• Home
  • About
  • Around
  • Contributors
  • Applause

Daily Plate of Crazy

  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Love
    • Marriage
    • Divorce
    • Life After Divorce
  • Parenting
    • Advice
    • Babies and Kids
    • Tweens and Teens
    • College Kids
    • Single Moms
    • Older Moms
    • Dads
    • Family Dynamics
    • Money Matters
    • Work-Life
  • Health
  • Sex
  • Women’s Issues
  • Fashion & Style
    • Chaussures
    • Fashion
    • Style
    • Lingerie
    • Interiors
  • Culture
  • More
    • Art Art Art
    • Business
    • En Français
    • Entertainment
      • Mad Men
      • Mad Men Reviews
      • Real Housewives
      • Movies
      • Celebrities
      • Work of Art Reviews
    • Flash
    • Food & Recipes
    • Lifestyle
    • Morning Musing
    • Starting Over
    • Technology
    • Travel
    • Women and Money
You are here: Home / Lifestyle / Open Your Mouth and Speak

Open Your Mouth and Speak

March 30, 2012 by D. A. Wolf Leave a Comment

I don’t think I learned to talk – to really talk – until I hit 50. That’s a difficult admission coming from a woman who spent most of her career in communications.

But I’m not referring to a professional context. I’m referring to a personal one – talking to our partners, to our friends, to our kids. Knowing how to pick the right words, the appropriate tone, and possibly more critical, the right moment.

So how did I finally learn to speak my mind effectively?

I’ll chalk it up to the necessities of the Harried Single Mother gig – the juggle that makes us stronger (if it doesn’t kill us), and teaches us a life lesson or two while we’re at it. And that includes how to open our mouths and deal with our kids in ways to maintain our sanity, how to improve our words and manner when diving back into the Big Bad Dating Scene, and in general – trying to survive.

It’s no small feat to speak your mind effectively. It takes guidance, skill, practice, and a receptive audience. It takes recognition that choosing words carefully may still result in unintended consequences – like bruised feelings, misunderstandings, or possibly, opening up a can of worms you aren’t prepared to deal with.

It’s More Than Words

Speaking clearly requires an awareness of the audience. And by that I mean reading the face and body language of the person you’re speaking to, or knowing if they’re under stress or in a bad mood.

For instance, if I’m irritated with one of my sons, I’ve learned to scan the scowl or the smile, and observe the stance. If I know there’s been no sleep, or some issue at school, I’m likely to defer the conversation to a better time, or to adopt as gentle a tone as possible when I speak.

But getting through to another person is also about trust. It means knowing the sort of relationship that exists, and maintaining it through clear and appropriate communications.

In love, ideally, it’s about establishing and maintaining intimacy.

Speaking Clearly Protects Relationships

When I think back on my marriage, I’m painfully aware that the communication was lacking. There was chatter and conversation – when the family was together at the dinner table, or at more public gatherings. But in private, there was silence. Surely, my ex-husband and I had perfected the art of not talking – though I doubt we realized how it was eroding the relationship.

When there wasn’t silence, conversation centered on the children or my spouse’s career. Generally, I didn’t speak of my writing (and I was writing at the time, of course). And I only spoke of my work peripherally (his took precedence). More importantly, we rarely discussed feelings or dreams; that wasn’t his cup of tea and I understood that from the beginning.

What I didn’t comprehend was that we both may have needed to communicate in a more intimate way, and neither of us knew how to do it.

Communication is a Critical Life Skill

Divorce changed everything in my life. These have been hard years. Lonely years. Crazy busy years. I’ve had to examine my motivations, my needs, my actions, my triggers. I’ve had to develop new skills, including how to speak my mind, and how to listen more effectively.

My children have been the primary focus, and through parenting them, I’ve come to approach language differently.

Most mothers and fathers watch their words around their children, but some of us go beyond that, required to make our way through tiny emotional openings in order to ferret out nuggets of information. We try to stay cool. We try not to lecture. We learn to encourage our children to speak when they would rather not talk – and sometimes, we encourage them to question us, assuring them that it’s safe to do so.

We slip up (I sure did). We apologize (if we’re smart). And we try again, calmly, until we sense that we’ve been heard.

We carry these skills into new romantic relationships if we can – specificity, lack of accusatory language or tone, and a genuine willingness to listen to the response, and then act on the consequences.

Childhood Baggage

I was raised in a household where hiding feelings was a must, and articulating them, foreign. And that has meant that my adult relationships required a slow and imperfect process of undoing the protection I mastered early in life. That protection was about the fear of revealing too much of who I am, being seen in my imperfection, and of course, worrying that I wouldn’t be liked – or loved.

It’s a common fear, isn’t it?

