It’s been quiet around here — and not. It’s been noisy around here — and not. One of my kids is gregarious, though he’s not uncomfortable with solitude, and my other son leans toward introversion; he’s my kid who didn’t talk. At least, not with me.
Though both can spin a yarn these days, the contrast between my sons is striking. One’s an extrovert, and the other isn’t, which reminds me that I’ve known and loved big talkers and more frequently, those who are circumspect in their communications.
My style? I’m both.
Personality Type
Do you know your personality type? Do personality preferences guide your professional choices, or perhaps more importantly, your friends and romantic partners?
I can’t tell you how many times in my corporate life I had to take a Myers-Briggs test – or some variant. You know – Extrovert, Introvert, Thinking, Feeling, and so on. I never cared for this sort of testing process, and I always considered the results to be flawed (or muddled). I know my own propensity for performance, and equally, absolute ease with silence.
More than the thinking/feeling, judging/perception axes, it was the Extrovert-Introvert labels that seemed like pointless pigeon-holing to me. I am as easily classified as an introverted extrovert as I am an extroverted introvert. Frankly – trust and generosity seem like more substantive determinants of effective relationships than whether or not you’re expansive in your communication style.
Relationship style, communication style
I’m not wild about classifying people, though I recognize the usefulness at times. Yet I’ve always found it strange when online dating sites seek to match on “personality dimensions.” Since I’ve tried my hand at most of the popular cyber-venues, it’s an approach that hasn’t worked for me. Is it because I’m not easily slotted or because the test is flawed?
What about you? Do you consider yourself talkative? Are you a storyteller by nature, or prefer revealing yourself under the influence of slowly constructed confidences, or better yet – in writing? Do you seek relationships with those who are like you, or fit best with those who aren’t?
My grandfather was a storyteller and the definition of a big talker. My grandmother, his wife of 50 years, was more reserved. Oh, she had plenty to say, but she didn’t try to compete with her husband’s considerable flair for drama and natural talent for entertainment. I loved the contrast of the two – and enjoyed their different styles. I suspect they enjoyed them as well.
Temperament? Interests? Values? What makes relationship work?
So what makes some relationships sing, be they work or personal? Do you believe that certain “types” are more compatible with others – whether you’re pairing talkers and non-talkers, or talkers with others like themselves? What about those who give and those who take, or is it far more complex when dissecting what works in a relationship? How much does a common communication style help, or is it a matter of a complementary communication style?
I’ve often gravitated to men with fairly introspective personalities. Those who are extremely articulate, with humor that is wry rather than rowdy, and with little need to put on a show. On occasion, I’ve gone for the storyteller persona like my grandfather, and found pleasure in that as well.
As for a preference, I couldn’t say what it is, because I know myself to be chameleon-like in many ways, with an adaptive style that has proven beneficial in my life.
Yet one more reason that I reject the notion of categorizing individuals?
As for my natural inclinations, I’m a big talker — and not. I’m contentedly quiet — and not.
And it seems that both my sons share varying amounts of a similar tendency.
- Are you a talker? Are you paired with a talker?
- What about your children and their communication styles?
- Can a big talker still be a great listener?
- What do you think of personality tests used as predictors of good relationships?
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“As for my natural inclinations, I’m a big talker, except when I’m not. I’m contentedly quiet, except when I’m not.”.
Me too. Those tests always flatten me out.
Kate, you make me feel better. Do people still believe in the usefulness of those tests? I thought they were dumb 20 years ago, and I still do. (I’m sure they’re helpful for something, but l don’t know what.)
I think that personality tests are great at helping individuals learn more about themselves. Beyond that I don’t think there is much substance. Remember, my degree is centered on questionnaires and surveys, but we also recognize their limitations–something that is often NOT imparted to the average person.
Um, back to the rest of the questions…
I am a talker and a listener. My husband is eloquent: he thinks and reasons before (and while) he speaks so that by the time his ideas come out they are perfectly shaped. I, on the other hand, think a great deal but am not as eloquent. My mouth tends to jibber jabber away at meaningless things while my mind screams, “Shut up, idiot! You are sounding ridiculous!” So, I talk but prefer to listen and insert my opinion after I’ve had the chance to think for a while.
Eloquent. How delicious. That would be very pleasurable to be around. (Your mind is screaming?!? Now I’m chuckling.)
My husband and I are both extroverts without a doubt. Neither of us are afraid to work a room of strangers. I’ve also been known to be loud and gregarious. But I think there is a pendulum as you suggest. I’ve gone to the opposite end, particularly in the last year when I was turned very inward and resisted many social situations, and struggled in circumstances I used to find easy. I think our personalities are developed, but also affected by our external circumstances.
What a great point, Christine. Life does indeed present us challenges, and our communication styles evolve like everything else.
My husband is a talker…my kids never shut up…my ex never spoke. I’m both. I can be a talker or a listener. But, back in my single days, I did the eHarmony thing. After spending over an hour filling out the very long form, it does this little dance while you are waiting for your matches and there were NONE for me!! Hmmm…wonder what Meyers-Briggs would say about that?
You have no idea how much better you just made me feel, Lee… Some of us have definitely experienced e-Disharmony. 😉
I’m quiet. My whole (small) family is. At Christmas dinner, we said probably 20 words combined. And that was fine with everyone. Contrast with my husband’s huge, gregarious family, and you can see where problems might arise from time to time. Yeah.
I am the same way!!! Depending on my mood or topic I could talk all day. I enjoy conversations that both sides contribute and enrich the conversation. I believe I’m a good listener. Especially when it come to a subject I know little about.
Personality test can be vague but also helpful. I once worked with a company who used them to place employees within ideal work description and coworkers. It was beneficialx but all around it never proved accurate completely.
Love these articles. 🙂 Thank you