When marriage ends
In my morning reading, I came across an article in Forbes Woman that struck a chord. It concerns Stacy Morrison, former Editor-in-Chief of Redbook, speaking about her divorce and its aftermath in her new book, Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimist’s Journey Through the Hell of Divorce.
This isn’t the stuff of celebrity media fodder – Tiger Woods or Sandra Bullock and their much publicized personal woes. Nor does it resemble similar scandals in the political arena, as we saw last Spring with revelations of indiscretions from South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, or former presidential candidate John Edwards, shown the door by wife Elizabeth earlier this year.
There is no love child, no serial infidelity, no single cause to point to for this particular marital meltdown. Rather, there is something potentially more universal.
It appears that what distinguishes this story is something rarely aired when it comes to divorce: the gray area of “I don’t know why.” Furthermore, the “successful woman” is subject to the double-edged sword of envy by others as one who seemingly “had it all,” yet she still faces what many of us must – divorce in a haze of disbelief, divorce without answers, divorce with costs beyond imagining, and a dizzying aftermath of coming to terms with a new reality.
More prevalent than we know?
While “not knowing why” offers no trappings of a flashy cause célèbre like flagrantly broken vows, it may be a more common experience than we realize. Our children ask why and we search for responses. We murmur platitudes and try to accept them. We sweep our own grappling for comprehension under the proverbial rug. And many of us struggle with the (professional) requirement for a public face, whatever the reality of the private one.
Reading an excerpt from Ms. Morrison’s book, I experienced a sort of jolt back in time, nearly nine years. My own story was – and is – considerably different from hers. But I recognize the feelings she expresses: a kind of shattering and bewilderment, life as you define it spinning out of control.
Dealing with no answers
We may be easily caught up in snippets of sensationalized scandal, gawking and moralizing, or secretly satisfied to witness a lifestyle we’ve coveted suddenly fraught with problems.
I suspect in Ms. Morrison’s journey there is substance and relevance to both men and women. There are vital questions about caring for our children as single parents, as well as navigating the terrain of “I don’t know why.” After all, without explicit signs or obvious infidelity, how do you reconcile the disappearance of love? The discarding of shared history, merged families, parental responsibilities?
How can you fix what you cannot identify? How do you deal with the disintegration of everything you’ve come to recognize as “normal?” How do you move on?
Motherhood: Impossible expectations
It’s difficult enough managing marriage, work, and children with two parents and a support system. When one of the adults drops out of the picture, life implodes. The parent who takes on daily responsibilities – man or woman – is left holding the bag. Generally, this is the woman. The massive changes required – whether or not she was (once) the primary breadwinner, or even a good breadwinner – are frequently taken lightly or dismissed altogether. By friends, and potentially the family court system.
While the cargo in that bag I just mentioned is the most precious of all – our children – it doesn’t lessen the enormity of the task at hand. On the contrary; expectations of motherhood (already impossibly high) are now overloaded even more. There are new challenges, not the least of which is helping our children to navigate traumatic emotional territory, as the composition of the family unit changes.
Worse, our own expectations as mothers are no longer remotely achievable. Most of us must, inevitably, find another reality. A sometimes frantic, figure-it-out-as-you-go approach that makes our previous juggling act look like a vacation. And we do it. We just do it. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour. And at great cost, on all fronts.
As for why my own marriage of more than 10 years ended? I have only guesses, and knowledge that we “looked good” from the outside. Clearly, I didn’t see what I didn’t want to see.
Reinventing ourselves
Those who go through the end of a marriage must reinvent themselves. It may involve a journey of small revelations and behavioral adjustments, or something more dramatic like a new career, a new city, or even a new country in order to start over. Certainly, there is inner work that takes place – or should – to rediscover the post-marriage self.
Even with a well-established reputation, Ms. Morrison’s path wasn’t an easy one. Juggling single parenting – for the primary custodial parent – will inevitably affect the tenuous balance of work and life, and for most of us, career will suffer in some way in order to parent well. The author goes on to say:
… until we stand up and speak the truth of our lives to the people we work for and the governments we support, then we’ll continue to shoulder the impossible.
While Ms. Morrison has come out the other side very differently than I have – most notably through her ability to successfully co-parent with her ex – many of her words hit home. Her excerpt leaves us with this thought:
Five years later, I can honestly say that my divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me. Because I am at peace, and not just with my divorce. With myself.
I have much admiration for this statement, and I understand it. Personally, I cannot say my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me, nor that I am at peace with it. I still have no answers, not only regarding the end of the marriage but for the years since. Where I wholeheartedly agree with Ms. Morrison’s experience is in this – I am, indeed, at peace with myself.
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I have had this on my list of books to read for a while now – picked it up in a Target and read the first chapter. So many similarities w/ the suddeness of her divorce there. But at the same time, it wasn’t as sudden as I let on, once I truly looked at the big picture.
As far as reinventing of myself – that is a truth. You can even see it in my blog if you go back to 2005-8, you’ll see a completely different voice than the more powerful voice that emerged after the divorce. For that, I am most proud.
For me my first marriage in it’s own right was the best thing for that time in my life (because I know no other course) and the divorce was the best outcome for my future. I am so lucky I didn’t have children in my first marriage, because I would certainly feel differently. But in my case, we are completely severed with no ties, and that’s a good thing.