How many of us hide behind our self-erected public face? Our many layers of image we’re projecting? Trying to camouflage a sense that we aren’t enough, that we aren’t “good” enough?

What if women genuinely believed we could open up our mouths and speak – expressing what pleases us as well as what we don’t want or we don’t like? And do so in a way that is fluid, frequent, and doesn’t burn bridges – unless we choose to?

Talk, Talk, and More Talk

When you’re talking with someone you love, sometimes, you get lost in “me, me, me.” We all need to express “me,” but if it’s too much, where’s the other person in the mix?

You’re talking at the other person, not with him.

Looking back, that’s how I felt in my marriage. I felt as though everything was about him – his stuff, his needs. For all I know, he would say the same about me. And that’s another example of how askew (or deficient) our communication was at the time.

I never said anything about how I felt. He never said anything of a similar nature.

I should have been attuned to his body language, but I wasn’t. I should have recognized the distance in everything, but I chose not to see.

You + Me + Us

Sometimes, we’re talking about “you” in the couple, and sometimes, about the much neglected “us.”

If the person you’re talking with isn’t responsive – if he’s walled up and distant, even the most persuasive voice may eventually weary and decide it isn’t worth the trouble.

If some willingness exists, then speaking clearly can move a relationship forward. It may be uncomfortable, but with practice, if the relationship is worth its salt, it can work.

Recently, I’ve needed more time to myself, to pursue an abundance of pokers in the fire, and still take care of me. I cannot devote as much time to the man I’m dating as I have been; I’ve had to say no. Clearly, and kindly, no – to spending as much time together as he would like.

Free Flowing Words

This sort of clarity in a relationship is new for me. Part of why it works is because he is an exceptional communicator. He listens. He says what he needs. My necessity for more hours to myself is about me – not him, not us. I say the words, and he “receives” the message as intended.

Honestly? I don’t know if this is an age thing, a stage thing, or a matter of the right person at the right time. Naturally, I’ve learned these lessons the hard way. (Don’t we all?) There were signs before I married that the man I was marrying was emotionally off limits. I doubt I realized the power of the silences to come, and likewise, the extent to which a constant and mutual exchange is essential to me.

  • Do you express yourself clearly to your partner? To your children?
  • Do you give as good as you get – leaving defenses behind when your partner speaks to you?
  • Can you read the receptivity of the other person – judging what to say, when to say it, and to what level of detail?
  • Do you  feel safe speaking your mind, or more vulnerable than you care to be?



© D. A. Wolf

Share/Save/Bookmark

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

FacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: choose words carefully, communications, divorce, life skills, marriage, Marriage and Divorce, men and women, midlife, Parenting, post-divorce life, Relationships, speaking your mind, women over 50, women's issues

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

 

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow Us

FacebooktwitterrssinstagramFacebooktwitterrssinstagram

Search Daily Plate of Crazy

Subscribe for Your Daily Serving

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Categories

Archives

Recent Comments

  • Anonymous on Does Effort Matter If You Don’t Get Results?
  • D. A. Wolf on Mantras
  • D. A. Wolf on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Marty on When You Marry a Loner
  • Tina on Would You Brag About Your Age?
  • Sal on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Open More Doors If You Want More Skills - 3 Plus International on Open More Doors If You Want More Skills
  • Leonora C on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Maree on Mantras
  • kate on DON’T Call Me Dear!
  • Stephanie on Narcissism. Manipulation. Keeping Score.
  • S on When a Couple Wants Different Things

The Makeover Series

Daily Plate of Crazy: The Makeover Series

Essays From Guest Writers

Daily Plate of Crazy: Essay Series

Daily Reads

Daily Plate of Crazy Blogroll

Follow

Follow

Notices

All content on this site, DailyPlateOfCrazy.com, is copyrighted by D. A. Wolf unless copyright is otherwise attributed to guest writers. Do not use, borrow, repost or create derivative works without permission.

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025. All Rights Reserved.

Parlez-vous francais?

Daily Plate of Crazy: En Français

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025
All Rights Reserved

Daily Plate of Crazy ™

Privacy Notice

Popular This Month

  • 50 Years old and Starting Over
  • Best Places to Live When You're Over 50 and Reinventing
  • When the Person You Love Is Emotionally Unavailable
  • When a Couple Wants Different Things
  • How to Comfort Someone Who Is Stressed

Food for Thought

  • Why I Choose to Think Like a Man
  • When You Marry a Loner
  • Emotionally Needy Parents
  • Sex vs. Lovemaking: Why Are We So Confused?
  • Think Looks Don't Pay?
  • Rebranding Mediocrity: Why Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

Copyright © 2025 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This site uses cookies for the best browsing experience. By continuing to use this site, you accept our Cookie Policy.
Cookie SettingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT