Speaking up. Speaking out. Speakimg your mind… with confidence. Sounds easy, right? But it’s not. And you know what I just realized?
I spend more time in conversation with adolescents than with adults. I think that’s a great thing. I am more inquisitive, more engaged, and more myself when dealing with those under the age of twenty, probably because I like their style. Their communication style.
Of course they text and Skype, they phone and Facebook. But they also socialize plenty in person as well. The teens I know are funny, observant, and very direct. That’s something I appreciate tremendously.
When’s the last time you spoke your mind?
Most of the time, kids tell the truth. They perceive, they think, they feel – and out tumbles their response. By the time they’re adolescents, naturally they’ve mastered the art of working the adults to get what they want, just as we’ve learned to say no when we must – if we’re smart. They’ve also acquired the finesse to offer a compliment to be kind, but largely, they express themselves clearly. At least, in my experience.
Our media examples
We certainly don’t have media examples of speaking one’s mind coolly; we only need to check our latest Reality TV shows. Yes, those Housewives (among others) speak their minds – ratings style – some cruelly, some manipulatively, many brashly, and some purely for the purposes of our watching eyes and listening ears, don’t you think?
But what about speaking up? Saying what you mean and meaning what you say? Not hiding your feelings, your concerns, and sharing them constructively? Doing so without attack or malice?
Hidden agendas
I suppose you could say there is a hidden agenda in every communication. But I prefer to position it this way: there is a purpose to every communication. In fact, multiple purposes – some that are clear and primary, others that may be less tangible or secondary.
I am usually aware when an adult is saying one thing and meaning another – trying to “work” me or manipulate a situation. Likewise, I recognize when what is expressed on the surface is only obscuring other objectives. Certainly, there are times when we don’t know precisely why we say what we do, but the very act of articulating an opinion or a feeling is helpng us clarify our purpose.
Some of recognizing an agenda is a matter of experience – reading body language, assessing tone of voice. It’s a matter of knowing who you’re speaking with and reading between the lines. As for unspecified intentions, if I perceive no harm – then no foul. Otherwise?
It’s another matter entirely.
How to speak your mind
Maybe this is why I enjoy conversation with teenagers. Banter makes no attempts to cloak itself in anything but fun. Requests are generally made directly, and opinions offered freely.
Very freely.
Certainly in our little household.
Likewise, my preference in friends is for those who speak their minds. They just do it. They say what they think, but not without charm, humor, and care. They censor what is irrelevant, they trust the validity of their opinions, and they have assessed my willingness to hear them.
What does it take to do this?
Respect for yourself, for others, and for the process.
Confidence. And practice.
Think before you speak
Remember the old adage that counsels us to think before we speak?
That’s good advice if you ask me. And once again, the kids I know do this better than adults. They learn to filter – especially around adults who know how to edit what is unnecessary, hurtful, or unnecessarily hurtful.
On editing, I have learned that what I don’t say is as important as what I do. So, for example, I gauge the mood of my son, his stress level, where I think his focus is, and I determine whether what I want to say is what he needs to hear. My comments may be important, but better deferrd to another time.
And when you’re angry or overtired? Filter, filter, filter. Take a breath, bite your tongue – do whatever it takes to think before you speak.
Are you a straight shooter?
Many of us love the idea of a straight shooter. There’s no need to assume, and you always know where you stand. Others prefer the delicate dance of silences and guesswork.
My preference is for speaking my mind (kindly), and knowing when to keep quiet (wisely). Both are essential to successful relationships.
- Do you speak your mind?
- Do you choose to stay silent, rather than speak ill of someone?
- Who are your examples for how to communicate effectively and appropriately?
One of my best (worst?) qualities is that people know exactly where they stand with me. There are times when I filter but, honestly, I need to do more, especially with my kids. With my new position over this past year, I’ve learned to do more of it professionally. Now I just need to practice it at home. Wish me luck!
I was raised by a mama who didn’t speak directly, who still kind of thinks that people mean something beyond (behind? Inside?) the words they say. Her reinterpretations are crazy making. With me, I say what I mean, I mean what I say. I do not talk in circles around what I really mean. But I practice tact and kindness. I do not say anything and everything I think. And I expect others to do the same. I cannot read minds.
It is wonderful to be around straight shooting kids, although by teen years maybe they have a bit of a filter on some things. In a good way.
Ha! I do both. I speak my mind and keep silent. As a teen, I learned to keep my thoughts/problems to myself (as my parents were concerned with my eldest sibling) so I am relearning to talk these problems out with my husband. Lucky for me, he doesn’t let me get away with the silent treatment. If something bothers me, it’s better to say it, nicely and appropriately, rather than to wait it out.
It’s almost time for my favorite time of year. Christmas? Close…but I’m looking forward more to teaching my advertising capstone course again in January–with fifteen bright, creative barely twenty-something minds. The banter is more like co-workers than instructor/student, and I’ll walk away with more than a half dozen of them that will become regulars in my social networks. All because I’m going to shoot straight (for the good and bad), speak my mind and really communicate with them for 15 weeks. Speaking one’s mind is a powerful communication tool, when it’s tempered with filters that take into account other variables other than one’s need to voice an opinion. Right time? Right place? Caustic? Tempered? It’s an art.
Sounds like fun, Lisa! Work – but very satisfying and creative. (Maybe that “tempering and filtering” comes with maturity not to mention parenthood?)
I recently spoke my mind to a friend. I am a straight shooter because I don’t like agendas or games or hiding from my feelings. When I told this friend how I felt, she had zero reaction. Her lack of emotion startled me and then I started to wonder whether it is beneficial to wear (pardon the cliche) your heart on your sleeve? Her behavior didn’t change, she continued to dance around the issue. I felt a little foolish afterwards, wondering whether silence was a better move in this situation.
Sometimes it is better to talk with your feet.
Keen observations. When a straight shooter deals with a dancer, sometimes the twain won’t meet. As you say, then we know it’s time to do the talking by walking.
I think it’s very important to be honest, but tactful. I don’t believe in purposely hurting someone…I think there are ways to say what’s on your mind without hurting others any more than necessary, sometimes truth does hurt. I find adolescent conversation interesting as well. I’ve always enjoyed being around youth as they often give me a fresh perspective and usually welcome the wisdom of experience (unless of course, this is a conversation with my own children as they welcome the wisdom of experience from those adults who are NOT their parents, LOL!)
I find that I edit myself more in print than in person. In work situations, I’ve been lucky to have women mentors who’ve taught me that it’s okay to be the one dissenting voice in the room. With friends and family, this is where things get sticky because I can be blunt which doesn’t always go over well. It’s not the way to please others but I’ve also found that people seek my opinion when they’re looking for honest feedback.