to eat and run. I had a lot of success with driving and interacting, they’re more able to connect and communicate on deeper matters when the focus isn’t directly at them. Now my kids come to me with a discussion – I give them their space but I am always here if they need to talk. I think they are very comfortable opening up in their timetable rather than when it’s expected. Sometimes if situations are forced family members do everything to avoid the obligation. I hope they will always come to me and I do everything to let them know I am all ears when the time comes.
Eat and run. Yes, exactly. I love that you’re there for them, Vicki Lee – when they’re ready to talk.
Seriously, I learn all of my good stuff either in the car or via eavesdropping. This makes me feel better, since we really only eat together on weekends.
Kitch, You crack me up! Eavesdropping! (Instead of the Meal Plan, the Surveillance Plan… )
when possible we did. as my kids got older we had different rhythms and schedules. sometimes people aren’t hungry at the same time. for a while – quite awhile in fact i had lousy work hours so i made meals which was my way of saying “i’m here for you but i can’t be here”. we have meals at the table and meals in front of the t.v. and meals in bedrooms lol in the midst of an awesome video battle – who cares. home is a refuge and whatever works is amongst the people who live together. your house – your rules.
Those different rhythms and schedules. Yup.
Thanks for this — I have had so much guilt over how infrequently we sit down as a family to eat at this point. Mostly because I get home from work at 7 and the babysitter has already fed my daughter. I find that the bedtime snuggle has always been the best for communicating/bonding…I’m reading “Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret” with my daughter how, which is great for opening up conversation. But I know that the days of bedtime snuggles are limited and I’ll have to find another avenue to connect.
Reading time as a way to connect. Sounds wonderful, Pauline.
When my children were very young, I fed them before we ate dinner. When they were a little older, family dinners were easy. But, as they hit adolescence and then into high school, it was another story, and not a good one. I gave up. Is dinner at the table a good thing when it is stressful? It wasn’t helping foster close family relationships; just creating friction.
The car! Conversations were so easy in the car, with both of my children. We talked about everything in the car – all the hard topics, like sex and drugs, etc. That would not have been good dinner table conversation. And as TKW said; I got to eavesdrop on quite a few interesting and sometimes worrisome teenage conversations while chauffeuring my kids and their friends around.
I like this article. Who needs more guilt? Thanks!
I love the implications of this article because, though I love my little beasts, I really hate dinner with them (gasp!). Dinner is full of my policing their eating habits, and them whining and complaining about what I cook. We do share our good things and bad things of the day, but dinner is just not a great time for us. My favorite time with them is curled up on the couch reading to them, dancing in the kitchen while I cook, or, yes, talking in the car.
Dancing in the kitchen! Now that sounds pretty great, Sassy Queenpin!
“I love my little beasts”
That about sums it up.