I’m working on my own memoir and I hope you’ll review it some day. 🙂
Q of Q – I’m a fan. I’d be delighted to read your story! And thank you for visiting and commenting.
thanks
This is not solely the emotional or logistical terrain of women, as I know you understand.
While my divorce has more definitive, easy to understand answers, I’m glad she wrote this book. I still read too much about how couples were just “lazy” and didn’t really try, and I find that dismissive and hurtful.
I couldn’t agree with you more, April.
“Shouldering the impossible … at great costs on all fronts” … Though I can empathize, I simply can’t imagine and very much admire your strength (and Ms. Morrison’s). (BLW, you should write a memoir, too!)
As you well know, I have recently seen many close friends and relatives dissolve their marriages. I know they are going through something that I cannot understand or empathize with. Yet, I try and support both sides as much as I can. I am glad that you posted this, it gives me more insight into what is going on in their lives right now.
I am not sure that I will ever tell my children the total truth behind the dissolution of my marriage. I may leave that up to their father. I know that I have done my best to allow them to grow up as close to having two parents as possible. I cannot control the behavior of their other parent and do not make excuses but do extend as much openness to the children’s relationships with him as possible.
I know that my relationship with him is different than a lot of other couples I know or have heard of. Until last year, some of my youngest’s friends’ parents didn’t realize that we were not still together. We do things for the kids together.
Yes, people can’t understand divorce until they go thru it. If not, they somehow feel that somewhere inside they’re stronger, worked harder, didn’t cop out like we did.
I don’t know if I felt like I fell apart in one piece. Many pieces that came back together to something quite different. Whole yes, but with some parts crazy-glued I think.
“Crazy-glued.” That sounds just about right, Maureen.
Thank you for alerting me to this book. Having been divorced twice without really knowing why at the time, the last was 11 years ago, I’ve come to several conclusions on my own, not as a result of being a former therapist :). First, we must do our “homework” afterwards. What is it, you ask? I can’t say what it is for you. But what I do know is that I didn’t even know I needed to do it after my first marriage ended – and the second time it took me six years to realize the work that needed to occur. What I’ve since learned is that peacefulness comes after much gut wrenching reflection and internal discord. An acupuncture therapist who’s also a talk therapist was very helpful for me in this process. I finally came through to the other side after two full years of work. And I’m very clear I’m at a much better place in my life. I know “me” better and I finally know how to have healthy relationships with the men in my life. Plus, I’m happy. Can’t ask for more than that!
I’m glad that you are at peace with yourself, BLW. Lots of people aren’t, even years after the end of a marriage. In the case of women, they still tend to be more jerked around then the guys, emotionally and financially.
So I can see why they would be angry!
Also, Randi, I totally agree with you. I’m STILL doing my homework — daily!
I never said I wasn’t angry. 🙂 Plenty angry, on certain days. But you can’t live that way and sustain a world, or grow it, or grow children for that matter. I am at peace with who I am, not my situation. Two different things.
Gee, I still don’t know why my parents divorced. Being the oldest out of six, having been with them through the ordeal before coming here to America, etc, I still don’t know and if you were to ask me today, I really don’t care. All I care about is moving on with my life.
I didn’t have kids in my first marriage, but I remember how hard I clung to it. It was so important for me to have chosen correctly, to be able to make do, to have what looked good on the surface really be okay inside the marriage. Admitting that it wasn’t, that I was really going to have to start all over no matter what, was very painful. Once I knew that I could either do it at 29 or stay with him with the exact same outcome some day, I knew I had to leave.
But it was through allowing myself to admit that mistake, to see how much I had lied to myself, that I grew. It sounds like the author of that book comes to some of these conclusions as well.
Interesting that you focused on motherhood’s impossible challenges. I’m a father, and I take my parenting very seriously. Impossible challenges, indeed. It’s not a one sex song.
I look back on my divorce that happened 10 years ago, and I ask “why?” every day. It’s gray…
I agree, DM. It’s not a one-sex song. I focused on women and motherhood partly because of the book, and partly because women in general and mothers in particular set themselves impossible standards in our culture, reinforced by media, and in many areas of their lives. Then they (we) spend inordinate amounts of time comparing themselves to an unachievable ideal of “perfect,” with perfect being the only thing acceptable, particularly early on in the parenting years. Thankfully, for many of us, that changes as we mature. If you go back and look at the article, you’ll see that I say clearly that this situation could apply to both a man or a woman. Not knowing why. Still wondering. And potentially still buried in the avalanche of consequences post-divorce.
Note my response to Jason.
In my clinical practice I’m well aware that it is terribly hard to become a single parent after divorce, with the heavy burden of everything from the emotional to the financial—and I also have noticed that the trying to decide whether to hang in (particularly that “until the kids go off to school”) or face the pain sooner than later is one of the most agonizing decisions my clients face. In such cases they seem to know “why,” they just don’t know if it will be ultimately for better or worse for themselves and their kids. It’s not my place to know, fortunately, but to help people find their way—yet I have seen that being in the crossfire of bitter acrimony is extremely painful for kids.
There are so many things for which we don’t know why, but I do personally find comfort in admitting as much together.