• Home
  • About
  • Around
  • Contributors
  • Applause

Daily Plate of Crazy

  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Love
    • Marriage
    • Divorce
    • Life After Divorce
  • Parenting
    • Advice
    • Babies and Kids
    • Tweens and Teens
    • College Kids
    • Single Moms
    • Older Moms
    • Dads
    • Family Dynamics
    • Money Matters
    • Work-Life
  • Health
  • Sex
  • Women’s Issues
  • Fashion & Style
    • Chaussures
    • Fashion
    • Style
    • Lingerie
    • Interiors
  • Culture
  • More
    • Art Art Art
    • Business
    • En Français
    • Entertainment
      • Mad Men
      • Mad Men Reviews
      • Real Housewives
      • Movies
      • Celebrities
      • Work of Art Reviews
    • Flash
    • Food & Recipes
    • Lifestyle
    • Morning Musing
    • Starting Over
    • Technology
    • Travel
    • Women and Money
You are here: Home / Parenting / Conflicts

Conflicts

January 9, 2012 by D. A. Wolf 14 Comments

It’s been the best of times. It’s been the worst of times.

Okay, let me try that again – without lifting from the Literary Greats: It’s been a good few weeks, and a rough few weeks.

Sometimes, there’s just not enough of you to go around. The kids (whatever their ages) want your attention. Your partner (whatever your status), likewise.

And there are conflicts. Painful, joyful, conundrum-inducing collisions in wants and needs and priorities.

You remind yourself there is only one of you. You sigh heavily (again) that there are only 24 hours in a day. You concede that the migraines come from stress, that the body needs some amount of sleep, and that you can’t possibly please everyone all the time, much less take care of yourself.

But the conflicts between partnering and parenting are pulling you apart.

Sometimes life trots out a surprise when you least expect, and for me, that surprise is a good man, a good relationship, and good timing – at last. This very Nice Guy dropped in on my life at the tail end of a decade of solo parenting. Had we met even six months earlier, I doubt he would have stuck around.

I couldn’t have participated in building the relationship we share. I wouldn’t have had the focus or energy.

Finding Time for Relationships

Dating after divorce is time-consuming and challenging. Developing a relationship? Even more so.

As to bringing a partner into your family sphere? A new person means a changing dynamic. And nothing about the process is a given.

My kids were teenagers, but suddenly they weren’t the only “men” around the house, or at the table, or in my heart.

Kids Take Everything, and Then Some

If we left it to them, kids would drain us of every ounce of mental and physical energy we have. I believe we allow this. I believe it is partly our current cultural propensity in which the pendulum has swung too far toward some theoretical “perfect parenting” – which is neither possible nor advisable.

I also believe that children put incredible strain on marriage. But that discussion is for another day.

And for the single or solo parent?

There’s guilt, guilt, guilt. Guilt that we weren’t able to save the marriage. Guilt that we aren’t spending enough quality time. Guilt that we haven’t the money to allow them to do what their friends are doing, or simply order a large pizza for dinner because it isn’t in the budget. It’s single parent guilt that drives us to be more permissive. And solo parent exhaustion, that grinds us down.

Habitual Parenting Worries

My sons are a treasure, an enigma, and an ongoing source of concern. (Just like your kids?)

I worry about them less actively when they’re at college, perhaps because I know there’s nothing I can do to help them through their days, except hope they exercise good (learned) judgment.

I also recall my own college years. I was more than capable of taking care of myself.

Kids – Do I Know You?

Naturally, as my boys grow into men, they’re more independent and more private. I know less and less about them, and what’s happening in their lives. I ask a few questions, and take what I can get by way of answers.

But sometimes they actually want to talk, and it isn’t always at a convenient moment. I’m due to be somewhere else. I’m writing. I’m working. I’m about to leave and meet my man.

And I’m conflicted.

Parenting Regrets

Some delightful dinners in the past weeks have created new memories, sparked old ones, and spotlighted significant regrets. So many years were spent trying to keep the household afloat, there was less “me” to spend on chatty meals or other assembled family time. I was too worn, too stressed, too busy working, or all of the above.

Ironically, a man around the house seems to encourage more social activity for us as a foursome. Yet it also creates exactly the increased pressures and expectations that I’m feeling now, and addressing here.

Everyone Wants a Piece of Me (And Not)

Cue these recent weeks, and another weekend in which the Good Man wanted to see me, and all I wanted – to be alone.

Reading or sleeping. Nursing my headache. Writing a little.

I took the same “just say no” approach with him as I did with the kids, trying to restore a little calm and control by setting limits. Rather than spending an entire weekend together, we enjoyed one evening and the following day – and it was lovely.

But.

When I needed to write, he was still chatting and I felt torn, and guilty. When I insisted on a pocket of quiet and didn’t get it, I blew a fuse, and felt guiltier. When I was talking with him, I sensed more pull for my attention from one of my sons. This isn’t the first time and it’s all quite subtle, but the result is that I’m frazzled, frustrated, and feel like a failure at tending to anyone’s needs, much less my own.

Older, Wiser, And So?

Lately I feel my patience, my perspective, and my ability to see anything clearly being tested.

Last evening, after a nice dinner with my nice man, I sent him home and settled into my room – desperate for absolute quiet. I was crawling into bed with a book when my younger son popped in and said “Hey Mom, how about we order a pizza and watch a movie?”

I was stunned. And torn.

And got out of bed.

Dinner and a Movie

I grabbed an organic pesto and cheese from the freezer (in budget and healthier), popped it in the oven, and 20 minutes later my son was propped on my bed, remote in hand, munching on pizza from a tray, and zapping. He found a film on cable. We watched together until after midnight.

It was relaxing and comforting. But why last night? Why that moment?

Self-Flagellation with a Side of Bread and Water

Was my son bored? Was he feeling neglected? Did he sense something in me that desired a connection with him – and one which I enjoyed, despite being tired? Or was it a whim, a spontaneous gesture, and I should leave it at that?

This morning I have some much needed “alone time” and lists of tasks that have been interrupted at every turn since mid-December. Critical tasks. Try as I might, I’m struggling with the stamina and emotional fortitude to give my sons what they need when they’re here (now rare) and simultaneously, give a good man what he needs.

Conflicts and Conclusions

I’m doing a wretched job of it. Of being “enough” for my sons in the small window of time we have together, and in seeing and hearing who they are becoming. I’m distracted. I’m off my game. I’m conflicted.

Soon, both boys will head back (and forward) into their respective new worlds. But I’m no less saddened by what I consider a mediocre maternal performance, and the sense of missed opportunities not only these past few weeks, but in recent years.

And yet, I don’t know what I could have done differently.

 

© D. A. Wolf

Share/Save/Bookmark

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

FacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: conflict, contradictions, dating over 40, dating over 50, guilt, just say no, Parenting, post-divorce dating, post-divorce life, Relationships, single mother guilt, Single Parenting, solo parenting

Comments

  1. Justine says

    January 9, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    I think we’re often the hardest on ourselves, but that being said, I also get what it’s like to need time to write or read, or just any alone time, but not being able to fully indulge in it because of someone else’s needs. So what do we do? Put aside our needs for theirs or have them wait and feel guilty for making that choice?

    Like you, I don’t have the answer. So we struggle every day with each decision.

    Reply
    • BigLittleWolf says

      January 9, 2012 at 1:22 pm

      A small pocket of time for ourselves. The constant self-questioning. Exactly, Justine. Thank you for getting it.

      Reply
  2. Madgew says

    January 9, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    BLW, I say relax and breathe and just let everything flow and don’t think too much about it all. I have lived to see my life flow organically. Last night after babysitting for my three grandkids who live down the street my son and I talked in colder weather outside for a half hour about life and what we expect and I brought up some issues for us to talk about and think about. It was one of the most satisfying conversations and it happened organically based on our day (we attended the same funeral). It got me worrying about my will and once I talked my concerns over all was find and I was assured where I needed assurance. I often have these deep conversations with my son when they are not planned. It took me a long time to realize that everything happens the way it is supposed to and I can control very little.

    Reply
    • BigLittleWolf says

      January 9, 2012 at 3:23 pm

      I know it’s best when it happens organically, Madge. You’re so right. But it’s harder for it to happen organically when I’m not emotionally available. Or considerably less so. Or perhaps have never been to the extent that I should have which, I realize, is a contradiction with my belief that we worry too much about our children these days in some respects.

      Then again, look at the world. Good reason to worry, no?

      Reply
  3. paul says

    January 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    I enjoy your writing and respect its quality and your reliability therein. I also admire your efforts for your family. But, if I strive to put myself in your shoes, I would find myself saddled with this reliability and consistency, particularly of getting my posts out and connecting with friends/audience. I look forward to the day when we hear nothing for a day or two, worry a bit (as friends should), and then get a simple and unapologetic one-word post: WOW

    Actually, I’m more like you than you might imagine. But I’ve been able to break with it at times, wonderful times.

    Reply
    • BigLittleWolf says

      January 9, 2012 at 3:20 pm

      I hear you, Paul.

      Reply
  4. Donna says

    January 9, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    I think that guilt comes with parenthood, at least for women. But I tell myself that guilt is a useless emotion. Another coach I know posed this question to a group, and I think it’s a good one: Who were you before you started putting everyone else’s needs first? Can you even remember?

    Just because we’re parents doesn’t mean we’re not human. We love our kids and do the best we can. And they survive. They even thrive. If they had to live through some adversity growing up, they will be better equipped to handle adversity as adults. And to truly appreciate when life is good. As for making time for ourselves, it’s essential. If we want to function, we need time to recharge. We shouldn’t feel guilty about that, we should communicate with our families so that they understand that they only get the best you if they give you time for you.

    But we always have a choice, and sometimes we choose to put our kids ahead of ourselves, and that’s O.K. too. Just remember that you can always choose your response, and feel empowered by that ability to choose. I’m not saying that I never feel guilty, I definitely do. I just try my best not to let it win!

    Reply
    • BigLittleWolf says

      January 9, 2012 at 10:26 pm

      Helpful questions, and excellent points, Donna.

      Come to think of it, I can’t remember the “me” before I put everyone’s needs first. That one requires some serious consideration. Thank you for that.

      Reply
  5. Privilege of Parenting says

    January 10, 2012 at 1:10 am

    I so often think of that best and worst of times notion, a sort of quantum integration of opposites that threaten to tear us apart while at the same time filling us with life spirit. It is these very conflicts and tensions of what pulls upon us that urge us to strengthen our interconnections and, as kind comments above indicate, realize that we’re all in this together, all doing our best, all falling short… and all loving and loved (the knack is in making it all more conscious and more compassionate). Maybe we’ll eventually make it beyond the “me” and the “them” into a deeper trust in the “us.” For me it’s not particularly about how much time and with who, but how I wish to feel: soft, playful, present, resilient… but alas I’m also sometimes melancholy, stressed, pulled in so many directions. Here’s to more feeling alright and less concern about getting it right.

    Reply
  6. Mutant Supermodel says

    January 10, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Identify times a million.

    Time for Baby. Time for Daughter. Time for Eldest. Time for Boyfriend.

    Time for me? It just doesn’t feel good. Well, not afterwards at least. Every time I dedicate time to myself, I can’t help but feel like I could have spent it better later. And depending on my overall health and mood that thought can really overtake and destroy every good feeling I’d enjoyed just a moment before.

    It’s up to us to tell it to shut up.

    Reply
    • BigLittleWolf says

      January 10, 2012 at 10:19 am

      “It’s up to us to tell it to shut up.”

      I love it, Supermodel.

      Reply
  7. Kate says

    January 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Oh, yes. December was a month of saying yes (by necessity or choice) to everyone else’s needs and priorities and barely meeting my own. The needs of kids do stress a marriage, especially when someone is feeling needy themselves. But when do my needs come first? How to I create space for my quiet without yelling first? (Which just ruins my quiet time with frustration.)
    I’m trying to be more conscious of my own needs this month. But trying is just fancy for thinking about it and failing. Sometimes life is too full. And often those are wonderful times (as long as we get enough sleep and a moment of quiet here or there).

    Reply
    • BigLittleWolf says

      January 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

      Maybe the holidays exacerbate all of it, Kate. Your mention of creating space for quiet – without yelling – it’s a perfect example of how extreme the need is to carve out that tiny place that is ours, so we can better appreciate that “fullness” that you speak of. (Do you manage it? How do you manage it?)

      Reply
  8. Wolf Pascoe says

    January 10, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s said that once parents meet their kids’ basic needs, there’s little they can do to influence how they turn out. It makes me less crazy to believe this.

    I always feel better after time alone. It makes me think I should schedule it, let everyone know in advance, and keep to it. Like the Sabbath.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

 

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow Us

FacebooktwitterrssinstagramFacebooktwitterrssinstagram

Search Daily Plate of Crazy

Subscribe for Your Daily Serving

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Categories

Archives

Recent Comments

  • Anonymous on Does Effort Matter If You Don’t Get Results?
  • D. A. Wolf on Mantras
  • D. A. Wolf on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Marty on When You Marry a Loner
  • Tina on Would You Brag About Your Age?
  • Sal on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Open More Doors If You Want More Skills - 3 Plus International on Open More Doors If You Want More Skills
  • Leonora C on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Maree on Mantras
  • kate on DON’T Call Me Dear!
  • Stephanie on Narcissism. Manipulation. Keeping Score.
  • S on When a Couple Wants Different Things

The Makeover Series

Daily Plate of Crazy: The Makeover Series

Essays From Guest Writers

Daily Plate of Crazy: Essay Series

Daily Reads

Daily Plate of Crazy Blogroll

Follow

Follow

Notices

All content on this site, DailyPlateOfCrazy.com, is copyrighted by D. A. Wolf unless copyright is otherwise attributed to guest writers. Do not use, borrow, repost or create derivative works without permission.

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025. All Rights Reserved.

Parlez-vous francais?

Daily Plate of Crazy: En Français

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025
All Rights Reserved

Daily Plate of Crazy ™

Privacy Notice

Popular This Month

  • 50 Years old and Starting Over
  • Best Places to Live When You're Over 50 and Reinventing
  • When the Person You Love Is Emotionally Unavailable
  • When a Couple Wants Different Things
  • How to Comfort Someone Who Is Stressed

Food for Thought

  • Why I Choose to Think Like a Man
  • When You Marry a Loner
  • Emotionally Needy Parents
  • Sex vs. Lovemaking: Why Are We So Confused?
  • Think Looks Don't Pay?
  • Rebranding Mediocrity: Why Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

Copyright © 2025 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This site uses cookies for the best browsing experience. By continuing to use this site, you accept our Cookie Policy.
Cookie SettingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT